The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause / Dustin Rowles
I do not come from wealthy people. Those of you who grew up similarly know that Christmas was not always that magical, miraculous holiday it’s been made out to be. Anyone, for instance, who got BMG or Columbia House stickers/stamps with pictures of cassettes on Christmas Day — with the promise of eight new tapes in six to eight weeks and four more a month later! — knows what I’m talking about. Worse were those Christmas mornings you opened presents (wrapped in aluminum foil or the comics section) only to discover items that were lying around your Dad’s bedroom the day before, like a wind-up camera with a few flashes left, videotapes with shows you’d been given permission to tape over, or — in the case of my little brother on his 12th Christmas — a collection of Playboy magazines our father no longer needed because he’d come out of the closet that year. I’d seen enough holiday films, of course, to know that it was the thought that counted, but I also knew that — in the movies anyway — the poor kid still got his goddamn Red Rider BB gun, just as long as he had the requisite Christmas spirit.
My “Christmas spirit,” unfortunately, was broken during the last Christmas that I believed in Santa Claus, which — as I recall — was in the first grade. There was nothing in the world I wanted more that year than an electric racecar track — the kind you snap together yourself and squeeze a little trigger to watch a matchbox-sized car whir around and — if you took the turns too fast — fly off the roadway. I begged my parents for it. I wrote letters to Santa. And I even left the bearded bastard a portion of my Hamburger Helper dinner in lieu of cookies and milk we could not afford. And on Christmas morning when I woke up and frantically unwrapped my gift, I was initially overcome with joy. There it was: An electric racecar track! Unfortunately, whatever elation I’d felt in that instant was immediately pushed aside by the discovery that the racetrack was not only missing several snap pieces, but that there was a strip of masking tape stuck to the box, which read “$2” in scrawled red ink.
My Santa Claus shopped at yard sales. And he was a bad motherfucking bargain hunter.
But I’d take that experience — and all the attendant eight-year-old devastation — all over again, if it meant that I’d never have had the misfortune of sitting through The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. How the hell am I supposed to rehabilitate my goddamn Christmas spirit with the current generation’s crop of shitty Christmas flicks? Seriously, when’s the last time Hollywood offered us a decent one, Elf notwithstanding? C’mon, people. I’m supposed to get worked up about a Santa Claus film where the major source of humor is Tim “I Ruined Christmas for Everyone” Allen and reindeer flatulence? Blitzen farted, y’all! How’s that for Christmas cheer? Why doesn’t Rudolph just take a shit on the roof of a house and Santa slip in it and fall to his death? Now, that’s funny. I swear to God: If it weren’t for the fact that BMG and Columbia House now offered 12 compact discs for a penny, instead of cassettes, I’d have given up this godforsaken holiday years ago (oh, and props to the DVD club, though five DVDs for $.49 is hardly a bargain).
I’ll make this short and sweet and — because it’s a Christmas film — use as much profanity as possible: Santa Claus (Tim Allen) is having family troubles. Mrs. Claus (“Lost’s” Elizabeth Mitchell) is pregnant and a week past her due date. Consequently, Santa needs some motherfucking help up in the North Pole from his in-laws (Alan Arkin and Ann Margret) so he can get his shit together, what with Christmas Day closing in and all those little incompetent elves unable to get it in gear. (As an aside — what kind of 21st-century elves are still futzing around with stuffed teddy bears and snow globes? Where are the goddamn iPods, the X-Boxes, and the transgender talking Barbies? Don’t tell me that Santa can deliver presents to every house in the world and squeeze that fat ass down 3 billion chimneys, but he hasn’t moved into the goddamn Internet age yet. Ridiculous.)
Anyway, Santa doesn’t want to give away the secret location of Santaland (it’s the North Pole, bitch) so — with the help of the Sandman, i.e. the token black character — he puts the in-laws into a deep sleep. When they wake up in Santa’s workshop, he tells them it’s Canada (the in-laws, for reasons that are unclear to me, think that Santa is a toy maker living in Canada). And, of course, because no one knows anything else about Canada, the North Pole is turned into a hockey-loving, maple-syrup eating holiday crapstravaganza where the only freakin’ English the elves appear to know anymore is “eh.” (And how ridiculous is it that they left out the fact that all Canadians are flappy-headed, beady-eyed lumberjack-Eskimos who live in Igloos and eat blubber?)
