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2013 Year in Film: 25 Random Awards for the Year that Was

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | December 30, 2013 | Comments ()


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The Award for the Least Amount of Screen Time for a Title Character: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.

The Franchise Resurrection Award: Iron Man 3, for bouncing back after the dismal Iron Man 2 with new director, Shane Black.

The Backlash Of the Year Award: The Man of Steel, which was initially received modestly, but quickly crumbled under the weight of a million think pieces, mostly about how Henry Cavill’s Superman didn’t square with the character’s historical mythology.

The Annual Underwhelming Pixar Sequel Award: Monsters University, which kept alive a trend of disappointing Pixar sequels since its purchase by Disney.

The Most Unfairly Maligned Movie By People Who Didn’t See It Award: The Croods, which was actually pretty great, received nice scores from critics, and was well liked by many kids (and their parents), and had the rare distinction of being an original property, but that got dismissed because of schlocky marketing and a bias against non-Pixar animated fare.

The ‘That Could’ve Been A Lot Worse’ Award: World War Z, which despite reshoots, an easy-to-mock ad campaign, and negative buzz, was actually pretty OK for a movie for which we had low expectations.

The Squandering of Melissa McCarthy Award: Identity Thief, which was terrible, and only made slightly less so by McCarthy. She deserves to be in better movies.

The Better But Not Quite Deserving of Melissa McCarthy Award: The Heat, which was intermittently funny thanks almost entirely to McCarthy, who made her co-star, Sandra Bullock, damn near an afterthought.

The F**k It, If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em Award: Fast and Furious 6. Either the franchise has steadily gotten better, or critics and other audience members have finally pulled the stick out of their asses and let the stupidity wash over them.

The More Fun, and More Dumb than Fast and Furious Award: Pacific Rim, which was basically two kids with $200 million playing with robots in the bathtub, only the dialogue was worse.

The ‘That Wasn’t As Scary As I Thought It’d Be’ Award: The Conjuring, which was a fine horror movie, but hardly deserving of the highest grossing horror movie of the year.

The Terrible Movie That Got A Lot of Talented Actors Paid Award: The Lone Ranger and Grown Ups 2 (tie). Both were awful movies, but between them, Chris Rock, Maria Bello, Maya Rudolph, Salma Hayek, Steve Buscemi, William Fichtner, Ruth Wilson, James Badge Dale, W. Earl Brown, and Stephen Root saw bigger paychecks than they typically receive for five or 10 movies or their roles, combined.

The Mildly Amusing But Completely Forgettable Superhero Movie Award: The Wolverine and Thor: The Dark World. Both were fine enough movies, but between them, the only thing anyone remembers is Tom Hiddleston.

The Promotion Was Better Than the Movie Award: Anchorman 2, which featured Ron Burgundy in local newscast, on ESPN, singing with Christopher Cross, and 70 Dodge Durango commercials, which boosted sales of the automobile by 59 percent. (The Jennifer Lawrence talk show tour comes in a close second, losing out only because the two movies she was promoting — American Hustle and Catching Fire — were actually very good).

The Great Movie That Was Immediately Dismissed Because of Its Subject Material Award: Ron Howard’s Rush, which featured great performances, an unbelievable inspired-by-a-true-story screenplay, and Chris Hemsworth, yet was forgotten the weekend after it was released because it was about race cars.

The Stop Trying to Make Twilight Happen Again Award: Mortal Instruments, Beautiful Creatures and The Host. Three movies based on popular YA novels (one of which was written by Stephene Meyers), and three huge box-office disappointments.

The Most Discussed 2013 Release Watched on NetflixBlackfish, the documentary that explores the dangers to both humans and the orcas of keeping them in captivity, and the increasing popularity of the movie on Netflix must be putting the fear of God into SeaWorld.

The 2013 Release Most Likely To Gain the Acclaim It Deserves on DVDPrisoners, the Hugh Jackman/Jake Gyllenhaal movie that was too dark for theaters, but will likely deliver a lot of gut punches on DVD in the year to come.

The Movie That Never Quite Turned the Corner From So Bad to So-Bad-It’s-GoodHansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

The Most Disappointing Sequel of the YearKick Ass 2.

The Most Unnecessary Remake of the YearCarrie

The 80s Really Are Dead Award: Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, who couldn’t do it alone (Stallone’s Bullet to the Head made only $9 million, while Arnie’s The Last Stand made only $12 million) or together, when their co-headlining The Escape Plan only managed $24 million.

The Quiet Fading of a Career Award — The once reliable Jason Statham, who could generate around $30 to $40 million in box office twice a year just by doing the same thing over and over finally wore out his welcome with Parker ($17 million), Redemption ($36,000) and Homefront ($20 million).

The James Franco Award for the Most Bizarrely Diverse Movie Choices — James Franco, for The Wizard of Oz in Oz the Great and Powerful, for playing a white, grill-wearing gangsta in Spring Breakers, for playing himself in This is the End, for playing a white trash shitkicker in Homefront, for writing, directing, and starring in Sal, for playing Hugh Hefner in Lovelace and for playing Darl Bundren in As I Lay Dying, while still having enough time to show up on The Mindy Project and get roasted on Comedy Central.

