Pajiba

I have to wonder who would be the perfect match for Brendan Fraser...

A toaster perhaps, as long as it wasn't one of those thinking ones that gets your toast just right. Just pair him up with something shiny and we're done.

That header picture will gnaw the ass off my dreams for a good long while.

And although it might affect our level of badassery appearance-wise, I definitely think we should consider a "Murder SmartCar". Because who give a shit about how badass someone looks when their disemboweling you with their "Murder SmartCar"

Feed the Troll huh?

Ryan Reynolds is a no-talent ass clown who needs to work on his abs.

"they're"

geez, I join clubs that bitch over that.

I thought the MurderTank ran on the blood of its not-so-innocent victims.

OK, so what is the stupid plot twist in Hancock? Spoilers, please, since I'm not going to waste my money on this movie. Do Smith and Batemate become lovers, and Charlize go all "My SuperBitch Girlfriend" on them or what? I'm going to guess you still don't have internet and won't answer me.

We need an electric MurderTank.

Put some solar panels on top and we're good to go. Seriously, have you ever heard an electric lawnmower? Didn't think so. Those things are shit-quiet.

An electric MurderTank would be the balls - silent enough to sneak up on our enemies, and deadly enough to blow a whole lotta shit up.

I wonder if you can make armoured solar panels?

BWeaves, check The Movie Spoiler.

Also, the MurderZepplin has a very low carbon load, and is mostly flammable in case of... emergencies. Yeah, emergencies. Less than 2% smoldering wreckage by volume.

I can claim to remembering the commericals for Get Smart, Again!. Never caught an episode though.

And as for your connections and cursor moving troubles, you need to get you a rectalmouse. Moving the cursor amounts to dancing the merengue. Its not only good fun, its good for you. It is just one button though, unless you have special ass clenching super powers.

Once again, the MurderDinghy is on call. Fueled by low-cost anger and paddles, at a decent tampoon-launching range, the LTE's are at your disposal.

I'm still waiting on the first headline on usatoday.com of some idiot who shoots someone (or something) inappropriately while trying to "curve a bullet"

hell. i was even trying to curve my roman candle on friday.

Ooh, ooh--I want a MurderSegWay! That would be super-cool! Although twig, you make an excellent argument for the MurderZeppelin.

Hey, remember the diversion where we all wrote song lyrics we misunderstood? Well, the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary has added a new word: mondegreen.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/07/07/new.dictionary.words.ap/index.html

'And then there's "mondegreen." In a category of its own, it describes words mistaken for other words. A mondegreen most often comes from misunderstood phrases or lyrics.

It comes from an old Scottish ballad in which the lyric "laid him on the green" has been confused over time with "Lady Mondegreen." '

Behold! The MurderVespa!

http://www.darkroastedblend.com/2006/12/mystery-photo-one-seriously-empowered.html

In actual deployment with the French Army back in the 50s (the ammunition was carried by another scooter, apparently; two-man teams to operate it).

the Murder TARDIS needs only the energy from an artificial black hole.

the Murder TARDIS needs only the energy from an artificial black hole.

and it's big enough for everybody!

the MurderTARDIS needs only the energy from an artificial black hole.

and it's big enough for everybody!

oops. my bad.

That entry for Wall-E is beautiful.

I'm actually going to see that later tonight, despite never being willing to pay to see an animated flick on the bigscreen. The little guy's gotten to me! I hope I like it.

God, I go to way too many movies.

Holy Jesus, I really want to shake that baby. Ergh.

Anyone really care if I spoil Hancock?

Okay, highlight it if you really want to know.

*spoilersandstuff*

Hancock's friend's wife is part of an ancient race, like him, but for some reason they lose their powers when they get close to each other. So she married some other dude to prevent Hancock from losing his shit. She's his other half and stuff so they're drawn to each other.

Yup, shitballs retarded.

Wow. That, um, didn't work.

Fucking html tags.

Jaci, you just made my morning. Hilarious.

I thought that the MT ran on the bad ideas spawned by Hollywood.

Jaci, that sounds bad. Really bad.

Hee! I had the same problem when we moved house four years ago. We had signed up in advance for a Comcast package that ensured the day one moved in ones cable and Internet would be working perfectly. We had nothing. Thankfully, we live near a Panera that doesn't charge for WiFi (as opposed to Starbucks and the TMobile gouge package). Three weeks later it was finally determined that the Comcast agent had connected the wrong side of the cable to the house and to the box on the pole outside. And of course because we had technically "connected", they wouldn't credit us for the three weeks of no service.

