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Zombies And Nazis And ... Snowy Places OH MY!

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (47)

nazi-zombies.jpeg

I’m going to start the column with this story because you lovelies are a fickle lot and bored easily and if you click on any link today, I want it to be this one. (Also, stow your TL;DR impulse just this once.) In the summer of 2009, Pajiban Madeleine Roux began a fiction blog about a young woman during the zombie apocalypse. When Madeleine asked the then Pajiba Love link wench to feature it in the column one day, not only did the blog hits skyrocket, but St. Martins/Macmillan published the blog as the novel Allison Hewitt is Trapped. It goes on sale today! BEHOLD THE POWER OF YOU CLEVER PAJIBANS!!! Getting a book published is so damned difficult these days so all the congratulations in the world to the obviously talented Madeleine. I think you know what you need to do next, my little bookworms. Click on the link and buy that book. Heck, buy four. Christmas is only, like, eleven months away. (Amazon)

Are you jazzed? I’m jazzed. If I knew Madeleine personally and had, you know, some money and if this booze were actually for sale, I’d buy her a bottle of Shackleton’s whisky. It’s at least hundred years old AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO DRINK IT. (BBC)

Oh! Oh! Maybe I could buy her one of Starbucks’ new Trenta-sized coffees. Who doesn’t want a steaming hot tureen o’ Joe? (National Post)

And maybe she likes it sweet? So we could carefully stack these cubes in it whilst playing “Korobeiniki”?! CLASSICAL MUSIC EARWORM’D! (Badass Digest)

Ok, I’m done talking about beverages and their accessories. Let’s talk about Hitler instead. That’s never not funny, right Ricky Gervais? (TBS)

So I’ve heard extraordinarily good things about the Hunger Games trilogy. Things like, “The new Harry Potter!” (um, except he’s the chosen one, but whatever) “Way better than Twilight!” (…) “Remember Ender’s Game? This book has ‘game’ in the title too!” Anyway, it’s supposed to be really very good and it’s popular so they’re obviously making a film out of it. In consideration for a role (Lead role? I’ve not read it yet, folks) is the talented Hailee Steinfeld who sort of killed it in True Grit. I obviously don’t have a horse in this race, but welcome the news as a respite from the recent Chloe Moretz onslaught. (Film School Rejects)

New England High School recently banned any physical contact between students more invasive/salacious/touchy than a handshake. Did you just flash to visions of hall monitors with bull horns barking, “NO TOUCHING!!!”? Awww, I miss “Arrested Development” too, guys. The real story here, though, is how one student reacted with a thoughtful petition and protest. (Boing Boing)

So this article is trying to convince me that Finland is some new super country. They failed to impress with their claims of “least corrupt” and “happiest citizens.” Sure, sure, Finland, but it’s, like, really cold where you are and you don’t even have an IKEA. But then the article mentioned the words “invented” and “the Angry Birds game.” You, Finland, are a treasure. Stay frosty! (Tech Crunch)

And finally, you little minxes, I avoid mocking right-wing nutjobs, because a) it’s really too easy and b) my dad’s a (non-nutjob) conservative and I think he reads this column. Wave to my dad, folks. Hi, dad! Okay, but in mocking this video I’m not snickering at the Right, I’m snickering at the crazy. That’s better, yeah? So here it is, folks, the “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” repurposed as an ode to our “favorite” maverick.


Joanna Robinson she won’t listen to their bunk, Joanna Robinson’s coming south to hunt some skunk. Wait, is “skunk” a racial slur??! Let me know here: godtopuswept@gmail.com









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Comments

Finland is a treasure and don't you even say otherwise.

Also, don't have an IKEA? What you smokin'? Finland is next to Sweden and practically co-invented the mickey-ficken IKEA.

Posted by: MM at January 18, 2011 1:11 PM

For a second I thought the topic was Dead Snow, and I was filled with hate. Yoish, what a dog of a zombie movie that was.

Posted by: Jefferson Robbins at January 18, 2011 1:15 PM

Getting a book published is so damned difficult these days

That should read "Getting actual literature published is so damned difficult these days"

Being a reality star/wannabe politician/traffic cone will get you published in a heartbeat.

Congrats to Madeleine on getting actual literature published!

Posted by: Paultera at January 18, 2011 1:15 PM

The Hunger Games books are on my to-read list, but I've heard nothing but good things about them. And Hailee Steinfeld is all kinds of awesome.

Posted by: badkittyuno at January 18, 2011 1:19 PM

The Hunger Games trilogy is a LOT of fun. And I'm psyched at the idea of Hailey as Katniss.

