Old School. Biblically Independent.
By Dustin Rowles | Lists | September 11, 2012
1. Hold the Avengers Until the END of the Summer, So Everything Else Doesn’t Feel Like a Letdown
2. Hollywood Should File an Restraining Order to Ensure that Johnny Depp and Tim Burton Are Kept at Least, 1,000 Feet Apart At All Times
3. On the other hand, I would not object if Tim Burton replaced Helena Bonham Carter with Eva Green in all subsequent Tim Burton productions
4. Stop Using Taylor Kitsch’s Awful Acting As a Scapegoat for Terribly Written and Executed Movies
5. Give Sacha Baron Cohen a Monthly Segment on The Daily Show So He Can Work on New Characters Before He Takes Another Stab at Feature Films
6. Don’t Wait Ten Years Between Installments in a Franchise; Better Yet, Wipe Our Memory of the Awful Second Movie Before You Make a Third
7. Cast Maggie Smith as the Racist and/or Classist Villain In Your Next Superhero Movie
8. If You’re Going to Cast Chris Hemsworth in a Re-Imagined Fairy Tale, Next Time Call it Snow White and the Shirtless Huntsman
9. Don’t Make Movies that Make No F**king Sense and Then Try to Convince the Audience There Were Was Some Profound Secret Meaning Buried Beneath the Incoherence
10. Audiences Have No Problem Believing Tom Cruise as a Vampire or an Action Hero Who Will Swing from the Tallest Building in the World, But Never Try to Convince Us that He’s a Heterosexual Rock God
11. Stop Letting Adam Sandler Make Movies with His Friends
12. Don’t Reduce Monumentally Important Historic Figures to Axe-Wielding Second-Rate Wachowski Characters
13. Never Underestimate the Box Office Power of the Female Libido
14. Don’t Say “Reboot” When You Mean “Remake”
15. Stop Letting Len Wiseman Touch Things
16. Joseph Gordon-Levitt Is Amazing, But He’s Still Not Ready to Carry His Own Summer Blockbuster
17. Old People Should Be Visiting Other Countries, Not Blowing Them Up
18. Jeremy Renner is Awesome, But Not Awesome Enough to Make You Forget About Matt Damon
19. Two Wrongs Does Not Make a Right
20. All Your Best Intentions, Your Best Ideas, Your Best Performances, and Your Best Screenplays Go Completely Out the Door When a Crazy Guy with a Gun Gets Involved
But It’s Appreciated When You Try and Make the Best of a Bad Situation
