Pajiba

I must confess - I enlisted these women and the my skills of erotic imagery when I was younger and perfecting the artistry of loving myself...

Ten bucks says I can still get the job done... Just gimme a minute to wrap up a few projects, 'kay?

Hey Bucko: I just went to my 30th high school reunion, and they took digital photos and e-mailed them to us. I shared them with my sister who is a couple years younger because she remembers these people, too.

ME: Look at so-and-so. She looks like she's 50!
SIS: You are 50, you idiot.
ME: Me, no, but, um, yeah, but um.

You're probably also the first person ever to call her face round. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that. She was a French model, after all.

Kellie Martin! I love you! I loved you on E.R.. I loved you in your guest spots on Seaquest D.S.V.. I just...I want to be with you, Kellie.

LifeTime movies are about one thing only:
MEN ARE EVIL.

Can we do the men of LifeTime movies next because clearly the LifeTime people have Tim Matheson on speed dial.

Also highly recommended: currently "in" actors most likely to end up as LifeTime staples once their only hit fades from memory: My number one pick is Hayden Pannetiere (sp?).

Holy crap, Carol from Growing Pains looks 50.

Don't do anorexia, kids.

Don't Markie Post and Meredith Baxter-Birney have a few under their belts?

Goddamn Tim Matheson...where'd all that promise go? You're totally in the bottom half of post-"1941" careers, man!

And has Chris Makepeace done any? He could be the safe guy or the unusually wimpy looking villain!

"...NEY, she IS Lifetime..."

Wasn't Baxter-Birney doing these types of flick prior to Lifetime? I guess what I'm asking is, was Lifetime created for the sole purpose of giving BB a playground to get sexually/mentally/physically/psychologically abused? Does she sit in a giant chamber atop a velvet throne? Does Queen Baxterbirney don a crown of thorns which causes her to bleed re-recycled stories of woe, whether it be losing a baby, living with dark secrets, or drunkenly getting it on with the local high-school football quarterback, despite the fact you're twenty years older than him, but there's something there - something in his eyes that burns and makes you feel alive - ALIVE - and even though you know it's wrong and could cost you everything you've worked toward since getting out of that podunk town when you were eighteen, you can't resist tearing off his letter jacket and ravaging him behind the bleachers, rolling around like two crazed animals among the cigarette butts, empty pop cans and shattered dreams?

Y'all forgot Melissa Gilbert.

Posted by: Skitz at October 22, 2008 6:42 PM

Aaah, are you gonna be okay?

What about Alexandra Paul? Anyone? Have you never seen Gospel of Deceit? I can't come here anymore.

Wasn't Sherilynn Fenn in a lifetime movie? She's foxy!

At a sorority the other day, I saw a sign advertising some sort of Lifetime sponsored fundraiser to end spousal abuse. I turn to the girl next to me and say, "If Lifetime ends spousal abuse, they'll have no programming." Her face told me she didn't share my dark sense of humor. I quickly retreated.

More like no sense of humor at all.

Is that a Larry from the Stooges style "Whoop Whoop Whoop Nyah Nyah Nyah Whoop!"

Starring in a Lifetime movie. At least with the medicated eyedrops you get some free swag. With the Lifetime movie, all you get is shame.

Rowles? Are you trying to piss me off? Does Melissa Gilbert mean nothing to you?

What's up with all headshots except for the super-extra-helping-of-bosom Tori Spelling photo?

Have you ever seen titty in a Lifetime movie Darth?

I've finally realized why that photo of Bertinelli bothers me so much - it looks like someone came running by and threw a handfull of O'Donnell on her face... seriously... Someone get to the MurderTank crime lab toot-sweet and validate my uncomfortableness! You, Corleone sitting there with a drink in your hand... Get to the lab! No... no, there's not a payroll but it's... JUST FUCKING DO IT! Jesus people! If there's a face terrorist among the general populace hellbent on O'Donnelling people that used to be in my masturbatory files, God only knows where it'll end up next! Allingsworth you want your Big Mac and a sixer? Find out who ruined Barbara's face and it's yours... What?! No, Mackenzie Phillips has ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE THAT! Fucking A, people - who's next? It's not always gonna be the rich and formerly famous - could be you Cindy, could be you too, JenK who knows? Oh, I see you laughing over there, socalled - you think the O'Donnellrax only targets women? HAHAHAHAHA! Think again, brother - IT AIN'T GENDER SPECIFIC! We've got a crisis on our hands, here! Gimme a sec to take off my trousers here... BECAUSE IT HELPS ME THINK, THAT'S WHY!!