And regarding that school-there was no policy at my high school other than the basic "no making out, no fucking during monthly mass" sort of thing. But some of the nuns were heinous, and could not stand the sight of high schoolers being affectionate. My friends and I found out in the middle of the day that a really great guy we were friends with at a local all boys high school had died the night before of diabetic shock. We were all completely floored and grief-stricken, and two of my girlfriends hugged each other in comfort in the hallway. A nun came SCREAMING out of nowhere and gave them both a demerit. Sexless howler monkey.

Posted by: Julie at January 18, 2011 1:22 PM

I'm wondering why people are freaking out over Starbucks' new drink size. Wendy simply renamed their beverage sizes, so a 42-oz soda is considered a "large." Most fast food places sell drinks in that size, or larger. 7-11's Big Gulp is 64 oz, and if that's too reserved for you there's a 128-oz version out there somewhere.

Or, take a look at the gallon-looking cup they give you at the movie theater.

32oz of iced tea really doesn't strike me as the drink to lose our collective panties over as a nation, but hey, what do I know.

Posted by: Markus at January 18, 2011 1:25 PM

My freakin god, that video. All politics aside, do people not recognize the danger in idolizing any politician to that level?

Posted by: Lindsay at January 18, 2011 1:29 PM

I think The Hunger Games are probably the post-apocalyptal version of Harry Potter, reasonably good to alright prose within a brilliant idea and fantasy world. The lead character, Katniss, is a bad-ass that would be difficult to cast with an actress pool in their world-weary 30's, much less an actual teen. Haliee may be the movie's only hope, short of scouring homeless shelters or other safe havens for an undiscovered prodigy with the emotional scars.

However, the writer of the books is an accomplished screenwriter, and is adapting her own material. She stated that what you can get away with in the teen/pre-teen books would earn you hard R in a movie, and they want to keep the teen audience. I think the movie is fucked just from the source material translation.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at January 18, 2011 1:30 PM

Wow, that first "review" on the Amazon page pretty much spoiled the whole freakin' thing. Thanks Publishers Weekly!

Posted by: Patty O'Green at January 18, 2011 1:36 PM

Look, I love each and every last Pajiban, even the trolls because seriously, you guys are so freakin' cute with your outrage and cluelessness, you really are just the BEST.

But I would bare handed strangle each and every last one of you who got between me and my morning fix. And I'd expect you ALL to do the same to me if I got between you and YOUR morning fix, be it caffeine, nicotine, herbal tea, gay porn, donkey porn, gay donkey porn, mexican wrestling, pajiba, fakenaked pictures of Dustin, what ever right? S'all good so long as we go home forth sticky and wired.

But that might...MIGHT be slightly too much caffeine. Just a smootch. Being that my stomach is probably average. Probably slightly less than average (not bragging...maybe bragging a little, 25 LAPS IN FIVE MINUTES GUYS WHILE PMS'ING, FLUISH AND POSSIBLY COMING DOWN WITH TUBERCULOSIS NO LIE)and that coffeeis 16ml more than the average human stomach? Yeah...might be slightly too much.

Posted by: Nadine at January 18, 2011 1:37 PM

As sort of a persnicketty thing, the new Starbucks Trenta size is only available for cold beverages. I assume that a hot coffee of that size might be considered a weapon.(My housemate is a Starbucks manager in one of the Boston area test locations, and we have been duly updated on the progress of the Trenta situation.)

Posted by: Siege at January 18, 2011 1:37 PM

idiosynchronic, I'm with you. The adaptation is screwed merely by pandering to the ratings board. I don't actually think these books are appropriate material for most younger teens, and I know they are going to take most of the impact away by sanitizing them. Missing the point much?

However, I'm all for Haliee as Katniss. It's the only "name" in Hollywood I can picture. And I hope Gale and Peeta are similarly non-heartthrobs. So help me God, if either is played by some retard from the CW, I will use some of those methods in the books to hurt someone.

Related casting thought? My bff mentioned Hugh Laurie for Haymitch. This is perhaps the most perfect idea ever. She wants Ron Livingston, but Laurie is a better fit for my own vision of the character.

Posted by: KatSings at January 18, 2011 1:42 PM

I remember that link to the zombie stories. That is all.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at January 18, 2011 1:56 PM

Awesome, Madeleine!! Congrats on getting published!! I hope to conquer your zombie book in my CBR this year.

Posted by: Jelinas at January 18, 2011 2:10 PM

Joanna, you've made me enjoy reading the Loves again. Keep up the good work :)

Posted by: radish at January 18, 2011 2:38 PM

We almost moved to Finland two years ago, then the dang financial crisis got in the way. My kids even learned to say 999 in Finish, and that ain't easy. Thanks for making me sad all over again.


yhdeksänsataayhdeksänkymmentäyhdeksän

You're welcome.

