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Xenu Help me, I'm Developing A Taste For Haggis

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (50)



paul-haggis-sf.jpeg

There has been a flood of those gimmicky “United States of…” maps of late. You know, the ones that try to boil down your home state to one factoid or film or foodstuff? I’m reluctant to throw another map on the barbie, my little Mason Dixon lines, but this one is about beer. And, unlike the last one, it’s about good beer. Lagunitas IPA for California? Yum, please! (Good)

This artist specializes in “iconic” or at least “filmic” confrontations. I’ve included this link mostly so I could share with you my abiding hatred for fax machines. They are truly the instrument of Satan. If you have suffered as I have, scroll down to #6 on this page for some closure. [ETA It’s not a fax machine! “Let’s do that. Let’s do exactly that!](Great Showdowns)

There’s been a drug more potent than meth masquerading as bath salts and none of you told me?!?! I kid, I kid, D-Day totally told me. He knows how to look out for a girl. (NPR)

Here’s a lovely recap of yesterday’s Oscar nominee luncheon. I always dig this event because it’s where the cool actors who are obviously going to lose (e.g. John Hawkes, Jacki Weaver) get a moment in the sun. My three main thoughts a) is Annette Bening sitting on The Dude’s lap? WENCH. b) John Hawkes, get out of my dreams and into my 1996 Honda Accord and c) HOLY CRAP DO AMY ADAMS AND POST-OP NICOLE KIDMAN LOOK ALIKE OR AM I BLINDED BY THE GINGER? (The Film Experience)

Oooh-di-lally, this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Many sticky webs of thanks to Sara Tonin for sending me the NYT review of “Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark So We Can Watch These Actors Inflict Grievous Bodily Harm On Themselves And Each Other.” (NYT)

Oh, Scientology, only your brand of insanity could force me to side with that hack, Paul Haggis. If you haven’t already, I reccomend you read the Crash director’s interview with Lawrence Wright that ran in the “New Yorker” this week. You don’t have to agree with me that Haggis comes off in a good, or at least self-aware light, but you should acknowledge that The Church of Scientology is whack-a-mole nutbrains. The article is quite long, so if you need it boiled down to bullet points, NY Mag has that here. But the whole article is really worth your time. (The New Yorker)

To me, that “New Yorker” article raises a side question of whether or not we should allow the “religious” (I’d argue “cultish”) beliefs, egregious actions, or utter numbskullery of our favorite performers impact our enjoyment of their body of work, past and future. Does the fact that Jason Lee is a Scientologist make Mallrats less great? No, right? But what about Lethal Weapon or Rosemary’s Baby? Do we let anti-semitism and rape affect those? It’s not an issue I have an easy answer for. If you’re interested, however, here’s a list of famous current and former Scientologists. GAIMAN!!! (Wikipedia)

Speaking of “religion,” check out this adorable battle of marquees between a Catholic and Presbyterian church. It made me spit out my granola. Also, I’m about to type the geekiest name for a link ever linked on this or any other site. (Wizards Time Lords and Star Kids)

Did you like how I just pretended to be too cool for that link name? You know better, right? By Grabthar’s hammer, ya skin jobs, check out this fr*lling awesome Tesla/Doctor Who shirt. (Woot)

Speaking of geek things, I found this article attacking that VW Darth Vader ad to be totally misguided. Really, friend, you’ve been saving up your vitriol for an adorable ad campaign? And one of your quibbles is how the advertisers used things we love (Star Wars/moppets) to sell us something we don’t need? You mean like using sex to sell cars? Or romance to sell diamonds? Or sex to sell beer? Or sex to sell Doritos? IT’S ADVERTISING. (Badass Digest)

Sorry my lovelies, apparently your Link Wench has an excess of Hate Spackle today. I’m going to calm down by watching this fairly arty and cool video of the Chicago Blizzard. Look how tranquil and playful the snowfa-wait, eleven people died in that blizzard? Blargh.

