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10 Unintentionally Horrifying Movies to Scare the Bejesus Out of You This Halloween

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | October 31, 2013 | Comments ()


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It’s Halloween, folks, and while many of you will spend the evening handing out diabetes and coronary disease to obese children dressed as superheroes before watching your favorite slasher flicks and horror movies, I have a few suggestions that are unintentionally far more frightening than your typical Halloween fare. These are 10 terrifying movies that would take far more willpower to watch through the parted fingers of your hand than the entire Paranormal Activity and Saw movies combined. They may not contain much entertainment value, but they are scary goddamn films.

Bad Grandpa — A horny, doddering old man abducts a seven-year old boy, drives him across the country, dresses him up as a girl, and enters him into a beauty pageant, where he’s forced to mount a stripper pole while his grandfather flips money at him.

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Hangover Part III — A group of four men are doomed to repeat themselves, with slight variations and location changes, over and over and over again.

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Spring Breakers — A group of sexually traumatized hedonists are so damaged by drugs that they forget what they’re actually supposed to be fellating.

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Magic Mike — A group of deranged drug addicts who can ill afford to purchase clothing congregate each night, abuse drugs, and rape floors. HIDE YOUR FLOORING. THESE MEN WILL SOIL YOUR HARDWOOD.

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Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star: A terrifying mentally disabled man with buckteeth who lives in a Midwestern city where farmers rape their goats travels to Los Angeles, waves his tiny penis at porn stars, sprays innocent bystanders with his semen, and sexually harasses the audience by frequently masturbating into the camera.

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The Odd Life of Timothy Green — A grieving couple bereft over their inability to have children create a list of charactertistics that would form the perfect child, plant the list in their garden, and grow a little boy with leaves attached to his legs who digs his way out of the Earth and infects a small community with treacliness, haunting grown ups with cuteness, and returning to the ground, leaving young viewers an inconsolable mess.

The Bucket List: Two horrifyingly old men stricken with disease escape a hospital, one a tedious geezer obsessed with minutia who narrates maudlin bullshit with his omnipotent voice and the other a blood-coughing asshole. The two weep, shit and drink gin together before exacting their own personal Make-A-Wish foundation on the audience while singing “The Lion Sings Tonight” and raving maniacally through an African safari.

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Eat, Pray, Love: A unctuously monstrous woman with a long face and over-sized teeth travels the world and inflicts her self-absorbed fortune cookie crap on Javier Bardem and Richard Jenkins, bores people to death with her petty fucking problems and her Buddhist Ayn Rand bullshit philosophy, and sucks out all the air around her with her claustrophobic narcissism.

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Paul Blart: Mall Cop: A morbidly obese man with a pedo-stache poses as a security guard, lurches around the mall in a space-age contraption, sweats on the innocent, preys upon women a third of his size, and consumes everything in his wake.

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Country Strong: A pretty Californian faux-Brit murders the audience with a shrieky twang, soccer-mom slinks her way around a country-song turd, rubs herself up and down like a Praying Mantis in love with itself, turns zombie and starts awkwardly thrashing around her head, and sheds mascara like a Tammy Faye Baker clown during crying jags. Terrifying.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • e jerry powell

    Or you could just watch the "Whip My Hair" video 32 times...

  • Jim

    You are a MONSTER! Are we related?

  • e jerry powell

    Anything is possible...

  • Between the Julia Roberts gif and the James Franco, this article is the scariest fucking I've ever fucking seen. I hate you.

  • I had no idea that's what The Odd Life of Timothy Green was about. I will never, ever see this movie. Why would you subject a child to that??

  • apsutter

    I seem to remember that when it came out everyone thought it was this sweet family movie and so tons of families went to see it only to be devastated unexpectedly.

  • Maguita NYC

    I was caught between laughter and horror!

    Laughing at the kids' despair and utter grief, and my horror at the blonde kid's teeth: What is wrong with his teeth! Are those braces, or are they rotting?

    Yeah. I'm not so good with kids.

  • John W

    That Julia Roberts gif....yeeaagh!

  • Emm82

    That gif scared the shit out of me!

  • A. Smith

    I can't stop laughing, it's like a virus.

  • WhoDeyKY

    Confession... I love Paul Blart: Mall Cop. So. freaking. much.

  • BlackRabbit

    Yeah, that was a harsh take on a fun film, Dustin.

  • WhoDeyKY

    in Blart's defense "and consumes everything in his wake."... well he did have blood sugar issues. Yeah, I just defended Paul Blart on the internetz.

  • Jiffylush

    Of course he had blood sugar issues, his diet was terrible.

  • Archie Leach

    jar jar binks.

  • Gistine

    Ewww. James Franco blowing a gun. Disturbing.

  • BWeaves

    "Magic Mike — A group of deranged drug addicts who can ill afford to purchase clothing congregate each night, abuse drugs, and rape floors. HIDE YOUR FLOORING. THESE MEN WILL SOIL YOUR HARDWOOD."

    Yes, but did they lay the carpet? (There's a shag joke in there somewhere.)

  • bastich

    Those gentlemen know their trim.

  • WhoDeyKY

    Can't talk. Hot men humping on floors. WOW.

  • BendinIntheWind

    SERIOUSLY with that Eat Pray Love gif??? Scarier than any slasher movie I've watched this week. Which is A LOT.

  • Nicholas

    Yeah, the only redeeming part of this article. I'm addicted to it.

  • Ted Zancha

    They have posted the GIF so many times on this site and it induces the worst nightmares.

    Also, its hypnotic and I cant look away.

  • axis2clusterB

    I was just about to ask what the HELL is up with that? I've never seen the movie, don't get it, and it's terrifying!

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