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2014 Summer Movie Roundup, High School Superlatives Edition

By Rebecca Pahle | Seriously Random Lists | August 14, 2014 | Comments ()


GotG summer movie roundup.jpg

This weekend sees the release of the last of the big summer movies, THe Expendables 3 and Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. After that it’s a bunch of dull shit until awards season kicks into gear (for the most part—can’t forget about Dolphin Tale 2!).

But September being a pit of despair, film-wise, does have the upside of giving our wallets time to recover from the summer movie season. There was good. There was bad. Let’s relive it all with HIGH SCHOOL SUPERLATIVES.

(I was “Most changed,” by the way. What a cop-out. Readers, you get anything?)

MVP
chris evans yearbook.jpg

Class Clown
drax yearbook.jpg
Andy Dwyer, I will love you until the end of my days, but there was a standout in Guardians of the Galaxy, and it wasn’t you. We were expecting your comedy chops.

Most Wasted Potential
lucy yearbook.jpg
Luc Besson made “Scarlett Johansson Kicking Ass: The Movie,” and somehow it still sucked.

Unsung Hero
dofp yearbook.jpg

Most Likely to Succeed
phil lord chris miller yearbook.jpg
In general. At all things.

Worst Dressed
bucky barnes yearbook.jpg

Biggest Bully
httyd2 yearbook.jpg
Fucked up, Dreamworks.

“Wait, they went to school here?”
transcendence yearbook.jpg

Worst Person In the World
michael bay yearbook.jpg

Most Likely to Become An Axe Murderer
me tmnt yearbook.jpg

Disagree with my choices? Take a hike! Or tell me what you’d have picked instead. I am a kind, reasonable person. *eyedart*




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • That last superlative is the greatest thing EVAR. It was worth your trauma to get that.

  • Robert Sanchez III

    I got Best Eyes and I remember it being the weirdest day ever when I had to go take the Yearbook pictures with all the kids who got the other awards which were mostly super peppy ASB members. I thought " Christ, I'm an antisocial fuck."

  • Orleanas

    I was "Teachers' Pet" and "Most Likely To Become a Critic." I was/am proud of both.

  • Idle Primate

    I thought Lucy was a gorgeously filmed, whimsical fantasy with some stoner level philosophical fluff for stoners and kids. he thought about an ages old myth(that everyone knows is a myth and doesn't mix up with science) and combined it with eurotrash thrillers and took it on a magic carpet ride.

    What were audiences expecting from Luc Besson? He's even been quoted in the past lamenting audience's obsessions with science and gritty reality to the point of rejecting imagination and fantasy in films. In his last big sci-fi, which folk seem to remember fondly we were saved from the ultimate holocaust by the love between a taxi driver and a space nymph.

    Imagination, even loopy, maybe especially loopy is a good thing. make your own list of science fiction movies that fed audience imagination without ever brushing up against science. An NRA raccoon who dates a tree is fine, but a metaphysical cosmology about the human mind, fagehdaboudit.

  • An NRA raccoon who dates a tree is fine, but a metaphysical cosmology about the human mind, fagehdaboudit.

    It is easier to accept a NRA raccoon in a spaceship because it is WAY more out there, and there was at least an attempt to make him relatable. Lucy proceeded to become more and more callous and inhuman, so there was no emotional tether to carry some people though the nonsense. Hell, even Fifth Element managed to make Leeloo, a centuries old weapon against a galactic evil that happened to be a hot Milla Jovovich* into the most endearing and sympathetic character in it. And that had galactic space evil and rocks that control the FOUR elements, if you want to talk myths. You can have your crazy out there fantasy, but you have to have some kind of grounding mechanism for people to hold on to, otherwise it is just rambling and "wouldn't it be cool if...."

    Also, if Besson wanted it to be this wild, imaginative, not tethered by science ride, why make such a big deal about the "myth"? Why ground it in the real life world of drug smuggling? Why have ostensible scientist character go on about this as if it was some unproven theory, unlike the completely disproven nonsense it really is? Nah, Besson tried to have his cake and eat it too. Some folks may be able to just focus on the pretty parts, but others like me are gonna need more substance.

    *kinda redundant, I know

  • Billybob

    So, yeah, The Winter Soldier is basically about the fact that an emo kid's tortured past will make him just as tough as the big blond jock.

  • Best CGI Flora and/or Fauna: Caesar from Planet of the Apes. Better luck next time Groot, Rocket and Channing Tatum.

  • amonkeyaday

    From a fucking book they find? Yup, apparently I am sticking with my decision to not see the movie...

  • Pants-are-a-must

    But I agree with you about Drax. Who would've thought Dave Batista would be so great.

  • Rophiandis

    I continue to be surprised that I'm surprised when professional wrestlers turn out to be decent actors. In fairness, they've technically been professional actors for a while already.

  • Anybody who'd followed him in WWE. Around here, that's mostly just me and WrestlingFan.

  • Ryan Ambrose

    I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard at such a simple insult like "you're an imbecile", but the way he spoke it made that brief scene the most hysterical moment of 2014 for me.

    I can easily see this guy becoming even more charismatic and successful than Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in a few years.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    "OMG YAY We Don't Have To Look At His Douchy Face!"

    Bradley Cooper as Rocket Raccoon

  • emmalita

    Way better as a raccoon than an emu.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Bigger range of expression.

  • Legally Insignificant

    I got Most Unique. I wore a a button-down shirt and khakis from The Gap, while the girl who won wore a Slipknot jumpsuit. One of us was clearly trying too hard, who it was I'm not sure. Most Unique seems very euphemistic.

    Solid list, btw.

  • BendinIntheWind

    MY HEART OW MY HEART WHY DID YOU HAVE TO REMIND ME OF HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2?!

    Also I love this post and hope it becomes a yearly feature.

    ALSO also, it is my contractually obligated duty to respond thusly in any Chris Evans post: with DAT ASS!

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/tum...

  • Mythra Sun

    Upvotes forever for the CAP ASS(!!!) gif. It's a thing of beauty!

    Thank you Joss Whedon for your awe inspiring and (happy) tear inducing direction

    Love,

    All Women

  • I'm having a hell of a time focusing on anything today - between all the horrible news this week, and all the stuff I'm supposed to be doing at work - so for the last three minutes I've been staring at this gif. And I might just keep staring until it's quitting time. It's been that kind of week, ya know?

  • emmalita

    And to go with DAT ASS, DOSE EYES!

    Edit - no idea why the picture posted twice. I guess DISQUS loves his face too.

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