You See, Gwyneth? People Don't Like You Because You Keep Saying Stupid Sh** Like This

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You See, Gwyneth? People Don't Like You Because You Keep Saying Stupid Sh** Like This

By Dustin Rowles | Pajiba Love | July 30, 2013 | Comments ()


Stand back, everyone: Gwyneth Paltrow, who claims to have the butt of a “22-year-old stripper,” says that the secret to a good life is to allow yourself to be “naughty” occasionally, which is why she “Allow(s) herself programmed treats—I often have a glass of red wine in the evening and smoke a cigarette on a Saturday.” Programmed treats? “One cigarette on a Saturday.” We are at DEFCon robot crazy. (E! Online)

You know what’s impressive? Television actresses who have been around for 20 years and still got it. Like these 20 lovely ladies. (Uproxx)

These 24 shocking before and after photos that you won’t believe are real are actually pretty goddamn great (the “Three Stooges” one was my favorite). (Cracked)

Katy Perry looks great here. Who knew it took the Smurfs to bring out the best in her? (GFY)

You want some advice on how to be more creative? You won’t get any better than from John Cleese. (Unreality)

Margaret Lyons, who is amazing, takes a look at Aaron Sorkin’s obsession with Dad rock. It is a weakness, I will admit. (Vulture)

Kristen Bell’s “Would You Rather” Illustrated, With Sloths. Adorable. (Buzzfeed)

The cute redhead that Benedict Cumberbatch is holding hands with in these images is JUST A FRIEND. Most of us don’t hold hands with our opposite sex friends, but maybe they’re different in Hollywood. (He is so scamming her). (Celebitchy)

It kind of irks me, actually, that some critics have gotten to see early episodes of Breaking Bad because, why? It’s not like anyone needs a review to know whether to see it, and the only thing that can really come of it are spoilers and smug critics who lord their early access over the rest of us mere pedestrians. Come on, Gilligan. Take a note from Weiner on this: Let us all experience the final season together. Anyway, if you’re curious, this is what critics are saying. (Slashfilm)

The most interesting actor of his generation is this guy? Oh, I know a lot of people reading this will beg to differ. (Fark)

I think we all know that “Happy Birthday” is a copyrighted song, for which royalties have to be paid anytime it’s performed on the telly. But did you know who the profits go to? It’s not so bad, actually. (Mental Floss)

Where did Donald Glover go? Is he trying to create a mysterious personae by disappearing? (WG)

5 Shows After Dark 7/30/13 | The Trailer for Ben Stiller's "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" Doesn't Make You Want to Kill Yourself!

Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • TheAggroCraig

    If Paltrow would just eat a greasy cheeseburger every once in a while it would do wonders. We'd think she's a little less weird, right? But to do that she'd have to stop taking herself seriously for 5 minutes and that doesn't seem likely.

  • Kate at June

    Gillian Anderson and Connie Britton.

    I like that list.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Gwyneth may think she has the ass of a 22-year-old stripper, but really, it depends on what state that stripper performs in. Because different regions have different proclivities, stripper-bootie-wise.

    By the by, Happy Birthday to you may cease to be copyrighted, as the tune dates back earlier than recorded in the copyright...

  • Aww, Gwynnie. It's cute that you think you have an ass.

    Now shut up and buy me a boat. We're BFFs.

  • Jezzer

    If Gwyneth wasn't pretty, people would be falling all over themselves to worship every word that falls out of her mouth, like Lena Dunham.

  • As overrated, over-praised, and generally over-(fill in the blank) as I think Lena Dunham is, being attractive is like being white. 99% of the time it's an advantage, and even that 1% isn't all that bad.

  • Deidra


  • Jezzer

    Thank you, withered schoolmarm. We were hoping things could get all pedantic up in this shit.

  • Artemis

    ...yes, as long as you're average-looking, the world is your oyster. That makes perfect sense.

    I'm sorry, did you fall down and hit your head or something? You should probably have that looked at.

  • Jezzer

    Let me clarify: the people who want to prove how wonderful they are by pretending looks are irrelevant would fall all over themselves. :D

  • lowercase_ryan

    You've got to be farking kidding me?!
    You idiots are farking up the wrong tree.
    Go fark yourselves.
    But seriously, fark Cera (unless he's farked up in a cameo)
    just get the fark out.

  • lowercase_ryan

    nothing rhymes with Atlantic, get farked.

  • JJ

    Surely pedantic
    Is a rhyme for Atlantic

    Feel the farknado.

  • lowercase_ryan

    well done

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    Also frantic. Romantic. Gigantic. Sycophantic.

    Apologies. In the end, these antics are mostly semantic.

  • Slash

    The thing about Gwyneth (whom I do not hate, nor do I love her; I meh her) is that much of her advice is not wrong, exactly, it just sounds so fucking pretentious. If she'd cop to hoovering up a bag of Cheetos now and then, we'd be back to liking her again. But when she yaps about having a glass of wine as a "treat," she sounds ridiculous. It's worse than when Martha Stewart says "paper toweling."

  • John G.