Also along for the ride are Santa’s ex-wife and her new-age, suburban, hippie husband, played by Judge Reinhold(!). I’m pretty sure the ex-wife and her husband have some sort of backstory, revealed in either one of the two previous films, but I haven’t seen either and — unless I’m looking to induce a coma — I don’t ever plan to.
The rub in The Santa Clause 3, however, comes from Jack Frost (Martin Short), an envious asshole who resents the fact that he doesn’t have his own holiday. So he basically does everything he can do to sabotage Christmas and trick Santa into reneging on his Kris Kringly commitments, thereby leaving an open position Mr. Frost intends to take. And, of course, he eventually manages to do just that, changing the North Pole into a freakin’ Vegas Theme Park where — and this is the only thing about the film that rings the least bit true — parents have to pay to get their kiddies on the “nice” list.
If you’re unlucky enough to get stuck in a theater showing The Santa Clause 3, it is at this point that you basically have two options: 1) You can bang your head on the seat in front of you and hope it knocks you unconscious, or 2) you can start to fantasize that the Jigsaw Murderer from Saw III, playing in the theater next door, finds his way into the film, plants a bear trap in Tim Allen’s mouth, and gives him 90 seconds to lay waste to his nine reindeer before the trap separates his jaw in two, delivering the necessary one-liner: “There’s your Christmas cheer, asshole!”
I chose the latter, and that has made all the difference. Merry Christmas!
Dustin Rowles is the publisher of Pajiba. He is currently halfway through a three-year ‘sentence’ in upstate, NY, where he lives with his wife. You may email him, or leave a comment below.
Flushed Away | | Borat
Comments
Judge f-ing Reinhold? Back in the day of Fastimes and Beverly Hills Cop I never imagined he'd fall so far. I was 8 years old, though, so that migh have something to do with it.
Posted by: boobaloob at November 3, 2006 4:15 PM
I actually liked the first Santa Clause (with an e; the entire premise of the first movie was a contractual obligation to be Santa Claus because Tim Allen's character essentially killed the previous Santa).
I view the Santa Clause franchise much like the Land Before Time franchise. The first The Land Before Time is a rich story that actually sort of meant something, and the subsequent 13 or so are shiny, happy, incredibly stupid musicals about dinosaurs. The first Santa Clause actually took on whether or not you should believe in Santa, whether or not you should lie to your kids about it, and it actually goes through how the adult characters stopped believing in Santa because they didn't get what they wanted. It was also kind of clever, with a pre-Shrek sort of adult humor in a kid movie. The next two Santa Clauses, however, are just shiny, happy, incredibly stupid movies about Santa.
Posted by: Emily at November 3, 2006 4:22 PM
Wow. Now I know why the reviews here are so bitchy and mean-spirited and the politics so idiotic. 'Cause the folks 'round here had drunk-assed redneck parents. Shit.
Author's Note: That's drunk-assed gay redneck parents, thank you very much.
Posted by: Satan Claus at November 3, 2006 4:31 PM
Unfortunately my wife LOVES the first two so you can bet your bottom dollar that this one is going to be in Uncle JR's DVD library before too damned long.
Although, I may just take your suggestion about the Saw III fantasy.
Ahhh, yes. I can see it all now...
Posted by: UncleJT at November 3, 2006 4:38 PM
My wife saw the poster for Santa Claus 3 a few weeks ago and asked, "So when are we going to see that?" Without missing a beat, I responded, "If you make me watch that movie, I'll fucking kill you."
Moral of the story? Don't see a movie that makes you want to kill the people you love.
And Fuck Tim Allen, a.k.a. Pass the Straw!
Posted by: Kballs at November 3, 2006 4:46 PM
dude. i have no doubt - none whatsoever - that this movie is complete and utter shit.
but for the love of god, go see a therapist. soon.
Posted by: matt at November 3, 2006 4:58 PM
People actually SEE these movies?
I tend to dislike Christmas movies (maybe it's my similar-to-Dustin upbringing), and I dislike cheesy fucking Santa Clause movies most of all. Well, I assume I would, anyway, as I've never deigned to watch one.
I am truly shocked that people in this thread have actually seen them. I thought only little kids watched stuff like this.
Posted by: s at November 3, 2006 5:13 PM
the first time i saw a trailer/poster for "The Shaggy Dog" i honestly thought it was a joke. i distinctly remember asking myself was it theoretically possible for tim allen to fall any farther?
i maintain that answer as no EXCEPTING the inclusion of martin short into the equation, in which case there is no guarantee of a bottom upon which to fall.
