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11 Reasons Why I'm Holding Out Hope That The Eddie Murphy Oscars Won't Be One Massive, Fat Suited Ratnerf*cking

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (44)

eddie-murphy-raw-knock-socks.jpeg

A delectable rumor was floating around the internet a few weeks ago. Word was Billy Crystal was thinking of coming back to host the Academy Awards. But that? That was a lie. Of course it was. We don’t get nice things. We get Brett F*cking Ratner producing and Eddie Murphy hosting. Do you know WHY we get that, children? Because we’ve somehow made Eddie Murphy the second highest grossing actor in Hollywood. That’s right, The Donkey, Dr. Doolittle, that brain lesion Norbit. All of it. It’s on us. So here’s what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to keep piling on Eddie Murphy. That’s an easy, wide (because of the fatsuits) target. I might be the only one here with the cojones to admit it, but I love the Oscars. I want them to be fun, I want them to be great. And, f*ck it, I used to love Murphy. So here, in a very particular order, are 11 reasons why hiring the man who inspired Big Momma and Medea might not be the worst idea since The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Maybe. Don’t hold your breath. Towards the bottom there is some NSFW language. Are you working at this hour? Ye gods.

11. The Fifth Beatle

10. Reggie Hammond

9. All The Characters in Coming To America

8. Mr. Robinson

7. Boogie In Your Butt

6. Stevie Wonder

5. Axel Foley

4. Buckwheat

3. Billy Ray Valentine

2. Raw

1. Delirious

Joanna Robinson realizes everything isn’t quite as screamingly hysterical as it was when she was a kid. But she’s still hopeful. Also? Before you ask. The Gumby sketch wasn’t available.









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Comments

Brett Ratner? The Academy can now be officially referred to as "The Largest Assembly of Nitwits on Earth".

Now, seeing as Tower Heist has yet to be released, I can't give a thoughtful statement that a pairing of Murphy and Ratner could be a bad thing.

The main question in: How much control over Murphy does Ratner have?

Posted by: Tenebrous at September 7, 2011 12:33 AM

I might be the only one here with the cojones to admit it, but I love the Oscars.

But it's so much more fun to holler, bitch, moan and whine?

Fucking people.

Posted by: Jay at September 7, 2011 12:34 AM

I still HAVE to sing "I have some iiiiice cream, I have some iiiiice cream. . ." It's still funny to me. I miss that Eddie. I will hope with you that that Eddie is the one who's hosting the Oscars.

Posted by: Lainey at September 7, 2011 12:44 AM

No mention of his double role (one of which a dead on take of himself) in "Bowfinger" ??

Posted by: Zipper666 at September 7, 2011 1:04 AM

Wrong fucking Eddie.

Should have been Eddie Izzard. He should claim it for his own, with the cunning use of flags!

Posted by: general rhubarb at September 7, 2011 1:19 AM

To this day, I can recite Raw verbatim. Make of that what you will.I want THAT Eddie back.

Posted by: Az at September 7, 2011 1:28 AM

You realize those examples are all more than 25 yrs old, don't you?

Posted by: Sean at September 7, 2011 1:32 AM

it isn't relevant but I'd like to inform you that "trading places" is played on tv every single Christmas in Italy, EVERY YEAR and it will always be my favorite Christmas movie of all times. Die hard comes second of course.

Posted by: rio at September 7, 2011 1:44 AM

Damn. Beverly Hills Cop, 48 Hours, and Trading Places are fucking funny-ass movies. As noted, though, they were all 25ish years ago.

I do think Bowfinger deserves a place on this list. If only because it had the cojones to lampoon Scientology.

And #1 is, in fact, the ice-cream song. I still sometimes have to sing the ice cream song. Once in a while, when I don't even have ice cream!

Joanna, you win at lists today. Dustin's was OK, but too much weak sauce.

Posted by: MM at September 7, 2011 2:56 AM

BOWFINGER!! Shoot, I'd rather see a full-length FAKE PURSE NINJAS than TRANSFORMERS 4.

Won't be watching the Oscars, though.

Posted by: Pat C. at September 7, 2011 3:13 AM

See, now I have to watch the part of Delerious where Aunt Bunny falls down the stairs. I don't know why that bit so so funny to me, but it always cracks me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VgaqOXUCJA

I'm dying over here. I usually lose it for real at "MY SHOE!"

Posted by: elisamaza at September 7, 2011 3:14 AM

yes, Joanna there is a netherworld of people who string a living in the darkness.
Murphy will do fine. How Ratner got the producing gig is beyond me.

