10 Unintentionally Horrifying Movies to Scare the Bejesus Out of You This Halloween
It’s Halloween, folks, and while many of you will spend the evening handing out diabetes and coronary disease to obese children dressed as superheroes before watching your favorite slasher flicks and horror movies, I have a few suggestions that are unintentionally far more frightening than your typical Halloween fare. These are 10 terrifying movies that would take far more willpower to watch through the parted fingers of your hand than the entire Paranormal Activity and Saw movies combined. They may not contain much entertainment value, but they are scary goddamn films.
Bad Grandpa — A horny, doddering old man abducts a seven-year old boy, drives him across the country, dresses him up as a girl, and enters him into a beauty pageant, where he’s forced to mount a stripper pole while his grandfather flips money at him.
Hangover Part III — A group of four men are doomed to repeat themselves, with slight variations and location changes, over and over and over again.
Spring Breakers — A group of sexually traumatized hedonists are so damaged by drugs that they forget what they’re actually supposed to be fellating.
Magic Mike — A group of deranged drug addicts who can ill afford to purchase clothing congregate each night, abuse drugs, and rape floors. HIDE YOUR FLOORING. THESE MEN WILL SOIL YOUR HARDWOOD.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star: A terrifying mentally disabled man with buckteeth who lives in a Midwestern city where farmers rape their goats travels to Los Angeles, waves his tiny penis at porn stars, sprays innocent bystanders with his semen, and sexually harasses the audience by frequently masturbating into the camera.
The Odd Life of Timothy Green — A grieving couple bereft over their inability to have children create a list of charactertistics that would form the perfect child, plant the list in their garden, and grow a little boy with leaves attached to his legs who digs his way out of the Earth and infects a small community with treacliness, haunting grown ups with cuteness, and returning to the ground, leaving young viewers an inconsolable mess.
The Bucket List: Two horrifyingly old men stricken with disease escape a hospital, one a tedious geezer obsessed with minutia who narrates maudlin bullshit with his omnipotent voice and the other a blood-coughing asshole. The two weep, shit and drink gin together before exacting their own personal Make-A-Wish foundation on the audience while singing “The Lion Sings Tonight” and raving maniacally through an African safari.
Eat, Pray, Love: A unctuously monstrous woman with a long face and over-sized teeth travels the world and inflicts her self-absorbed fortune cookie crap on Javier Bardem and Richard Jenkins, bores people to death with her petty fucking problems and her Buddhist Ayn Rand bullshit philosophy, and sucks out all the air around her with her claustrophobic narcissism.
Paul Blart: Mall Cop: A morbidly obese man with a pedo-stache poses as a security guard, lurches around the mall in a space-age contraption, sweats on the innocent, preys upon women a third of his size, and consumes everything in his wake.
Country Strong: A pretty Californian faux-Brit murders the audience with a shrieky twang, soccer-mom slinks her way around a country-song turd, rubs herself up and down like a Praying Mantis in love with itself, turns zombie and starts awkwardly thrashing around her head, and sheds mascara like a Tammy Faye Baker clown during crying jags. Terrifying.