By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (64)
Bonus: New TV Poster
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Posted by: the other courtney at January 17, 2012 3:37 PM
I'm just going to assume The Paperboy is a sequel to Better Off Dead. Where John Cusack finally snaps and tries to murder the now grown up paperboy who haunted him for years. "TWO DOLLARS"
Or something, I dunno
Posted by: Helder at January 17, 2012 3:42 PM
The poster for John Dies at the End is disturbatastic.
Though despite all the things going against it (namely Zac Efron and Nicole Kidman), I have to admit, I'm really intrigued by the Paperboy poster.
Posted by: ChristianH at January 17, 2012 3:42 PM
It's gonna have to be The Words, largely because everything else looks awful.
Episode I - Shit in 3D is still shit.
Girl in Progress - Eva Mendes.
John Dies At The End - Not interesting.
The Paperboy - Maaaaaybe. I liked Precious well enough.
Underworld - Avoid like the plague.
The Woman In Black - No interest.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter - That director doesn't get me excited.
Friends With Kids> - Posters like that are bad news.
Battleship - Not really getting me interested.
Posted by: sars at January 17, 2012 3:45 PM
Ditto on Friends With Kids. Those happy familiar faces were the only thing exciting about any of these.
That Woman in Black poster looks like it was designed by a teenager to accompany a fanfic.
Posted by: clevaahgirl at January 17, 2012 3:45 PM
john dies at the end and The Words.
I would see Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter by title alone, the poster…Meh
Posted by: karen at January 17, 2012 3:46 PM
There's not much of a chance that Eve Mendes is going to be naked in that one, based on the poster, right? I'll pass.
Kate Beckendale looking fluffy, but not very vengeance-y.
And Daniel Radcliffe is not good poster material.
Posted by: Meander at January 17, 2012 3:54 PM
The Paperboy and Friends With Kids.
I want to see Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter but not based on that poster. That is terrible. It reminds me of the ending scene of the awful Marky Mark remake of Planet of the Apes. I had to look closely to see if that wasn't, in fact, an ape sitting there.
Posted by: lillie at January 17, 2012 3:55 PM
Friends with Kids is more terrible than you can possibly imagine. I love the actors as well but ugh...remember this is from the person who made "Kissing Jessica Stein"
Posted by: Mike at January 17, 2012 4:00 PM
John Dies at the End and Words.
The poster for Friends With Kids (not to mention the title) makes me NOT want to see the movie, I don't care how many great people are in it. It makes me think of one of those holiday movies.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 17, 2012 4:00 PM
Underworld Awakening.
Why? Because 'vengeance returns', and I wanna know - where the FUCK has vengeance been?!
Where the fuck was vengeance when I was raising two disadvantaged pups all by myself - for SIX AND A HALF YEARS?!
Where the fuck was vengeance when I got pulled over while driving under the influence of swank (ten times more addictive than marijuana!) and had my pups taken into the custody of the state?!
Where the fuck was vengeance when Nicole Kidman was plunging her death-claw into Zac Efron's no-crotch in the Paperboy poster?!
So, yes, I will be seeing Underworld Awakening, because when vengeance returns, I'm gonna be standing by the door, clad in a nightgown that hides a terrible secret, and I'm gonna give vengeance everything that's been coming its way for a long, long time.
Posted by: zeke the pig at January 17, 2012 4:00 PM
No - Lucas is dead to me.
No
No
No
No
No (So is Beckinsale trying to keep pace with Milla Jovovich and Resident Evil?)
Probably
No
No
No
Yes
Posted by: John W at January 17, 2012 4:00 PM
Definitely the Woman in Black.
Not because of the poster, although it looks like they are going for an old school movie poster look, it looks more like a B movie poster from the 60's, or possibly an Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys book cover.
I still want to see the movie.
Posted by: MRod at January 17, 2012 4:01 PM
ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD YESSSSSSS!
...is a close second after Girl in Progress.
Posted by: superasente can't wait to see a movie that finally speaks to the angst he felt as a teenage girl. at January 17, 2012 4:02 PM
The Radcliffe movie, hands down. Beautiful retro poster.
Posted by: Pants at January 17, 2012 4:03 PM
Compelled? None... In fact most make me want to run from the movie theatre.
Movies like these are exactly why people don't go to the theatre.
Posted by: reaperslogic at January 17, 2012 4:03 PM
That first poster doesn't exist. And represents something which doesn't exist.
