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America F**k (-ing People You're Not Married To) Yeah!: Our Favorite Political Sex Scandals

By Courtney Enlow | Seriously Random Lists | November 15, 2012 | Comments ()


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Celebrities--they're just like us! Unless they're political celebrities who make decisions that affect or lives or hold top secret clearances and have access to information that could lead to the devastating crumble of national security and the western world as we know it. But, other than that, just like us! And, just like us!, they like to get some strange. Be it in an airport bathroom, an undisclosed Argentinian location or below decks on the good ship Monkey Business, our political leaders love little more than exercising their civic duty all over someone's governing body. *winking so hard she pulls an eye muscle*
As we all float waist-deep in the muddy waters of the Petraeus scandal, let's take a look back at some of the finest US political sex scandals, and, remember, YOU are the ones sullying the sanctity of marriage, you loving, monogamous homosexuals.

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Larry Craig

In 2007, Idaho Senator Larry Craig did a little airport bathroom tap dance, the universal signal for "I want your sex, in the George Michaely way." This did not work out for him, what with how his desired partner in the "not everybody does it, but everybody should"-ing (yes, that song is in my head now) was an undercover officer. Craig served out the rest of his term, but was tragically destined to never enter a public restroom again.

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Mark Sanford

You know what more scandals need? Total AWOL disappearances, replete with widely varying alibis, climaxing in the discovery that the missing person in question has been in Argentina with his mistress. Ole! Upon his return, Sanford tearfully announced that he'd spent the last five days crying in Argentina (in his defense, it might not have been a total lie-- I'm sure some liquid was in fact exiting his body in some way). Alas, his tears were wasted and he resigned his post as head of the Republican Governors Association.

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Eliot Spitzer

As a rule, whatever they fight against hardest, that's their biggest vice (I have it on good authority that Paul Ryan has had, like, twelve abortions and pops OrthoTriCyclen like it's candy.) And when Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught partaking in the very enterprise he'd fought so hard against, it was shocking. And pretty hilarious. It was called The Emperor's Club. That's so fancy. And I still think it's hilariously awesome that his call girl of choice, Ashley Rae Maika DiPietro, née Ashley Youmans, alias Ashley Alexandra Dupré, hooked under the name "Kristen." It's never not funny.

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John Edwards

*angry face* His isn't funny. Douche.

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Anthony Wiener

BUT HIS IS! *puts on party hat* Okay, I want someone to tell me right now how people accidentally tweet their genitals. You tell me right now. Because I don't get it. Be it the drummer for Sex Bob-omb or a NY congressman, how do you even do that? It seems hard (and I'm not talking about Weiner's little Anthony). Also, as he's one of Jon Stewart's best friends, there is nothing I wouldn't give to be privy to the riotous shitgivings he gets from his friends (it's been over a year--it's totally okay to make fun of him to his face now, right?)

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Bill Clinton

Ain't no scandal like a Bill Clinton scandal 'cause a Bill Clinton scandal don't stop. Seriously. It won't stop. His name is still synonymous with adulterer, pimp, playa, manwhore, however you want to word it, and Monica Lewinsky is still a national joke, which is really sad, because of all the obvious reasons, and, if it had been ten years later, chick would have had at least four reality shows by now.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Mrcreosote

    T. Jeff and Sally Hemmings. Ben Franklin and most of the prostitutes in the colonies. This is not new.

  • Maguita NYC

    @Courtney, this was hilarious!!! Wiener's little Anthony is stuck in my head now, and not in a good way. I keep seeing that cheesy pic of him in boxers posing in what I believe was the gym locker-room...

    I often wonder how Kennedy would have fared if he were to get caught with Marilyn Monroe today?

  • ,

    Kennedy could get away with it because everyone could understand: Jesus, it was fucking Marilyn Monroe.

    Now Monica Lewinsky? Ehhhhh, not so much. Paula Jones? Please. Clinton deserved to get impeached just for having terrible taste in mistresses.