Posted by: the-ian at November 3, 2006 5:16 PM
I remember being a 7 year old and seeing those shitty stop-actioned wooden puppet movies they would show as "specials" that the networks had spent $1.98 to produce and thinking that nothing could be cheaper or stupider than those. What a dumbass little kid I was. The Clause movies made those look like Citizen Kane.
Posted by: Oscar at November 3, 2006 5:38 PM
Oscar, you had poor judgement when you were seven.
He's Mr. Heat Blister, he's Mister 101!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMjAf8Nwohs
(Unfortunately I couldn't find one with the original music, but Big Bad Voodoo Daddy will suffice)
And Dustin - I'd feel sorry for you, but I know you get a perverse joy out of watching Tim Allen in a fat suit.
Posted by: mike at November 3, 2006 6:22 PM
You forgot to mention that we Canadians club baby seals. Often. We like to.
Best Christams movie? "Santa Claus vs. the Martians." No contest.
Posted by: Nanook at November 3, 2006 6:30 PM
I agree with Emily, and have the same problem as Uncle JT. There is little chance that I will ever be able to get out of seeing this movie.
Um...Dustin? Does your bro still have those Playboys? I might need something to keep me from killing myself...
Posted by: zambonigirl at November 3, 2006 6:42 PM
I will be brave and second Emily--the first one is actually pretty good.
But, even so, what happened to movies like "A Christmas Story" and "White Christmas"? Too bad I wasn't even alive when they came out.
Posted by: giraffe at November 3, 2006 6:55 PM
when i saw the preview for this, i thought, 'this is a joke, right?'. i can't imagine there being an actual audience or demographic for this movie. seriously, who is this being marketed to? parents who have given up trying to understand what their kids are interested in? and why on god's green earth would martin short agree to do this? this movie represents everything that is wrong with this country.
Posted by: groanygirl at November 3, 2006 8:10 PM
Marry me.
Posted by: Mara at November 3, 2006 8:17 PM
Ouch. Not even Oprah could top that holiday story, Dustin.
I thought the first 'Santa Claus' was really good, though.
Posted by: Matt 2.0 at November 3, 2006 10:16 PM
I also liked the first "Santa Clause" movie. I admit to being a total kid when it comes to Christmas, and I thought the movie was cute. If anything, I thought "Elf" was overrated: it was a one line joke that went on way too long.
But the SC sequel was painful. Once I saw the reindeer flatulence, I muttered "That's it for this one," and changed the channel. From what you said, that tradition continues in the third installment. I'll skip this one.
Posted by: Brie at November 3, 2006 10:58 PM
So I have to admit I love the first Santa Clause movie. It came out when I was 10 and it has become a tradition to watch it every holiday season while everyone else is watching "It's a Wonderful Life". I'm sure everyone else loves that movie but if it didn't make me interested when I was that young and impressionable it won't work now either. Unfortunately I saw the sequel in the theater and I will never watch it again. Seriously, did they think cloning Tim Allen was a good idea???
Posted by: jmurae at November 3, 2006 11:59 PM
I'm another one that thinks the first one was good, but doubt I would ever be caught dead seeing this. I saw the sequel and to this day I'm still reeling over the Hitler Claus clone. How could a mediocre franchise fall so far? Oh, they make the star Tim Allen. I get it now.
Of course, I'm not exactly one to judge the quality of Christmas movies. My family always starts the holiday season by watching Home Alone on Thanksgiving night, and I don't think there's ever been a year where that movie has failed to make me smile. Of course, there's yet another example of a film taken about 3 sequels too far...
Posted by: McGeek at November 4, 2006 2:09 AM
Where can I send my donation to the Dustin Rowles needs a race track foundation? Will you take spare pieces of my cousin's track, or do I need to send money?
Posted by: anikitty at November 4, 2006 9:40 AM
I saw the trailer to this when I went to see "The Nightmare Before Christmas" in 3D last week. My boyfriend and I sat there in stunned silence as the idiotic preview went on and on. This movie looks like a complete and total joke. I mean, honestly, what human being can look themselves in the mirror after having anything to do with such a mindless pile of drivel? When it was mercifully over, my boyfriend just said "NO." loudly, eliciting laughs from everyone in the theater. I seriously can't believe people go see filth like this. Between "The Shaggy Dog" and this lameass franchise, Tim Allen + Disney = complete shit.
