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5 Movie Remakes That I Will Allow to Fart in My General Direction

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | June 19, 2012 | Comments ()


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I think we've long moved beyond being surprised about Hollywood remakes. At this point, unless it's a serious classic, it's hard to get too worked up over them. In fact, there have been a few remakes in recent years that have managed to improve on the original (Fright Night, My Bloody Valentine, True Grit and Karate Kid -- yes, Karate Kid), and it's gotten much easier to think of them as cover songs, reinterpretations with modern actors, maybe even ones you like. We bitch, we complain, and more times than not, we attend. As long as no one touches the true classics, all the fuss is mostly unnecessary. Better a remake than adapting a board game, right?

With that said, there are five upcoming remakes that I find quite intriguing, and here's why:

Carrie -- I don't see anyone topping Brian DePalma's original adaptation of the Stephen King novel, nor anyone besting Sissy Spacek's performance in the lead role, but I like Chloe Moretz. A lot. She's shown an affinity for the dark and violent (Kick-Ass, Let the Right One In, itself a remake) and I think she'd be able to turn in a memorable performance. I also like the approach that Kimberly Pierce (Boys Don't Cry) is taking: She's hewing closer to the source material, and turning it into a Black Swan psycho mindfuck. It won't be a slick and glossy remake dominated by pretty, empty teenagers, either. Julianne Moore and Judy Greer have signed on. Plus, this movie poster (which I believe is fan made) totally sold me on it.

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Evil Dead -- In my book, you don't get much more classic than Evil Dead; the second installment is my favorite horror film of all time and I'm not exactly keen on Diablo Cody messing with the best (Yo! Monistat. Let's Tumble). But, Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are behind the remake, it's sticking to its low-budget origins (Jane Levy is its biggest star), Campbell will have a cameo, it's expected to be "unbelievably violent," and I am curious about how they'll handle a tree-raping scene in 2013. "Is that a ficus, or are you just happy to see m ... Hey! Back off, Mr. Barky."

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Robocop -- Another affectionate favorite of mine, the original Robocop was very much a product of the time, and to be honest, it hasn't held up terrifically. The special effects weren't exactly Dalek-level, but they weren't that much better. The new Robocop looks as though it will be a marked improvement in the acting category, it will amp up the violence even more, and perhaps manage to weave in some of the dark social commentary from the original minus the 80's cheese. The script was good enough to initially attract Darren Aronovsky, so it makes sense that this lights-out cast has signed on: Joel Kinnamon (as Robocop), Gary Oldman, Sam Jackson, and Hugh Laurie as the lead villain.

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Total Recall -- Dont' get me wrong. Paul Verhoeven's original Total Recall was great, but this is another case -- like a lot of Phillip K. Dick stories -- where I feel like the movie could've benefited by waiting a few years for our actual technology to catch up to the imagination of Phillip Dick. I'm looking forward to seeing it done with an actor (Colin Farrell) with actual talent who is not a musclebound monosyllable, and I appreciate that Kate Beckinsale can do things athletically that Sharon Stone could not (also, has a better backside). Len Wiseman makes me trepidatious, but the presence of Bill Nighy and Bryan Cranston certainly helps me to get past it. I wasn't on board originally, but the trailer has helped to sell me on it. It looks cool, and if a sci-fi film can't provide the mind-candy, at least it can give us the eyegasms.

The Great Gatsby -- I guess you don't technically call them remakes when there have already been dozens iterations in film and on stage working from the same source material, and especially when Baz Luhrmann is involved. Luhrmann doesn't remake anything; he makes shit his own. Literally. He could turn his own defecate into a rambunctious, glittering, eye-watering, sound-exploding celebration of poop. If he can do for F. Scott Fitzgerald's classic what he did with La Boheme and Shakespeare, your eyeballs will dance out of their heads and he will leave a whole new generation of filmgoers confused about the hip-hop music of the roaring 1920s.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • stryker1121

    Carrie has a chance to be quite good. The original (speak not of the pseudo-sequel) had De Palma's stamp all over it. The new one has a chance to be unique and Moritz is quite good. The book is seriously creepy (lots of disturbing inner monologue stuff which was vintage early King) so sticking to the source material could pay off.

  • tremenator

    I genuinely thought that the pic of Jane Levy was Emma Stone

  • rachel612

    Dude. Have you ever seen a Baz Lurhman movie that didn't suck entire planets? Yes, this is going to be gigantic poop. Gigantic. I have a toilet for that.

  • Feyd Darkholme

    "In fact, there have been a few remakes in recent years that have managed to improve on the original (Fright Night, My Bloody Valentine, True Grit and Karate Kid — yes, Karate Kid)"

    WHAT?! I was prepared to give the author the benefit of the doubt and maybe agree on some points until I read the above... I do not agree with any one of those remakes "improving" on the original in any way, shape or form. They were for the most part OK movies, but not one of them is better than the original... Insanity.

