Pajiba

The Wicker Man (2006) (Embarrassment)

And your last words will be, "NOOO, NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES!"

Steel Magnolias (Shame)

WHAT?! You can take this bible and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

I love that you really thought of 99 horrible movies for this list.

HOW are you not dead right now?!

Garden State (Whimsy)

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

And I will gladly die from Brokeback Mountain or In America.

You are a PIG from HELL, Rowles.

I would think of some, and then go down the list and find it there. Good job, Rowles! I quite agree with the vast majority.

Except for My Girl. Dude, that was my coming-of-age movie. Don't knock bee-stung deaths and hot bee-stung lips!

Hush.

Fucking terrible.

I rather liked Jacob's Ladder. Granted, I haven't seen it in many years. How about substituting The Omega Code(Bewildering Stupidity) for it? It's got "the end" right in the title. Bonus points for horrific wooden acting from Catherine Oxenberg, Casper Van Dien and Michael York combined with a nonsensical, convoluted plot. Even the B-Movie lover in me wanted to crawl into a dark place and die.

Patch Adams: (Diabeetus)

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

BarbadoSlim, you owe me a new keyboard. Mine is now coated in a combination of iced tea and snot.

Gigli: self inflicted claw hammer to the head
Monster Squad :kick in the nards
Stardust: boob deflation
The Thin Man: gin poisoning
Beetlejuice: that fucking dog

I love that you really thought of 99 horrible movies for this list.

Well, they're really a bunch of horrible movies, mixed in with a bunch of really good movies that often do unpleasant things to you (or make you feel extremely in one fashion or another)

unless, of course, you hope to argue that Evil Dead 2 *is* a horrible movie, in which case, I bite my tongue at thee!

Never seen it...but don't worry, my SO won't let me go long without watching it.

9. Well, that's 5 less than the classics, at least.

Evil Dead 2, Brokeback Mountain, Garden State, The Hours, Manos: Hands of Fate (never without Joel and the gang, though), and Schindler's List.

Also Freddy Got Fingered, Glitter, and John Tucker Must Die, but in my defense, I saw all three with the same friend, and she doesn't even have terrible taste in movies, she has no taste.

Shadows of Dakaron, Right, that' all you ever get from Van Dien. But in this movie you get a trio of actors who might as well have been 2x4' with photos pasted to them.

Gumbo (Accentuated Anal Puckering that Swallows You Whole)

Edmond (Confused Self Strangulation)

Wild Hogs (Profuse Bleeding From the Clawmarks on the Eyes)

You left off Dog Soldiers (Shock).

I love this movie for it's sheer badness.

And also Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, but I'm not sure what the Cause of Death would be for that one. Embarrassment, probably.

Prince of Tides (Streisand)

Showgirls (Masturbation)

Mswas, your comment suggests that (Streisand) is a cause of death. If that's how you meant it - HeeHee. I'm thinking of the South Park Streisand monster now.

I must admit, I'm a little bit frightened.

40 Year Old Virgin: (Butthole Pleasure)

I now know firsthand what it's like to try to get bits of Devil Dog out of a keyboard. Hint for anyone who has yet to experience this: It's fucking impossible.

Hey Dustin, I'm not really feeling these columns today. Lately Rowles you've been in a fog, I hope everything is going ok, sometimes I worry about you.

"Hudson Hawk" (Botched Self Trepanation)

Graindy - that is indeed how I meant it.

I can appreciate Babs, but don't get me started on how she ruined that wonderful book when she directed the movie.

What exactly is shameful about My Girl?

I think Dustin just gets a yucky feeling when Vada gets her period for the first time.

I'm not suggesting there's anything shameful about the movie itself; I'm merely saying that you may die of shame when your spouse walks in on you weeping like a ninny into your pillow over a few bee stings. -- DR

The cheese factor in Spice World was worth the risk of someone walking in on you and catching you enjoying it.

Barely.

When Vada cries "Where's his glasses, he needs his glasses?!" I bawl like a four year-old after a Big Wheels accident. Oh Thomas J!!

I bite my tongue at thee!
Do you mean "thumb"? Because that's one of my favorite Shakespearean insults. Also, you have an awesome name.