Posted by: Kelly at November 4, 2006 12:59 PM
Well excuse me Judge Reinhold!
I think if I was him I'd be happy enough being able to say that Arrested Development was the pinnacle of my career. I mean you can't get cooler than that! :)
Posted by: Loob at November 4, 2006 1:36 PM
I've wanted to beat the hell out of Tim Allen since his "Tool Time" days. Not to mention all the crap we had to listen to about his rock-bottom-hitting-days. Arg. Now we have this stupid fucking franchise.
OK, I'm better now.
Posted by: sparker444 at November 4, 2006 6:51 PM
Oh come on, you can use more profanity than that, can't you?
Posted by: T at November 4, 2006 8:29 PM
What prompted the headline change? I personally liked "Ho Ho fuck you".
And as for "The Shaggy Dog", my oldest drug me to that one. Speaking of drugs, I seriously wish I were on them at the time!
Tim Allen movies = Pure Shit
Posted by: Uncle JR at November 4, 2006 10:03 PM
Uncle JR - which is a shame, because his book was pretty damn good.
or maybe i was high. who knows. i remember not hating it.
all this said, i agree emphatically with your end comment.
Posted by: S. at November 5, 2006 1:53 AM
As far as I'm concerned, the last convincing bit of acting Tim Allen did was the voiceover for Buzz Lightyear.
The man should stick to computer-generated cartoons.
Posted by: Genevieve at November 5, 2006 10:38 AM
Dustin,
Seriously...is that race track story really TRUE?? If so I am really sorry. That makes me so sad. If it is any consolation, my brother got one and those little cars didn't stay on for anything.
Posted by: karenann at November 5, 2006 12:00 PM
I thought "Bad Santa" was a great Christmas movie.
Posted by: Justin at November 5, 2006 12:02 PM
WHY does Tim Allen still have a movie career?
What moron at Disney keeps paying that schmuck to make movies? I will never take my kids to Disney World until Disney fires ass.
Oh, and Justin, the first half of "Bad Santa" was great, but then it had to get sappy with that bullied kid. The last real good Christmas movie was "The Ref" back in 1994.
Posted by: Laura at November 5, 2006 12:39 PM
OK, typo alert.
I meant to say "until Disney fires HIS ass"
Posted by: Laura at November 5, 2006 12:40 PM
Dustin, you deserve a fucking medal. Honestly, you're doing great work.
Posted by: Ricky at November 5, 2006 12:58 PM
Tim Allen sucks, and I refuse to see any movie he is in. BUT I "f"ing love Christmas movies. Even though I NEVER believed in Santa Claus, I loved "Miracle on 34th Street". Also, I can (and do) watch these damn movies whenever they're on [even pop in a DVD ocassionally when it isn't the Christmas season]:
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"
"It's A Wonderful Life"
"White Christmas"
"The Little Drummer Boy"
"Frosty the Snowman"
"A Christmas Carol"
"A Christmas Story"
"Home Alone"
And any number of cartoon Christmas specials.
As far as horror movies go, I have to say, I love "Black Christmas".
Christmas movies rock.
Posted by: Neeeeeeeeee at November 5, 2006 7:04 PM
Hey! Tim Allen sucks, and so do all of his movies, but Christmas movies rule.
"It's a Wonderful Life"
"A Christmas Carol"
"A Christmas Story"
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
"Frosty the Snowman"
"Little Drummer Boy"
"Miracle on 34th Street"
"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" (cartoon)
"Charlie Brown Christmas"
Any other cartoon's Christmas special (Smurfs, Flintstones, etc., etc)
"Black Christmas" :)
Christmas movies rule.
Posted by: Forget It! at November 5, 2006 7:09 PM
Come on all of you Grinches, give us your lists of fave Christmas fare...
Posted by: Forget It! at November 5, 2006 7:12 PM
Really liked "Tokyo Godfathers" for a new Xmas favourite. Anime movie by Satoshi Kon based on a Western called "3 Godfathers".
Not really sure if its appropriate for kids, but if you're looking for a funny, beautifully animated, Xmas miracle movie, check it out.
Posted by: Alex at November 5, 2006 9:44 PM
Poor Tim Allen... Is his contract with Disney so binding that he can't get out of crap movies without something more horrific happenning than the end of his career?
Then again he needs something to pay the bills since "Home Improvement" ended.... not that that show was high-brow entertainment either.
