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5 Unintentionally Horrifying Movies to Scare the Bejesus Out of You This Halloween

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (17)

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It’s Halloween, folks, and while many of you will spend the evening handing out diabetes and coronary disease to obese children dressed as superheroes before watching your favorite slasher flicks and horror movies, I have a few suggestions that are unintentionally far more frightening than your typical Halloween fare. These are five terrifying movies that would take far more willpower to watch through the parted fingers of your hand than the entire Paranormal Activity and Saw movies combined. They may not contain much entertainment value, but they are scary goddamn films.

Bucky Swardson: Born to Be a Star: A terrifying mentally retarded man with buckteeth who lives in a Midwestern city where farmers rape their goats travels to Los Angeles, waves his tiny penis at porn stars, sprays innocent bystanders with his semen, and sexually harasses the audience by frequently masturbating into the camera.

The Bucket List: Two horrifyingly old men stricken with disease escape a hospital, one a tedious geezer obsessed with minutia who narrates maudlin bullshit with his omnipotent voice and the other a blood-coughing asshole. The two weep, shit and drink gin together before exacting their own personal Make-A-Wish foundation on the audience while singing “The Lion Sings Tonight” and raving maniacally through an African safari.

Eat, Pray, Love: A unctuously monstrous woman with a long face and over-sized teeth travels the world and inflicts her self-absorbed fortune cookie crap on Javier Bardem and Richard Jenkins, bores people to death with her petty fucking problems and her Buddhist Ayn Rand bullshit philosophy, and sucks out all the air around her with her claustrophobic narcissism.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop: A morbidly obese man with a pedo-stache poses as a security guard, lurches around the mall in a space-age contraption, sweats on the innocent, preys upon women a third of his size, and consumes everything in his wake.

Country Strong: A pretty Californian faux-Brit murders the audience with a shrieky twang, soccer-mom slinks her way around a country-song turd, rubs herself up and down like a Praying Mantis in love with itself, turns zombie and starts awkwardly thrashing around her head, and sheds mascara like a Tammy Faye Baker clown during crying jags. Terrifying.










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Comments

I wouldn't say Kevin James is morbidly obese.

And Seth Rogen in Observe and Report was a more disgustingly devious mall cop.

This sounds like I'm defending Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Posted by: DeistBrawler at October 31, 2011 12:58 PM

"The Bucket List" is ok. The rest I have not, nor will I, ever see.

Posted by: logan at October 31, 2011 1:00 PM

Out of, let's say, boredom (boredom) here are some quasi-Simpsons interpretations of the list, for completeness:

Bucky Sword-in-your-son: Born a Killer Ma

The Morgue Slop Bucket List

Eat, Pray, Krueger Glove

Paul Blarg!

Mark Country Strong (terrifying)

x

Posted by: emotionalpedant at October 31, 2011 1:14 PM

"soccer mom slinking" should be a new Olympic sport

Posted by: cinekat at October 31, 2011 1:24 PM

5 more to the list...

The Upside of Anger: And angry shrew of a jilted wife verbally and psychologically abuses the shit out of her daughters because her husband left her for a phantom woman only later to have someone discover that his dead body "accidentally fell" down a long lost well on their property all along. (Yeah right it was.) I find it odd that no one in this movie even for a moment stopped and asked themselves why the raving bitch couldn't have possibly offed hubby.

My Best Friend's Wedding: You do realize all this movie really would have needed to become a horror was the proper soundtrack. Julia Roberts does everything humanly possible to sabotage someone's wedding to the point that if it had Nine Inch Nails in the background you'd swear her next move would be to boil Cameron Diaz's head in a pot.

The Santa Clause: A whimsical story about a single Dad being forcibly transformed into Kris Kringle to the point where he loses his job, custody of his son, and arguably the better part of his sanity all because of an act of kindness. So just remember kiddies, when next you see St. Nick, know that he's not doing this because he loves you, but rather he's being forced against his will to do this. He is quite literally a slave to Christmas.

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory: I'm surprised this one wasn't already on the list. It could very well be the most horrifying haunted house movies of all times. It breaks one of the unwritten cardinal rules of most horror movies where children are not to be harmed at least on screen. Ghoulish Wonka entices families into his technicolor deathtrap disguised in the form of a candy factory, where they encounter all sorts of deadly traps that OSHA would have a field day citing (and don't get me started on that fucking boat ride). Add to that the infinite supply of midget minions and ear-stabbing showtunes and you have a movie that would make any kid swear off sweets.

Dumbo: Yep. Another children's movie. In this one poor Dumbo is a baby born with deformed ears. Bad enough everyone bullies him, but by the time some asshole kid assaults him, his mother is violently taken away from him when she defends him. He is then used for public ridicule and humiliation...and then there's the whole "pink elephant" nightmare where Dumbo is drunk. It's only when he can show people he can be exploited in a new way that his mother is freed (or as much as one can be and still be in a cage.) Presumably, she's let out so Dumbo won't have a reason to fly away permanently. If Dumbo was a child and not a pachyderm this would have been an Law & Order SVU episode.

Posted by: bleujayone at October 31, 2011 1:51 PM

Eat, Pray, Love, Vomit.

Posted by: Christopher at October 31, 2011 2:43 PM

i can"t for the life of me understand why Seth Rogen is popular and famous.

Posted by: wickedwhisper at October 31, 2011 3:09 PM

Chitty. Chitty. Bang. Bang.

Posted by: klingonfree at October 31, 2011 3:36 PM

bluejayone wins, if only for this:

boil Cameron Diaz's head in a pot.

I'd pay $10 to see that.

Posted by: , at October 31, 2011 3:41 PM

@ comma: With the rest of her still attached or not?

Just curious...

Posted by: FabMax at October 31, 2011 4:43 PM

What a stupid article. Can I get the 3 seconds I took to skim this back?

Posted by: Jimbo at October 31, 2011 6:56 PM

Whenever I see that header photo, I imagine that in order to get that reaction from ol' GOOPy, the director whispered this in her ear:

"Gwyneth, the sheets you are lying on are a poly-cotton blend."

Posted by: firedmyass at October 31, 2011 9:42 PM

I know you all already know this, but I continue to be amazed by the fact that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was written by Ian Fleming, and produced by Alfred R. Brocolli ...... it was a childhood fave .....

Posted by: handy_man at October 31, 2011 11:08 PM

/meta

This ought to be a feature. So many movies and shows that don't deserve the full review treatment would make fine fodder for single paragraph takedowns like these.

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at October 31, 2011 11:29 PM

FabMax,

Can't deny the bangin' body, so ... the head alone will do. Leave me the rest.

What I do with it is nobody's business but mine.

Posted by: , at November 1, 2011 11:08 AM

"I know you all already know this, but I continue to be amazed by the fact that Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was written by Ian Fleming, and produced by Alfred R. Brocolli ...... it was a childhood fave ....."

But it was Roald Dahl who gave us the child snatcher. My parents let me watch that when I was like 5, and it was only recently that I realized what movie it was. All I remembered of it was the man who could smell children.

Posted by: Davis at November 1, 2011 3:39 PM

He,This is a great and usefull blog.Keep up the good work.

Posted by: how to seduce a woman at December 26, 2011 9:35 AM