Posted by: Mr.West at September 7, 2011 5:15 AM

The last time I watched the Oscars with any sort of interest was when Blame Canada was nominated for Best Song (it lost).

So, um, meh to this.

Posted by: The Wanderer at September 7, 2011 5:59 AM

As I've noted elsewhere, this would be exciting news 20 years ago. The last time Murphy was at the Oscars, he left in a snit for not winning.

Posted by: snapnhiss at September 7, 2011 7:19 AM

It's all about 'K-I-T' in Bowfinger.

Ratner lobby-ed (sp?) for the Oscars gig months back and they finally gave in.

Posted by: Teresa at September 7, 2011 7:40 AM

Right before the "5th Beatle" is a teaser of my favorite Murphy skit....can't believe the James Brown "Hot Tub" didn't make the list!

Posted by: PerpetualIntern at September 7, 2011 7:48 AM

yes! General rhubarb! Yes!

Posted by: Agogagogo at September 7, 2011 8:06 AM

It's hot in the hot tub!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 7, 2011 9:34 AM

*sigh* I remember when Eddie was rigth up there with some of the comedic greats. Pryor, Carlin, That bum on the street corner downtown. Now he's just a slave to Big Daddy Cash-money Cockmonger. Kind of like Ice Cube.

Remember when he was a crazy motherfucker straight out of Compton? Now he's a slightly perturbed African-American Gentleman from Suburban California by way of Los Angeles.

Posted by: admin at September 7, 2011 9:40 AM

I can't get into a hot tub without singing the "I'm gonna get down in the hot tub" song.

Posted by: LuLu at September 7, 2011 9:49 AM

The Gumby sketch wasn’t available.

What the Hell? The Gumby sketch has a 12 month contract over at TMZ?

Posted by: logan at September 7, 2011 9:52 AM

Aww, no Golden Child? I don't know if I've seen the Golden Child more times than I've seen Raw, but its close. And I too can quote Raw verbatim from memory without having watched it in a couple years. I miss that Eddie Murphy, and have always held out hope that he would return.

K.I.T. Keep It Together, Keep It Together, Keep It Together

Posted by: protoformX at September 7, 2011 9:53 AM

You can hold out hope all you like, but unless you've got a time machine for 1980s Eddie Murphy, you're shit out of luck.

Posted by: csb at September 7, 2011 10:48 AM

Maybe he'll sing.

Posted by: Agogagogo at September 7, 2011 11:08 AM

Don’t blame Ratner or Murphy. Fuck Hollywood! I hope next year one of the Kardashian sisters in hosting the Oscars. See, you fucking people think Hollywood has morals, Hollywood is nothing but a filthy diseased whore looking to get high. Are you kidding me, I hope Murphy comes out in a fat suit and takes a dump right in front of all those washed up actors that come out once a year. I hope Ratner at this moment is doing coke as he’s talking on the phone with the people at the Oscar office and is telling them he has everything under control and that this will be the best produced Oscars in a long time. I hope Ratner has blown all the money that the Oscar people gave him to produce the show on coke and whores. I hope Ratner checks into rehab one week before the Oscars, then tells the Oscar people that he’s in rehab and all the money is gone. I hope Eddie Murphy shows up with Olivia O’Lovely as his Oscar date, and she gets a front row seat.


Posted by: Pookie at September 7, 2011 11:08 AM

I am less concerned about Murphy than I am about Brett Ratner. b/c 1. Yuck and 2. I hate the idea of this tool's ego being fed any more than it already has. I think Murphy is actually the type of host that tends to work well (comedian, good add-libber, etc).

As an aside, I saw Ratner recently at a local department store hitting on the girls at the makeup counter in such a blatant and obnoxious was that I couldn't help but laugh (they must have know who he was b/c they were pretty receptive). Asked one of the salespeople helping me if he did this often and they said yes.

Posted by: kimk at September 7, 2011 11:12 AM

Unce, ice, fee times a mady!

Posted by: MRod at September 7, 2011 11:59 AM

I also vote for Bowfinger. You could replace Ebony and Ivory because defying all common sense, Joe Piscopo is what makes that sketch funny:

You are black and I am white,
You are blind as a bat and I have sight
Side by side, you're my amigo
Negro, let's not fiiiiiiiight

Also:

Should I get in the the hot tub? (yeah)
Will it make me sweat? (yeah)
Should I get in the hot tub? (yeah)
Will it make me wet? (yeah)
Well, well...well.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 7, 2011 12:11 PM

"my girl wants to party all the time"

signalled the end of Eddie Murphy as we knew him

Posted by: kirbyjay at September 7, 2011 12:43 PM

Hey, do you think he will open with a rant about 'faggots' staring at his butt? Because that will be endearing.

