Pajiba

best. review. ever.

the self-righteous, spittle-spraying anger is what makes it great.

i heart you.

Hell hath no fury like a Rowles scorned.

Maybe I missed something, but what's a naked bracelet? And why isn't it charming?

I feel so stupid. I almost always get Dustin's allusions!! Help me?

This is why I visit this site regularly. Where else can I get awesome, honest (when not being ironic) movie reviews and get funny looks from people anytime I say the name. Hats off to you Mr. Rowles and keep the hate coming!

god, please leave your wife and marry me...you can serenade me with your little quips.

I fear that American comedies have finally devolved into simply putting Ben Stiller in a fake mustache. Alas, it was only a matter of time.

And really? Horatio Sanz? Being fat, in and of itself, isn't funny, is it? Because, so far as I can tell, that's all that Sanz has going for him. And if that's all it takes to make it nine years on SNL, then I suppose I ought to start my Morgan Spurlock diet soon.
FINALLY! Someone has said what I've been thinking for years. And not just with Horatio Sanz. With that dude from King of Queens too. Fat does not equal funny. Jesus.

To the author of that insightful comment, I say this: Do you think you're the first plebeian douchebag to suggest that a movie critic was picked last in PE? Do you even think you're the first to suggest as much to me? Where did you pick up that insult -- some two-bit refrigerator-repair school where everyone recycles 1950s putdowns? Are you kidding me? If you're going to hurl insults, at least have a little panache, a touch of invective.
You rock, Dustin.

The "naked braclet" allusion explained:

He means she has no charm. A charm braclet without charm is a naked braclet.

I guess no one is allowed to insult you in their comments, lest they get be destroyed by your big-worded immature rantings. Grow up.

Thanks, Kevin. Makes sense now.

And Mike - get be destroyed. The ignorant always assume that people are using "big words" for no other reason than to make them feel dumb. Sorry to get political, but George Bush strikes me as exactly this kind of person. I simply detest this kind of irrational, anti-intellectual knee-jerk reaction. If you don't know what big words mean, perhaps that is your fault, and more importantly, your loss. Don't blame others for what you can't appreciate.

I was wondering about the naked bracelet thing too. Trying a bit too hard there, Rowles. Nice review otherwise, though.

Mike- He took an insult and worked it into the whole theme of the review, you idiot.

Are the words "reading comprehension" too big for you to handle?

I am in lurve.

Can't we all just get along?

... guess not :)

One thing tho AM ... "And Mike - get be destroyed" ... if you are going to insult someone on being the "anti-intellectual" use comprehensive grammer. Not disagreeing with you ... actually I'm in agreement with the rest of your eloquent speach -l- just making a point ...

Oops, I wish we could erase our comments. I didn't read Mike's comment thoroughly and didn't see that was actually a mockery of his statement. Sorry AM! Anyway, totally agree with the review. The movie looked awfull .. and again makes me question how Billy Bob Thorton got Angelian Jolie ...

Even putting aside how defensive and douchey the beginning of this review is, the classist insults are offensive and just as played out as any gym class cracks.

Excellent review and excellent slam on the "you must have been picked last in gym" statement.

Oh, and Mike, here's something you may understand.

DIAF!

who greenlights this trash? how much longer will the industry try to keep wringing the last drop out of an almost dry dishrag? it's a formula: introduce slackers - slackers get put down - slackers unite - slackers triumph with A TON of toilet humor, fart jokes, and grossout humor.

YAWN.

"Sarah Silverman subversive"????

This is indicative of the way the majority of American filmakers view, write and direct comedies. Let's take the aforementioned Napoleon Dynamite. Now I don't want to start a flame war here, but let's be realistic. Was Napoleon really that funny? When you put away what's popular, what was so great about this movie that Jon Heder can do no wrong? Heder wasn't even the best thing about Napoleon Dynamite, just the one we saw the most. But that's the way it goes these days. It's all about branding, in whatever form you can manage it. What else explains screen gems like Dude, Where's My Car?, and Little Man?

So, preach on my brother. Preach on.

As a side note, Angelina Jolie is the reason Thornton is doing what he's doing now. Brad Pitt, consider yourself warned.

Tim, are being ironic about Dustin's irony by posting an ironic faux-criticism of his ironic faux-criticism? (that gave me a headache...) or do you really just not get anything?

I admit it, I don't know what DIAF means.
Any takers?

This Guy Dustin seems long windeed in his rants, Like maybe his health insurance bill came this month with more than the usual amount of billings for knee abrasions and stomach pumps, or something.

As one who loathes both Heder and films of this spectactularly shitty variety with fury inconceivable, I heartily cheer you, sir!
*huzzahs*

I admit it, I don't know what DIAF means.
Any takers?