Posted by: Alex C. at November 6, 2006 12:22 AM
I've seen "Tokyo Godfathers" Alex, and I agree, it's a must see. It's funny, and very touching.
Another great one is "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." I can still remember Chevy Chase's psychotic rant near the end of the film. Cracks me up every time.
Posted by: Brie at November 6, 2006 2:20 AM
Another who liked the original Santa Clause movie. It was actually very well done.
I refuse to see this movie. I didn't see 2, either, because to me, the story was closed. (Though there was no resolution on the fact that Charlie apparently planned to kill his father when he grew up...)
Posted by: Shadowen at November 6, 2006 2:25 AM
"A Christmas Story" tears me up every time I see it.
Posted by: UncleJR at November 6, 2006 7:45 AM
"Blitzen farted, y'all! How's that for Christmas cheer? "
...classic. I'm sure Allen or Short or both each got it in the nuts at some point as well yes?
Posted by: johnboy at November 6, 2006 8:30 AM
The personal anecdote was seriously one of the saddest I've heard in a while. I thought we didn't have a lot of money growing up, but that story about the race track takes the cake.
That's not much of a comment. I don't know what else to say except I feel like I should send you and your loved ones a ham or something for the holiday season.
Posted by: ecp at November 6, 2006 10:15 AM
Every year, without fail, I drag out my family's old taped copy of "The Muppet Family Christmas." Funniest Christmas special ever, from back when the Muppets were still really funny. Even better, they bring the cast of Sesame Street and Fraggle Rock into it. Add to that the old taped early-80s commercials and it's a kick ass hour-long special.
My favorite moment:
Ernie: I'm Ernie, this is Bert!
Doc (the Fraggle Rock guy): My name's Doc, and this is Sprocket. It's nice to meet you both!
Bert: Did you know "Doc" begins with the letter D?
Doc: True.
Ernie: "True!" That begins with the letter T!
Doc: Okay, what is all this?
Bert: Well, where we come from, this is small talk.
Posted by: Sam at November 6, 2006 10:54 AM
Best Ever: Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas.
Animal puppets are always superior to Tim Allen in a fat suit.
Posted by: redkitten at November 6, 2006 12:05 PM
My Christmas movie/TV special list:
"A Christmas Carol" (starring Alistair Sim as Scrooge); "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (MST3K version); "The Lion in Winter" (magnificent movie); "The Blackadder Christmas Carol" (sheer brilliance); "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (pure schmaltz, but hey, it's Christmas)
Posted by: The Wanderer at November 6, 2006 12:42 PM
Dear Dustin -
I understand. I really do. But try - please, do give it your best and try one last time with the first of the series, The Santa Clause. If you liked Elf at all, you'll like this one.
Thanks,
Bees.
P.S. I will not being seeing this film, anymore than I saw Land Before Times 4-27 or Blades 2-16.
Posted by: thatbeeschick at November 6, 2006 1:18 PM
P.P.S. The Great Pumpkin won't ever let his good name be sullied by such franchises! Join us! Jooooin Uuuuuussss...
Posted by: thatbeeschick at November 6, 2006 1:19 PM
Dustin, funny ass review! I don't plan on watching it but my mother is nagging me to take her.
Why hasn't anyone listed "White Christmas?" That was a great old Christmas movie.
I'll be sure to check out "Tokyo Godfathers." I have a couple of anime-type friends to watch it with.
Posted by: Jorge at November 6, 2006 2:52 PM
Sam: I will sign divorce papers today if you will marry me. Remember the Sesame Street Christmas Special when Ernie and Bert did the Gifts of the Magi? Ernie was broke so he sold his rubber duckie to buy a box for Bert to keep his paper clip collection in and Bert was also broke so he sold his paper clip collection to buy a dish for Ernie's rubber duckie? I cried so much my eyes swelled closed. Luckily, they both sold their treasures to Mr. Hooper who then gifted them back at the end of the episode, but I barely remember that part given the swollen eyes. On a Christmas Carol, I presume everyone is referring to the definitive Alastair Sims version. No other comes close.
Posted by: Siobhan at November 6, 2006 3:27 PM
OMG! Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas! We would always watch it at our grandparent's house on Christmas Eve! Then my grandpa started calling it Copper Beaver's Junkyard Christmas, or Uncle Ferret's Ragtime Party, or Ice Cream Otter's Christmas Birthday. And we thought he was being funny, but it turned out to be Alzheimer's.
