7 Unintentionally Horrifying Movies to Scare the Bejesus Out of You This Halloween

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | October 31, 2012 | Comments ()

It’s Halloween, folks, and while many of you will spend the evening handing out diabetes and coronary disease to obese children dressed as superheroes before watching your favorite slasher flicks and horror movies, I have a few suggestions that are unintentionally far more frightening than your typical Halloween fare. These are five terrifying movies that would take far more willpower to watch through the parted fingers of your hand than the entire Paranormal Activity and Saw movies combined. They may not contain much entertainment value, but they are scary goddamn films.

Magic Mike — A group of deranged drug addicts who can ill afford to purchase clothing congregate each night, abuse drugs, and rape floors. HIDE YOUR FLOORING. THESE MEN WILL SOIL YOUR HARDWOOD.

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star: A terrifying mentally disabled man with buckteeth who lives in a Midwestern city where farmers rape their goats travels to Los Angeles, waves his tiny penis at porn stars, sprays innocent bystanders with his semen, and sexually harasses the audience by frequently masturbating into the camera.

The Odd Life of Timothy Green — A grieving couple bereft over their inability to have children create a list of charactertistics that would form the perfect child, plant the list in their garden, and grow a little boy with leaves attached to his legs who digs his way out of the Earth and infects a small community with treacliness, haunting grown ups with cuteness, and returning to the ground, leaving young viewers an inconsolable mess.

The Bucket List: Two horrifyingly old men stricken with disease escape a hospital, one a tedious geezer obsessed with minutia who narrates maudlin bullshit with his omnipotent voice and the other a blood-coughing asshole. The two weep, shit and drink gin together before exacting their own personal Make-A-Wish foundation on the audience while singing “The Lion Sings Tonight” and raving maniacally through an African safari.

Eat, Pray, Love: A unctuously monstrous woman with a long face and over-sized teeth travels the world and inflicts her self-absorbed fortune cookie crap on Javier Bardem and Richard Jenkins, bores people to death with her petty fucking problems and her Buddhist Ayn Rand bullshit philosophy, and sucks out all the air around her with her claustrophobic narcissism.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop: A morbidly obese man with a pedo-stache poses as a security guard, lurches around the mall in a space-age contraption, sweats on the innocent, preys upon women a third of his size, and consumes everything in his wake.

Country Strong: A pretty Californian faux-Brit murders the audience with a shrieky twang, soccer-mom slinks her way around a country-song turd, rubs herself up and down like a Praying Mantis in love with itself, turns zombie and starts awkwardly thrashing around her head, and sheds mascara like a Tammy Faye Baker clown during crying jags. Terrifying.

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kirbyjay

I thought a Magic Mike cleaned sticky floors, not got them that way.

sunny miller

What the hell? I think Julia's unctuous mouth might be bigger than my whole face.

Jezzer

Look at that picture again and ask yourself what is the most likely reason Julia's mouth can open wide enough to cover an entire human face.

SPOILER
(It's so she can eat your face)

BlackRabbit

I LIKED Paul Blart, Mall Cop. Rest of these films, horrifying.

Blake

You include Bucky Larson but no That's My Boy or Jack and Jill?

Side Note: WTF! David Caspe wrote That's My Boy? The guy who created Happy Endings?

DominaNefret

Eat, Pray, Love is the only movie I have ever walked out on. My own fault, I hadn't read the book and didn't know much about it. I thought it was the most offensive movie I have ever seen.

oilybohunk7

I read the book because I wanted to see the movie by the time I finished it, after checking it out three times from the library, I knew that I never wanted to see that movie. I should have given up on the book too.

John G.

Can we get the image of Gwenyth dying as a gif? Here, I'll help:

http://i.imgur.com/vAo99.gif?1

TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

I would like to add that I have wall to wall carpeting so Charming Potato and his band of floor-fuckers can have at it. I will not be held responsible for any instances rug burn.

Maguita NYC

I don't know how Dustin feels about watching men strip, but Magic Mike was the campiest most fun I've had in a movie theater ever: It was in the village, midnight showing, and every good-looking gay man was in attendance. The hooting, hollering and dirty comments coming from the audience was the most fun ever!

One does not lose sleep over any horrific Magic Mike stripping, but one DOES lose one's undies... And oh yeah, maybe a bit of sleep later on.

alwaysanswerb

I regret nothing about my reaction to Magic Mike.

Which, for reference, was: http://x43.xanga.com/320f90e31...

BWeaves

They can shag my carpet.

Maguita NYC

That'll be a bitch to clean...

Puddin

Me and the water bottle of vodka I snuck into the theater that night agree!

Maguita NYC

he-he, mine was tequila. My friend had a salt shaker and slices of lemon in a ziplock hidden inside her coat! I don't know how I resisted asking one of the cute guys to bare his belly button for us.

Fabius_Maximus

to bear his belly button for us.

I hope it wasn't that hairy.

Maguita NYC

Corrected it, thanks!

Puddin

Oh, be my friend! I had a vodka, a six pack of 7-up AND bitters in my purse. We called the cocktail "The Lawbreaker"

Maguita NYC

All that in ONE handbag??

The only thing missing is a hot buffet; Stripper club style of course.

Meander

Oh, and a question - do the ladies actually dig watching floor raping?

Maguita NYC

Maybe not as much as the dudes dig watching pole raping.

Uriah_Creep

You have to admit, that pole was just asking for it.

TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

I feel violated.

Hollyg

Omg, I had never seen that Eat, Pray, Love gif. It will forever haunt me in my dreams.
Also, I can't stop looking at it. Is it cursed?

klingonfree

That shit's fucked up. Thanks. Just thanks.

John W

Holy batshit that gif is freaky deaky

Javier

anyone else got reminded of the "Come to Daddy" video?

also, I'm throwing holy water at my computer right now

zeke_the_pig

Same. Goddamn thing made my head do a 360 turn-around shriek with vomit spraying the whole time, which then congealed into a frozen visage of my own screaming countenance. And I'm looking at it now and it's still not as scary as that gif.

Bert_McGurt

Out of the yawning, cavernous blackness cometh... Cthulhuvula!

Maguita NYC

Like watching an accident happen: You just can't look away! And Julia Roberts' mouth is one big scary dark cavern of doom.

Meander

OMG. The horror. The horror.

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7 Unintentionally Horrifying Movies to Scare the Bejesus Out of You This Halloween