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And If It's the Last Thing I Ever Do, I'm Gonna Get You: Television's Most Bitter Enemies

By Cindy Davis | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (54)



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As important as a great friendship can be to a television comedy or drama, so can a formidable enemy jazz up, or even define a show. Often the best shows on the little screen revolve around wonderful characters portrayed by beloved actors. But even the greatest protagonist can be made better with a proper enemy; for the majority of “Breaking Bad,” Season 3, a pair of cousins practically took over the show as a cohesive enemy to Walt, then Hank and even Gus. Sherlock has his Moriarty, Bugs has his Fudd and Boston Rob, his Russell Hantz.

So, without further ado, I give you Television’s Top Five Bitter Enemies. If you disagree, meet me out back:

5. Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner: Any time you drop by to check in on these two, you can be sure there’s an attempted murder in progress.

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4. Seinfeld and Newman: Though their mutual hatred was never really explained, it was clear to see and hear any time these boys derisively greeted each other.

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3. Jacob and the Man in Black: Not much was properly resolved by the end of “Lost”…but hey, these two brothers really hate each other! See you in the next life, Smokey.

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2. Jean-Luc Picard and the Borg: Resistance is not futile.

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1. Doctor Who and the Daleks: Enemies since Series 2, before many Pajibans were born and still enemies today. That just can’t be topped.

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Comments

Dr. Venture vs. The Monarch

Posted by: Sad Rockstar at April 14, 2011 12:29 PM

Ren vs. Stimpy.

Carl Winslow vs. Steve Urkel.

Everyone at Sesame Street vs. Oscar the Grouch.

Posted by: JP at April 14, 2011 12:36 PM

Mmmmmm. Jean-Luc Picard. Resistance is futile. Mmmmmm hmmmmm.

Posted by: mistress of all evil at April 14, 2011 12:37 PM

Michael Scott vs. Toby [although all the hate is only on Michael's side]

Posted by: Petrie at April 14, 2011 12:46 PM

Ooh, fun list.

Al Swearengen vs. George Hearst.

Cheers vs. Gary's Old Town Tavern

Dr. Kelso vs Dr. Cox

Homer vs. Flanders

Angel vs. Wolfram and Hart

Uncle Jesse vs. balding

Posted by: Julie at April 14, 2011 12:47 PM

The Parks Department vs. the Library

Hee!

Posted by: jM at April 14, 2011 12:50 PM

Itchy vs. Scratchy.

Posted by: MM at April 14, 2011 12:50 PM

Peter Griffin vs Ernie the giant chicken

Posted by: blacksred at April 14, 2011 12:52 PM

Maggie and one eyebrow Gerald

Posted by: zeke the pig at April 14, 2011 12:53 PM

Vern Schillinger vs. Tobias Beecher from HBO's Oz.

NUMEROUS people were killed (including family) throughout their feud.

Posted by: Derreck at April 14, 2011 12:53 PM

Hee jM!

Leslie Knope vs. Salads

Ron Swanson vs. Vegetarianism

Tobias Funke vs. Nudity

Archer vs. Celibacy

Sydney Bristow vs. Arvin Sloan

Posted by: Julie at April 14, 2011 12:58 PM

Atia of the Julii versus Servilia of the Junii.

Best. Bitchfight. EVAH!

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 14, 2011 1:06 PM

Arrgh, Derreck, I finally thought I had a relevant and timely comment and you beat me to it!

To be fair, Oz had a plethora of blood feuds and just generally severely twisted shit going on.

Toby V. Nazi Fuck was an epic feud, spanning seasons and managing to be both metaphorically and literally Shakespearean.

I still vote Beecher/Keller as one of the most compelling t.v. romances ever.

Posted by: Hawkeye Fierce at April 14, 2011 1:06 PM

ISIS vs. ODIN

Posted by: Jeni at April 14, 2011 1:09 PM

Paul Walker vs. Acting
Snooki vs. Literature

Posted by: Paultera at April 14, 2011 1:09 PM

Kyle vs. Cartman

Sherlock vs. Moriarty

Humans vs. Cylons

Avon vs. Marlo

Posted by: jM at April 14, 2011 1:10 PM

Oooh, good one Paddy! That was epic.

Quintus Batiatus vs. FUCKING EVERYONE

Dirty Beefy Jesus (Crixus) vs. smiling

Posted by: Julie at April 14, 2011 1:12 PM

Mulder vx. Cancer Man

Posted by: Scully at April 14, 2011 1:16 PM

Seriously, Julie. Someone should just package all the Atia vs Servilia clips and sell it to Bravo as "The Real Housewives of Rome". I would watch it every night.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 14, 2011 1:20 PM

Um, HELLO, all time classic enemies: Pepsi vs. Coke


jM & Julie, good ones!

Posted by: Anna von Beav at April 14, 2011 1:27 PM

I might have to rent season two of Rome, just to rewatch their evil delicious scheming.

Posted by: Julie at April 14, 2011 1:30 PM

Servalan v. Avon. They hated each other so much, yet were about two seconds away from ripping each other's clothes off every single time. Totally awesome.

Triangle Man v. Particle Man? Oh wait, that's not TV ...

Posted by: Samantha at April 14, 2011 1:36 PM

Kirk Cameron v. Reason

Posted by: dagnabbit at April 14, 2011 1:45 PM

I enjoy chanting "Atia of the Julii, I call for justice" when my husband is pissing me off. He doens't find it as funny as I do.

