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25 Think Pieces You Were Spared While I Was on Maternity Leave

By Courtney Enlow | Seriously Random Lists | July 30, 2015 |


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HI EVERYONE *waves frantically, fueled by enough caffeine to give an elephant a heart attack, which might be easier than you’d think because elephants don’t typically take in a lot of caffeine so they don’t have a tolerance, I don’t know, did I mention caffeine? What was I saying HI EVERYONE*

I haven’t been around for a while because I was having a new babyfriend. But the world doesn’t stop because I’m reproducing. The world turns forth, and because you fine people are such a big part of my life, I spent a lot of time thinking about all the things I would have liked to talk to you about. Alas, those posts will never be. This is very fortunate for you, probably. Here are just some of the posts you were spared while I was making people.

All the Good Things I Want for Rachel McAdams

OH COOL ANOTHER PIECE QUALIFYING OR COMPLAINING ABOUT AMY SCHUMER’S SUCCESS BECAUSE SHE’S TOO CRASS OR NOT CRASS ENOUGH OR SOMETHING OR SOME SHIT: One Writer Details Her Complete and Total Nervous Breakdown at the Hands of This Nonsense

Why You Ingrates Just Didn’t Goddamn GET that Kristen Wiig/Will Ferrell Lifetime Movie

“OH GOD OH GOD MY ABDOMEN RIPPED OPEN”: 65 More Things to Ensure You Never Reproduce

“Should I Compare Rachel Dolezal to Caitlyn Jenner?”: We Help You Decide (it was just going to be this post again cut and pasted)

The Devil Wears Crop Tops: A Feminist Tries to Reconcile Her Complete and Total Hatred of Taylor Swift with Mad Respect for the Artist’s Business Acumen, but Also Be Fully #TeamNicki

An 800-Word Excuse to Post This GIF

40 Reasons the Kardashians Are the Worst Thing to Ever Happen

40 Reasons the Kardashians Are the Best Thing to Ever Happen

That One Asshole on Food Network Star: Screw that Guy (I cannot overstate the amount of Food Network I watched, people.)

Jeffrey Garten: WHERE DOES HE GO ALL THE TIME? (I cannot overstate the amount of Food Network I watched, people. Also the answer is Yale and a bunch of fancy boards.)

Giada de Laurentiis’s Cleavage: A Non-Objectifying Totally Empowering Celebration (Have I yet managed to convey the amount of Food Network I watched, people?)

Everything Is Void, Everything Is Terrible and Nothing Is OK

EVERYTHING IS GODDAMN AWESOME (these last two would have been posted literally a week apart, the second one after the post-partum meds kicked in)

Something Something True Detective I Don’t Know I Just Want to Be Part of Things

Kylie Jenner and LOOK, SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING BECAUSE DEADLINES AND THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE

More Like LinkedOut, Amirite?: One Writer Details Her Journey Quitting Every Social Media Site for, Like, Three Weeks or Something

Liveblogging Sharknado 3 (that’s not a thinkpiece, just a really missed opportunity to share an inside-of-a-shark-corpse-birth with you guys)

What Taylor Swift Has to Do with the Gawker Implosion (like the Sharknado liveblog, that is actually a post that exists in my head and I would have written but now it’s too late and I’ll just have to wait for the next time Gawker implodes, DAMN YOU, TINY BABY)

DAMN YOU, TINY BABY: One Woman Details Her Past Six Weeks on No Sleep and a Lot of Coffee and Diet Coke and More Coffee and One Time I Got a Frap with Five Shots and I Heard Colors

I FEEL BAD, I’M SORRY, I LOVE YOU TINY BABY: One Woman Details Her Incessant Guilt for that “Damn You, Tiny Baby” Thing

Regrets, I’ve Had a Few: The Five Posts I Most Regret Writing

FUCK YOU GUYS, I REGRET NOTHING

No, Really Though, I Regret So Much (these would have been related to pre-partum moodswings where I veered wildly from crippling self-doubt to self-assured confidence within the span of about four minutes)

The 10 Most Horrible Things I Read on BabyCenter Comment Threads (that one would have been an examination of the shaming culture mothers inflict upon one another but would have mostly been an excuse to post this wide-awake nightmare I found.)

Thankfully, you’ve been spared. I’m happy to be back with you fine people.

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