It means "Die In A Fire". The phrase and acronym are in common use on FARK.com.

BTW, I'm glad to have my opinion of this drekh (a lame rip-off of Rushmore) confirmed by Pajiba without having to endure the movie itself. Thanks for saving me, Dustin.

"use comprehensive grammer."

Irony, upon irony, upon irony.

Bullshit, upon bullshit, upon bullshit.

I know I may be stating the obvious--how can the wittier Pajibians not have thought the same thought?--but man:

"Author's Note: To extract a miniscule amount of amusement from its sorry subject, the review below liberally employs a whimsical conceit; the apparent vitriol inherent in this particular approach should be taken no more seriously than the film itself -- that is, not at all."

It's a freaking sad state of affairs when satiric or ironic writs have to be prefaced as such--that even Pajiba has a large enough portion of readers to make such a thing even conceivable, much less necessary. That's not meta--it's just depressing. The last few straggling "idea" progeny of the Augustan age are officially parrot-dead. We can satirize all we like--the idea's journey apparently gasps its last between author and reader, these days, and if we put any stock in Barthes et al, then what's the point?

NO--I refuse to despair. Keep at it, Rowles.

What gets me is that, even with the preface, people didn't get it.

Personally, I welcome our plebeian douchebag overlords. ;)

Say what you will about the quality, but the only "good" movies these days are made by art house douche bags and apparently by Clint Eastwood (Million Dollar Baby won a oscar but sucked hobo ass). I predict that in Ten years, this film will play non-stop on friday nights at eleven pm on tv when theres nothing better on. Like all the great lazy man cinema befor it (Big Daddy baby!) this one will rise to the top of the 'no one bothers to rent it cause everyone's seen it' genre and for that alone, it's a hell of alot better than any of the other shit flicks made today. Give it time, save your money, cheap laughs and guilty pleasures from this celluloid flop will come. Fuck you, last boy picked. Get a job, I'm just sick and bored right now. You do this for a living.

Fucking 'A', Joey. It's not shit-festival "thinking-man's" movies that become classics watched over and over again. Hell, I remember critics were practically beating off in movie theaters over 'Contact' and 'Seabiscuit'. Have you heard anything about those movies since then? Hell no, because the people that critique those movies have thier heads so far up their pretentious asses that they forget a movie is supposed to be entertaining. Its not fair to penalize a picture just because you don't leave the theater feeling like you just stepped out of a college lecture hall.

And you're welcome to your opinion, AM, and I agree and can definitally see why you would believe that. But I don't care for the opposite side of the spectrum either, which is well-educated elitists that flaunt their know-how on whatever ivory-tower opinion Hollywood or the New York Times has maneufactured recently while tossing around expensive buzz-words they happened to stumble across in their well-worn thesaurus. Speaking of which, what is Senator Kerry doing these days?

Good, ironic insight in the Jackass article though. I was never picked first in gym class either :(.

I do appreciate the quality of the writing and the typical depth of analysis offered by the Pajiba reviewers; however, I would really like to know what the fucking point is of professing one's undying love for said reviewers. Seriously people... "Best.review.ever", "I heart you", "I'm in lurve", and the like translate to the rest of us readers as "I'm an uninspired loser but I really want to convey the image that I truly appreciate intelligent writing. Please bend over and let me lick your ass, Dustin. Mmmmm." Okay, I'm done bitching. Please just stop with the overly indulgent ass-kissing, readers.

To answer Dustin's question to Billy Bob, "What happened, man?"
All his talent was sucked out by the plastic surgeons. Seriously, what has he done to his face? He was kinda used-up sexy, but now he looks like a retired drag queen. It must look even worse on the big screen.
I was suspicious when the tv ads started screaming "it's a laugh riot!" Not meaning to add to the love-hump, but thanks for calling this turd out, Dustin.

I agree that it was unbelievably like "Rushmore"...but was I the only one who also noticed a distinct similarity to "Anger Management"?

And yes, I realize I'm actually admitting to watching Adam Sandler...but I loved his old crap, and continue to hope he will once again be funny...someday.

"Even putting aside how defensive and douchey the beginning of this review is, the classist insults are offensive and just as played out as any gym class cracks."

Agreed, agreed, agreed. Never take the cheap shot, my friends, never.

Does anybody else think the picture above looks EXACTLY like Tom Cruise?

Um, I wouldn't say that any of Dustin's big words would be considered elitist, expensive "buzz-words," Matt 2.0, and I think Webster's and Roget's would agree, as they've been around for centuries. Buzzwords today are most commonly circulated by extroverted corporate weasels, who I can only assume were picked first in gym class.