DOH!

smacks forehead.

and again.

christ, i've been brainfarting all over the place today.

gah, the 40,000 screaming Koreans and their thundersticks must have knocked something loose last night.

a real contradiction in your prologue,
dustin. a " particularly powerful
reaction " does not describe boredom.
shame, embarrassment,anguish,stupidity
ok but not boredom .

Oh, my God. Dancer in the Dark just about killed me, as did Breaking the Waves.

Manos! Bwahahaha...my best friend in high school used to use that DVD to help him go to sleep. Not even MST3K's version could keep you awake.

Looked up the definition b/c i kept laughing at the thought of dying of it:

Dismay implies that one is disconcerted and at a loss as to how to deal with something.

What a death to die.

Spun (insanity, from being bound-and-gagged and having to listen to a skipping track blaring at full volume)

Up yours, Rowles, I've seen more of those than I've seen of the Hot 100, and I'M STILL HERE!!!omg

The House Bunny (pelvic anneurism)

Soylent Green is Sheeple no worries, brain farts happen and can be beautiful. I just felt like a total bitch for correcting you, but I've got the yuckies today (remnants of a flu that i think I caught from taking care of my mom when she had hers) and I went for it.

Fuck the flu.

62! and i OWN over a third of them! and over half of those on dvd! and i loved sphere!

"maybe, you know, just a PIECE of a xanax..."

Oh Heavens!

Audition was truly icky! That's the best word I can come up with that will cover how I felt when you see whats in the bag.
IIIICCCCKKKKYYYYY!!!!!

Welcome to the Dollhouse (Pubescent Flashback)

gp between this and the shoe support, I think I heart you bunches.

But seriously, fuck the flu. That shit needs to get bent.

Titus (Disgust and anguish and shock and trauma)

Nice list, Mr. Rowles... However, it would appear you've never seen the worst of the worst - Gummo - which would've rounded out the list to a nice, even 100. If I may, an excerpt from my retarded "Personal Information" section on Facebook:

"...Gummo is without a doubt, the worst movie I have ever seen. Ever. I'd give almost anything to take that movie out to a cornfield on a cold, gray October morning and put a bullet in the back of its skull."

Now, I'm sure a lot of work went into compiling this list of atrocities, as well as the cause(s) of death, but until Gummo is nestled betwixt Good Luck Chuck and Half-Nelson, I'm afraid it's incomplete.

Cause of death? Trying to figure out WHY THE FUCK BACON IS TAPED TO THE BATHROOM WALL! EXPLAIN THAT TO ME KORINE! EXPLAIN HOW THAT HAS ANY GODDAM THING TO DO WITH FUCKING ANYTHING! THERE'S NOTHING "ARTISTIC" ABOUT IT - IT'S A PIECE OF BACON! TAPED! TO A FRIGGIN' WALL! WHY?!

Thank you for your time,
Skittimus Maximus Esquire III, and brother Minimus

Bacon...taped...on a wall....

My brain is leaking out my ears a little.

IT'S A PIECE OF BACON! TAPED! TO A FRIGGIN' WALL! WHY?!

The wall is now infinately tastier then it was pre-bacon. It now has a rich, smokey flavour.

Am I the only one who's seen Kids? That movie fucked. up. my. shit. I saw it when it was released in 1995 or 96, and I wasn't much older than the kids in the film (which makes me pretty damn old) and it messed with my head something awful. Even Chloe Sevigny and Rosario Dawson couldn't save it. By the way, it was co-written by Harmony Korine of Gummo fame.

I dunno, I think if you watch the MST3K Manos: Hands of Fate you might be alright.

The briar patch again, huh? You naughty boy.

I KNEW THAT MICRO-MINI WOULD TURN YOU!

Sooo... You want me to spank you?

preferably while i scrawl "i will NOT write Bladerunner" on a chalkboard (to appease the wrath of Jay).

If oooonly it was just you. You just happened to wander down that alley today.

Kayanne's become a little frightening.

Hey, don't pass the buck now. I told ya that ain't my scene.

Oh you're just temporarily at bay.

Now you want me to spank you, Jake?

Wait, wait, wait...

When did I become Pajiba's resident mistress?

When did I become Pajiba's resident mistress?

Posted by: Kayanne at March 24, 2009 8:49 PM

Resident whore.

There, I fixed it for you.