    I love this header pic, and have never seen it. It perfectly captures her evil goopy soul.

  • John W

    People should be happy that Gwyneth and other celebrities let us know what they're thinking via twitter or their personal blogs. Years ago we would have had to bribe their psychiatrists to divulge that kind of info or go rummaging through their trash now they just tell for free. Woohoo.

  • cgthegeek

    The Queen of the Beiges.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Can be bring back the Caption Contest just for that picture. You have Paltrow with her big, gaping mouth, and then you have those two people totally talking shit about her.

    "And then she said, 'I have the ass of a 22-year-old stripper'. And then I say to her, That's nice, Mam, but who are you and what are you doing at my niece's Baptism party?' No one knows who she is! She just showed up and started giving speeches about exquisite shower products and photo-bombing every G-damned picture."

  • JJ

    Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of woman's back, the hanging curveball, high fiber, good scotch, and that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe that those before and after pictures are, in fact, real.

  • deitybox

    Oh my.

  • Wigamer

    Carla Gugino was fired from Spin City for being too fat. And then she went on to be gloriously hot in everything else she ever did.

  • emmelemm

    That's the wrong-est thing I've heard in ... well, ever.

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    My brain cannot process that first sentence, so it's just translating it as "Carla Gugino was fired from Spin City for being gloriously hot". I hope you don't mind.

  • Well, the rumor at the time was that Gugino had so much chemistry with Michael J. Fox (which is understandable because who doesn't that guy have chemistry with?) that his wife got antsy and the producers just headed trouble off at the pass by writing her out.

    EDIT: I remember this, but calculus 3? Gone.

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    That makes way more sense. Thank you. Also...nobody remembers calculus. Although for whatever reason I can rattle off the first15 digits after the decimal of e. It's the ONLY weird thing in my head. Honest. *shifty eyes*

  • Wigamer

    That's probably true, too. But my rumor has the added outrage factor, so I prefer it. Also, it makes me feel better about eating a lot of banana bread today.

  • Are you in my kitchen again? That bread was for the kids, damn it!

  • Wigamer

    It's your fault--you used butter AND chocolate chips. What'd you want me to do?

  • I'd suggest she might go visit the local strip club - I do not think it means what she thinks it means...

  • Wigamer

    You mean undernourished, bony, flat white-girl ass is NOT making it rain?

  • NateMan

    Oh noes, two adults held hands! There might even have been... been... kissing. What will all the small children whose parents inappropriately let them watch Sherlock think?!

  • minxy

    If it were me, and I had a bunch of stuff coming out I wanted to promote, I'd ask my super-famous friend to hold my hand in front of paparazzi too.

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    More likely inappropriately let them watch Star Trek. Sherlock is perfectly appropriate for all ages. Especially when Irene Adler is around.

  • Maguita NYC

    One. Children should not watch Sherlock. Unless their family norms dictate otherwise.

    Two. Everyone knows that holding hands leads to trimming hedges.

  • And, as we have been taught, topiary is not an acceptable reaction to burgeoning "feelings."

  • emmalita

    "Happy Birthday was my favorite song when I was 3. I used to ask all the street musicians in Austin to play it for me. It has just gone back to being my favorite song.

  • Mrs. Julien

    The Dowager Julien used the tune to sing "Good Morning to You" when we were children. When we were teenagers, she was too busy resisting the temptation to throttle us to sing.

  • emmalita

    My mother did the same thing! But when I became a teen it switched to, "goddammitgetoutofbedrightfuckingnow!"

  • Mrs. Julien

    She used to pour cold water on Brother Julien. The Dowager is hardcore.

  • emmalita

    Sure you can do that to a teen boy, but try that on a teen girl and you will regret your entire life.

  • bleujayone

    Like in 40 years when you're shipped off to Shady Pines Nursing Home and you receive cold water enemas as part of your daily wake-up routine and your now middle-aged daughter stands in the doorway wearing an evil grin of vengeance while Gunther the ham-fisted nurse awkwardly administers it while you struggle against both him and your rheumatoid arthritis.

  • emmalita

    We never forget. Never.

  • This is why my mother had five children, so we fight amongst ourselves while she carries on in somewhat of a fog. Clever, my mum.

  • TCH

    Goop is cray. ONE WHOLE glass of wine!

  • I hate Gwyneth. Unless she decides to tell all her stupid readers about my baby blog and makes me a billionaire just like she did with the Spanks lady. Because if that happens I'll go back into Disqus and delete every harsh word I've ever said about her, get an "I love Gwyneth" tattoo, and re-name one of my children Gwyneth to honor her contribution to our bank account.

    But until that happens I totally hate her programmatic smoking and wine drinking self.

  • emmalita

    I like your priorities.

  • Kala

    Michael Fucking Cera?! Look, I don't have a problem with the kid - despite his one-note schtick - but if you're going to give Most Interesting Actor to a Michael, that last name better be Shannon.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    that's a different generation though.

    not that I agree with them. I'd put Eisenberg ahead of Cera.

