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Power Ranking GOP's Best Dad Bods

By Grainger Heavensbee | Politics | April 1, 2017 |


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It’s that time of the year again: the flowers are in bloom, April shower are getting ready to bring May flowers, and everyone on Twitter is…twitterpated. It’s also time for The Hill’s 50 Most Beautiful People nominations. Yes, this is a real thing and not an event that the folks on Veep made up. Listen, I’m not saying that The Hill’s ranking of the hottest congressional staffers is eye-opening in terms of the “DC is Hollywood for ugly people” stereotype, but I’m not NOT saying it either. Voting for this year’s list begins Monday so I thought I’d get the ball started with presenting 10 of the Greatest Dad Bods of GOP. Let’s do this.

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1. Donald Trump
HOMETOWN:
Queens
AGE:
70
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Married
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Republican
LIKES:
Finger puppets, family outings to Trump Properties, team building exercises in Russia, well-done steaks, the English language, water sports, and golf
DISLIKES:
Basic human decency, words, fake news, well fitting suits, people with bigger hands, human rights, anyone not rich, white, or a dude

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2. Steve Bannon
HOMETOWN:
Norfolk,VA
AGE:
63
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Single (ladies!)
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Republican
LIKES:
World destruction, dismantling democracy, rigid skin care regimen
DISLIKES:
Children, rigid skin care regimen, the hose again when he doesn’t put the lotion on

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3. Donald Trump Jr.
HOMETOWN:
Manhattan
AGE:
39
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Married
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Republican
LIKES:
Nepotism
DISLIKES:
Chairs and nature

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4. Paul Ryan
HOMETOWN:
Janesville, WI
AGE:
47
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Married
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Republican
LIKES:
Gainz
DISLIKES:
Leg day, flips flops

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5. Roger Stone
HOMETOWN:
Norwalk, CT
AGE:
64
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Single
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Libertarian
LIKES:
Cravats, spats, haberdashers, milliners, Nixon
DISLIKES:
Store brands, the color khaki, flip flops

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6. Mike Pence
HOMETOWN:
Columbus, IN
AGE:
57
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Married
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Republican
LIKES:
Romantic dinners with Mother
DISLIKES:
Dinners with literally anyone else

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7. Sean Spicer
HOMETOWN:
North Hempstead, NY
AGE:
45
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Married
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Republican
LIKES:
Gum, salads, Love, Actually
DISLIKES:
Facts

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8. Mitch McConnell
HOMETOWN:
Sheffield, AL
AGE:
75
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Married
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Republican
LIKES:
Plants that grow in the water, small insects, snails, worms, and even dead marine animals and fish
DISLIKES:
Basic algebra and McConnell’s natural predator is rhythm and blues

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9. Ted Cruz
HOMETOWN:
Calgary, Canada
AGE:
46
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Married
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Republican
LIKES:
Puzzles, cyphers, astrology, novels by Richard Connell, cans of soup, and long walks in the park
DISLIKES:
Unflattering sketches of himself

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10. Sean Hannity
HOMETOWN:
New York City, NY
AGE:
55
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Married
PARTY AFFILIATION:
Republican
LIKES:
The treats he gets when he performs the tricks his GOP handlers taught him
DISLIKES:
Dignity, self-respect

Happy voting!


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