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Top Ten Overweight Actors

A Seriously Random List / Dustin Rowles

Seriously Random Lists | October 9, 2008 | Comments (82)

As I wrote before, it’s a slow news day, and I’m about to board a plane. So, here’s a random top ten list, which I just pulled out of my ass.

Top Ten Overweight Actors Not Including Marlon Brando, Orson Welles or Fred “Rerun” Berry

10. Jack Black

9. Charles Durning

8. Kevin Smith

7. John Belushi

6. Chris Farley

5. Brian Dennehy

4. Jackie Gleason

3. Raymond Burr

2. John Candy

1. John Goodman

I put that list together in less than five minutes, but it’s awfully hard to disagree with.


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Comments

Philip Syemour Hoffman???????

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 9, 2008 11:14 AM

Yeah, John Goodman's better than people give him credit for. But, he needs to make better stuff. Last thing I saw him in was Evan Almighty.

Posted by: Jim at October 9, 2008 11:15 AM

By the looks of things, Russell Crowe should be on that list soon.

Posted by: Janey at October 9, 2008 11:17 AM

What about Rosie O'Donnell?

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 11:17 AM

Seriously, no Brando?

Posted by: Oh Henry at October 9, 2008 11:17 AM

Move Kevin Smith up on the list. I totally agree with John Goodman at #1. I've had a major crush on him for years.

Posted by: jessi1974 at October 9, 2008 11:19 AM

Couldn't Eddie Murphy technically vie for a spot on this list. Not that he'd make it...but by PLAYING fat people in 38 of his last 39 movies...doesn't that kind of, like, make it possible. Like the Vice President of Fat People? Or at least one of their union delgates?

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 11:21 AM

A friend once challenge me to name one very successful not-so-attractive actress. I gave him two: Frances McDormand and Kathy Bates, though I conceded they had to act the hell out of their roles to make it.

So he said, I mean a, ahem, "plus size" actress. I gave him Queen Latifah.

He gave up.

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 9, 2008 11:21 AM

Shouldn't Eddie Murphy be on the list? I mean, the guy's practically been living in a fat suit for the past decade...

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at October 9, 2008 11:22 AM

I noticed there are no women on this list. Not sure if it was meant to exclude actresses. I guess there's just not a fat, funny lady niche in Hollywood.

And what about Seth Rogan? He's not a huge fatty, but he's consistently chub-a-licious.

Posted by: tt_marie at October 9, 2008 11:22 AM

sorry, Rogen.

Posted by: tt_marie at October 9, 2008 11:23 AM

Kathy Bates is plus-sized buc? I've seen her naked all the way down to the vagooter. Couldn't turn away but didn't want to watch. There was flesh everywhere. She looked like a pillowcase full of oatmeal.

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 11:24 AM

Should read "Kathy Bates ISN'T plus-sized buc?"

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 11:25 AM

Skitt...get out of my bubble dude!

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 11:26 AM

Kevin Smith? He can't act, can he?

What about Ned Beatty? He's clearly better than Kevin Smith.

So is that Fat Guy in the Homicide devision in The Wire (the name eludes me). Or Prop Joe from the wire for that matter.

This list has some serious shortcomming.

Posted by: ajax19 at October 9, 2008 11:27 AM

john candy behind john goodman? no PSH? blasphemy, i say

Posted by: eat my shorts at October 9, 2008 11:30 AM

Phillip See-more Hoffman?

Spencer Tracy?

Ray Winstone?

Brian Cox?

You know, just off the top of my head...

Posted by: boo at October 9, 2008 11:35 AM

"She looked like a pillowcase full of oatmeal."


Thanks pissboy, I have a mini-wheat lodged in my sinus now.....

Posted by: Janey at October 9, 2008 11:35 AM

"pillowcase full of oatmeal"

shouldn't that be more like a blow-up doll full of oatmeal? I coulda sworn she has, like, arms and legs....

miss you PissBoy.

Posted by: boo at October 9, 2008 11:38 AM

Kevin Fucking Smith! He's not even a good director much less a good actor. I like Pajiba and I can identify with most of the reviews but I'll never understand the Kevin Smith love around here. His movies are sophomoric, poorly written, have some of the shittiest shot compositions I've ever seen in mainstream movies, and most importantly are not funny.