Posted by: Mrs Smith at January 18, 2011 2:39 PM

Re: that video...

They sing that when Sarah makes it to Washington it will be as cold as hell. But I thought "a cold day in hell / when hell freezes over" meant that something will never, ever happen.

One of us is confused and I'm pretty sure it's not me.

Posted by: elsie at January 18, 2011 2:47 PM

Starbucks’ new Trenta-sized coffees

Fuck you, Starbucks', fuck you right in the eye. With a rusty icepick. A rusty icepick that was just used as a rectal probe, on a geriatric with irritable bowl syndrome.

When I ask for a large coffee, do not correct me with venti, you pretentious cuntsicle. I want a large coffee, not a venti. Hipster douche.

Posted by: Xtreme at January 18, 2011 2:51 PM

*Venti, Grande, whichever the fuck a large is.

Posted by: Xtreme at January 18, 2011 2:57 PM

KatSings: The adaptation is screwed merely by pandering to the ratings board. I don't actually think these books are appropriate material for most younger teens, and I know they are going to take most of the impact away by sanitizing them.

The entire series is about the choices you make, the choices forced on you, and the effects of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder basically making everyone damaged messes.

Yeah. That's a tween-teen film. My ass.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at January 18, 2011 3:46 PM

Elsie,
That was my exact thought, and then I remembered that they teemed "bunk" with "skunk" and rhymed "jail" with "hell" (which isn't even an eye-rhyme) and figured that it didn't matter to them what the actual lyrics were beyond repeating Palin's name.

Posted by: spljt at January 18, 2011 3:47 PM

@Xtreme - I want a large coffee, not a venti. You want a large but not the (at least previously) largest one they have? So, you want a Grande? I'm surprised a Starbucks employee hasn't stabbed you in the eye with a stir stick yet...

Posted by: just me at January 18, 2011 3:54 PM

I don't think I can even look at that video. The still shot is sufficient. You can practically smell the loony coming off the computer screen.

With the day I'm having, I could use a Trenta of the Shackleton scotch.

Posted by: Captain Tuttle at January 18, 2011 3:56 PM

Gale kinda has to be a good looking guy though. They would not stop going on in the books about how "camera ready" he was.

Posted by: denesteak at January 18, 2011 4:08 PM

The point of The Hunger Games is the horror of war and oppression. I have no idea how 12 year olds being murdered is going to translate to PG-13. In this case, "about kids" really doesn't mean "for kids". I tore through the books over the course of a week and loved them. But these movies need to be R or the entire point and impact is going to be lost. I'd really rather they do a 12 hour cable series with it. At least they are looking at the right people for casting. Katniss is a difficult character, you are going to have to get a hell of an actress to pull off that role and make an audience want to follow her.

Posted by: TylerDFC at January 18, 2011 4:44 PM

I'm with Nadine - I will shank you if you come between me and my java. And I love the word "tureen"! But I'm glad that's only for cold drinks. Drinking that much coffee first thing leads to nothing but trouble. Fast moving klutzy I-am-too-buzzed-to-give-a-fuck trouble.

That said, a white chocolate mocha would so hit the spot right now. MMMMMMM!

Posted by: Chickaboom at January 18, 2011 4:49 PM

New England High School recently banned any physical contact between students more invasive/salacious/touchy than a handshake.

::starts filing three seashells patent::

Be well, 'Jibans.

Posted by: branded at January 18, 2011 4:57 PM

My sister will not shut the fuck up about the Hunger Games, or whatever it is.

Sheesh. Should I mention that she also thinks she can sing and act well.

*slow head shake*

Posted by: Candee at January 18, 2011 5:16 PM

Xtreme, don't hate the barristas, just pity them.
Their brains have been removed and replaced with the Starbucks Zombie chip.
They are just shells fulfilling Starbucks' world domination plan.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at January 18, 2011 5:21 PM

...hmm, sounds like a movie.

'Zombiebucks 2: Electric Trenta Boogaloo'

Posted by: OldSchool60 at January 18, 2011 5:24 PM

Might be off topic, due to the meds I am now on, arghhh, but Dead Snow rocks!

Posted by: JaneSpotting at January 18, 2011 5:43 PM

Aah Finland. Suicide central of Europe.

Posted by: FabMax at January 18, 2011 5:44 PM

Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Eating breakfast or dinner,
Or snack lunch in the hall.
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 18, 2011 9:33 PM

On the one hand, I feel like I kind of got burned with the Allison Hewitt is Trapped web series. I was hooked on it from the beginning, until suddenly the updates stopped coming, and the story remained unfinished.