Cameo of the Year — (tie) Ed Harris as the voice in mission control in Gravity and Bruce Campbell, delivering his trademark “Groovy” in the tag for the Evil Dead remake.




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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • AudioSuede

    Can we add an award for most necessary remake? Because if so, Evil Dead. I know a lot of people have high regard for the original, and we all love Bruce Campbell, but one thing the original wasn't was scary. Another thing it wasn't? Well-made. Or well-acted. Or well-directed. It was really a piece of crap that people thought was meant to be campy funny but which was made to be deadly serious. Sam Raimi launched an entire career by playing that movie off as a comedy when it clearly wasn't.

    The remake, however, is everything the original wasn't and then some. Okay, maybe the script and the acting still aren't above bar, but was it scary? Ab-so-lutely. And well directed. And well made. It didn't need to be "so bad it's good" because in the end, it was just plain good.

  • Mrs. Julien

    OMGHISGL. Phew. I know I feel better.

  • BWeaves

    Cameo of the Year: Stephen Colbert in The Hobbit?

  • Maddy

    I really don't get the Henry Cavill obsession, he's pretty to look at but he is such a charisma vacuum. Man of Steel is the only thing I saw him in though, and even Amy Adams couldn't save that trainwreck.

  • Maddy

    I really liked Monsters University, but maybe I have lowered expectations for Pixar nowadays. I really want to see Rush even though I have no interest in car racing.

  • e jerry powell

    Carrie gets bonus points for being the second unnecessary remake of the same property, a property already besmirched by an even more unnecessary (and thoroughly bad) sequel.

  • Davis

    Chris rock and Maya Rudolph are not great actors especially Chris Rock so them starring in grown ups 2 isn't surprising.

    Catching fire and American Fire were mediocre at best

  • AudioSuede

    Everything you just said is wrong and I should ask you to leave.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • Davis

    Wrong how? Please explain how my own opinion is wrong?

  • Cameo of the Year should really be a battle between the Thor 2 cameo and Channing Tatum in This is the End.

  • Captain_Tuttle

    I only just saw This is the End the other day. I actually guffawed at the Tater reveal. He was brilliant.

  • TimeTravelMan

    Where the hell is Danny McBride's Greatest Entrance in a film Award for This is the End????

  • AudioSuede

    And I'm sorry, best cameo doesn't go to Channing Tatum?

  • JustOP

    Never understood the backlash against The Lone Ranger - I watched it, thought it was in the same ballpark as The Pirates of the Carabean movies (the first few). Just seemed like a good time movie that was harshly judged.

  • Stu Rat

    Totally with you on this one.
    I went to see it, mostly for the air-conditioning, despite the horrible buzz. And waited for it to get bad. And waited. Sure they could have dropped the frame story. And there was a horrible CGI moment with Silver jumping off the barn, but I enjoyed it as much as the cool, cool air...

  • Fabius_Maximus

    The frame story was what made it good, because there is an ambivalence about what Tonto told the boy was real, a tale or even if Tonto was real and not only an incarnation of Crow.

    The slapstick parts were bad and it is way too long.

  • Quatermain

    - 'World War Z' could also be a strong contender for "The Most Unfairly Maligned Movie By People Who Didn’t See It Award." Outside of 'The Hobbit' or possibly 'Ender's Game' I don't think anything else spawned quite as much nerd rage.

    As for 'Rush' I think that the problem wasn't that it was about race cars, but that it was was about Formula One, which no-one in America really gives a rat's ass about. If it had been about NASCAR, it probably would have done alright.

  • manting

    You are 100% correct about the Formula One - NASCAR point. Dead on dude.

  • Quatermain

    The Internet has completely ruined my ability to know whether this is sarcasm or not.

  • manting

    I was being sincere.

  • John G.

    the increasing popularity of the movie on Netflix must be putting the fear of God into SeaWorld.

    I've seen Blackfish and the people at SeaWorld should have the fear of God already, since they are pure evil.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Blackfish? That's a misleading title. It's not about Brynden Tully and Orcas are not fish.

  • Sirilicious

    So you either didn't see it or weren't paying attention. I recommend you see it (again).

  • John W

    Must see Blackfish.

  • Sirilicious

    Yes.

  • Jim

    Can we rename "The 80's Really Are Dead Award" to "Hell is Full and Now We're Stuck with This Award" please?

    Let's not forget James Franco also directed "Interior: Leather Bar" (but maybe you meant acting only?)

    Finally, in response to those backlash meanies, let's just look at Henry for a few minutes. Because sometimes eyelash is better than backlash.

    http://24.media.tumblr.com/571...

  • Lord Jeebus, he is so pretty.

  • Maguita NYC

    And luscious manfur is always better than almost everything.

  • bastich

    Who the blazes would downvote luscious manfur?!?

  • Jim

    The same one who downvoted those hypnotic batting eyes that you ... could ... lose ... yourself ... in.

  • Maguita NYC

    A sufferer of Chaetophobia. And I've got just the remedy for it!

