Ted Cruz Out.jpg

This Isn't Goodbye, It's Just Smell You Later: A Ted Cruz Love Letter

By Emily Chambers | Politics | May 4, 2016 |


Ted Cruz Out.jpg

By now you’ve probably heard that Ted Cruz suspended his presidential campaign last night. And while I’m sure that’s cause for celebration in some circles, I’m not here to gloat over the end of his bid. I’m here to mourn the loss that was that catastrophic shit show, to look back fondly at the comedic gold it produced, and to hopefully remember that Ted Cruz is still a goddamn senator and we’ll still have to live with his varying levels of human-impostering bullshit for years to come. Don’t cry because it’s over, Ted. Cry because these unimaginably awkward moments actually happened.

(I encourage readers to set some mood music. The old standards are suitable, but to fully appreciate the celebratory aspect of this post, only one song will do.)

Basketball Ring

In-Touch Father



In-Touch Son

In-Touch Husband (Holy Shit Did You Just Accidentally Punch Your Wife In The Face?)


This Moment of Sublimity Brought To You By Cruz For President


No, Seriously, Did You Really Punch And Elbow Your Wife In The Face?

Hopefully Cruz For President 2020 Will Have His Hand Holding Protocols Updated

Before You Start To Feel Too Bad For Awkwardin’ Ted, Remember He’s A Terrible Hate-Monger

And One More Time For The Cheap Seats

Why Am I Persecuted?

Pssst … it’s because you’re horrible.

Emily Chambers just hopes someone will continue to update Cruz’s website designed for Human Outreach.


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