Posted by: lubeg at January 17, 2012 4:07 PM
LOVE Kissing Jessica Stein so Jennifer's presence gave me pause, but only for a second; Posters like that are a sign of heinous wretchedness. = NO
Anything with Jeremy Irons is a YES but the presence of Bradley Cooper steals the hot. It's a sad fact. No one is so hot that the presence of a Hot Thief cannot yank that hot away (except Viggo) so = NO
Eva Mendes is delish, but kids are bad news (I would know), so = NO
Nothing biblical with blood. Just stop this nonsense. = No.
Battleship. = B!tch, please. (no)
Radcliff with scary stuff = NO
Star Wars = Get Real (no)
Beckinsale, Paperboy, Blah Blah = As Fucking If.
Abraham Lincoln = YES PLease. I love Lincoln stuff. I love vampires. I love these silly book parodies.
Posted by: klingonfree at January 17, 2012 4:07 PM
The Paper Boy looks like it might be a sick little film. I'll go with that first. Then Friends with Kids but mostly cause of the actors. And then The Woman in Black. The rest? Nai.
Posted by: MissRos at January 17, 2012 4:13 PM
I feel bad for anyone who hasn't read John Dies at the End. It's fantastic.
Posted by: twig at January 17, 2012 4:16 PM
What in the name of all things holy did they do to the Friends with Kids poster? Did THAT cast deserve THAT layout, that cheap two minute 'He's Not That Into You' picture dump? It's nearly uncompelled me to see it. And the New York skyline? Really? Are you shitting me?
It's got to be The Paperboy for me. That wishy-washy 1950s 'To Die For' vibe, with Efron offering tickets to the gun show. Opening day, you guys.
Posted by: Laurie at January 17, 2012 4:23 PM
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, because they filmed in the park near my house and there is no way it won't be an entertaining disaster.
Posted by: yy at January 17, 2012 4:41 PM
"Girl in progress" poster is embarrassing
"The paperbot" looks like and old boring movie with no appeal...with "The words" they both seem advertising for some kind of events/music release, not really movies.
"Underworld" looks like the games cover, not the movie poster
"The woman in black" again with the movie poster that do not look like one, I'd more likely mistake it for a bad book cover and look for it in a bookshop, rather at the cinema...
"Abraham Lincoln" is to trolling to be true
Posted by: sarah at January 17, 2012 4:41 PM
"From Hasbro, the company that brought you TRANSFORMERS"
That doesn't even say "From the producers of TRANSFORMERS" or "The director of TRANFORMERS".
It SAYS: "From the TOY company that brought you another senseless franchise with barely any story or coherence."
It SAYS: "You people are sofa king retarded that you will buy this. And both Universal Pictures and Hasbro will laugh all the way to the bank who foreclosed on your house last year. Because, yes, you are that sofa king stupid."
_____________________________________________
What is the "Bonus: New TV Poster" all about? I have concluded it isn't for Man on a Ledge based on the date. Is it a Vertigo rerelease (not rebootorquel)? If so, I'm all over it. But has it been cleared with Kim Novak? I don't want her suing me when I exit the theater.
Posted by: lubeg at January 17, 2012 5:09 PM
if I were coming in cold, with no background knowledge, I'd want to see the star wars movie. that image is just badass.
And any pic of beckinsale makes me want to see more.
Posted by: matty blue at January 17, 2012 5:16 PM
the movie poster that do not look like one
It's a British quad movie poster and the movie is actually produced by Hammer, thus the homage to mid-century horror.
I believe that phone booth poster is "Mad Men".
Posted by: Jay at January 17, 2012 5:23 PM
Wait...so that's NOT Selena Gomez then? Huh.
Gonna go with Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter on this one though. Although John Dies at the End looks all kinds of effed up and is running a close second. Both look like they have the potential to be cheesetacular.
Posted by: NateS1973 at January 17, 2012 5:54 PM
The Star Wars poster reminds me of a nightmare I once had where my favorite childhood memories were irrevocably destroyed, leaving me with a violently pessimistic view of humanity. So no on that one too.
I'm starring in Friends With Kids right now, why would I want to spend two hours in a dark theater mumbling to myself, "Fucking Dave never wants to hang out any more ever since he knocked up that gold-digger..." That and fuck Ed Burns.
I'm not not interested in seeing any gritty reboot of Girl Interrupted. Note to Eva - Angie already nailed that role.
Emu, no.
I don't need to see Harry Potter take the rubber mask off of the villain at the end of the Woman in Black.
Haven't seen an Underworld yet, don't plan on starting now. I'm sure I'm missing out.
