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Answers to 13 Very Important Pop-Culture Questions Posed By the Internet Today

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | March 20, 2014 | Comments ()


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Sometimes, during a slow news day, I will look to our keyword search referrals for inspiration, and to see what folks on the Internet are looking for on that particular day. If you’ve really wanted to know how depraved and degenerate humanity is, spend a few minutes checking search logs on any website, really. People look up the most disgusting things, and for whatever reason, Google occasionally sends them here.

I, however, filtered through some of the more perverse search queries and found 13 questions specific to pop-culture (mostly) that we could answer today, all based on queries raised between 8:21 a.m. and 9:32 a.m. this morning.

I hope you find this helpful, Internet.

1. “is danny masterson biracial”?

That’s a weird question. Is there something about Danny Masterson that suggests he’s biracial? He’s not. But he is cousins with Angus T. Jones, the insane evangelical from Two and a Half Men. Additionally, the Mastersons, the Baldwins, and the Phillips are like the Kevin Bacon of Hollywood families. You can connect them by marriage to pretty much any other Hollywood family.

2. “is samira wiley gay”?

I don’t know, and it’s not really my business. I do know she is brilliant as Poussey in Orange is the New Black, and she looks bone-throttling hot on the cover of Bello Magazine.

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3. “how did brendan fraser get his hair back”?

He asked nicely?

Actually, the consensus online is that he had Hair Restoration Surgery, and that the hair pieces he had used in the past had actually damaged his hair even more. The surgery, so goes the speculation, ran him upwards of $20K, and he probably has to have it redone periodically. But if you’re curious if Propecia works, it does in most men, although you really need to start early. It’s better at keeping hair than it is at regrowing it.

4. “dustin rowles sick kids”?

Funny you should ask. We’ve had a pretty great run lately, but one of my twin daughters has this really croup-y sounding cough that’s been keeping her awake, but it only seems to affect her at night. Right now, my wife and I are negotiating which of us will need to take time off work to get her in to see a doctor. Still, I think this piece is what you’re looking for, and good luck: 16 Things Working Parents Should Know About the Horrors of Caring for Sick Children

5. “if you like veronica mars you’ll also like”?

I think the best answer here is Buffy the Vampire Slayer, although a show like Dead Like Me has a similar sense of humor, Chuck has a similar narrative structure (though it’s obviously not as good), and if you like Veronica Mars, you’ll probably also like Friday Night Lights or Gilmore Girls. But the truth is, Veronica Mars is a fairly unique show, and there’s nothing out there exactly like it.

6. “old pictures of anthony hopkins”?

How old are you looking? Hopkins as a kid, or Hopkins during his smoldering years?

article-1252033-08578C92000005DC-59_306x423.jpg452-anthony_hopkins.jpg

7, “why buffy is the best show ever”

There are so many reasons. In fact, here’s 115 of them.

8 “tv shows like monarch of the glen”?

My wife loves that show, and several more of those stuffy British shows that do absolutely nothing for me. In fact, last year, she wrote this post: 5 British Shows That Will Please the “Downton Abbey”-Loving Old Lady Within You. Since then, I can also say that she got heavily into Foyle’s War. In fact, after she discovered that show, I didn’t see her for about a week.

9. “relation between women heiit and vigina”?

It took me a moment to decipher that question, and honestly, I think that before you start investigating the relationship between a woman’s vagina and her height, you should probably take some spelling lessons. I’m not a woman, but if I were, my first barrier of entry, so to speak, would be the ability to spell the part of the anatomy you’re attempting to explore.

10. “queen elizabeth racist”?

Back during WWII, some allegations surfaced that she had used racial slurs, but those allegations were strongly denied by the husband of Elizabeth’s mixed-race secretary, and Wikipedia notes that she “abhorred racial discrimination” and decried apartheid as “dreadful.”

11. “why does val kilmer do bad movies”?

Look, it’s not like casting directors have been beating down this guy’s door. He’s a weird egg, he’s notoriously difficult to work with, and he’s not exactly the picture of health these days. so he probably takes what he can get, you know? That said, he is a terrific actor. In fact, we put together this list of 5 Movie Roles For Which Fat Kilmer Would Be Perfect.

12. “do boys like the movie frozen”?

Yes! Emphatically. At least mine did.

13. “has cobie smulders ever posed topless”?

No. Pantsless? Yes. Awkward early career sex scene? Sure. Topless? No. She’s Canadian. THEY HAVE STANDARDS.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • kinoumenthe

    5. “if you like veronica mars you’ll also like”?

    I'd posit that you'd also like The Good Wife.
    It may seem kind of a stretch at first glance, but not if you look a bit more closely.

  • SelenaMac

    You get good search terms! We've been sucked into a Google pornado, they only send us people looking for tips on squirting, cock rings, and prostate stimulation. Persephone Magazine: We Know Buttholes.
    Disqus is totally going to put this in moderation.

  • Sara Habein

    YES to Foyle's War!

  • bcarter3

    "Foyle’s War" doesn't belong on an amended '5 British Shows That Will Please the “Downton Abbey”-Loving Old Lady Within You'. It appeals to a v different demographic

    "Midsomer Murders", on the other hand, does.

  • PerpetualIntern

    "does anyone on the internet know how to use capital letters?"

  • Blake

    Veronica Mars and Dead Like Me have a similar sense of humor?

  • BWeaves

    1. “is danny masterson biracial”? White people have curly hair, too.

    9. “relation between women heiit and vigina”? I believe the answer is first cousins, and Heiit and Vigina are women's names. Learn to capitalize.

    8 “tv shows like monarch of the glen”? YES, at least in the early seasons. The later seasons were crap. But Foyle's War, YES!

  • karen

    why oh why won't the 115 Buffy link work? it was so much easier when it was a viral hit...

  • PerpetualIntern

    I regularly look up this link when I'm having a bad day and it never fails to make me feel better.

  • karen

    Doesn't everyone?

  • bastich

    Since you're so good at the answer-providin', you should start a "Pajiba Advice Column" for the slow news days!

    ("Dear Dusty"?)

  • Mrs. Julien

    He should do that. I have a close friend who has a lot of questions.

  • BWeaves

    And by close friend, you mean your hand, right?

  • “why does val kilmer do bad movies”?

    Sounds like someone is really upset with Val's career trajectory.

  • Parsnip

    I am, I had my beedy on him from The Doors and then...[sniff]

  • VonnegutSlut

    I, myself, have googled "pajiba children's books", "pajiba grown-ass people" and "pajiba Johnny Depp things on my head."

    Just so Google doesn't have to be put out on my account next time it wants to send you a glob of search data.

  • Pentadactyl

    My most frequent ones would be "pajiba heart stopping" "pajiba heart pounding" b/c I'm trying to find that Justified gif article that doesn't have Justified in the title.

  • Socrates_Johnson

    Allow me to add "topless Canadians" to your list of search queries. One sec...

  • Blake

    Unfortunately we live in age where search queries for "topless Canadians" will probably get you Justin Bieber pics so'd I'd avoid that one.

  • Jim

    "topless Canadians -Bieber" should do it nicely.

  • If I'd known that thing was going to submit all my questions right to you, I would have just emailed you in the first place.

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