Okay, this has to be harmless, right? Weird Japanese jelly sushi candy! That you have to make and assemble yourself! And it takes nearly three minutes to do so! That seems like a lot of effort for what looks like a super disgusting outcome.

Joanna Robinson is holding out for a jelly California Roll. Mmmmm, jelly crab and jelly avo. If you know where she can find one, let her know here: godtopuswept@gmail.com









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Comments

::hiding out from the Black Swan autoeroticism thread::

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 8, 2011 1:11 PM

I hate to deny you your closure and all, but that's no fax machine.
That's their LaserJet Printer they're taking a baseball bat to. I used to work with one and that's not something you forget in a hurry...

"PC Load Letter"?
What The F*** does that mean?


Posted by: Simon at February 8, 2011 1:11 PM

GOSH, joanna, your links are like SOOOOOOO informative.

#FLOUNCE

Posted by: stopmadness formerly and currently known as Angry Black Lady at February 8, 2011 1:18 PM

Whoa, Kidman and Adams do look eerily alike there. So waxy and unmoving...

"Catholic dogs go to heaven, Presbyterian dogs can talk to their Pastor" Made me laugh so hard. I love the idea of these angry little priests shaking their elderly fists at each other, gnashing their teeth and thinking of new, dastardly ways to bring down the other. I'd say the Catholic one wins. Hee.

I don't know why, but I love reading the Spider-Man reviews-- that's the third one I've read today. Everyone's so up in arms about it.

Posted by: Figgy at February 8, 2011 1:24 PM

Oh, Simon, this crushes my dreams. I rather thought Michael Bolton and I were soulmates.

Posted by: coveredinbees at February 8, 2011 1:27 PM

Oh...I see what you mean - Nicole and Amy look eerily similar in that photo. But if they were playing twins, Nicole would be the evil one - with all that botox, she looks dead behind the eyes.

Good to see Jackie Weaver getting some international recognition at last. I saw her years ago in Cosi and she held her own in a strong cast that included Toni Collette, Rachel Griffiths, Ben Mendelsohn and David Wenham:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDZ1GEG7OgU

Posted by: Simon at February 8, 2011 1:30 PM

Hate to rain on your parade, but those church signs are 'shopped...

Posted by: tofupuppy at February 8, 2011 1:32 PM

neil gaiman and scientology need to never ever be referred to again in the same sentence.

i have a rock collection. it soothes my soul to know they are destined for better places.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 8, 2011 1:33 PM

Oh great, another Spackle Reference. Get a new gag, Joanna, or I might stop commenting altogether.

Posted by: Rumplestiltskin at February 8, 2011 1:34 PM

here’s a list of famous current and former Scientologists. GAIMAN GAY MEN!!!

I think that's what you really meant.

And yeah, the last few times I've seen Amy Adams I've definitely been getting second (shorter) coming of Nicole Kidman vibes. Especially the pert little nose.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at February 8, 2011 1:36 PM

Sorry about that Joanna; maybe you could bond at Chotchkie's over a shared love of rap music instead?

Posted by: Simon at February 8, 2011 1:36 PM

LAGUNITAS is the shit. And its also located in the center of the universe. Petaluma, CA. Whoo hoo!!!

Posted by: Sad Rockstar at February 8, 2011 1:36 PM

I refuse to believe Neil Gaiman is a Scientologist. Maybe it's a long-con... research for a sinister character? NO, NEIL!

Posted by: Internet Magpie at February 8, 2011 1:37 PM

html fail. boo.

GAIMAN was supposed to be crossed out.

GAIMAN

It showed up right in preview.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at February 8, 2011 1:39 PM

And, p.s., Office Space brought the world my least favorite Joanna.

Posted by: coveredinbees at February 8, 2011 1:39 PM

Yeah. Strikethrough still not working. I feel like that little Darth Vader, trying so hard to work my html tags. Maybe it will come through when I least expect it.

Anyway, Wiki says Gaiman doesn't identify as a Scientologist at least.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at February 8, 2011 1:41 PM

Yes, I think Gaiman's in the "former" or "recovering" camp.