The Paperboy poster takes me back to when I was a well-muscled paperboy and the nymphomaniac next door made me drive slowly past her cuckolded husband. I kept thinking to myself, I hope she lets me stop soon so I can take a shit - I really had to go. That day didn't end up so well, so the poster doesn't really inspire me to see that movie, but maybe they Hollywood-ized the story, so... maybe.
Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter? Fuck and no.
Battleship, no comment necessary.
John Dies at the End wins, I guess.
When does Prometheus come out?
Posted by: Greedy at January 17, 2012 6:28 PM
you guys are on drugs that woman in white poster is straight up badass midcentury painted movie poster awesome.
and the madmen poster made me smile on a shitty day.
Posted by: mexcillent at January 17, 2012 6:42 PM
Paperboy, hands down. Efron (gag) evokes James Dean, there's some kind of Bonnie and Clyde vibe going on with him and Kidman, and John Cusack adds an enticing Clockwork Orange touch. Intriguing!
Posted by: Anthony Billington at January 17, 2012 6:48 PM
"I'm just going to assume The Paperboy is a sequel to Better Off Dead. Where John Cusack finally snaps and tries to murder the now grown up paperboy who haunted him for years. "TWO DOLLARS""
I should very much like to buy Helder ten minutes of uninterrupted fellatio and/or whatever it is you call the thing that the fellas are supposed to do with the ladies but weasel their way out of because they're lousy bastards with no sense of give & take.
Because that comment was funnier than shit, that's why.
Posted by: Skitz at January 17, 2012 6:57 PM
I liked the words in the Words poster, until I saw Bradley Cooper's name. I'll go with Girl In Progress, because I love her boots.
Posted by: glyrics at January 17, 2012 7:07 PM
The Words because it's a beautiful design, perfectly executed.
Posted by: brite at January 17, 2012 7:23 PM
John Dies at the End if only because of these 3 words:
"from Don Coscarelli". The man who created Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep is OK by me.
Posted by: Groundloop at January 17, 2012 7:37 PM
I feel like whatserface in History of the World, Part 1:
"No. No, no, no, no no no. No, no, YES, no, no, YES."
Star Wars - Great poster. Thanks for featuring the completely awesome and badass villain you underuse and then kill. You're an idiot, Lucas. No.
Girl In Progress. Is that the opening for Frasier going on in the back there? Is the Rock in this? No.
John Dies at the End. Uh, yeah. Sorry, but you can't really write that barrista lilt at the end of "yeah". Hell the yeah.
The Paperboy. Cool poster. Still Effron no.
The Words. Very nice. ahnoo.
Underwear Awakening! Gorgeous shot. No Sheen. no.
The Woman in Black meets the Reader's Digest Drama In Real Life artist. Oddly, I might have wanted to see this movie until I saw this poster. WTHell no.
Abe Vampire Hunter. Same here. The teaser poster was much better. This looks way more Burton. Fuck no, you hack.
Friends with Cliches. Looks exactly like the poster. Boring. no.
Battleship. No poster could make me want to see this film. nyet.
TV poster. Yes.
Posted by: Protoguy at January 17, 2012 7:42 PM
Fucking love John Dies at the End. I hope the movie is just as swell.
Posted by: Alwyn at January 17, 2012 7:53 PM
I don't like The Words poster because I keep seeing a horse in Bradley Cooper's hair and it confuses me when I scroll down.
Posted by: Monica at January 17, 2012 8:42 PM
The Paperboy intrigues me.
Love the old Hammer Films look on Woman In Black, so they know what they're going for.
Abraham Lincoln
Least? Friends With Kids, this week's News Year Eve "people mashed together" winner.
Posted by: Joseph Finn at January 17, 2012 8:58 PM
Death is not an option?
Posted by: greer at January 17, 2012 9:26 PM
John Dies at the End.
That is a fucking awesome poster. I have no idea what it is about, but I want to see it.
Posted by: Arrogant Ambassador at January 17, 2012 9:36 PM
THE ONE WITH JEREMY IRONS!!!!
Posted by: chanohack at January 17, 2012 10:58 PM
The Words, followed very closely by AL, Vampire Hunter (that's only second b/c he doesn't really look like AL). And I am ashamed to admit it (but I know I'm among friends) that Battleship poster looks pretty cool. I know, I know!
Posted by: Alarmjaguar at January 17, 2012 11:24 PM
ok if I had no idea what Epp 1 was like, I would see that movie cause the poster is fucking awesome.
Posted by: Ben at January 17, 2012 11:30 PM
men mad
Posted by: Allison at January 18, 2012 12:38 AM
Friends with Kids
The cast looks bangin'.
Posted by: grace b at January 18, 2012 12:45 AM
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Join free!!!