Posted by: Dave at October 9, 2008 11:44 AM

Miss you too boo. I've been lurking lately because of the shit-storm that has been my workday for the last month and a half. Having the option on Wednesday night not to work on Thursday and Friday and STILL have more than 40 hours on my timesheet has been terrifying and amazing all wrapped into one shit sandwhich.

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 11:45 AM

Frances McDormand is unattractive?


What about Ned Beatty? He's clearly better than Kevin Smith.

So is that Fat Guy in the Homicide devision in The Wire (the name eludes me).

Delaney Williams played Jay Landsman, not to be confused with Jay Landsman who played Lt. Mello. Coincidentally, Ned and Jon Polito were the Fat Guys in Homicide on "Homicide", and Jon's a pretty good actor too!

At least the real Jay is there so my name isn't solely represented by the sergeant, causing me to wince.

Was the vagooter in "About Schmidt"?

Posted by: Jay at October 9, 2008 11:48 AM

Jeffrey Jones! He's been a big boy for a while now.

Posted by: Julie at October 9, 2008 11:48 AM

I can relate. I'm clocking a good 100 overtime hours for this month so far...

Posted by: boo at October 9, 2008 11:49 AM

shouldn't that be more like a blow-up doll full of oatmeal?

One would think, but I just can't put her in the same group as a blow-up doll. Ya see, a blow up doll has open, welcoming orafi(sp?) with the constant sexy-surprised "OMG! It's so big!" look on their faces. I don't think any guy could ever get that reaction with Kathy bates. While she is a fine actress, and I'm sure a stand-up citizen and all-around dynamite lady...I can't imagine any of her orafi being welcoming. I keep having images her bits looking like as if a hand grenade had exploded in a deli.

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 11:49 AM

Charles Laughton?
Sidney Greenstreet?

Posted by: jaf at October 9, 2008 11:51 AM

Frances McDormand is unattractive?

Word Jay. She's not conventionally pretty, but I think she's quite attractive. Probably because I find her so unequivocally badass.

Posted by: Julie at October 9, 2008 11:51 AM

"hand grenade exploded in a deli"

HAAAAA!!! HA HA HA HA! That is so fucking wrong.

I'm hungry.

Posted by: boo at October 9, 2008 11:53 AM

I keep having images her bits looking like as if a hand grenade had exploded in a deli.

Why, PissBoy, WHHHYYYYYYYY????!!!!

Posted by: Julie at October 9, 2008 11:54 AM

Vincent Dinofrio?

Love him, no matter the size.

Posted by: Mrs Smith at October 9, 2008 11:54 AM

BTW...Halloween is fast upon us and October 25th is rapidly approaching.

OPEN INVITATION to all Pajibans who would care to attend the most badass Halloween party, hosted by moi...on the planet.

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 11:54 AM

Oh, good one Mrs. Smith. Much love for Vincent D.

Posted by: boo at October 9, 2008 11:56 AM

O...and if you wanna come...hit me up here...

WOO-HA@att.net

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 12:00 PM

PissBoy, Don't why she didn't make his cut. Guess he wanted somebody Queen size.

Heh. See what I did there? *high-fives self*

Also: "I've seen her naked all the way down to the vagooter."

*shudder* Audience-torture porn?

Posted by: bucdaddy at October 9, 2008 12:01 PM

*ahem* Brian Posehn?

He does act on the insanely overrated (hides) Sarah Silverman program

Posted by: Renee at October 9, 2008 12:09 PM

What about Robbie Coltrane? Ray Winstone? (The non-animated version of course.)

Posted by: ajax19 at October 9, 2008 12:12 PM

I'd like to know how James Gandolfini didn't make it. In fact take out one of those lamos and put in actors from Sopranos. Sopranos fatties for the win.

Posted by: Devo at October 9, 2008 12:14 PM

That scene must be from Nacho Libre, which I have not seen, but whoever is... laying hands on Mr.Black there must be a very small person to make him look that large. I know he's kind of spherical, but he's not a big guy overall.

Um... Anthony Hopkins? The man ain't small.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at October 9, 2008 12:15 PM

That dude on Touched by an Angel, whatshisface...Della Reese.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 9, 2008 12:18 PM

Oliver Platt.
Me. (Not-Famous Division.)
Zero Mostel.
Stubby Kaye.
Michael Badalucco.
Anthony Anderson. (Has he lost weight recently?)
All better actors than Kevin Smith, whom I love dearly, but come on.

Posted by: tommytimp at October 9, 2008 12:20 PM

It's a shame Steve Carell lost all that weight with "Slimmin Down with Steve." He would have been a shoe-in for this list.

