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What If, And I'm Just Spitballing Here, But What If Prometheus Just Didn't Make Any F---ing Sense?

By Dustin Rowles | Pajiba Love | June 13, 2012 | Comments ()


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If you click on one link today, let it be this one: An amazing and touching story about how an autistic woman fell in love with "Community's" Abed Nadir. Sometimes, the power of television will knock your on your ass, folks. (WG)

It's typically against my religion to link to HuffPo unless it's a Mike Ryan piece (because I know he gets paid), but Reba passed this fun slideshow along inspired by news that the Guinness Book of World Record's movie being developed: 10 More Reference Books that Should Be Adapted into Movies (Baby Goose alert!). (HuffPo)

What happens one one woman tries to raise funds to advocate for better female representation in video games? She's bullied with rape threats from scores of misogynistic assholes. YOU SUCK INTERNET. I don't even like video games and I chipped in $10 in support of the cause. (Thanks, Ranylt). (Kickstarter)

Here's a fun way to work out your anger: With 20 Awesome Television Bitch-Slap GIFs. (WarmingGlow)

Or you could take out your aggression on this King Joffrey practice target. (I09)

But hold up, before you go and cold-cock someone, maybe try acting like an adult. Of course, the problem with acting like an adult is that being an adult is full of mundane tasks that no one wants to do. (Hyperbole and a Half)

Then again, being an adult means being old enough to go see Django Unchained without a parent, which you're going to want to do after seeing the International trailer for Quentin Tarantino's latest featuring footage of Sam Jackson's slave. (FSR)

Also, the downside to not yet being an adult is that all your friends probably love Twilight. OMG NEW SPARKLY IMAGES OF THE VAMPIRE BABY. (FilmDrunk)

I guess this Joe Manganiello guy is a thing now, huh? I liked him better when he was called Eric Bana. (Celebitchy)

Also, dude: Converse All-Stars are not the appropriate footwear when lifting tires.

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The world's longest burp? 18 seconds. You can watch history in the making. (Neatorama)

More Prometheus. CAN YOU HANDLE MORE PROMETHEUS? Here's 18 Frustrating Moments from Prometheus, although I don't understand why this much print is not devoted to other ambitious sci-fi films that fall short. (Unreality)

This is the last Prometheus post, because this one is my favorite, because of all the theories floating around the Internet that seem to afford way too much credit to the filmmakers' intentions, this one is the best because it does the opposite: What if, and I'm just throwing it out there, what if Prometheus just doesn't make any fucking sense? (Dave Chen)

Remember how they're going to have to do around 7 weeks of reshoots on Brad Pitt's World War Z and then Damon Lindelof was been brought in to rewrite the third act? I wonder what happened there? (Slashfilm)

I have a very, very vague understanding of what Fifty Shades of Grey is, and most of that understanding comes from the "SNL" short in which it appears that the book is basically bunk material for ladies, which made it awkward to stand next to a pregnant woman reading it at the gym the other day because now that's the only think I'm thinking: This woman on the treadmill next to me would rather be at home rubbing her cooter. Anyway, everyone is casting the damn movie, and Buzzsugar just said screw it: Here's 22 Women that could play the lead, or ALL the age appropriate women in Hollywood. (BuzzSugar)

The First Man Ever to Decorate His Home with Hunting Trophies Tries to Sell His Wife on the Idea: A Dramatic Monologue. Oh, Snider: It's like the prose version of some strange New Yorker Cartoon. (Snide Remarks)

Here's a series of GIFs celebrating the relationship between the 10th Doctor and Rose to give you that weepy boost to your Wednesday. You're welcome. (Geek Girl Diva)

Someone asked Meryl Streep if there would be a Devil Wears Prada 2 and her answer reminds us all of why Meryl Streep is such A FUCKING DELIGHT. (Buzzfeed)

The guy who sang "Chocolate Rain" attempts to extend his 15 minutes by covering "Call Me Maybe," and you know what? Let's do it. Here's another five minutes. Use the the YouTube earnings to have that third testicle removed, dude.







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Actually Chucks are some of the best shoes for lifting :)

  • Jimmy V

    Actually because of their flat surface, All Stars are a good shoe to do that. All those shoes that have a ton of shock absorption do more harm than good when it comes to lifting heavy. Now if there is a lot of running being done, I wouldn't wear chucks.

  • chanohack

    Dammit, you got me all excited for a new HaaH post, and that one is like two years old. I'm a little worried about Allie, can one of you Internet people go over and check on her? You all live in the same neighborhood, right?

  • ,

    Some of those bitch-slaps were full-on roundhouse punches. I don't think those should count. That's if the post itself should count because I noticed the name of the author of the bitch-slap post Dustin Rowles links to is: Dustin Rowles. We're getting mighty self-referential around here.

  • Littlejon2001

    I have to say, I haven't been this into dissecting, criticizing, revisiting, and reading about a film as I have with Prometheus since The Matrix Reloaded. There's a lot to say about films that get a lot of people excited, do a really great job visually and even plot wise, setting up themes and ideas, and then never giving answers and ultimately falling short with huge, huge gaps in logic. UGG why can't I stop talking about Prometheus!!!

    PROMETHEUS!!!