Posted by: wealthyconnect.com at January 18, 2012 1:09 AM
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter has the best poster; the John Dies at the End one is intriguing also.
Posted by: csb at January 18, 2012 3:28 AM
I like the Paperboy poster, possibly due to it exuding a very Drive-like vibe. And I LOVE Drive.
Posted by: Qualtinger at January 18, 2012 4:49 AM
No.
I second the comment re: when does Prometheus come out?
Posted by: Samantha at January 18, 2012 8:30 AM
The Words's poster looks fucking amazing. I thought it was a wolf at first--maybe it's supposed to call that to mind. It's awesome. The others are laughably bad, but I like how The Woman in Black looks like the cover of a cheapo Pulp magazine.
But Friends With Kids has HAAAAAAAAAAAMM in it, so it wins everything in the world forever. But it's kind of sad how small Adam Scott looks on it...isn't he supposed to be the main character? Still, though. HAMM!
Posted by: figgy at January 18, 2012 10:17 AM
I've never read "John Dies At The End" but I know it was written by one of cracked.com's writers. I may have to see the movie because of that alone.
Posted by: TPK at January 18, 2012 10:23 AM
Zero.
...
...
...
...
OK, maybe Abe Lincoln.
Posted by: , at January 18, 2012 10:56 AM
John Dies at the End...but less for the poster and more for the fact that I really liked the book. Totally not my "typical" read.
Posted by: Melina at January 18, 2012 11:12 AM
Lubeg: I love "sofa king retarded". It's probably been around for ages, and I don't know how I've missed it, but it made me laugh, I am going to steal it.
I thought at first it was a reference to some "Bob's Mattress World" type basic cable commercial.
Posted by: Sara Tonin at January 18, 2012 12:30 PM
John Dies At The End and, believe it or not, The Paperboy. I'm curious to see if l'Efron can pull off what appears to be a 50s period piece with what appears to be Crazy Cusack.
And I'm actually pretty psyched for The Woman In Black, but not based on that poster. That poster is bleh. I see they were trying to go for classic ghost-story 50s movie poster, but they did it wrong.
Posted by: Anna von Beav at January 18, 2012 1:57 PM
The Woman in Black poster is straight-up amazing - you assholes just can't appreciate bad art. Although any movie poster that hasn't photoshopped itself to plasticine living hell is automatically ahead of the pack.
Posted by: eeeeeeee at January 18, 2012 3:22 PM
Ok... Based on the movie poster alone, I'd see Phantom Menace. It's not the best poster up there, but it's cooler than hell. Then John Dies at the End.
No. The best poster is still Phantom Menace. The other well-designed posters, like The Words (old concept, great execution) and Paperboy do a great job of mimicking a style and are really great designs, but not great posters, not for drawing a movie crowd. Now, if we're talking art crowd, niche market, indy market or Pajibans and such, then yeah, Paperboy for sure.
Posted by: Protoguy at January 18, 2012 4:30 PM
eeeeeee, it might be clever, but if the audience doesn't "get it", then it's a failure. Case in point rather loudly. Movie posters aren't art contests, they're advertising. Who are they advertising to, Barnabas Collins fans?
Posted by: Protoguy at January 18, 2012 4:33 PM
Kind of spoiled them all by leaving the titles and actors on the posters.
Posted by: Jaxx at January 19, 2012 2:23 PM
"Friends with kids" reminds me of "Friends with money"...hipster-like crap and on top of that it has Ed Burns....not for me. I really would like "THe paper boy" to be as nice as the poster looks.
Posted by: James at January 19, 2012 10:45 PM
None of them, but I will watch Mad Men Season 5. Thanks for the reminder that I don't have to wait until summer.
Posted by: KateNonymous at January 23, 2012 7:26 PM
The Words because it reminds me of the conversation and three days of the condor for some reason.
The Paperboy because that is a great poster.
Then John dies at the end. Great poster.
Honorable mention: Underworld. Wow, only because I would like to slow fuck Beckinsale's mouth.
Posted by: Chromeburn at January 24, 2012 3:45 AM
Based on the posters alone, I would say none of them. I already know I want to see the The Woman in Black, but that poster looks absolutely horrid.
I am a bit intrigued by John Dies at the End, but probably would need to know more about it than just see the posted before I'd really want to see it.
Posted by: Laura at January 24, 2012 11:46 AM
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Posted by: get laid nyc at February 12, 2012 10:22 AM
Friends with Kids.
Not so much the move poster but the actors.
Besides I once swallowed a little plastic ship from my brother's Battleship game and I don't think it ever came "out". That poster is doing nothing for my peace of mind.