  • Carrie - damn it, I like Chloe Moretz, too.
    Evil Dead - no.
    Robocop - yes. Put some Hugh Laurie in it and make it better.
    Total Recall - no.
    The Great Gatsby - probably going to mess with it, but I want to see it.

  • i'm not sure why people get so persnickety about remakes. hollywood has always done them as long as there has been film--perhaps not as many as now, but then we have more films than we did 50, 60, 70 years ago. The standard thing to remake was always a classic. it had a proven story that people liked, so you film it again with a new cast, maybe a few tweaks for cultural changes.

    it's no different than plays that are put on over and over (the classics anyway) with new actors, different sets, a director who emphasizes things slightly different

    That said, I find the idea of remaking cult movies really bizarre. no reason, just a reaction.

    i agree that the only thing that would particularly draw me to a carrie remake is moretz. that kid is a powerhouse actor and she isn't even growed up yet. it will be interesting to watch her career.

  • Pat Conolly

    I'm still hoping for a PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE remake. What's the holdup?

  • Green_Eggs_and_Hamster

    I never quite understood the hate for "remakes". To me it is similar to saying they should never have bothered with The Avengers since it was already perfectly done in the original Comic book form. Nothing makes a particular movie or idea "sacred". As has been mentioned before, there are only 4 or 5 stories in the universe anyway, and everything is just a remake of one of them. If you see something, and interests you, watch it. If not, don't. But don't discredit it just because the story has been told once before.

  • psemophile

    I shall give you one reason. One reason. And you'll want to kill for that Robocop remake.
    Jose fucking Padhila.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Next time I see you, remind me to sweep your leg, go ED-209 on your ass and shake my three tits in your face.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    While I am not a huge Baz Luhrmann fan, this version HAS to be better than the "Robert Redford with a '70s hairdo" version.

  • rachel612

    I think you underestimate the Lurhman suck factor.

  • that was a pretty decent film

  • TheOriginalMRod

    I just have a thing about hair. Hair and wardrobe, it should be accurate to the time period.

  • Munuh_Muhnuh

    Ooh! Hadn't seen the trailer for Total Recall. I love cheesy action/sci-fi movies. Can't think of anything better to do on a London summer night (pissing rain and whatnot).

  • Bennetttt

    No, RoboCop still holds up today, and if you somehow believe that it can be made more violent today with the MMA you're kidding yourself. RoboCop is still more direct, and far more entertaining than most all of the Ironman, and Marvel movies combined.

  • Milkman of Doom

    With you Dustin on all of them except Total Recall. That movie is the perfect combo of sci-fi, violence, humor, and unintentional humor. I love British accents but Sharon Stone's backside holds up very well. The new trailer did nothing for me.

    I just watched Robocop and still liked it, but that Hugh Laurie "Bitches Leave" pic turned me. Bring it.

  • Bennetttt

    RoboCop still holds up, and if you somehow believe that it can be made more violent today with the MPAA you're kidding yourself. RoboCop is still more direct, and far more entertaining than most all of the Ironman, and Marvel movies combined.

  • Bennetttt

    The MPAA is mafia of goody goody wholesome entertainment, and the industry knows that if the MPAA rates a movie NC-17 it seriously limits the public showings of the film, which reduces the amount of box office intake. Movies have been far more less offensive than the 80s movies, so I seriously doubt that any newer version could be more violent, unless that is done for the unrated DVD versions.

  • The_Ghost_of_Bo_Crowder

    People get a bit precious about the whole idea of remakes in the movie industry when other entertainment formats tend to embrace the concept. Classic plays are revived and restaged on a regular basis. Songs are sometimes covered by hundreds of different artists, and occasionally both transcend the original by some distance.

    I don't have an issue with the concept as long as something different is brought to the table by those doing the remaking. For example, Gus Van Sant's remake of Psycho = Bad. Coen Bros remake of True Grit = Good.

    Edit - And as I read down I see LA Juice has made much the same point. Doh!

  • Green Lantern

    Uh...I LOVED the original "Total Recall", but that trailer just sold me on the new one. I kinda can't wait.

  • googergieger

    Well I'm sure you've all talked about the Oldboy remake and come to grips with that. So I won't mention it. With that said, Moretz can't act. Well at least not well. Seriously anyone could have done Hitgirl and exploded because of it. She was beyond lost and wooden in the Let The Right One In remake. Kept waiting for a chitty chitty bang bang, govenah! During Hugo. As far as Black Swan goes. That director had a luxury of being obsessed with Satoshi Kon in order to make his movie(s) not suck. So yeah Carrie remake has like nothing at all going for it. Still would rather see that, than an Oldboy remake though.

  • ellcoolj

    In almost every Phillip K Dick movie I feel like the images don't do the story justice, except "A Scanner Darkly"...

  • hapl0

    Chloe Moretz looks too popular to be the bullied when someone more believable like oh, I don't know, Saoirse Ronan is here.

    Was there ever a remake that did better because they switched the sex of the protagonist?

