Pajiba

With Bret Michaels and his “search” for love behind us, we move on to Scott Baio. There’s just no way this show can live up to the entertainment value of “Rock My Cock” (I think I miss Stalker Butterface already), but let’s see what we got.

0:01. In the introduction, Chachi tells us that he was on “Happy Days,” “Joannie Loves Chachi” and “Charles In Charge.” Dude - you were on “Arrested Development.” Bob Loblaw! That should be front and center on your list of credits, sir!

0:02. Chachi tells us, via voiceover, that everything we’re going to see is “real.” I’m skeptical of this, particularly because of a comment Dustin shared before I watched the show: “It was pretty decent, but if half of it’s not outright scripted, then my son is Jesus Christ. It’s very staged, and I think there may be a writer or two. It’s like a bad reality version of Larry David. But, still, it’s Chachi.”

0:03. “At 45 years old, I really needed to decide between two choices that scared the crap out of me. Either get married, or be a life-long bachelor.” And with that premise of the show, he meets with a life coach so he can get some help. And of course, this means there’s a montage of all the “wacky” life coach candidates.

0:04. What I want to know is, where’s the Famke Janssen life coach? Diabolically hot and, not wacky, but deeply disturbed. That’s what I want. I mean, if you’re gonna’ script part of this show, why not script in something like that?

0:04. Well the voice-overs are obviously scripted, but not well scripted. Corny as hell, in fact — I actually prefer Bret Michael’s comments to Chachi’s voice-overs.

0:05. So the life coach that Chachi has settled on informs him (and the viewers) that she’s not an actress. Then she tells him that she wants him to see his ex-girlfriends and to stay celibate and away from his girlfriend, and Chachi is all riled up about all of this. So we’re to believe that none of this was planned ahead of time? That they didn’t know the premise of the very reality show they were going to be making ahead of time? …I’m quickly become bitter towards this show. It needs some high-pitched dumb blondes, stat!

0:09. More brilliant Chachi voice-over: “You know, when you think about it, golfing is a lot like breaking bad news to girls. It begins by putting on a stupid outfit and ends with you wondering if you’ll ever find your balls again.” Bah-dum-dum!

0:10. So Chachi is having this little dinner with his blonde girlfriend, and he’s gotta break the news that he’s hired this life-coach and can’t see the girlfriend for two months, and it’s all soooooooooo setup and scripted. And if not outright scripted, Dustin’s totally right that they’re at least taking the “Curb Your Enthusiasm” approach, with an outline and repeatedly-filmed improvs of the outline, honing everything out. Congrats Dustin - I guess this means Pajiba, Jr. is the son of God!

0:13. Well I’m disappointingly bored by this show. As we head into commercial, I’m thinking that this really defies a good Real Time review. With “Rock of Love,” there was just so much to make fun of moment-to-moment that the real time thing was easy as pie. Here, there’s really just nothing to say. For example, during that last scene with Chachi and his blonde chippie, I actually started browsing the internet - when a show turns into full-fledged “background noise” only 10 minutes in, that’s not a good sign. I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep this real time review going for the full hour, quite frankly, but I’ll give it one more segment before giving up on the idea wholesale.

0:17. There’s a commercial for a new R. Kelly track called “Same Girl,” which features this lyric: “How could the love of my life and my potential wife be the same girl?” He really is our modern day Shakespeare. …I wonder if Billy Shakespeare also liked to piss on underage girls?

0:18. Chachi is railing on his life coach again. He’s pissed off about not being able to see his girlfriend and how awful that dinner was, and now he’s so worked up he can’t even take a dump. Oh Scott Baio, your career has never been in better form.

0:23. Ok, another segment done and this real time review buh-lows. I had absolutely nothing to say for the last five minutes. So here’s the deal — I’ll stop back in when the show is all said and done and spit out some thoughts, and let’s just leave it at that.

0:39. Hey, just wanted to let you know that I finished cutting my nails.

0:56. And now I’ve finished folding the laundry that had been sitting in a basket for two days. If nothing else, this show is good for helping me get little personal chores done.

1:00. This show commits the two mortal sins of reality television - it’s obviously staged, if not outright scripted, and it’s boring. I mean, if you’re going to stage shit, at least make it funny and entertaining. For example, Chachi goes to his agent’s office (and because Baio reveals how much he hates being called Chachi, I of course refuse to call him anything but), and son of a gun if Clint Howard doesn’t just happen to be chilling out there, allegedly unaware that he and Chachi even share the same agent, let alone that cameras were about to show up. It just felt lame. And actually, if Clint Howard is going to pop up on a reality show, he’d be much better off over on “Rock My Cock” - he’d blend right in with those butterfaces.

…Yeah, I know that was wicked harsh. I’m just saying.

Meanwhile, Chachi has this schlubby friend who’s supposed to be the comic relief. In the agent’s office, he was like Johnny Drama - when the agent asked Chachi if he could ride horses for some role, schlubby friend is all “well I can ride horses.” And schlubby friend also wants Chachi to remain single so that he can still continue to be a hanger-on, getting Chachi’s chick crumbs. I guess he’s supposed to be funny, but he just ain’t.

In fact, the best thing about this whole hour was actually the clips from upcoming episodes. For one thing, one ex throws the following quote at Chachi: “I had my first AIDS test because of you, that’s how much you cheated on me.” Now that’s funny. But not as funny as this self-delusional quote from his current girlfriend: “He’s cheated on every woman he’s ever been with but me.” Ok, honey, whatever gets you through the night.

But the best think about these preview clips and, thus, about the show as a whole … Nicole mother-F’ing Eggert! God bless her. Now gimme a reality show about Nicole Egger and I’ll be tuning in each and every week no matter how dull-as-a-rock it is. But as for this show, sorry Chachi, but I don’t love ya.

Seth Freilich is Pajiba’s television editor. He’s too busy thinking nasty thoughts about Nicole Eggert and what he would do if he were in charge to bother writing some clever tag.

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