OK I know why these movies are made - so that other horrible movies can move off the "Worst Ever" list. I saw Flyboys - now Pearl Harbor can move off my "Worst ever about flying and war" movies list. And if you see School for Scoundrels, "Greed", most Will Ferrell and ALL Jack Black can seem less awful. And we can send Jon Heder to wherever we send these people when their 15 minutes is over - he can join Topher Grace and Zack Braff.
As for you Dustin - even if you were picked last in gym, I beleve that being picked first leads to blows to the head resulting in brain damage - which shows up later in life with an inability to grasp trenchant sarcasm and why nucular is WRONG!!!!

I was picked first, not because of some class issue or popularity contest, but because I was a good fucking athlete. The popular kids knew if they wanted to win, then they better have me on their team. Granted, I fucking hated everybody then and now, so arguing about what happens to people who get picked first and last is irrelevent. Certainly, making a movie about it is a waste dollars. Who cares? I make a good living, hate my job, (cuz I can't do what I really want to do, be a stripper) and thinking back to the days of taking apart a defense like Hawking the universe is not going to make me feel better. Wait a minute? Maybe it does, ...shit!

I love how everyone is fighting about the way people fight about how people are fighting about Rowle's opinion. Free speech is hilarious.

Wait, why can't you be a stripper?

I never said DUSTIN used big buzzwords, now did I Julie? Try to read the whole comment before you fire off a sharp retort like that. Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it.

To quote my favorite former on-air personality, "I quit this BITCH!" I'm going to pack up my briefcase and all my hopes and dreams and move to Hollywood to see if I can make it. Perhaps someone will buy my life story of a former tax accountant turned successful stripper. It sounds like a god-awful story that would be made into a movie, with a happy ending, no doubt, where everyone learns a valuable lesson.

God damn. It's an entertaining movie review. When did we all don pink tutus and become little girls? Aren't there forums somewhere in the world for you to cry out about the injustice of someone who is writing a MOVIE REVIEW. Breathe. Or. Stop breathing. That actually might work out a little better for me.

I liked the review. I read the review, in hopes that they would humorously rip apart what looked to be a shitty movie. And they did. Congrats.

Is the beginning of this review really douchy and defensive? Cos really...Dustin was just responding to an insult. In other words, he didn't start it.

...and yes I get the joke.

There are people here posting on a website described as "Scathing reviews for bitchy people" and are complaining that the review is too scathing or too bitchy.

Just wanted to throw that out there...

The Idiocracy is us. Exhibit One: School for Scoundrels. Exhibit Two: These amusing commentaries!

I am still at a loss to understand some of the rabidly anti-intellectual comments following this and several other reviews I've read. The same bizarre arguments keep coming up, like about the use of "big words" ("Big words"?? Seriously?? Are we five?) and the assumption that anyone who claims to like a movie on the intellectual side of things or not enjoy one that's more lowbrow must be a posturing ass who couldn't possibly actually feel that way. I am attempting to keep an open mind and figure out why someone would find the idea that I don't consider farting inherently amusing, nor derive hilarity from my twenty-seven-millionth viewing of someone getting hit in the testicles with a flying object, not only incomprehensible, but unacceptable. As far as I can tell, it appears to be predicated on the questionable premise that no two people could conceivably have different taste. So in the interest of gaining perspective, next time I encounter such a person, I'll try to be like, you fucking poseur, pretending you didn't like that neo-Vorticist mime-opera interpretation of eighteenth-century Belgian land disputes with Finnish subtitles. Could you be more pretentious, trying to take us in with your small words? Oh, sure, you say "Me no like" and insist you'd rather be watching Weekend At Bernie's XVIII, where Bernie is the ghost of a ghost of a mummified vampire reincarnated from a seventh-generation zombie of the reanimated corpse of a cyborg and they STILL drag him around trying to disguise it with a hat, but your hollow protests fool no one. You're just too much of a pussy to admit to all your buddies that you like mime-opera. You know what? I just feel sorry for you.

I admit it. I laughed at his teeth. I actually laughed at about 5% of this movie, mainly because I wanted to see a funny movie and I was determined to wring at least a dollar's worth of laughs out of it. Does $.67 count as "mostly"? The funniest thing in the whole movie was Michael Clarke Duncan (SPOILER ALERT) in a wig, and even that was one big hackneyed cliche. This movie was pure poop.

Kate (2006 08:30 PM) hits one out of the park.

(Seriously--"Neo-Vorticist"? I love that.)

Oh God Kate, that was fantastic! You should be a new writer for Pajiba!

Yah I know, Dustin couldn't review his way out of a paper bag.

Exactly. I saw School for Scoundrels recently and I was really disappointed. I thought that Ben Stiller + David Cross would be enough to make anything funny, but I was sadly mistaken.

Whats a "naked bracelet"?