  • Jim

    Indeed it is. "Le sigh"

  • Maguita NYC

    He's also prettier in movement. Some actors just don't photograph well, but they look better in full action (eyebrow wiggle).

  • Jim

    Oh and if all your briefs and panties just fell to the floor, I'm sorry.

  • BlackRabbit

    So you tripped me while I was carrying laundry? Jerk.

  • Jim

    Likely your feet got tangled - I can't recommend trying to walk while looking at Henry.

  • BlackRabbit

    Curse you Google Glasses!

  • llp

    Where is Mrs. Julien? I am going to steal her share of the Cavill if she doesn't get here soon.

  • Mrs. Julien

    OMGHISGL!

  • Laura

    That's OK, I GUESS. Geez, some people are at work you know!

  • Jose

    you're forgiven.

  • Sirilicious

    I knew nothing about the croods, besides its IMDB score when i got it & then watched it. I really really liked it. Very smart and funny gags and you root for the whole family. Target audience wise, i am 39 with no kids.

    I am planning on watching Rush this week. I've seen it on quite a few "x of 2013" lists.

  • AudioSuede

    Rush is amazing. I don't like racing, and I didn't know the story, but the performances are so moving, and the racing scenes are more thrilling than any that I've ever seen on film. The only problem I have is that it goes on about five minutes too long, very much like the ending of Lincoln where it kind of cheeses on itself and spoils the finale. Still, very good movie.

  • mograph

    Rush? Good story, well-told.

  • Maguita NYC

    Loved Rush! But then again, I've been an F1 fan for over a decade and found the movie very engrossing with breathtaking race scenes.

    Also, being a fan I was very saddened to hear about Michael Schumacher yesterday...

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/for...

  • Sirilicious

    I am not much for race and/or chase scenes, but i hear lots of good things about performances and story, like from mograph.

    Years ago i dated a guy for a few months that was into F1 (my sister is too), he loved it so much he even had a CD with F1 sounds. O_o
    I was in Valencia once during F1, that shit is LOUD.

    Schumacher's injuries are horrible, especially considering him quitting racing and then this happening while skiing. With a helmet.

  • Maguita NYC

    People who are not fans of racing raved about surprisingly captivating scenes and very good photography. You really should watch it over the Holidays.

    Also F1 fans are rabbid. Once you get into the sport, or godtopus forbid, become a faithful follower of one specific team, you are doomed for life! Not only do you expect everyone to wake-up with you early every Sunday morning to watch the race, but Saturday try-outs are sacred as well planning life around it.

  • Sirilicious

    My sister's lucky that her husband feels the same way, because i do recognise that planning-the-weekend bit. :) They aren't too bad about it tho, she does go on city trips with me over the weekend.

    My sister used to do something like fantasy football but for F1 online, where you pick your own driver and such. But that's probably not news to you, unless it was a dutch site.

  • Jose

    Statham seems to be doing better when he's a supporting actor instead of the lead.

    I assume he'll bounce back since he's the villain in the upcoming Fast & Furious sequel.

    And Evil dead for best cameo? Seriously? So underwhelming.

  • Jim

    I this "supporting" leans better to his talents. He's not the strongest of actors but he does have a nice sense of comedy. (Or maybe he needs a strong director to pull it out of him.)

  • manting

    He needs to ditch the action hero bullshit and get back with Guy Ritchie where he belongs

  • Siege

    Amen.

  • laylaness

    Is this "Redemption ($36,000)" a typo? Because if not, I'm doing the Peter-Griffin-hurting-himself breathing thing.

  • TimeTravelMan

    It barely got a release anywhere which is a shame since it is one of his better movies.

  • I think it went by another name in the UK. I watched it a month or so back and the featurettes referenced another name.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    It's "Hummingbird", and it's not a bad movie.

  • SamuraiShampoo

    I don't get what makes people think that Iron Man 3 was so much better than the second movie. They were both pretty terrible.

  • AudioSuede

    What I loved about IM3 was that it was basically the movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang but with a little kid in the RDJ role and RDJ in the Val Kilmer role, and then a bunch of superhero stuff in place of the murder mystery. Which is to say: It's the funniest and most entertaining superhero movie I've ever seen. When that guard held up his hands and said, "I give up, these people are so weird," I laughed for a solid three minutes. Adoration is what I have for that movie.

  • Pitry

    i think I actually enjoyed IM3 less than 2. But that could have been the result of hearing that IM2 is terrible and then realising it's about the same as the first, while hearing that IM3 is great... and then realising it's about the same as the first.

  • mats19

    It's better if you compare the last half hours of each respectable film... so to me if you look at that the 3rd holds up with better action (all those bots just blowing shit uppppp), and a better asskicking (come on even with my hate for GP I still loved seeing her kick some ass) versus fuckin octo electro arms and his douchey robots... other than that neither really "captured" the magic of the first for sure.

  • yes, but to DO that, I have to sit through the final half hour of each, and that's where your plan falls apart.

    I'm with you on Goop3 being an improvement over Goop2, but you know what's an improvement over both of them? A chimp filling its diaper and screaming over all of her lines..

  • Jose

    I completely forgot that one even came out.

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