  • blorft

    Right? I'm so annoyed by the fact that I hated it that I am eating these articles right up and cannot stop. UGH. So I turn to Sigourney Weaver and her flamethrower to dull the pain.

  • John W

    What we need is a conversation mash up of Prometheus and Girls so we can officially start ragnarok.

  • Skyler Durden

    While I still think that making a 50SoG movie is the worst movie idea since Pearl Harbor, I am happy to see SOMEONE finally throw some props to Emily Browning, who not only has the perfect mouth, but is also unafraid to get 50 shades of naked. Seriously, this chick is fearless.

  • Uriah_Creep

    She certainly proved it in the Sleeping Beauty movie (NOT the classic story, by any means.)

  • Tracer Bullet

    Why would he get his third testicle removed? I'm trying to get a fourth grafted on.

  • emmelemm

    I wish I could upvote this more than once.

  • Slash

    Prometheus sounds like the worst parts of "Lost" mixed with the worst parts of every shitty "Alien" sequel.

  • Ender

    Prometheus is so full of holes it's almost funny, the character motivations are spotty, heavy handed and all over the place, and everyone makes inexplicable choices everywhere, if its message was that humans are as hard to understand and apparently irrational as truly alien beings would appear to be then it did a fantastic job.
    But it's a really enjoyable and well put together film if you can ignore that. It's a fun ride. You can have a lot of fun afterward picking apart all the inconsistencies and bizarre choices over a beer.

  • QueeferSutherland

    This hamburger tastes like the inside of a cadaver's asshole. It's overdone, riddled with e-coli, and topped with only relish. That said, if you can choke it down it's pretty damn good.

    I kid. Saw it over the weekend and agree wholeheartedly. It's entertaining in spite of itself, and I feel like Scott and Lindelof have no idea how great a movie they almost made.

  • Ender

    "This hamburger tastes like the inside of a cadaver's asshole. It's
    overdone, riddled with e-coli, and topped with only relish. That said,
    if you can choke it down it's pretty damn good."

    Ha! :D I'd say it's more like "This hamburger doesn't have any relish, it's made of cheap meat and it's greasy but it's well put together if what you're looking for is a greasy delicious bit of fast food"

  • Slash

    RE "This woman on the treadmill next to me would rather be at home rubbing her cooter."

    You can probably safely assume that about all the women at the gym.

  • Drake

    Dude, use those YouTube earnings to get a haircut that makes you look less like a lesbian.

  • melia

    From Weeds; sorry, neglected to clarify.

  • melia

    I don't even watch the damn show, but even I know Mary Louise's character getting the Starbucks bitch-slapped out her face deserves to top the gif list...

  • hapl0

    16. The captain and his crew members approach a suicide missions with the enthusiasm one might a particularly fun rollercoaster, hands up and all.

    I might have peed a little reading that.

  • Seany D

    "Also, dude: Converse All-Stars are not the appropriate footwear when lifting tires."

    Actually, they are. All-Stars are phenomenal shoes for any time you're carrying a loaded weight. They have a hard sole that is completely flat and incompressible, giving you much more stability and control. Many powerlifters and strongmen swear by them. I use them myself.

  • QueeferSutherland

    "Lindelof being brought in to fix third-act problems" should be a line in a fucking Alanis Morrisette song. There's enough irony there to fuel hipsters for another thousand years.

  • We got a big problem here, Rowles. Your list of 20 Awesome Television Bitch-Slap Gifs does not include one instance of RuPaul slapping contestants around on Drag Race. Here's a good start: http://blog.vh1.com/files//201...

  • pajiba

    Holy Shit. That's fantastic.

  • Rob

    Ha! It's the Rose/Doctor 10 relationship that led to my eventual heat-of-a-thousand-suns-like-burning hate of Russell T. Davies. Douse those f*cking GIFs in fire.

  • lowercase_ryan

    last comment (for at least a half hour), I want to drink wine with Meryl Streep. A lot of it. Seriously she is bad-ass.

  • lowercase_ryan

    the fuck is a tyre?

  • lowercase_ryan

    I vote for a new weekly feature from you Dustin, "Spitballing"

  • Anna von Beav

    Also, that header image is bad. YOU KNOW I HAVE A THING ABOUT EYEBALLS, DUSTIN. God.

  • I read the Fifty Shades series and while I really enjoyed them, there was no cooter rubbing done while reading! It's going to take more than words on a page for that.

  • TheOtherGreg

    "rubbing her cooter". I believe the preferred term is "flicking the bean".

  • lowercase_ryan

    nobody ever got off with just a flick

  • Anna von Beav

    "How many cats out there do you think are named Renesmee? A lot, I bet."

    Hee. That's my favorite part of the Film Drunk piece.

  • BBB40

    I guess I know what song will be playing in my head for the rest of the day...

    Chocolate Raaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnn............

    damnit

  • AngelenoEwok

    Wow, people on the CW really love to slap each other.

  • John G.

    This is an interesting article covering the possible meaning of Prometheus. It just made me hate it more, but this might convince some people to like it.


    http://cavalorn.livejournal.com/584135.html

  • Ender

    Yeah, that review's been doing the rounds. It doesn't really justify any of it's claims, and it refers to several bits incorrectly to support it, and overall it's clearly not the real intentions of the film, but it's really interesting to consider anyway.

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