Posted by: Oskie at November 6, 2006 3:34 PM
Oskie-If you turn your story into a book, then I'll read it.
Posted by: anikitty at November 6, 2006 3:40 PM
That's easily the funniest review I've ever read! I loved the Playboy magazine story, and I actually laughed out loud at "Why doesn't Rudolph just take a shit on the roof of a house and Santa slip in it and fall to his death?"
I love you.
Posted by: Trilbynhiss at November 6, 2006 5:24 PM
It makes me feel good to know that when I'm low, I can come to this site and read your reveiws. Better than therapy.
I don't know if I'm a lame sap, but I like the muppet-version of 'the christmas carol'...
Posted by: ~Moi~ at November 6, 2006 6:55 PM
Dustin's childhood story broke my fucking heart; I thought us Black folks had it bad but the more white people I talk to with "drunk-ass redneck" white trash for parents, there's a whole new level of "shitty" that I'm made aware of. "And I even left the bearded bastard a portion of my Hamburger Helper dinner in lieu of cookies and milk we could not afford." Oh GAWD if that's not the saddest shit ever, thinking of poor young Justin sacrificing food so some fat white fuck would bring him presents! That aside, the rest of this review was funny as shit, and comedians who get clean are NOT FUCKING FUNNY! See: Robin Williams's latest, completely fucking annoying guest spot on Bill Maher last month, blah!
Posted by: SoCalGal25 at November 6, 2006 7:53 PM
WOW! I LOVED that Muppet Family Christmas show. My son used to watch it until July when we'd have to lock up the tape!
I also liked the first Santa Clause, and Christmas Vacation is a tradition in our house.
Posted by: carolc1225 at November 6, 2006 8:29 PM
Justin,
Great review, hated the second, my kids may force the third one on me but I will push them toward Happy Feet if I have to go to a movie with them. Anyway....loved Emmit Otter Christmas...but I am also a big fan of Scrooged...though sappy and yes Bobcat...there is some humor in that one.
Slot car story...yea it was the one thing I got one Christmas...Power Passers..if you snapped the trigger the cars would change lanes. Well my dad was divorced and dated some stoner who had this fd up kid. He stepped on my high banked turn and ruined my track. I beat his ass but my gift was fodder. Though not the same I do feel your pain
Posted by: rich at November 6, 2006 11:37 PM
Oops...sorry Dustin...wrong letter...was just holding a Justin...my bad.
Posted by: rich at November 6, 2006 11:38 PM
Anyone ever seen Scrooged? It was before Bill Murray became the king of ironic detachment. . .
Posted by: Kitty X at November 7, 2006 12:45 PM
Scrooged is one of my very favourite Christmas movies!! I MUST watch it every Christmas Eve! :)
I also love the Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation, and I like to watch While You Were Sleeping because it all happens around Christmas time. Plus, Bill Pullman! Siiigh!
Posted by: Loob at November 8, 2006 8:31 AM
the Muppet version of "A Christmas Carol" is excellent, Moi. its cute and funny enough for children (I love the two old puppets as the two Marley brothers, especially) but still pretty accurate to the original story, and Caine is a great Scrooge. I watch that one every year.
Posted by: Kat.. at November 8, 2006 3:30 PM
I know what you mean about the whole lack of "magical Christmas spirit" thing, Dustin-- that has never really existed in my world. My parents weren't big on holidays or decorating or anything that required much effort, so I got the same bag of twizzlers and bag of gummy bears every year. It was totally worth it though because now we don't bother with presents at all, which is nice when I see everyone else blowing their money on stupid crap for each other.
Posted by: peace pipe at November 8, 2006 7:54 PM
OMGAW seriously, tears running down my face I'm laughing so hard at this thread.
At the same time, I want to open a vein reading about some of these Christmases. I've never felt so conflicted in all my life.
Damn, I thought *I* had bad childhood Christmases. At least my parents stopped beating us for a few days. And we got stuff. Damn.
Ok, Oksie? I was trying to read your comment about Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas out loud to my friend, and I couldn't even GET through it without dissolving into laughter and she finally got annoyed and grabbed the laptop to read it herself. Now she's wetting herself.
Muppet Christmas Carol is the BEST VERSION EVER.
Elf rules.
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is a requirement in this house.
Emmet Otter, check.
You guys fucking kill me.
Posted by: Kathy at November 10, 2006 2:20 PM
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is hysterical - a yearly must-see growing up. My sister and I always say "The bless-ing" the way the grandfather says it at the table. I also pee my pants every time the squirrel comes flying out of the tree and, God help me, when the cat gets electrocuted.
