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20 Lessons Hollywood Can Learn from the 2012 Summer Movie Season

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | September 11, 2012 | Comments ()


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1. Hold the Avengers Until the END of the Summer, So Everything Else Doesn't Feel Like a Letdown

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2. Hollywood Should File an Restraining Order to Ensure that Johnny Depp and Tim Burton Are Kept at Least, 1,000 Feet Apart At All Times

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3. On the other hand, I would not object if Tim Burton replaced Helena Bonham Carter with Eva Green in all subsequent Tim Burton productions

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4. Stop Using Taylor Kitsch's Awful Acting As a Scapegoat for Terribly Written and Executed Movies

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5. Give Sacha Baron Cohen a Monthly Segment on The Daily Show So He Can Work on New Characters Before He Takes Another Stab at Feature Films

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6. Don't Wait Ten Years Between Installments in a Franchise; Better Yet, Wipe Our Memory of the Awful Second Movie Before You Make a Third

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7. Cast Maggie Smith as the Racist and/or Classist Villain In Your Next Superhero Movie

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8. If You're Going to Cast Chris Hemsworth in a Re-Imagined Fairy Tale, Next Time Call it Snow White and the Shirtless Huntsman

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9. Don't Make Movies that Make No F**king Sense and Then Try to Convince the Audience There Were Was Some Profound Secret Meaning Buried Beneath the Incoherence

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10. Audiences Have No Problem Believing Tom Cruise as a Vampire or an Action Hero Who Will Swing from the Tallest Building in the World, But Never Try to Convince Us that He's a Heterosexual Rock God

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11. Stop Letting Adam Sandler Make Movies with His Friends

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12. Don't Reduce Monumentally Important Historic Figures to Axe-Wielding Second-Rate Wachowski Characters

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13. Never Underestimate the Box Office Power of the Female Libido

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14. Don't Say "Reboot" When You Mean "Remake"

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15. Stop Letting Len Wiseman Touch Things

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16. Joseph Gordon-Levitt Is Amazing, But He's Still Not Ready to Carry His Own Summer Blockbuster

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17. Old People Should Be Visiting Other Countries, Not Blowing Them Up

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18. Jeremy Renner is Awesome, But Not Awesome Enough to Make You Forget About Matt Damon

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19. Two Wrongs Does Not Make a Right

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20. All Your Best Intentions, Your Best Ideas, Your Best Performances, and Your Best Screenplays Go Completely Out the Door When a Crazy Guy with a Gun Gets Involved

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But It's Appreciated When You Try and Make the Best of a Bad Situation

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • TheOriginalMRod

    It seems like I remember hearing about Premium Rush being filmed like... i don't know 3 or 4 years ago. Apparently we are not the only people trying to figure out why now was the right time to release it. Still love some JGL... but no I am not interested in see the movie.

  • mudywaters

    Taylor Kitsch is NOT a bad actor...okay maybe he is, but we'll always have Texas forever.

  • Strand

    Poor poor Taylor Kitsch. After FNL, the world was his oyster and everyone wanted a piece of the him. Several back-to-back blockbusters couldn't turn his generic handsomeness into box office success. Honestly, can't see him getting any leading man roles now but I'm sure he's made enough from Battleship alone to live 10 lifetimes.

  • winged chorus

    #21. Oldman in everything

  • winged chorus

    Everything

  • #4: Stop blaming Taylor Kitsch for the bad marketing of the quite good John Carter.

  • Quanion

    Very true. Also: his acting is not awful.

  • Amen.

  • yup

  • The Other Agent Johnson

    Ehhhhh... I'll allow it. But let's be honest with ourselves: John Carter was OK. Fun, but it's not exactly memorable. But you are correct in that the film's tanking was in no way Kitsch's fault.

  • Nachiket

    TDKR wasnt a let down.Im sure many here would agree with me.
    Avengers was one hell of a movie though.Thoroughly entertaining.

    & wait for Looper before coming to any conclusion about JGL.

  • let down is an understatement for TDKR.

  • junierizzle

    How about releasing stuff like The Master, Cloud Atlas or Lincoln in the Summer as an alternative. I know they release those in the fall for a better chance at awards but if its really good people will remember. People remembered Slum Dog Millionaire.