Jaci, if people aren't required to Use the Google, they'll become weak and complacent and end up writing long posts about how they don't know what 'NSFW' means and why DOESN'T the internet have a slow lane and then it's just catastrophe and tulmut, cats and dogs living together...

Give a Hoot. Use the Google.

That sounds like Comcast, Paddy.

I hate Comcast. I would rather not have internet than deal with Comcast. I have to use them though, because AT&T is slightly less competent. AT&T will not give my little street, which is 10 houses total, a frickin' DSL wire. Every single street within a 10 mile radius has AT&T DSL. Me? NO. Of course, they also have no future plans to install the wire for my street either.

I hate all telecom companies. All of them.

Look, a MurderVespa would be adorable and a MurderSegeway would be hilarious, but I have an idea that I want to put out there. Something... unique. Something classy. Something to delight the highbrow and the seven year old girl alike!

...

The MurderPony.

Melody: a link for you.

"It's kind of a long story but I hate MCI, they're a bunch of filthy scum LIARS."

I have yet to be b0rked over by Comcast personally but I've heard some wonderful, wonderful stories.

I switched from Comcast to Verizon FiOS recently, which is super great except that they require a special router if you want wireless, and the router they gave us absolutely bloooooooows. It's rated for, like, 15 feet.

Which isn't terribly useful.

I tell you, there's no winning in this world.

Seriously, y'all. Think about it. I bet it would keep the grass trimmed, and we'd have the best rosebushes on the internet!

(Speaking of -- TWO WEEKS without regular internet access??? Oh Godtopus, Dustin, that's terrible. Please try not to go all clocktower on us.)

Holy Jesus, I really want to shake that baby. Ergh.

Look at those eyes. Somebody already shook the shit out of that baby.

I'm in on whatever zombie attack TK and Melody would like to plan against telecom companies. I'll even go over the top first and clear a path for the rest of you if you want. Perhaps my only consolation when I think of the coming energy apocalypse (which I am convinced is on the way) is that the Telecoms will be among the first to go.

A columnist in San Francisco was collecting mondegreens for a while. Seems to have ended unfortunately.

http://www.sfgate.com/columnists/carroll/mondegreens.shtml

that they require a special router if you want wireless, and the router they gave us absolutely bloooooooows. It's rated for, like, 15 feet.

I already have a good router for my wireless that has nothing to do with the Comcast POS. All I want is an internet connection that will not go down on a crystal clear, sunshiny day.

Is that so much to ask?

Thanks twig. I enjoyed that. If you are ever wanting to know why that old lady took a hammer to her local Comcast office, just search for Comcast complaints. The results can keep someone busy for days.

I would pay actual money for a Murder Vespa Pajiba
t-shirt and a Murder Pony one in rainbow colors for the 9 year old niece.

Paddy, I am all for it.

Can we go to ATT first so I can ask again why my little street has no DSL line?

This is the story about the old lady with hammer vs. Comcast. It is fun reading.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/17/AR2007101702359.html

Thanks Twig and Jaci. I did go to Movie Spoilers, but it takes forever to read through all that crap. I just wanted a quick little, "and the twist is . . ." in 30 words or less. Anyway, the twist is very unoriginal. People have been writing the "if you have a lover you loose your powers" thang for years. Sir Galihad, Superman, etc. etc. So if she knew they'd loose their powers, why didn't SHE go away instead of chasing him around? (Rhetorical question. No need to answer.)

If you are ever wanting to know why that old lady took a hammer to her local Comcast office, just search for Comcast complaints. The results can keep someone busy for days.

I LOVE that story.

Holy smokes, I LOVE the MurderPony idea! I just want to go out and buy a My Little Pony so that I can corrupt it into the Pajiba MurderPony(TM)!

I'm kind of picturing a goth version of Bart Simpson's horse, Furious D....

Pssst, MO(meaux): http://www.gofish.com/player.gfp?gfid=30-1040218

Gah-dammit, big brother website-blocking software won't let me see that link, Paleo. I'll check it from home this eve.

Too bad, I was kind of hoping it'd be a spectacular time-waster....slowwww day at the office!

As other people have been saying, thank you Jaci. I would been otherwise tempted to shell out 9 bucks to see what this shit-balls plot twist could be.

I would have been so pissed to lose that money.

Have we ever considered a MurderTank ZipCar option? It would be so handy to be able to go on a murderous rampage without worrying about where to park afterwards.