    Can't wait to be "surprised" by Olivia 'Look at me! Look at me! LOOK. AT. ME.' Munn's cameo.

    Sharon Stone's 1990 hiney begs to differ.

    And I can only imagine how pissed off Leo will be when he gets the Oscars for this one without even trying.

  • roadie

    Agree with Sharon Stone. She's literally perfect in that movie!

  • I have to say, that while I traditionally don't go see remakes, I never mind that they get made. Shakespeare still plays over and over again in the park- why should Mr. Myagi be considered more sacred than Lear? (that is probably not the most adept comparison, I know. Stick with me, I'll bring it full circle in a moment.)

    Also I saw the trailer for Total Recall, and even though I am not a Colin Ferrell fan, I was blown away- I will totally go see this re-boot. Sorry Arnold(s)... (both schwarzenegger and Takahashi)

  • Jezzer

    I would find it a lot easier to accept Carrie as a bullying victim if she didn't look like a high fashion model showing off "Head Injury Chic" on the poster.

  • TheReinaG

    Uh, it's definitely a fan made poster. Spacek looked too old in the original, at least the casting is more age-appropriate.

  • Jezzer

    They're still trying to sell me CHLOE MORETZ as a universally-ridiculed bullying victim, and I ain't buying.

  • she is a good actress, why not wait and see what they pull off

  • L.O.V.E.

    Tyler Shields is buying a new handbag and speed dialing her agent as we speak.

  • protoformX

    Btw there is a like 4 hour made for tv carrie that I saw on SciFi back before it became Syfy. The head bitch out to get Carrie was Claire from Lost, and the popular girl that ends up befriending Carrie right before the bucket of blood was Duala from Battlestar Galactica. It was pretty good. If you ever saw the Steven Weber/Rebecca DeMornay version of the Shining, it was on par with that.

  • TWoP Fan

    Fuck The Great Gatsby.

    I'm sorry, that book sucked ass and the movie will suck even more.

    You know what, I'm NOT sorry. I hate that book as much as fucking Terry Tempest Williams, who (whom?) I had to read in college.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    That's the one movie on this list I've got absolutely no desire to see.

  • Guest

    The only one on my must-see list is "Carrie." I admit the others leave me...tepid, whether I love those previous adaptations or not. I'm interested to see how much Pierce will crank the monstrous-feminine trope. Yeehaw.

  • John W

    The cast of Carrie has big shoes to fill, the original cast includes: Sissy Spacek, Piper Laurie (both were nominated for an Academy awards for their roles), Nancy Allen, PJ Soles, John Travolta, William Katt and Amy Irving. Now that's a heck of a cast.

  • the original really was a great movie

  • junierizzle

    Robocop and Total Recall still hold up. And there is no way the remakes will be as violent as the originals.

    Now, I will watch all of these. They are totally unnecessary, but they all look cool.

  • Guest

    I agree, I still find both supremely watchable.

  • John W

    I'm really interested to see what Jane Levy does as the new Ash. Or is it Ashley?

  • AngelenoEwok

    Ladies. In the TV edit for Robocop he says "Ladies. Leave." It makes me giggle.

  • pcloadletter

    "Ladies." So polite!

  • John G.

    Fuck You! I re-watched Robocop a few days ago, and it holds up great. The scene when they blow off Murphy's hand still haunts my dreams, and the commentary on capitalism run amok has never been more relevant.

  • Nadine

    I can't argue with a single thing here. I too am looking forwards to all of these things. Well...maybe, maaaybe the Evil Dead Remake, though the involvement of Raimi and Campbell is interesting enough to make me at least check out the trailer.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Hey, at least they're not messing with "Zorro, the Gay Blade." Because that just CAN'T get any better.

    Otherwise, for most remakes, I think, why bother? And every now and then a decent one comes along to make the case. Honestly, the batting average for remakes probably isn't any worse than for all movies in general.

  • i think remakes are often for the next generation, with actors and settings they are used to.

  • I am actually looking forward to the Carrie remake. I think Moore and Moretz will be really good. And it is nice having a teenager playing Carrie. Spacek was what, 26 or so ?

  • Guest

    Using a teenage girl will make some of the scenes less "interesting".

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Holy crap, you're right! I had no idea she was that old, she really did look like a young girl.

  • we all know sissy spacek is an alien, so the age thing is kind of moot

  • Salad_Is_Murder

    Know her name
    beware her power

    I'm blanking, but there's gotta' be a Green Lantern/menses joke in here somewhere. I'll try again after my meds kick in.

  • Green Lantern

    How *dare* you?

  • Groundloop

    Know her name
    Beware her power
    How terror came
    When bloomed her flower
    Then terribly shamed
    When in the shower
    //something something "ame"
    //something something "ower"
    Psychokinetics gonna Psychokinect

    BOOM!

  • Oy, my goodness...Jane Levy as Ash will be freaking amazing.

    Totally off-topic: the open-id sign in method exploded on my home laptop, anyone know why? Or, is it not an option anymore and my work compy is just terribly out of date?

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