Posted by: Kolby at October 9, 2008 12:30 PM

Where is Gerard Depardieu?! Why is a pathetic failure like Chris Farley taking up space on this list when there are actual *actors* who should have been there?

Posted by: Cris at October 9, 2008 12:32 PM

Please remove Raymond Burr and Kevin Smith from that list.

Burr played Perry Mason in everything.
I can't even figure out what formula puts Smith on a list of this sort.

M. Emmet Walsh, please.
Stephen Root, please.

Posted by: RudeMorgue at October 9, 2008 12:36 PM

In no particular order:

Jack Nicholson
Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Marlon Brando
Tom Cruise in "Tropic Thunder"
Jackie Gleason
Forest Whitaker
Gerard Depardieu
Kevin Smith
Orson Welles. People usually overlook his amazing performance in "Citizen Kane."

Posted by: Sofía at October 9, 2008 12:46 PM

So he said, I mean a, ahem, "plus size" actress.

So, what's Kathy Bates, then? A waif?

Posted by: Robert at October 9, 2008 12:48 PM

I guess people including Brando and Welles failed to actually read the title of the list???

Top Ten Overweight Actors Not Including Marlon Brando, Orson Welles...

They are givens. Like when radio stations do "Top Rock Bands Ever" but automatically remove all Led Zepplin, Metallica, Sabbath, etc. songs because there are just some people/bands that will ALWAYS win...and sometimes you just need to get some fresh names in the mix.

...like Mary Kate Olsen. Fat-assed shitheel for certain, but a great actress. I totally loved her Michelle Tanner better than her sister's version. I just want to know how America was fooled for so long, what with Mary Kate being a fucking blimp and Ashley looking like she could hoola-hoop a cheerio.

Posted by: PissBoy at October 9, 2008 1:02 PM

PissBoy - blame the anorexia rehab. Sometimes that shit actually works.

Posted by: Kolby at October 9, 2008 1:06 PM

Pruitt Taylor Vince? Slightly wall-eyed 'gentleman of full habit' & character actor.

He's been in so many things. Deadwood, X-Files, House, Constantine, Murder One, CSI..... lots of stuff.

Posted by: Tarn at October 9, 2008 1:09 PM

I think you're missing the line where he admitted it took 5 minutes. We can't expect a perfect list. What I'm really trying to say is FUCK ALL YOU KEVIN SMITH HATERS.
And, Sofia I love the fact that you took the time to tenderly type out Kevin Smith's name in your list. I know that the modern keyboard is not made for our people. We're forced to delicately pick our way through words, one letter at a time so as not to mash the keyboard with our gargantuan digits.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at October 9, 2008 1:17 PM

Two words, bitches. Paul. Giamatti.

You are all retarded for not mentioning him.

Posted by: boogs at October 9, 2008 1:32 PM

Damn, Pissboy, a pajiba halloween party sounds awesome. Too bad I am on the other side of the country, although if there are any other pajiban's in the O.C. area (shudder...can't believe I live here now...shudder) I am probably gonna have a Halloween party too, although I am not nearly on top of things enough to have actually planned it yet.

Posted by: s. pisaster at October 9, 2008 1:39 PM

BRIAN BLESSED!

It's a bit of a struggle to come up with 10 overweight actresses, period, let alone the ten best.

Posted by: Roni at October 9, 2008 1:49 PM

Oliver Platt rules this list!

Posted by: Ginger at October 9, 2008 1:50 PM

Agree with Platt-ers in the comments.

For old-schoolers, how about Zero Mostel?

And of course he may be crap now, but back in his Mel Brooks days, Dom De Luise was classic.

Posted by: Eep at October 9, 2008 2:01 PM

Oh, and what about Favreau? He's been pretty good in some stuff. And is an actual actor, unlike Kevin Smith.


Also I can't believe that a bunch of liberals wouldn't think to include James Earl Jones.

Posted by: Eep at October 9, 2008 2:05 PM

TONY SOPRANO???!!!!!!! HELLLOLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO

Posted by: Be Adequite! at October 9, 2008 2:18 PM

What about snuffaluffagus?

Posted by: psychoticmonkey at October 9, 2008 2:18 PM

Jeff Cohen

Posted by: Eep at October 9, 2008 3:02 PM

Gandolfini whistles and gurgles too much for me to form an opinion of his acting ability.

