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The White House Confirms that Donald Trump Is an Inbred Cheeto

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | February 4, 2019 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | February 4, 2019 |


911-angela-bassett-fox-9-1-1.jpeg

Over the weekend, The New York Times decided to do a deep dive on all the hundreds of children who have been separated from their parents and are now living with other families and quantify the psychological damage the White House has inflicted upon … oh wait. Nope. Sorry. They didn’t do that. The New York Times used their considerable resources to root out the mystery behind Trump’s orange glowing skin, which mysteriously maintains its glow even in the dead of winter despite Trump’s inability to return to Mar-a-Lago during the shutdown.

Unfortunately, despite those considerable resources, the Times could not locate or find anyone else who could locate the presence of a tanning bed in the White House.

But according to three people who have spent time in the White House residence, no such bed or spray-tan booth exists in a hidden nook of the residence, a cranny of the East Wing or a closet on Air Force One. Two senior White House officials insisted that no such apparatus exists.

The Times was thus left to conclude that it must be self-tanning creams.

Aside from a tanning bed, another plausible theory is that Mr. Trump uses self-tanning creams or lotions. Dr. Tina Alster, a top Washington dermatologist who said she had treated officials in every White House, including this one, posited that the president, whom she does not treat, was using tanning creams or sprays to achieve his look.

“He looks more orangy than he does tan,” a telltale sign, Dr. Alster said.

The White House, of course, offers another explanation: That’s just his natural color.

The official line from the White House, as with other matters surrounding the president’s physical health and appearance, is that Mr. Trump’s glow is the result of “good genes,” according to a senior administration official who would speak only on the condition of anonymity.

Here’s my theory: He doesn’t use a tanning bed or tanning creams. That’s the Fox News tan — or, what sitting in the glow of a television screen all day does to one’s face.

Mostly, though, I just wrote this post as an excuse to feature this tweet, because I felt like ruining your day.

You’re welcome!

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.



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