    And I guess you young'uns are too ... um, young'un to remember Wilbur Mills and Fanne Foxe.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    Kennedy Kockshots. You know it would happen.

  • Maguita NYC

    I think you just unintentionally gave ideas to that Kardashian brother to promote his Klassy Kockshots!!!

  • e jerry powell

    Courtney, the weiner and its owner are considering a run for mayor of NYC.

    Just thought that was mentionable.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    He can consider away. New Yorkers are forgiving people, but I think we'd rather elect a lesbian than a newlywed sext-cheater. The Democratic field is pretty deep for the next mayoral election.

  • e jerry powell

    Not like there's not a qualified and viable lesbian candidate...

  • Sara_Tonin00

    That's what I meant.

  • e jerry powell

    Oh, I know.
    ;-)

  • Sara_Tonin00

    :P I think New Yorkers will also go for a lesbian over an is-he-isn't-he-corrupt Asian. Whoo! We have the best choices!

    (so mad I'm not Democratic party and therefore not eligible to vote in primary)

  • Sara_Tonin00

    It's the democrat ones that make me saddest. Bill, you broke my heart. Not with the cheating, but with the lying. Of course, the lying wouldn't have been necessary if it had been normal sex and not sexual harassment sex.

    And Spitzer. You're just an asshole. I loved your righteous indignation and crusading as a prosecuter. I fucking hate your guts as a hypocrite.

  • e jerry powell

    I can't help it; there's something about arrogant, self-righteous, hypocritical douchebags that makes me want to tie one down and bone him into a smug little coma. Hate-fucking at its finest.

  • John G.

    Spitzer's scandal is a tragedy. He was starting to prosecute some big banks in New York before the collapse, and they weren't able to buy him off, because he was already rich. He was brought down by paying a prostitute for sex, something that would be legal, unionized and regulated in any sane society. Then those big banks turned around and fucked us all with no protection and no remorse.

  • e jerry powell

    Except that Spitzer was ironically also a crusader for shutting down prostitution and other vice in New York.

  • John G.

    See, that's the thing. The fact that he's a moralizing hypocrite doesn't affect the good work he was doing with the banks.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Except that it *DID*

  • John G.

    True, it did. However, what I meant was that it didn't change the "goodness" of the work he was doing, just because he's a hypocrite.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I don't think we have to look very far to see that when someone behaves in an ethically challenged manner, it casts his good actions in a hazy light also (see Lance Armstrong and his charity.) There may exists some results that were unquestionably good, but the motives behind them are now suspect, and that weakens the impact & legacy.

    It's what makes me angry at him.

  • e jerry powell

    And then he got that job at CNN...

  • e jerry powell

    And then there's this teabagging douchenozzle from the Tennessee congressional delegation, anti-abortion but encouraged his wife have two abortions before they got married (and insisted that one of his mistresses have one after he got married to his wife), cheated on his wife with more than a few of his medical patients, his coworkers and a pharmaceutical rep.

    Traditional God-sanctioned marriage, indeed.

  • Bedewcrock

    My fave: In 2010, Utah House Majority Leader Kevin Garn got on the House floor to confess that he "skinny dipped in a hot tub with a 15 year old girl who worked for him" but allegedly "nothing happened." In response to his confession, the Speaker of the House David Clark praised Garn for his honesty saying: “You are an asset to the state of Utah. I ask that all of us share in honoring a man that we know has served honorably and capably in this body, and we’re proud to do so." And then led the House in a standing ovation.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I don't know if I should downvote that for happening or upvote for the reportage.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    ooh, that one is good. Recent, too.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Wait, Ashley Rae Maika DiPIETRO? I guess now I know how the Islanders' Rick spent his $110 million - slipping one past the goalie! Which is sort of ironic until you remember that he plays for the ISLANDERS.

    Two hockey jokes in one day must mean the withdrawal is hitting me harder than anticipated.

  • lowercase_see

    And David Vitter: the one who got re-elected.

