11 Reasons Why I'm Holding Out Hope That The Eddie Murphy Oscars Won't Be One Massive, Fat Suited Ratnerf*cking
A delectable rumor was floating around the internet a few weeks ago. Word was Billy Crystal was thinking of coming back to host the Academy Awards. But that? That was a lie. Of course it was. We don't get nice things. We get Brett F*cking Ratner producing and Eddie Murphy hosting. Do you know WHY we get that, children? Because we've somehow made Eddie Murphy the second highest grossing actor in Hollywood. That's right, The Donkey, Dr. Doolittle, that brain lesion Norbit. All of it. It's on us. So here's what I'm not going to do. I'm not going to keep piling on Eddie Murphy. That's an easy, wide (because of the fatsuits) target. I might be the only one here with the cojones to admit it, but I love the Oscars. I want them to be fun, I want them to be great. And, f*ck it, I used to love Murphy. So here, in a very particular order, are 11 reasons why hiring the man who inspired Big Momma and Medea might not be the worst idea since The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Maybe. Don't hold your breath. Towards the bottom there is some NSFW language. Are you working at this hour? Ye gods.
11. The Fifth Beatle
10. Reggie Hammond
9. All The Characters in Coming To America
8. Mr. Robinson
7. Boogie In Your Butt
6. Stevie Wonder
5. Axel Foley
3. Billy Ray Valentine
Joanna Robinson realizes everything isn't quite as screamingly hysterical as it was when she was a kid. But she's still hopeful. Also? Before you ask. The Gumby sketch wasn't available.