[...pours four fingers off Scotch and stares into space. Minimus twirls a quarter between his turkey fingers...]

Oh what the fuck Skitz, you think you'll stay pretty all your life? You'd best roll yourself a doob while you're at it.

Seriously? If I don't get some sort of Pajiboscar for that previous post, I'm having my mouth custom-stretched for Harry Knowles' floppy schlong... I'm serious,,, One foot's out the door, Rowles... I'm a hot commodity among the feeble minded, brother... Roll the dice...

Put the man out of his misery!

Where's Gail O'Grady? She did one about girls becoming sexualized too early? Or was it internet predators? Either way, her teenage daughter was doing the nasty and Gail was a hypocritical single mom because she got knocked up after a fling with a co-worker but still had the nerve to tell her daughter not to be a ho.

And I would put Kellie Martin much higher on that list. When was the last time Valerie B. did a lifetime movie? She's too busy hawking Jenny Craig frozen dinners.

Skitt, I feel you. I also crave that #1 Spot validation. I don't care about the t-shirt, I get off on the fact that I'm respected in one little corner of the internet. That sweet sweet self-esteem. Better than any prescription drugs I may have taken tonight. Whoa! I swear I just saw a brownish flash like a chipmunk just ran by my window. And I am on the 4th floor. And it's one in the morning.

1. Optimus, whatever the banner or sign was outside the house, that would've been an amazing sight gag in itself. You were just pointing it out, and with economy, and causing me to nearly "hork", as Nosek says, my coffee. I always tell people to embrace life as a black comedy anyway. Because it is. Deal with it and proceed snickering at yourself.

2. Wasn't "Babycakes" on Lifetime? No Lifetime lifers in there, but Ricki Lake and Craig Sheffer made a helluva team! Plus I'll go to my grave believing Stephin Merritt sang the theme song (all due credit to college girlfriend and her roommate who let me in on their fandom of this ugly duckling classic).

Skitz, you can have the DildOscar for now.

Wow...Valerie Bertinelli WASN'T number one? You best watch yourself Dustin, some housewives might see this as blasphemy.

I mean, 90% of what they watch might just be Lifetime Movies, and they'll bet dollars to bon bons that you're just like one of those "evil" men in Lifetime movies. They'll cry that you don't understand them, that you're holding them back, even that you're sleeping with your secretary (or the pool boy, if they're trying to think "outside their box".)

You know what's gonna happen next, my friend? They're gonna kill you. And you know what...Lifetime, with their evil grip on most of the women of America, will make a movie about how they "found the strength in their soul to say 'enough is enough. I am woman, hear me roar.'" And Valerie Bertinelli, with her "sorta cute after the office christmas party" pudge and her dead, lifeless eyes...she's gonna play the woman who skull fucked you to death with a chainsaw in the movie.

Watch your back man, we can't afford to lose you. Seriously, if you were ever gone from here, shit would erupt into a riot in no time flat. (I see you sharpening your blade, Conrad!)

Elsie:

Re: Janine Turner, you know what's sadder than LifeTime or medicated eye drops? becoming a born-again evangelical and shilling your own line of "Yoga for Christians" DVDs in which all the "pagan" Sanskrit terms are replaced by Chritian terms. No more "namaste" (which actually means "the light in me salutes the light in you"), it's been replaced by "the Lord Jesus Christ loves you".

PaddyDog:

Is all that about Janine Turner really true?

Man... Jesus gets all the chicks.

Good call Skitz! That is indeed an image from No One Would Tell. Shows you how attentive I am.

Yeah... I apparently can't work tags today. Sorry.

meredith baxter is in everything lifetime

What, no former members of the original Charlie's Angels? Oh, the humanity!

You got the order all wrong. Kellie Martin should definitely be #1. The combination of such a wholesome, sweet face on top of such a voluptuous body is unbeatable.