Posted by: coveredinbees at February 8, 2011 1:43 PM

That sushi thing was amazing. I wonder how much engineering went into designing an elaborate jelly thing for kids. The eggs at the end were especially good.

Posted by: e at February 8, 2011 1:52 PM

Neil Gaiman is a Scientologist? This...this just breaks my heart.

Posted by: Scully at February 8, 2011 2:05 PM

Beer speaks, people mumble.

Posted by: fenchurch at February 8, 2011 2:08 PM

That beer map is wrong on Indiana. It should be 3 Floyds. Don't know how Upland beat out the brewery of Dark Lord.

Posted by: Scully at February 8, 2011 2:11 PM

Hate to rain on your parade, but those church signs are 'shopped...

tofupuppy, clearly you are an idiot. It would be fairly simple to set up two tripods, leave them and your camera there for days (or how ever long this went on), make sure the exact same cars are parked in the exact same spots for the Catholic pictures, and take the pictures at the exact time when the sun is in that position and the weather is exactly the same.

And you say they're 'shopped...

Seriously, who finds this shit funny? If you do, could you explain it? It's the same as all those FML, textsfromlastnight, or clientsfromhell sites. They're supposed to be funny because they actually happened. So if they didn't, why are they still funny?

Posted by: pissant at February 8, 2011 2:15 PM

The sushi toy is amazing. So complex! so pretty ! so many little spoons and guides! Only the Japanese.

Posted by: Figgy at February 8, 2011 2:19 PM

Neil Gaiman's parents were scientologists but he isn't, so I heard.

Posted by: Steph at February 8, 2011 2:29 PM

That beer map is validated! St. Arnold's IS THE BEST BEER IN TEXAS. And, we'd be cranking out even better stuff if we could change some anti-capitalist laws down here. Google it.

Posted by: gunnertec at February 8, 2011 2:41 PM

I don't care if they use Darth Vader to sell that car. I was entertained by the ad, and the chance of my buying that car remains zero. It's a win for me, and a loss for them.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at February 8, 2011 2:42 PM

I'm glad that Scientology is being exposed for what it is. Haven't read the New Yorker article yet (had to cancel my subscription because it's just too damn expensive), but I plan to. The author was on "Fresh Air" on NPR today too. He had some very interesting things to say.

I remember a million years ago Spy Magazine did an expose of Scientology. They sent someone in undercover and reported on the squirrely goings-on in there. After I read it, I stopped supporting anything that had anything to do with Scientology. Namely, I stopped seeing Tom Cruise and John Travolta movies. I didn't want any of my money making its way anywhere near those people. Not even one little cent.

I'm now actually in Clearwater, and sometimes I forget not to wear navy blue when I go downtown. That's always a bad idea.

Posted by: Captain Tuttle at February 8, 2011 2:42 PM

I might stop commenting altogether.

That tired old threat?

Posted by: Jay at February 8, 2011 2:51 PM

I am so glad to be leaving Nevada now. These stupid maps keep missing the few good things we DO have. Where is my Ichthyosaurus IPA dammit! BJ's is a shitty chain nominated by all the Mormons in Henderson and cocktail-drinkers in Vegas. There are enough award-winning breweries around here that I could think of three better alternatives with both heads tied behind my back. Grr.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at February 8, 2011 3:36 PM

Joanna, keep up the good work, and ignore the trolls.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at February 8, 2011 3:44 PM

Where is my Ichthyosaurus IPA dammit!

I'm glad it ain't around here, because I'd fall off my tenuous perch on the wagon to drink that, simply because of the name.

Posted by: Rykker at February 8, 2011 3:49 PM

That shushi thing isn't real food, I don't think. There is a line of weirdly complicated Japanese toys, kind of Play Dough-esque, with kitchen sets and all of that powdery stuff. You make the foods but you can't eat any of it.

Tell that to a kid, though. Yipes.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at February 8, 2011 4:42 PM

Listen up, kids!

