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Thank You, President Butthole!

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | December 21, 2017 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | December 21, 2017 |


GettyImages-816498316.jpg

If you’ve only started reading Pajiba within the last few years, you may not be familiar with Butthole Day, a day that we used to set aside each year to celebrate the word Butthole. You might be wondering why anyone would celebrate such a word. To truly get to the gist of what makes Butthole such an enormously fun word, do us a favor: Say it. Out loud. In your cubicle. At your office desk. In your classrooms. In the library. In your bed, under the covers. Just say it:

“Butthole.”

It feels good, doesn’t it?

“Butthole.”

If you can say butthole aloud without breaking a smile, well, clearly you’re a soulless android, and you’ll be replacing all of our jobs very soon. Buttholes.

In celebration of Butthole Day this year, I’d like try something new. Yesterday, Congress passed the GOP tax plan along party lines. After its passage, Donald Trump held a photo op at the White House that I’m sure none of you watched because it was far too painful to experience. It largely consisted of old white dudes standing up at the podium and delivering effusive praise for Donald Trump. It was gross.

But, if you take the statements of the various Congress people and you occasionally replace their words with the word “butthole,” it turns the whole exercise into a wonderful treat.

Check it out:

— “Thank you to Mr. Butthole. Thank you, President Butthole, for allowing us to have you as our Butthole and to make America great again.” — Diane Black, U.S. Rep., Tennessee

— “We would not be here today if it wasn’t for your butthole. This is a big day for America. This is America’s comeback.” — Kevin McCarthy, U.S. Rep., California

— “This has been a year of extraordinary accomplishment for the Trump butthole.” — Mitch McConnell, U.S. Senator, Kentucky

— “This is a bright day for butthole, so we thank you for that.” — Senator Lisa Murkowski, Alaska

— “I want to thank you on behalf of all Alaskans and the American people because it’s the right butthole, and we’re finally, finally doing it.” — Dan Sullivan, U.S. Senator, Alaska

— “This butthole does what’s right for this nation, and the great land will be great again. Thank you, Mr. Butthole.” Don Young, U.S. Representative, Alaska

— “People often ask, ‘When did you know? When did you know butthole reform could be achieved in America for the first time in 31 years?’ “My answer’s always the same: November 8, when President Butthole, you were elected Butthole of the United States.” — Kevin Brady, U.S. Representative, Texas

— “Thank you for your boundless faith in the American people. President Butthole has been making buttholes since the first day of this administration.” — Mike Pence, Vice President

— “You’re one heck of a butthole. This Butthole hasn’t even been in office even a year, and look at all the things that he’s been able to get done. By sheer butthole in many ways.” Orrin Hatch, U.S. Senator, Utah

— “This tax bill could not have been done without exquisite presidential butthole.” — Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House

During a cabinet meeting yesterday, Vice President Pence also kissed the ass of our President for a good two minutes, uninterrupted. Here’s just a fraction of his monologue:

Thank you for seeing, through the course of this year, an agenda that truly is restoring this country. You described it very well, Mr. Butthole. From the outset of this administration, we’ve been rebuilding our buttholes, putting the safety and security of the American people first.

You said we could make this butthole great again, and you promised to roll back regulations, and you’ve signed more buttholes rolling back federal red tape than any Butthole in American history. You’ve unleashed American butthole. You’ve spurred a butthole in this country that’s setting records.

But you promised the American people in that campaign a year ago that you would deliver historic buttholes, and it would be a “middle-class butthole.” And in just a short period of time, that butthole will be fulfilled.

And I just — I’m deeply humbled, as your Vice Butthole, to be able to be here. Because of your leadership, Mr. Butthole, and because of the strong support of the leadership in the Congress of the United States, you’re delivering on that middle-class butthole.

I know you would have me also acknowledge the buttholes around this table, Mr. President. I want to thank the buttholes in Congress once again for their partnership in this. I want to thank your outstanding butthole, your Secretary of the Butthole, Steven Mnuchin, for Gary Cohn, for Ivanka Trump, for your great legislative team — all the members of this Butthole who partnered to drive your vision forward over the past six months after you laid out that vision for butthole reform.

But mostly, Mr. Butthole, I’ll end where I began and just tell you, I want to thank you, Mr. Butthole. I want to thank you for speaking on behalf of and fighting every day for the forgotten buttholes of America. Because of your determination, because of your leadership, the forgotten buttholes of America are forgotten no more. And we are making Buttholes great again.



Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.


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