  • BiblioGlow

    I really can't explain how much the PENIS! VAGINA! pics are making me laugh. I haven't seen the movie, so I now imagine it contains the most enthusiastic, obscene game of peek-a-boo ever.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Oddly, enough, the first pic reminds me more of a vulva* than a penis. (Not counting the knobby part, of course.)

    *Learn the correct terms, people.**

    **Not that I'm an expert.

  • 21. More cowbell.

    I wonder if a movie could be made about the collective schadenfreude of the summer movie season failures. We all know who would star in it:

    Bale as Cruise miscast due to ego and greed
    Oldman as whoever he wants to be, as feeble throwaway to integrity
    Eva Green as Beckinsale wasted by her shit director husband (think about it - we'd finally get Beckinsale nudity, indirectly)
    Maggie Smith and shirtless Hemsworth doing formula RomCom - think of the lines, people!
    Charlize and Fassbender in a sex thriller without sex
    Elba and Gina Torres as cops, partners and lovers - could that happen?

  • e jerry powell

    No, Dustin, it's "Stop Letting Adam Sandler Make Movies." Full stop.

  • ellcoolj

    I thought that Abe Lincoln kiick ass with that axe!

  • Quatermain

    I'm surprised that a movie about bike messengers made 16 million dollars. Were people's air-conditioners out or something?

  • dahlia6

    My air conditioner could have been out, and you could have set me on fire, and I still wouldn't have gone.

  • Jezzer

    I would have gone if you had promised me it was about assholes on fixie bikes getting mown down in the streets.

  • apsutter

    I disagree with JGL not being able to carry his own movie. The problem was that "Premium Rush" looked stupid as hell from the get go. It seemed like a movie he signed on to make like 3 years ago before he got involved in all the awesome stuff he's making now. Plus "Looper" is next for him and that is probably going to be awesome.

  • Premium Rush had been in the can for a while. The studio was just waiting for an opportunity to release it that might boost its profit making chances. That opportunity was after The Dark Knight Rises.

    In other words, he did make it a while ago. It just wasn't released.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Joseph Gordon-Levitt is ready to lead a summer blockbuster. He just needs that blockbuster to be more about Nightwing and less about assholes disregarding traffic laws in Manhattan like it's their god-given birthright.

  • celery

    YESYESYES.

  • Natallica

    This!

  • e jerry powell

    Double this.

    Or he could be a superhero male escort in a hybrid action movie/sequel to Mysterious Skin.

  • Wormer

    When is this happening?

  • I'd so watch that...

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Between Tom Cruise's bland summer and Vanity Fair taking on Scientology like Brienne of motherfucking Tarth, I see an empire crashing, and thus cannot wait for The Master.

  • 21. SHIRTLESS CHRIS HEMSWORTH IN EVERYTHING.*

    *You broke my heart, Avengers.**

    **Not really, but still. You could've been PERFECT instead of NEARLY PERFECT.

  • BobbFrapples

    Lovely wrap up. Now, bring on the Looper.

  • Ted

    Really enjoyed this until I got to the bummer ending.

  • DangerZone

    ...is that Spiderman gif from the porn parody?

  • Sean

    yes

  • Yeah, the firearm pointing at Cruise's crotch is clearly a more attractive prospect to him than a creeping female hand.

  • ERM

    What movie is number 9 referring to?

  • TheAggroCraig

    Prometheus

  • fracas

    Prometheus

  • ERM

    Thanks!

  • Natallica

    The "finish with this already" look on Tom Cruise's face is as evident as those gun tattos are stupid. And talking abot shirtless Hemsworth, a "Shirtless Avengers" movie would please both women and men and, maybe, finally bring peace to this world

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Only if in Chris Evans' case, pants are no-go either.

    And yes, this is the exception to my name.

  • Natallica

    He certainly has experience in the bare bottom field:
    http://papelpop.com/papelpop/w...

  • e jerry powell

    So, so tasty.

  • AGREED. Also, he's a Norse god! Why does he even need a shirt?! That's just silly, people. Just silly.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Because it freaking cold in the north, that's why.

  • fracas

    But Lestat was a Rock God!

    But not very heterosexual. Nevermind.

  • e jerry powell

    Uh-huh.

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