Posted by: Samantha T at November 10, 2006 5:26 PM
"Eddie, if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised."
Posted by: Kathy at November 10, 2006 6:28 PM
"And in holiday news, the nation's suicide rate quadrupled overnight after FOX aired 'A Dustin Rowles Christmas'..." Meanwhile, Augusten Burroughs is sitting there going, "Damn, that shit's cold. Sorry, Dustin. I tend to sublimate my horror into inappropriate humor; I'm sure you understand. I hope your current Christmases are rocking.
As far as Tim Allen goes, I refuse to see anything else he's in, just to keep my good will from Galaxy Quest alive.
Posted by: Craig at November 11, 2006 10:43 AM
Dustin, you and and my husband have a lot in common. You were both drug up hard. You should have heard what he said to his mother the year she complained that we'd spent too much on Christmas presents for our daughter.
Anyway... I said in an earlier thread that my family wouldn't be seeing this and that my daughter would be curled up with her hot chocolate watching better movies. Here's the list:
A Christmas Story
It's a Wonderful Life
White Christmas
A Christmas Carol (The Sim version, which she loves so much I have to lock it up after Christmas or we'd watch it all year!)
A Muppet Christmas Carol
The Lion in Winter (props to the Wanderer... this movie is so good we invite all our friends over for a feast while we watch it!)
... and any stop-motion 30 minute musical animals and misunderstood toys specials we run across on TV
We're also trying a new thing this year some Saturday between Thanksgiving and Christmas... an open house, pot luck marathon of all three extended LOTR movies. They're not really Christmasy, but they have a certain life-affirming coziness that I think meshes well with the season.
I'm obvioulsy going to have to find my kid a copy of "Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas". Thanks for the heads up!
Posted by: mezzomom at November 13, 2006 11:25 AM
It's "Heat Miser", OK? Oy vey.
Posted by: terebi at November 13, 2006 7:03 PM
Chill...this movie is NOT FOR YOU!!!
DUMBASSES!!!
Posted by: Mim771 at November 17, 2006 8:07 PM
That is so rude! I mean i know that Santa Clause 3 was really boring and ovbious, but what if a small child who likes that movie reads this? What are you going to say? " Get over it and move on"? Or better yet "GET A LIFE! COMMON DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN SANTA!?" Yeah sure go ahead, crush a childs dream of magic and imaganation! COME ON!!!! Can you at least think of one good thing about that movie? Oh yeah, how did you find out all those things about the movie?I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS STUIPIDThat is so rude! I mean i know that Santa Clause 3 was really boring and ovbious, but what if a small child who likes that movie reads this? What are you going to say? " Get over it and move on"? Or better yet "GET A LIFE! COMMON DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN SANTA!?" Yeah sure go ahead, crush a childs dream of magic and imaganation! COME ON!!!! Can you at least think of one good thing about that movie? Oh yeah, how did you find out all those things about the movie?I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS STUIPID
Your annoying sister that you never had,
Kaci
Posted by: Kaci at November 27, 2006 9:44 PM
All I can say is, I'm absolutely thrilled that I didn't have a sister like you, Kaci.
-Most "small children" aren't allowed unrestricted internet access, and those that are would hardly go searching for a movie reveiw. And what self-respecting parent would let a child of that age read a movie blog with "Bitchy" in the title?
-They are expressing thier opinion, as they have every right to do. You may have liked the movie, they may not have. Leave the flame wars to the teenyboppers.
Posted by: ~Moi~ at November 28, 2006 4:48 PM
please could you tell me when santa clause 3 comes out as soon as possible seening as i need to get as soon as possible
Posted by: ayisha at December 1, 2006 11:45 AM
yeooo.....lolololol
Posted by: jimmy at December 2, 2006 12:13 PM
Okay, I know I am way late to the comments here, seeing as it's Jan 1.
But at the top of any "vomit inducing Christmas List" is The Star Wars Christmas Special. So bad that George Lucas actually managed to virtually stamp out every sign that it ever existed. One of my professors had a bootleg copy he brought in to let us watch while we were editing, so I couldn't give it my full attention, but it was something about the Evil Empire destroying Christmas. Yes. Seriously.
Posted by: Ari at January 1, 2007 7:44 PM
please can i have that movie
Posted by: dalton at February 13, 2007 12:06 PM