Posted by: Haystacks at September 7, 2011 2:08 PM

Eddie Murphy is, in many, many, many ways, an awful, terrible, no good very bad person. But when he tells the Slinky story? No. Nothing makes me laugh harder. IT JUST KEEPS GETTIN' FUNNIER, EVERY DAMN TIME I SEE IT.

Posted by: Nadine at September 7, 2011 2:22 PM

Ricky Gervais shud be the host for every award show ever.

He would be hosting instead of Eddie Murphy but everyone knows he'll spend the opening minutes making fun of the Academy for hiring Franco and Hathaway.

Posted by: haplo at September 7, 2011 3:25 PM

The shoe! Momma throwing a shoe: http://youtu.be/AC0XN648KR4

Every darn time, i gotta sing this:
You got no ice-cream
you can't af-ford it
your mom's on wel-fare
your father's an al-co-hol-ic...

Posted by: bananapanda at September 7, 2011 4:31 PM

My Uncle Elvin married a hairy Puerto Rican chick that my cousins and I still insist on calling "Aunt Bunny". Whenever we make references to her being a Gooney-Goo-Goo, she has no clue what we're talking about. It's puerile, but it makes the family reunions bearable. True story.

Posted by: Carolina Girl at September 7, 2011 4:38 PM

One of my favorite SNL skits of all time is Eddie Murphy undercover as Mr. White.

Posted by: samantha t at September 7, 2011 5:27 PM

Seriously, no one enjoyed Pluto Nash? Nobody got that old-school, sci-fi vibe like you got while watching Red Dwarf?

No one?

Yeah, me neither bitches! That shit was just a test! Asente OUT!

[leaves quickly, hiding mysterious dvd in jacket]

Posted by: superasente will watch anything with robots at September 7, 2011 6:11 PM

I watched and listen to them all and I laughed in spite of the fact that I thought I wouldn't. It brings back so much childhood memories. We had all his albums which my mother did a poor job of hiding and I can always remember the Ice Cream skit and how every single thing he said in that skit was true! I am still laughing right now. I think he'll do well. I'm okay with it now. He has to be better than Anne Hathaway.

Posted by: Candy at September 7, 2011 8:10 PM

P.S. I just saw the Tower Heist trailer. I'm liking this Oscar thing more and more. I wonder if its a coincidence Brett directed Tower Heist and now he's producing the Oscars with Eddie. Seems like a new friendship bond has developed.

Posted by: Candy at September 7, 2011 8:41 PM

What about Holy Man? I unabashedly love that movie.

Posted by: TWoPFan at September 7, 2011 9:49 PM

What's it take for a comic to remain funny, after success? Or is the hurt & struggle part fuel and part guard-rails keeping them on track.

Carlin was funny forever, but did he ever have large, general fame?

Lenny Bruce bumped up against making it, but managed to end up un-funny without the big success.

Sam Kinison was unbelievable, until he ran out of his two months worth of material and simultaneously could afford cocaine.

And Eddie. Oh, Eddie. Behind the on stage talent was a slashing intellect. Every bit JR put up top is funny delivery of a deadly funny premise. His performances maybe went limp, but that killer insight got soft first.

So ... if the Oscars are the pinnacle of establishment success-whoring, is a still-funny host even possible?

Posted by: BierceAmbrose at September 8, 2011 12:26 AM

Eddie Murphy will def be better than the sad display Anne Hathaway & James Franco put together.

Posted by: Littlejon2001 at September 8, 2011 1:11 AM

I haven't seen "Delirious" or "Raw" since I was far too fucking young to be watching them. Obviously some of it stuck with me, though, because that ice cream song is something I still sing. I also swing microphones like gigantic dicks!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at September 8, 2011 7:58 AM

I maintain the "Coming to America" is the best American comedy OF ALL TIME. That movie is friggin' GOLDEN to THIS day. And I use ALL CAPS because I MEAN what I SAY about it! Defy me at your peril.

Now I want THAT Eddie Murphy back. I'll take Arsenio Hall too, he was excellent.

Posted by: Rest In Peace at September 8, 2011 9:58 AM

Posted by: Voip Phones at September 14, 2011 3:37 AM