I know it's terrible to say, but is anyone else giggling with glee that The Love Guru isn't anywhere even near the Box Office Round-Up this week?

$1.7 million this week, on over 2,600 screens for a whopping $650 per screen average. $29 million total box office, with a $62 million production cost plus a rumored additional $25 million in promotional costs?!? I don't know about you, but this is causing me far more comedy than the giant turd that is the Love Guru could ever hope to.

The best part of this Ishtar-level bomb is that we may never have to hear from Mike Myers again. His 12-year old's sense of humor has worn out its welcome, and he could be the biggest hack in Hollywood (with of course, the usual nod to the lava flow of never-ending shit that is Paul Haggis).

Why the hate towards the Panda? All it tries to do is be entertaining, and it does that very well.

the MurderTARDIS needs only the energy from an artificial black hole.

and it's big enough for everybody!

Uh-uh. Can't use the TARDIS for such nefarious purposes. The Doctor would be pissed.

Why the hate towards the Panda? All it tries to do is be entertaining, and it does that very well.

Anyone order a can of worms? Ugh.

Simple Adam C - given the opportunity, Pandas will move into your home, poop on your bed, eat all your condiments and brutally violate your/your neighbors pets. They use your toothbrush and leave chunks of meat in the bristles. They scootch their butts across your carpet, leaving tough stains. They stab mailmen, piss in the fireplace, stretch out underwear, dig holes in the carpet, steal your car and return it with an empty tank, tape over your recorded programs, fuck up your TiVo schedules, spill cranberry juice, engage in phone filth with your exes, and slaughter mailmen/women, leaving a trail of entrails strewn about your front yard.

Screw pandas.

This will probably get me slapped but I agree with Adam C about Kung Fu Panda. I laughed more and louder during Kung Fu Panda then I did watching WALL-E. WALL-E gains points for having more endearing characters and a better story, but it loses just as many for the bash you over the head moral message.

@PaleoLithchick - the Murder Pony idea is beyond awesome! I wholeheartedly support the Murder Pony movement.

"Meanwhile, after two weeks, Wanted is headed toward $150 million plus, and Angelina Jolie's biggest box-office grosser to date."

Hey sorry to point this out but wanted will not be Angelina Jolie's biggest hit. MR. and Mrs. Smith grossed just over 186 million domestic 478 worldwide, I don´t think wanted has what it takes to surrpase it domesticly or worldwide.

I had to know, and a spoiler website just wouldn't cut it. I wanted to see this plot twist first hand, and I think at least $10 million of Hancock's weekend gross came from people just like myself, people whose sense of curiosity was more powerful than their common sense.

Yes, that was me. Except I fortunately did it as part of a triple feature and didn't have to loathe myself for $11 wasted.

Divinity,
I totally read that as "tampon-launching range" and flashed back to when I worked as a nanny. For two boys. Who found their mother's box of tampons and thought they made the best missiles EVER. So I'm sitting here thinking "That IS really impressive!"

I'm so tired.

Ok, just missed out on a lot, but totally found my new personal choice for MurderVehicle(TM). As I have always been partial to these meself, I give you, the MURDERBUG!!!! (TM)

http://youlookfunny.blogspot.com/

That's true, he'll park your ass in the Phantom Zone with the Family of Blood or take away your super powers.

But I'm sure The Master would have no problem flying the MurderTARDIS. He'll have to work on that next time he shows up.

Might just be me and the weekend I passed slumped over Satan's wet bar, but that little troll creature looks alarmingly like Seth Rogan's big mug in the Knocked Up poster not too far above it- just the expression is somewhat inverted. It's the police sketch of the projected spawn of the Rogan; gotta have that shit on file, apparently.

And count me as one of the contributers to Hancock's gross purely for the curiosity factor. I think of that four bucks as a charitable donation to the screenwriters' rehabilitation or next bottle of lighter fluid.

Also, one of the pre-show pieces of movie trivia was about WALL-E, that churched-up hunk of scrap metal, being modeled on the Pixar lamp. Am I the only person who will admit to seeing Short Circuit, the only one who yelled "Number Five is alive!" whenever WALL-E recovered from a mishap? Am I the only one who believes animated features go hand-in-hand with spiked concession stand drinks?

You mean I've spent all day building a MurderRickshaw for nothing?

katy- i'm sure the Doctor would be able to see that our purpose isn't nefarious, but rather, for the betterment of humanity. he'd totally be down with that.