REALLY GOOD SUSHI CANDY:

Rice krispie square mixture for the rice (I like extra marshmallows)

Swedish fish for the salmon and sashimi

Green fruit roll-ups or Sour Belts for the seaweed

coconut shavings for the tempura (obvs)

additional ingredients: skittles for roe, mango slices for the ginger and green tea ice cream as wasabi. Not sure about the soy sauce but I've had success with chocolate drizzle...


Posted by: seed at February 8, 2011 5:55 PM

And, p.s., Office Space brought the world my least favorite Joanna.

At least no one can ever accuse you of minimum flair!

Posted by: Simon at February 8, 2011 6:04 PM

The New Yorker article was looooong and worth it. I ended up at a site called exscientologykids.org.....highly disturbing.

Posted by: Ajoy at February 8, 2011 6:06 PM

Scully, you are 100% correct. 3 Floyd's is fit to drink in Valhalla out of the skull of one's enemy. And I haven't even been able to try the Dark Lord yet.

Posted by: Pooter at February 8, 2011 6:07 PM

Victory Brewery is PA is a GREAT choice. Every time we visit our friends in Downingtown, we have to stop and either eat there or grab a six pack to bring home.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at February 8, 2011 6:22 PM

The Paul Haggis article -- I thought, "Fuck it. I'm going to read the whole thing. I never trust highlights to provide an accurate portrayal of the subject. I say I say - I shall read it all!"

Then on like page 459 I gave up and read the highlights.

Whatever, it's just Paul Haggis.

Posted by: superasente at February 8, 2011 7:21 PM

Holy crap, I read the entire New Yorker article; I skimmed some parts, mostly the descriptions of the crazy shit the Scientologists believe and the parts where they made up shit about why people who used to be Scientologists no longer are. Goddam, they crazy. Weapons-grade crazy.

I don't hate Haggis, nor am I his biggest fan, but he comes off a hell of a lot better than Scientology does. And he's worked in Hollywood a lot longer than I thought. Like him or loathe him, he appears to have paid his dues.

Posted by: Slash at February 8, 2011 7:57 PM

Captain Tuttle--clarification, please. Why can't you wear navy blue in downtown Clearwater?

Read the entire New Yorker article. I can't believe there are parents who sign up their underaged children for a "billion year" service, to have them work for $50 a week in a gated compound no less. The bit about how these kids end up getting trapped with no way out, because all their support network (parents, friends) are with Scientology, and how they have no education/skills to cope in the outside world--that reads like the "lost boys" of the fundamentalist Mormons.

Posted by: True_Blue at February 8, 2011 9:05 PM

That article on the Darth Vader commercial really rubbed me the wrong way. And not in a good way. Well, that's why I said "the wrong way." Anyway, it's STUPID. As you said, Joanna, IT'S ADVERTISING. And god, if anyone dragged Star Wars into crass commercialism, it was fucking George Lucas himself. Hell, I love the original movies and they were insanely commercialized. Who didn't have a ton of Star Wars shit when they were kids. I was only 3 when the first movie came out but I had some of that stuff, including the sheet set and various action figures. Gah. And I sure as hell bought the sheet sets for my own sons (though of the original movies, thank you.)

Posted by: pickled tink at February 8, 2011 9:30 PM

Tyranena is much better than New Glarus. The map said something about sustainable and green, so maybe that has something to do with it.

And Three Floyds is the best of all. I currently have a fridge full of Alpha Klaus, Dreadnaught, and Arctic Panzer Wolf. Got two bottles of Dark Lord squirreled away too.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at February 8, 2011 11:29 PM

I'm not a fan of Haggis, but I can't help but have a lot of respect for him trying to help publicize the crimes of Scientology. I started reading about it all a couple years ago and every time I try to encourage people to read the numerous websites devoted to exposing them I'm always dismissed. I just hope that more people will start to take notice and that something will be done to put a stop to it.

As for Neil Gaiman, he is occasionally listed in various Scientology publications for his large donations along with his ex-wife. There is some speculation among former members that he is in good standing with the Church and that he only denies it to non-members. There is also the possibility that he only does it to avoid being disconnected from his family. In any case, he has given millions to them and continues to do so regardless of whether or not he is a true believer.