  • foolsage

    Michael Sheen has had some damned interesting roles, as well.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Wouldn't Shannon be filed under "Terrifying, Talented But"?

  • Kala

    I consider it more "Alluring, Yet Dangerous." I like to think of him as the Mantis Shrimp of Hollywood:


  • John G.

    or this link, which is more fun:

  • Uriah_Creep

    That was a really awesome link.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Or a bunny. How could a bunny be scary?

  • Milly

    But bunnies aren't just cute, like everybody supposes.They've got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses. And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    His face is very Willem Dafoe there. So yes, scary.

  • Kala

    I have never known true joy until now. Michael Shannon in a bunny hat is my Patronus.

  • John G.
  • Bea Pants

    Well that will be in my nightmares later.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I don't know, I kind of want to pet him. More to see if I'd lose a hand, but still...

  • John G.

    Yay, I love hate on Gwyneth days. I hate her everyday, but it's nice when people join in.

  • Mrs. Julien

    The most interesting actor of his generation isn't even as interesting as the wallpaper in front of which he is standing. ZING!

    Actually, I don't mind him, but as a prodigious, prolific and copious head sweater, I am overheated just looking at that toque.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Holy fuck! Gwenneth is just like me! Except the moderation. And millions of dollars. And entitlement. And complete lack of self awareness. And generally dicknosery. (that last one is debatable)

  • Also, you both have the asses of strippers.

  • llp

    Handle with care - those strippers might want those asses back one day.

  • John G.

    Gwyneth "dicknose" Paltrow

  • firedmyass

    "... and then she stepped ON the BALL!"

  • LaineyBobainey

    "Well, it was *ghastly*."

  • Mrs. Julien

    You really are top drawer, firedmyass!

  • firedmyass

    Well, when you're from Pittsburgh, you have to do SOMEthing.

  • kushiro -

    I think she thinks that when she does "regular people" stuff, she does it better than regular people do.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Just "that last one"?

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Yes. I'm well aware of my own shortcomings and flaws. For example, I'm not ambidextrous. That is something I have to live with.

  • Wōđanaz Óðinn

    How do you handle that?

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    It's a burden, but somehow I make it to each morning.

  • Maguita NYC

    Gwyneth Paltrow has now Julia Roberts' face.

  • NateMan

    Like, in a box somewhere?

  • Mrs. Julien

    Did they make a sequel to Seven?

  • mswas

    Seven 2: Electric Boogaloo!

  • e jerry powell

    Maybe we call it Baker's Dozen and cast Celiac disease sufferers as victims that get attacked with high-gluten pastries.

  • John G.

    If it was just 2 hours of her head in a box with coldplay music playing over it, I would watch it over and over again.

  • emmalita

    Maybe in hell. That's the only place I expect to hear Coldplay for two hours.

  • Captain D


  • NateMan

    Not yet, but once they discover what's in Gwyneth's shed I expect it'll only be a matter of time.

  • emmalita

    The Seven Deadly Sins as embodied by annoying actors?

  • Wigamer

    Gwynnie = pride

    Adam Sandler = sloth

    Fassbender = lust (only because he embodies mine)

    Mel Gibson = envy

    Julia Roberts = wrath

    Kris Jenner = greed

    I'm blanking on gluttony

  • $27019454

    Hathaway = Fucking Terminally Fucking Annoying. ...What? That's not one of the seven deadly sins? Uh, in my universe it is.

  • I thought David Duchovny had a lock on lust. Also, Fassbender doesn't qualify, because as near as I can tell, he's not considered annoying.

    Also is Gibson envy or wrath? Or should we allow rampant, willful stupidity to be classified as a sin?

  • Wigamer

    I feel the root of Mel's evil is his total envy of those who are happy, so that's why he's envy.
    My Fassy is not annoying, but I also am not sure that lust is really a sin, so...I can't see letting an annoying asshole have that one.
    Also, all of these choices may be wrong, because banana bread.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Gluttony? Lindsay Lohan.

  • emmalita

    Maybe Marlon Brando for gluttony? Also, I'd like to put Reese Whitherspoon up for wrath. I've heard things.

  • $27019454

    Wrath has to be Alec Baldwin

  • Wigamer

    Let's cast this!!

  • NateMan

    Oh, I like that game. I'll have to think about my list.

  • Maguita NYC

    I meant this annoying face.

  • Bert_McGurt

    That face looks like it's on the brink of devouring all of reality. Which, unfortunately, is no longer where the Goopster resides.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Wouldn't that be appropriate!

  • syradobomako

    мy coυѕιɴ ιѕ мαĸιɴɢ $51/нoυr oɴlιɴe. υɴeмployed ғor α coυple oғ yeαrѕ αɴd prevιoυѕ yeαr ѕнe ɢoт α $1З619cнecĸ wιтн oɴlιɴe joв ғor α coυple oғ dαyѕ. ѕee мore αт...­ ­ViewMore----------------------...

    The Dowager Julien used the tune
    to sing "Good Morning to You" when we were children. When we were
    teenagers, she was too busy resisting the temptation to throttle us to

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