Oh Sharon!

When Aunt Flow first started visiting me, my Mom told me to throw my tampon applicators in the garbage can in the garage, and not in the little dustbin in the bathroom. Apparently my little brother's GI Joe's had brand new rocket launchers and they were (ahem) battle scarred already.

I thought the TARDIS already was a MurderTARDIS. It's been responsible for wiping out all the Daleks right before killing off Christopher Eckleston.

OK, all but 4 Daleks.

That's true, he'll park your ass in the Phantom Zone with the Family of Blood or take away your super powers.

But I'm sure The Master would have no problem flying the MurderTARDIS. He'll have to work on that next time he shows up.

I certainly don't want to be stuck in a mirror or turned into a scarecrow for eternity. Jay, I can't even deal with thoughts of the Master after Saturday. I am overwhelmed with grief here!

Can I have a ride on the MurderRickshaw?

Damn formatting.

The TARDIS didn't kill nobody; Rose used the Time Vortex, which is not technically the TARDIS, to erase the Daleks and bring Jack back to life. The Doctor then absorbed the Vortex so Rose wouldn't die. Also, the Cult of Skaro wasn't there.

Christ on stilts, I'm a dork. And it's been raining forever and I need to go to the beach.

hey don't knock the Get Smart remake!!!!!! My sister was one of the kid agents on that show hahahaha! She said that even then Andy Dick was...well...he was a dick lol

Thank you Pajibans for all the great links. I now have a new hero in Mona Shaw. I'd like to turn her loose on my local Charter office. And My Apocolypse Pony absolutely appeals to my warped sense of humor.

For those who want to be spoiled w/out reading the entire plot, you could try moviepooper .com. The descriptions are quick and to the point.

Nicole. I knew all that, but didn't think anyone else did, and didn't want to let loose my inner dork. I've been watching Dr. Who since 1964 and I've seen episodes that don't even exist any more. Sob!

Sure, just dangle that missing Troughton over my head, BWeaves. I want to see "The Wheel In Space"! Poor guy.

BWeaves, honey, come on over and sit with me and Jay. We're full on Who geeks.

Skit, you just described an ex-girlfriend not a panda. Granted, I liked WALL-E a heck of a lot better then the Panda, but it was a good movie not deserving of such bilious scorn. Save that flavor of scorn (along with the nacho cheese flavored), for truly deserving targets such as anything with Meryl Streep or Mel Gibson in it.

Aw, well Kolby, hopefully giving you the giggles made your unholy terror the prettiest baby this side of the Zopocolypse.

Holy fucking Allah, that murderbug is the scariest damn thing....

I want to ram it into the nearest Walgreens.

By, the way, anyone who's bored and/or drunks off their keister tonight, call 877-279-3395 and demand to speak to Captain Bundle. Ask for a supervisor when they refuse. I used to work at that call center for Charter. The number is like, a direct link. It's AWESOME.

Do it. Just do it.

Btw, twig, it is my solemn duty to serve every single lazy shit who asks a favor. Ever. It's why I'm so popular on yahoo answers.

Except for Bweaves, cuz they aint a lazy shit. They a niiiiiice person. (I don't know what gender you are yet, Bweaves is kind of gender neutral.) But I'm just kidding about the lazy shit thing.

*shifty eyes*

*raises hand* I can remember seeing Get Smart, Again! Several episodes...I was young...I didn't get most of the jokes...

Dustin, I'm late to the party, but I had to say, go to the library for wifi! Seriously, most libraries in America now offer free wifi. It's free! When I moved (before I started work at the library and before my internet was hooked up), I'd bring my laptop and hide in the stacks. Just find a quiet corner and compute. Try to avoid sitting by the smelly guy staring vacantly into space for hours on end. Usually he's harmless, but every four weeks or so, he'll snap and start yelling and throwing things. (Trust me, every library in America has their version of this guy.)

If you were in your car I'll assume you have a laptop, but don't have a power cord all strung out across the floor. That's a safety hazard and I'll ask you to move to one of the tables where outlets are available. I'd rather not even have to bother.

If the tables are full then use your damn battery for a while!

But yes, most likely there is a free wireless connection there. But why do I keep getting picked on as the one to solve connection problems? I don't even like laptops and don't want to own or use one! Help someone out once and you're damned. Oy!

At my library, his name is actually Homeless Bob. I'm not even kidding. He's the only hobo in a town of 25,000 people. He rides his bike around downtown and harasses people at the movie theatre.