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A Conversation Between a Fictional Reporter and a Fictional Democrat

By Fictional Democrat | Politics | October 23, 2018 |

By Fictional Democrat | Politics | October 23, 2018 |


GettyImages-72746106.jpg

Reporter: While Trump’s approval ratings are still underwater, they have risen in recent weeks. How do you explain that?

Democrat: This has very little to do with Trump. Trump has been historically unpopular through most of his presidency while the focus was on him. As we get closer to the midterms, people revert to their camps, and instead of maintaining the focus on Trump’s disastrous presidency, the media turns their attention to the horserace. To sell more newspapers and generate more clicks, they create the illusion of a race, and that illusion becomes a reality.

Reporter: So, Trump has nothing to do with it?

Democrat: Yes, and no. Trump is a shitbag. Eighty percent of the country does not dispute that. Republicans aren’t voting for Trump. They’re voting against Democrats.

Reporter: Why is that?

Democrat: Because Republicans are better at branding. They’ve always been better at branding. We can point out 100 different ways in which Trump has screwed the country, but he can neutralize all of them with a dumb nickname. He’s very good at keeping the attention on himself and using that attention to brand the Democrats or stoke fears.

Reporter: But the economy is doing well.

Democrat: Sure. It’s pretty cyclical, though, isn’t it? Have you noticed a pattern going back to George H.W. Bush? The Republicans run the economy into the ground, the Democrats fix it, and the Republicans ride the wave of Democratic policies for a few years until their changes run it back into the ground, although wealthy people always seem to come out of these cycles even more wealthy than before. Still, Clinton and Obama inherited terrible economies. Bush and Trump inherited booming economies. Ask me about the Trump economy in two years. Not that any of this matters.

Reporter: What do you mean?

Democrat: Republicans aren’t voting for Trump because of the economy. Sure, unemployment is down and the stock market is up, but the biggest beneficiary of the current economy has been corporations and the wealthy. Everybody else has a job, but how many more people have a career now? Wages have not increased. Republicans aren’t voting on the economy.

Reporter: Then what are they voting for?

Democrat: They’re not voting for anything. They’re voting against Democrats.

Reporter: OK. We’re circling back to that again. Why is that?

Democrat: They think we’re evil.

Reporter: Why?

Democrat: Because Republicans have branded us as evil. Look: Republicans believe that we’re going to take away their identity or something. They think we’re going to flood the country with immigrants, that we’re going to turn the entire country gay or trans or something, and then we’re going to take away their guns, and they won’t be able to defend themselves against, I dunno … the angry left mob, who are going to attack Republicans with our picket signs and our sushi rolls.

Look: Obviously that’s absurd. I think it comes down to this: Democrats are sharers. We want everyone to have the same rights. We want to afford everyone the same dignity, and the same opportunities. We’re also more willing to share our massive resources with people from other countries. Historically, that’s been good for the United States, regardless of whatever made-up crime statistics Trump is citing.

Fundamentally, I think that Republicans like the way things are. That they want to keep what they have, and that they don’t want to share it with everyone else, whether that be in the form of taxes or civil rights or jobs.

Reporter: But what about abortion?

Democrat: Right? Well, that’s a big wedge issue, and if you’re anti-choice, and if that issue is a priority for you, then there is not much we can do for you. We believe that everyone should have the right to that choice — conservatives can choose not to have abortions, and Democrats can choose to have them or not. That should not be a choice left to the government to decide. Women should be allowed to do what they want with their bodies without government interference. This is what Trump believed for decades, until he decided to run for President.

Reporter: Well, how do you get that Democratic message out?

Democrat: It’s tough, you know. The GOP brands us as evil, and the media plays along. The media creates this narrative of two villains facing each other. It’s rarely about the best intentions of either party. The narrative is about what horror will beset the Democrats if Republicans win and vice versa.

Reporter: Do you think Republicans are evil?

Democrat: I think Trump is evil. I think Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz are evil. Steve King is evil. I think anyone who tries to treat others as unequal is evil. I think that people who try to capitalize financially off of the incarceration of black men is evil. I think separating children from their families is evil. I think that people who don’t want to share are selfish. I think that Republican leaders have tried to make their voters feel scared, and I think that fear has taken the form of racism and bigotry. But I think that we’re scared, too. We’re scared of their guns. We’re scared of their bigotry. We’re scared of the way they dismiss sexual assault. We’re scared of the way that white men wield their power against people who are not white men, and I think that fear has taken the form of animosity.

Reporter: You’re a white man.

Democrat: Yeah, I am. And I’m not scared for myself. I’m going to be just fine. But I’m scared for everyone else. Again, Democrats are sharers. Or we try to be. And I’m scared for other people who are not white men because I care about them. And I don’t think that Trump supporters do care about them. And that’s what scares me, because in a lot of cases, it’s not that they just don’t care. It’s that they’re actively hostile toward those who are not like them. And that’s terrifying. I don’t know how else to put it. People shouldn’t have to be afraid because of the color of their skin, or their sexual identity, or because of what country they are born in, and Trump supporters make them afraid.

Reporter: I’m sorry. We’re going to have to cut this interview short. There’s BREAKING NEWS. Trump has just tweeted that a caravan coming through Mexico will invade our country and eat our babies. Can I just get your quick thoughts on this, Democrat? Why do you not care about Central Americans eating our babies?

Democrat: *sigh*



Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.



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