I try to avoid buying the albums/books/films of known Scientologists. It's not that I don't think some of them are talented or that it cheapens any of their previous work. I just can't in good conscience knowingly give money to someone who is helping fund a dangerous cult, but I don't expect everyone to feel the same.

Anyway, thanks Joanna for giving attention to this story.

Posted by: Uda at February 8, 2011 11:42 PM

Get a new gag, Joanna, or I might stop commenting altogether.

Dont let the doorknob hitchya on the way out.

re: vader commercial article... I find it funny that the author was obviously much more affected by the advertisement (which he slams everyone for being so affected by) than the rest of us. I giggled and moved on, pretty content to never own another VW. He obviously let this eat at him for quite some time.

Ah... the power of advertising.

Posted by: Lennon at February 9, 2011 12:02 AM

Scientology is totally crazy and absurd.

However, all religions are totally crazy and absurd, so I don't know why this one gets singled out so much.

If you're not an atheist, and you're criticizing Scientology, go back and read your silly religious books again and get back to me on why yours isn't silly.

Posted by: John G. at February 9, 2011 1:39 AM

John G - I think Scientology gets singled out for two reasons.

The first is the cultish tendencies that are present in all strata of their church. As far as I know, most Christians/Muslims/Sikhs/Hindus etc are allowed to keep family relationships with those who don't practise their choice of religion.

The second is the nagging feeling that people really should know better. I can sort of understand why people believe in Jesus, Mohammed or Vishnu. Those beliefs have been around for millennia and are ingrained into the culture. It probably seems natural to believe in God if you know your grand-parents did and their grand-parents before them. But with Scientology, everybody knows the L Ron Hubbard made all this crap up back in the 1950s. How can anyone seriously believe in a tale of aliens stuck in volcanoes dreamt up by a pulp fiction writer who only died in 1986?

I suspect that's why it gets singled out.
And I write this as a long-term atheist.

Posted by: Simon at February 9, 2011 3:11 AM

OHMYGOD TOO LONG FOR CANDY

Posted by: Nadine at February 9, 2011 11:42 AM

Ok so I read the Entire New Yorker article. That is one of the single most terrifying things I've ever subjected myself to. Slave Labor, enternment camps, Beating with no way to defend yourself, and Tom Cruise. I now understand the dead soulless look in Tom cruise's eyes. One really must kill themselves inside to have a personal airport created by child labor. I'm with Uda. I can't give these people any of my money with a clear conscience. Even Neil Gaiman. I don't care how awesome he is.

Posted by: Blank at February 9, 2011 2:29 PM

Despite Gaiman's continual denials and Wikpedia updates, he underwrites Scientology and is listed plainly as Neil Gaiman, a Patron of Scientology and a member in good-standing in Scientology Magazines easily downloaded on Wikileaks.

In 2010, Mary Gaiman was awarded the "Gold Humanitarian Award" for her contribution of $500,000.00 to Scientology. This is significant because Mary Gaiman continues to be Neil Gaiman’s business partner in The Blank Corporation, which is now Neil Gaiman's Scientology front and how he pays the cult.

Gaiman is also the "Vitamin Heir" of Scientology. The Gaiman family owns G&G Vitamins which reaps 6 million a year from selling The Purification Rundown Vitamins.

Gaiman's two sisters, Claire Edwards and Lizzie Calciole are high-ranking Scientologists, the head of RECRUITING and the head of Wealden House, repectively. They cannot associate with Neil unless he is in good standing and certainly would never give a quote for a New Yorker article.

Sadly, Neil Gaiman is a scientologist, too cowardly and greedy to leave the cult. At least Haggis has the balls to walk away.

Posted by: Dan Miller at February 9, 2011 4:13 PM

Neil Gaiman pays for little kids to tarmac airports for Tom Cruise... what an irresponsible fuck.

Posted by: jojo at April 7, 2011 12:31 AM