Posted by: Steph at April 14, 2011 1:46 PM

Cat v. Dog (the challenge to be able to crap when you have no excretory orifi)

Powdered Toast Man v. Waffle Woman

Jack Bauer v. all bad guys, everywhere

Kim Bauer v. cougar, talent

Posted by: dammitjanet at April 14, 2011 2:00 PM

Scorpius vs Crichton

Posted by: sailboat at April 14, 2011 2:07 PM

De Nomolos > Daleks

Posted by: superasente at April 14, 2011 2:08 PM

More like: Jack Bauer vs. his colon.

Y U NO POOP FOR 24 HOURS!?

Posted by: Salad Is Murder at April 14, 2011 2:25 PM

Seriously?

You put this list together and don't put up...oh let's see...

Boss Hog v. The Duke Boys
Frank Burns v. Hawkeye

Just a couple...this list reads more like "Dustin's List of Television's Most Bitter Enemies"

Posted by: PissBoy at April 14, 2011 2:28 PM

@ Hawkeye Fierce, Most definetely! Keller and Beecher were compelling from beginning to end. I think it was because of the immense chemistry between Meloni and Tergesen though. It was one of the most emotionally abusive, yet, oddly romantic relationships i've ever seen on TV. Just so freaking complex!

@ Steph, that's hilarious! while you're at it, call to the Gods to curse him.

Posted by: Derreck at April 14, 2011 2:33 PM

Mulder and TSM (aka Cancer Man) FTW.

VMG

Posted by: Notorious VMG at April 14, 2011 2:37 PM

Russell Edgington vs. children

Posted by: droll baby at April 14, 2011 2:56 PM

Jim versus Dwight.

Done.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at April 14, 2011 3:09 PM

Sergeant Hatred vs Pedophilia

Dogs vs Rainicorns

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at April 14, 2011 3:30 PM

Marshall Raylan Givens v. Arlo Givens

Posted by: Mad Jack Deacon at April 14, 2011 3:56 PM

The Paddy's Bar crew vs. the McPoyles (some of the most disturbing people on TV IMHO.)

Horatio Caine vs. the sun

Zim vs Dib

Sheldon vs. Evil Wil Wheaton

Posted by: Siege at April 14, 2011 4:01 PM

The most epic battle of all time
Mircale Whip vs Mayo!!

Posted by: blacksred at April 14, 2011 4:04 PM

Givens V. Crowder

Bennett V. Givens

Crowder V. Bennett

A Round Robin of hillbilly hate.

Oh, and Miracle Whip is a tool of the devil.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at April 14, 2011 4:33 PM

Norm from "Cheers" vs his liver

Lorelai Gilmore vs silence

Snakes Eyes vs Storm Shadow

The entire cast of "Grey's Anatomy" vs abstinence

For movies, it's CLEARLY Kramer vs Kramer.

Posted by: branded at April 14, 2011 4:44 PM

Tom vs Jerry
Logan vs Weevil
Steve vs Jane (Coupling, UK)

Posted by: Cadence at April 14, 2011 4:45 PM

Janitor vs. JD

Mel Cooley vs. Buddy Sorrell

Red Forman vs. Commies

Pats fans vs Jets fans

Posted by: kirbyjay at April 14, 2011 4:57 PM

Sydney Bristow vs. Anna Espinoza

SARK vs. Vaughn (SO hot)

Melissa George vs a believable accent


Posted by: Melody at April 14, 2011 5:50 PM

Tom Cruise v. Oprah

Tom Cruise v. Sanity

Tom Cruise v. Nicole Kidman

Tom Cruise v. the Academy Awards

Tom Cruise v. the World.

Posted by: Nico at April 14, 2011 5:54 PM

Ethan vs Ripper

Buffy Summers vs Cordelia Chase

Rory vs Paris

Veronica Mars vs Dick Casablancas

Bugs vs Daffy

Posted by: John W at April 14, 2011 5:59 PM

Veronica Mars vs. Madison Sinclair

Jenna Maroney vs. age

Jack Donaghy vs. Devin Banks

Lucille Bluth vs. Lucille Ostero

Posted by: bonnie at April 14, 2011 7:34 PM

Jeff vs Leonard
Sherlock vs Moriarty
Homer vs Flanders
Laura Ingalls vs Nellie Olsen
Courage vs Katz
Mr. Krabs vs Plankton
And, really, it should be more like Gallifreyians vs Daleks

And @Socrates_Johnson, I love you for that Adventure Time reference.

Posted by: Ellie at April 14, 2011 8:59 PM

clark vs. lex

the winchesters vs. cheeseburgers, beer and sleeping in the car (oh and hell and the heavenly host)

Posted by: idleprimate at April 15, 2011 12:57 AM

Xena vs Callisto!

re-runs.. I was unemployed... don't judge me...!

Posted by: Sarah J-Town at April 15, 2011 1:45 AM

the winchesters vs. cheeseburgers, beer and sleeping in the car (oh and hell and the heavenly host)

Posted by: idleprimate


YES!!!! How about:

Castiel vs. liquor store?

Posted by: dammitjanet at April 15, 2011 8:40 AM

Revealing my epic nerdery, but I can't believe no one has said Londo vs. G'Kar yet.

Posted by: RhymesWithSilver at April 15, 2011 8:51 AM

Eric v. Bill (True Blood). Team Eric, all the way.

Posted by: samantha t at April 15, 2011 11:39 AM

G.O.B. Bluth vs Magicians Alliance

Finn Hudson vs Gassy Baby Face

Dewey Cox vs Bathroom Sinks

Posted by: badhorse666 at April 15, 2011 4:04 PM

Sam Malone vs. John Allen Hill.

Posted by: Kobie at April 15, 2011 9:08 PM

Oscar v. Felix...

Ginger v. Mary Ann...

Posted by: Mary Jane at April 17, 2011 7:08 PM