On the other hand, I liked the writing and story so much that I'm buying the book anyways. There had better be some kind of finish to the story, or I'm going to be pissed.

Posted by: CptCrckpot at January 18, 2011 11:07 PM

CptCrckpot-

As the author, I can say it was extremely hard to stop updating, but I had to for legal reasons. Almost the entire first part of the book is still online, which is a very big preview.

Second, I promise that the story comes to a satisfying conclusion. If not, you can email me personally (and my email is there in the message) and I will address your concerns. This project is dear to my heart and the last thing I would ever want to do is alienate my original readers. If you do read the book, I hope you enjoy it. And if you don't, I welcome your criticisms.

I started the blog as an experiment because I just love to write. In the end, it became something more. In the end, I want the readers to be happy because they made my ultimate, fairy-tale, wish-upon-a-star dream come true.

Posted by: Madeleine at January 19, 2011 12:00 AM

When I ask for a large coffee, do not correct me with venti, you pretentious cuntsicle. I want a large coffee, not a venti. Hipster douche.

Hi. Your friendly neighborhood Starbucks barista here.

It's a fucking cup of coffee, you knuckle dragging troglodyte. Stop getting your knickers in a twist because a company you choose to frequent uses the lingo they choose to designate their cup sizes.

There is nothing worse that dealing with window licking mongoloids like you coming into a store and thinking it's cool shit to be all emphatic about not using the sizes printed right there on the fucking menu. It's just as lame as people trying to speak the lingo who actually have no clue what they're saying.

In short, fuck you and the high horse you rode in on. Go back to getting your swamp sludge coffee at the local Waffle House. We wont miss your business, you barely sentient smegma crust.

@The rest of you, re: Trenta size.
It's not for all cold drinks. It's for iced teas and iced coffee. Thats it. Just a heads up for those of you who are fans of things like iced chai, iced lattes and frappucinos.

Posted by: Lennon at January 19, 2011 12:16 AM

Yeah, so, I do live in Finland, and it is a great place. People here (Nordics in general, I think) get a bad reputation for being unfriendly and depressed, but the other night, I was having a beer alone while waiting for some friends and three different strangers came up to me to ask if I was alright and/or to ask if I wanted to join them.

I do think Finland on paper is better than the reality (like, for all the equality enshrined by law, I would not want to be a Finnish woman) but having lived in a lot of places, I really like Finland for being its own, really unique place.

Posted by: The Wandering Parakeet at January 19, 2011 3:16 AM

Pajiba Love - "Gettin' Duller Every Day!"

Posted by: Case at January 19, 2011 10:29 AM

and rhymed "jail" with "hell" (which isn't even an eye-rhyme)

Posted by: spljt at January 18, 2011 3:47 PM
---
There are people here (I won't be D.R.agged into naming names) who think Pajiba rhymes with vagina.

Just saying.

Posted by: , at January 19, 2011 10:55 AM

He didn't go too far, people just can't handle the truth. I thought he was funny.

Posted by: Benny Palone at January 19, 2011 11:47 AM

In short, fuck you and the high horse you rode in on. Go back to getting your swamp sludge coffee at the local Waffle House. We wont miss your business, you barely sentient smegma crust.
Posted by: Lennon at January 19, 2011 12:16 AM

I don't have to 'go back' to my swamp sludge as I don't frequent Starbucks, mostly due to the aforementioned pretentiousness, which you exemplify beautifully. Call your shit whatever you want, just don't be a cunt about it. And yes, we know you won't miss my business; much as I won't miss your disaffected college student mentality and snotty looks for people in North America who can't pronounce an Italian word that is being used to inaccurately describe a cup of coffee.

Posted by: Xtreme at January 19, 2011 2:37 PM

These actors/actresses got a taste of their own medicine: they are not as lofty as they think. I do believe, it brought a lot of them to reality.

Posted by: Genoveva Joines at January 19, 2011 7:23 PM

i thought he was hilarious!

Posted by: Tomasa Claybon at January 19, 2011 7:26 PM

I recently stumbled across the well done Simpsons porno parody by chance. It's totally live action and Marge is wildly hot, but i seriously nearly crapped my pants once i saw Flanders. Its like they ripped him straight out of the show and made him real...

Posted by: Steph Chao at January 20, 2011 4:38 AM

Posted by: zeke the pig at January 20, 2011 7:09 AM

Ricky Gervais did a great job hosting the Golden Globes .I think his only mistake was having an British accent, and making fun of Americans . I find it absolutely amazing that in a country with all manner of filth on the radio and television we choose to be offended by a few jokes by Ricky Gervais...amazing .

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