Posted by: firedmyass at October 9, 2008 3:05 PM

Pissboy I SO wish I could attend your shindig. It'd be like a warhol factory / pajiba style liver massacre, I'm sure...but it'll take 20 weeks for a passport renewal and I don't fancy the cavity search so close to Christmas. Makes me feel like a turkey, ya know? My partner is all ethnicky looking too, so he's in auto-bail on the USA visit thing...too much bc bud in the pores.

Posted by: replica at October 9, 2008 3:08 PM

Jeffrey Jones! He's been a big boy for a while now.

Unfortunately, his sexual partners can't say the same.

Posted by: MG at October 9, 2008 3:45 PM

Kevin Smith isn't really an actor, he just does cameos and plays untalkative parts in his own movies.

Seriously, don't insult him like that.

Posted by: Lucas at October 9, 2008 4:09 PM

John Rhys-Davies? Where's he?

+1 for Brian Blessed, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Forest Whitaker

+2 at least for Robbie Coltraine. Have you seen Cracker?

Goodman / Dennehy '08

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at October 9, 2008 4:39 PM

Philip Seymour Hofmann should certianly be on the list, as should Forest Whitaker. What about Stephen Root? A great, great character actor, leages better than Kevin Smith. Props for including Charles Durning. Other nominees: George Kennedy, Curly Howard.

Posted by: Raleigh at October 9, 2008 5:11 PM

Where's Ned Beatty. He had a purty mouth.

Posted by: Will at October 9, 2008 6:17 PM

Vince D'Onofrio?

Posted by: Whaddabout? at October 9, 2008 6:23 PM

Agree with the first commenter: WHERE THE HELL IS PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN?!?!

And why is Jack Black down at 10? Oh wait, I forgot, people here aren't big Tenacious D fans.

Posted by: Audiosuede at October 9, 2008 7:52 PM

Does anybody else find that Chris Farley look-alike guy from the Hertz commercials REALLY DISTURBING? I mean, he does the shtick and everything. Too soon. Way too soon.

And is he the same guy in that Michael Moore spoof?

Posted by: AM at October 9, 2008 8:35 PM

John Goodman totally deserved that, he has the greatest male voice in the history of the world!

Posted by: Chugga at October 9, 2008 8:45 PM

I really miss John Candy. It's true.

Posted by: llp at October 9, 2008 10:59 PM

How come no one has mentioned Jon Favreau??

Love him.

Posted by: Territory at October 10, 2008 8:57 AM

Favs got some love from me at 2:05.

Posted by: Eep at October 10, 2008 10:21 AM

The great PAUL SORVINO.

Also, anyone who saw DeNiro on The Daily Show last night might wanna say... DeNiro.

I'm not sure Paul Giamatti is actually fat... He's got that sort of look that makes you think he's fat, but he's fairly slim in the movies I've seen... Short and bald do not ALWAYS mean fat, too.

And unless I've missed it... WHERE IS SHATNER?

Posted by: Ned at October 10, 2008 10:56 AM

Big ups to Abraham Benrubi

Posted by: Weck at October 10, 2008 1:49 PM

No Ron Jeremy? Yeah, most of his movies are porn but he's still a legend!

Posted by: pants at October 11, 2008 7:00 AM

Vincent D'Onofrio!!!

Posted by: dutchmodernist at October 11, 2008 12:22 PM

What about my fat soul brothas?

Charles S. Dutton
Forest Whitaker
Tyler Perry
Fat Albert
Ice Cube
Martin Lawrence
Sinbad
fat kid in "Hook"
large frat brother in "Old School"

Posted by: Jesse Jackson at October 11, 2008 8:43 PM

OMG, you people have never seen Cracker? Robbie Coltrane should be at No. 1 !! (John Goodman's OK for No. 2.)

Richard Griffiths! Pie In The Sky!

*sigh* I'm so late.

Posted by: hell.kelpie at October 13, 2008 9:54 PM

Isn't Danny DeVito a bit overweight? And what about James Gandolfini?! He bring the gangster chunk but in a good way!

Posted by: ph at October 13, 2008 11:15 PM

How about Chunk and the Truffle Shuffle!?

Posted by: ph at October 13, 2008 11:17 PM

Replace Kevin Smith with Paton Oswalt and you got yerself a list.

Posted by: Ryanwiz at October 14, 2008 12:09 PM

What about Seth Rogen? I mean he's on the plump side for certain.

Posted by: AG at October 17, 2008 5:00 PM