    Goddamit, Louisiana. This is why we can't have nice things.

  • That's actually when I lost all respect for Bobby J. (not that I had much to begin with) He endorsed Vitter and held a fundraiser for him as a family values candidate AFTER it happened the first time. *Sigh*

  • I have to admit that I fell into the comic side of the Clinton scandal, because when he appeared on Jon Stewart during the election and spoke, my first thought was, "Wow, he's really intelligent!"

    Also, what a time for political satire: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • BierceAmbrose

    I cannot stop snerking over all of this.

    The poli-juice scandal I love most is David Paterson, Eliot Spitzer's ("Spit-zer" - snerk.) former Lt. Governor. The day after Paterson got elevated, he has a press thing to announce all of it.

    "Here it is folks. Let me save you some time. Both my wife and I have had extra-marital affairs. We also ... blah, blah, blah."

    Rounding out the bases:

    - Julian Assange's disco-stalker dancing & even creepier email/text "flirting." He's a revolutionary, y'all. Get on board! Also, emails never get loose, so say anything you want, Mr. Wikileaks. ("Wikileaks" - snerk.)

    - "Crazed sex poodle" Al Gore, who apparently propositions the masseuses John Travolta doesn't. Allegedly. The image of the one guy in US national politics more wooden than the Romney-bot, as a "crazed sex poodle." I. Cannot. Stop. Snerking.

    - Henry Kissinger. Snerk.

  • Luke Anthony Matthews

    Monica Lewinsky really did get screwed. If she banged Obama now, she'd get her Bravo reality show in an instant!

  • googergieger

    Oh, cause he's black and black dudes like fat white chicks? Getting really tired of your constant honest racism Luke. Really tired of it.

  • BWeaves

    I don't think this has anything to do with Obama. I think Luke is making the comment that if she banged anyone famous now, she would get a reality show. Whereas, back then, all she got was an interview where she claimed she wanted people to leave her alone.

  • e jerry powell

    People who weren't spooging all over her cheap dresses, anyway.

    And really, she'd need to have a tape of the Obama-banging these days. Preferably with running commentary from a Kardashian.

  • Maguita NYC

    If we're speaking Kardashian, something will be running alright, but it won't be a commentary!

  • e jerry powell

    That's an even scarier mental picture.

  • googergieger

    Jokes.

  • Maguita NYC

    Phewwww. I really thought you were serious there for a moment... Because, well, I think if we were to get real and this happens, the first thing the Tea "party" will be doing is prepare for a public lynching while serving crumpets.

    And Lewinsky will be hailed as a National Hero by the GOP, and a Joan of Arc by one Mike Huckabee.

  • Cody McKee
  • googergieger

    Mark Foley? Bob Allen? Rekers?! How the eff can you not have Rekers?!

    Booooooo.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Gary Hart, the beginning of modern sex scandals.

    Clarence Thomas.

  • ,

    Nope. See above.

    Wilbur Mills.

    Fanne Foxe.

    Tidal basin.

  • LibraryChick

    What about FDR and his secretary Lucy? Or Eleanor Roosevelt and her alleged affair with her assistant Lorena Hickok?

  • mswas

    Sandford's passé now. I've referenced "hiking the Appalachian trail" a couple of times, but no one seems to get it.

  • e jerry powell

    Mostly because we've all moved on to "luggage-lifting," a la George Rekers.

  • A little Gary Hart anyone? Or am I dating myself?

  • BierceAmbrose

    Dating yourself is only a scandal if you're the same gender. Or married to someone else at the time. Carry on.

    Gary Hart got a passing mention in the text. He's one of my favorites because he freaking dared the press to hide in his bushes and find something. Out loud. On the record.

    Snerk.

  • Oops my bad. :)

  • LibraryChick

    Yes, the Monkey Business was where the press caught him, which Courtney mentioned, even though she didn't say his name.

  • ed newman

    You're right. A friend sent me a Lewinsky joke this morning.

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