I'm being "creatively crude" 'cause I love ya.

I adore David Lynch, but I can honestly say Inland Empire should have killed me with the realization of my brain's ineptitude.

Jay I think I've only ever threatened Rhyme... *sniffles* But I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings.

BSlim, I love ya, too, hun, but that moniker correction doesn't quite explain when it happened.

*pouts* Maybe I don't wanna spank anybody. Maybe I just want some ginger ale.

Look, I am trying to drink Guinness and watch "Return of the Jedi" (with an intermission to play the Silver Jews' second album) and don't need to get embroiled in no corporal punishment with anybody.

Oh if only I was allergic to peanuts I could end it all so easily.

than^

eff

obviously nothing i start will end well today.

all i wanted was some "Castle Anthrax" styled punishment and now i've driven a sick girl to the cold comfort of ginger ale.

oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Soylent.

I can't believe no one is jumping on that "die by nuts" thing.

Well, I think the peanut gallery

HAW HAW HAW!

is following the Kevin Smith story.

Blade Runner/Bladerunner is a horrible movie no matter how you write the title.

I still can't believe he'd rather die be nuts than spank someone.

Maybe he hasn't met the right ass yet.

Trust me, Jay, there's no heavy lifting with those nuts.

Oh isn't there enough pain in the world already, Kayanne? Do I have to sing "Ball of Confusion"? Can't I just make out with Rebecca Gates already? I mean DAMN, I've waited long enough.

I think the gulf between Jay's tastes and mine just keeps broadening with every passing day.

We'll always have awesome glasses.

I think I missed a comma there. Isn't figgy supposed to be monitoring that stuff?

Fine, but you'd better return the favor when the time comes.

like i could ever refuse you and your love for Shakespearean insults?

Rawr! That spank was even better because I kept myself from begging for it.

I, must forever and ever, faithfully remember to insert, with care, the comma.

Hmm, that seems a bit much.

Condoms, even when properly used, cannot affect the delivery of the most dertermined, efficient and expedient comma.

Figgy you dissapoint me. I know that makes you a sad panda.

Now I can't fucking spell!

"determined"

admin, it does! But oh, that movie...my SO tried to make me watch it, but I fell asleep about 45 minutes in. He woke me up again, but the rest of it was just horrible and boring and I couldn't get through it. Hated it.

*sigh*

This job is getting harder and harder, isn't it Jay.

*raises eyebrow*

figs, finally found you. Message for you on the "Confluence of Evil" thread.

Aah there's so many to keep track of. I'm fighting in the Miss March thread, it's so much fun.

man, something was in the water here at Pajiba today ...

I was going to write something but this sums up much more appropriately how I feel. A youtube video is worth a thousand words: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhTiJEYqqY8

Yeah, Batman Forever really does deserve to be the image for this article...

Shutup and go watch Oldboy.

What Dreams May Come. You'll die of embarrassment AND despite your best resistance, snotty tears that will cause you to be so congested that, in your weakened state, you will die of oxygen deprivation.

oooh, thought of another one

Come and See = (i have no mouth but i must scream)

a Soviet film from 1985 about the German occupation of Belarus during WW II.

one of the most deeply disturbing films i have ever experienced.

there's one segment in particular that's just so suffocatingly claustrophic you'll want to claw your own skin off to escape.

Hahaha, I'm late in the game, but I wanna say that it's these random and glorious posts and comment threads like this that make me love reading Pajiba.

Well, I was kidding about Tommy and Jim (Christ, were they awful) but still, coulda been a lot worse. I saw it at a drive-in and the sun hadn't completely set, and that's a very dark movie towards the end. I'm not entirely sure what the climax even was.

Though I did notice, the picture used at the top of this list is from A Clockword Orange. Yet, I don't see it anywhere on the page.

"Weekend" (Gradual French Aneurysm)

I challenge any one of you to sit through the entire movie! Especially the part with the peasants and the rambling about the proletariat and such. Also, the cannibals. Or were they hippies? My mind has denied access to those memories.

Also, any early Cronenberg should do the trick. Naked Lunch (as already mentioned) Shivers, Videodrome, Scanners....you name it.

"He tells me that all flesh...is erotic...and then we make love...beautifully..."

Benjamin Button, boredom?
Were you not watching the movie?