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12 Celebrities More Deserving of Their Own Cults Than Andrew Keegan

By Vivian Kane | Seriously Random Lists | August 18, 2014 | Comments ()


The news that Andrew Keegan has started his own religion (Doucheology, I believe) isn’t exactly surprising. Los Angeles is basically the epicenter of buffet-style spirituality. And if we’re being honest, there are plenty of celebrities who, if we heard they’d started their own cult, would pique our interest. Andrew Keegan (of Joey Donner fame and, umm… what else? Camp Nowhere? Sure, let’s go with that) just isn’t one of them. Here are a few who could at least get us to visit their commune, maybe take a tiny sip of the Kool-Aid, just to try it out.

1. Kristen Bell and the Church of the Five-Foot Woman
Where the tiny rule all. With regular appearances by First Apostle Anna Kendrick.

2. Christ Pratt’s Abdominologists
Thumbnail image for chris-pratt-absagain.png
Beer is banned in this church, but enlightenment comes in the form of amazing abs.

3. Nick Offerman’s Pyramid of Greatness
A perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement.

4. Matthew McConaughey’s Great McConaughssance Devotion
Dedicated to the career comeback. Services are comprised mostly of drunken ramblings on the nature of time, the darkness of humanity, and achieving happiness through shirt removal.

5. Joss Whedonverse Worship
Expand your consciousness beyond this word. Beyond our universe. Embrace the Whedonverse in all its glory.

6. Joe Swanberg’s Church of Improvised Charm
If there were a cult that could teach me to be as charming as the cast of Drinking Buddies, I would happily join it. Plus, I imagine services would involve a lot of beer.

7. Tatiana Maslany and the Church of Five Women
Eventually someone has to recognize her abilities as some sort of divine power, right?

8. Joaquin Phoenix’s Church of the, you guessed it, Phoenix
There is no celebrity-turned-cult leader would be less surprising than Joaquin Phoenix. For maximum cult potential he may revert back to using the name “Leaf.”

9. Uzo Aduba’s First Litchfield Church of Crazed Eyes
Services alternate between Shakespearean recitations and self-flagellation. Unique hairstyles accepted in lieu of donations.

10. Jonathan Taylor Thomas and the House of Tiger Beat
If we’re going to practice in the “church” of a 90s heartthrob, it’s going to be the One Supreme Leader. Thou shalt worship no false teen idols.

11. Vin Diesel’s Church of Groot
He is Groot. We are Groot. Praise be, for yea! He is risen, in the form of an adorable dancing baby Groot.

12. Christina Hendricks and Her Church of Remarkable Attributes
Tell me you wouldn’t join any group she was the leader of.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Ricky, Bubbles & Julian

    Is the Christina church one of those abusive cults where the cult leader, Christina, physically ravages her followers whenever she wants??? Sign me up

  • Whedonism is practically a religion, and it comes with a big set of super annoying fans who think he can do no wrong and keep showing up at your house waving copies of Firefly around and screaming "IT'S ONLY SEVENTEEN EPISODES I SWEAR THEY'RE GREAT WATCH THEM JOIN US WATCH THEM JOIN US" and they won't go away no matter how many times you tell them you're not interested and then they cry, but not from rejection but because the show was canceled too soon. Their gospel is full of annoying one-liners that all sound like they were spoken by the same person.

  • Debra Kessing

    I believe that SMG should be leader of the 5' woman cult. Because Buffy. And she wouldn't be in JWW because .. reasons.
    If multitasking was an option I could definitely worship at the MMc Devotion on my day off from the Whedonverse.. That photo would be my explanation :D

  • Zirza

    Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch already have their own cult. It's called Tumblr.

    Stay away from the cyanide, kids!

  • Berry

    I adore Kristen Bell, but her religion would probably have no use for a 5'11 giant. Except as a lowly worshiper. I could work with that.

  • I'd totally join a cult based on the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.

  • e jerry powell

    Fuck JTT, let's worship that puppy.

  • foolsage

    I'm going to politely decline both suggestions.

  • e jerry powell

    The puppy is most deserving of your worship.

  • stella

    Mark Pelligrino is awsome too..so is Connie Britton.

  • Jezzer

    You misspelled "smarm" on #6.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Not Order of the Joaquin Phoenix?

  • Billybob

    I used to think I should join the Church of Sean Connery, because all the whisky and fistfights appealed to me, but then I found out about the misogyny and tax avoidance and converted to Craigism.

  • I dunno, the tax avoidance was just another selling point to me.

  • manting

    Phoenix actually grew up in a cult. His parents moved the whole family to Honduras or something. Heard his interview on NPR - the guy is the worst person ever to interview - total dick.

  • Harold HIll

    I worship at the altar of Vivian Kane and her Church of Delicious Internet Pictures and GIFs.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    "Expand your consciousness beyond this word. Beyond our universe. Embrace the Whedonverse in all its glory."

    You missed "While your messiah kills the people that you love".

  • Just like God!

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Member in good standing (i.e. crying her eyes our and cursing our Good Lord's name) since 1997.

  • John W

    Praise be the Five.

    In the name of the Five.

    By the Five!

    Yeah that has a certain ring to it.

  • Just don't mention the neck bearded sixth

  • I don't think Chris Pratt should get his owPRAISE HIM

  • CommaFred

    I think I already belong to the Joss Whedonverse Worship.

  • Debra Kessing

    lifetime membership fully paid up here. There is a badge in my house somewhere that says 'Joss Whedon is my god now'. One of my kids bought it for me in .. 1999 maybe.

  • idiosynchronic

    Or are we all picking denominations, like Methodists, Catholics, or Sunnis? Because I'm pretty sure I'd have to be a Universalist.

  • idiosynchronic

    HAre! Hare Krishna!

    I've pricked my finger, where do I sign?!

    What, I can't sign 7??!

  • Allijo


  • emmalita

    Tilda already has her own cult. We don't speak of it.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I believe we are legally required to call her SWINTON. I learned this from the Fug Girls.

  • emmalita

    She is the SWINTON, and there shall be no SWINTON but the SWINTON.

  • Billybob

    Shh. You're not supposed to tell people.

  • mograph

    First rule.

  • BWeaves

    I'd worship in the TARDIS. It has cloisters.

  • jthomas666

    and possibly a swimming pool.

  • foolsage

    The swimming pool definitely exist(s/ed). It's been referred to multiple times starting with the Fourth Doctor and as recently as the Eleventh. There's also a wardrobe, a zoo, a botanical garden, a cricket pitch, a garage, a library, a sick bay, a drawing room, a gymnasium, and at least six squash courts (as the Eleventh Doctor deleted squash court seven). Plus there's the Zero Room and the Cloister Room, and of course the Control Room, which we see most often.

  • BlackRabbit

    And didn't someone go wandering there and not come back?

  • foolsage

    There's still a Sontaran wandering around in there, as far as we know.

  • BlackRabbit

    Yeah, I think that's who I meant.

  • Billybob

    Yeah, but four of the squash courts have prototype nuclear reactors built in them. And number five has a... something... built by the young chaps from the High Energy Magic building.

  • BWeaves

    Oh, and an awesome library. And the closet. Let me in the closet. I only want to try on "the scarf" then I'll put it back.

    Oh, and a fornicator. William Hartnell's Doctor said there was a fornicator in there somewhere.

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