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Want To Ruin A Perfectly Good Male Stripper Project? Boy, Have I Got The Dead-Eyed "Actress" For You.

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (63)



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Morning my charming Chippendales, we had all decided Steven Soderbergh’s male stripper movie Magic Mike was going to be good old fashioned, “let’s get drunk beforehand” fun, yes? Well Soderbergh had to harsh my mellow by casting Miss Olivia Munn as Charming Potato’s love interest. Munn, who never met a joke she couldn’t kill, a line she couldn’t fumble, will, presumably, not be joining the boys on the pole. I don’t get it, Soderbergh, I thought I knew you. (Coming Soon)

Don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here distracting myself with these gorgeous, hand drawn Jurassic Park posters. Life, and my easily distracted brain, finds a way. (/Film)

Okay, darjeelings, we’re going to go melancholy for a second and then return to the infinite madness of Pajiba Love. I found this piece on the hows and whens of learning when a loved one has died very touching. The writer explores the weird information-sharing role social media plays in the process. It’s worth your time. (The Hairpin)

And while we’re on the subject of death, apparently that idiotic police raid Steven Seagal participated in a few months ago ended with a suspect’s dog being shot and killed. While Seagal was not directly responsible, folks are, as you can imagine, having a field day with the headlines. (Evil Beet)

Which brings me to this story of an Alaskan woman who punched a bear in order to save her tiny dog. This story would have been better if she had punches Steven Seagal, yes?(Today)

See, woman can be cool and kickass. YOU HEAR THAT JC PENNY’S? Please, if you would, check out these ghastly shirts the department store iss selling for back-to-school. “I’m too pretty to do homework” makes me want to punch ALL the things. Yes, yes, including bears and Seagals. (Feministing)

That last link was sent to me on Twitter by a Pajiba reader/dad and was accompanied by this awesome hash tag: “#mygirlsjustwearstarwarstshirts.” Me? I’m going to dress my fictional, not even a twinkle in my eye, daughters in these Famous Thinkers As Metal Band Logos shirts. They’ll have a choice. “Machievelli or Feynman?” (Monsters of Grok)
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While we’re on the subject of band names, did you know there’s a school in Arkansas whose team is called “The Deaf Leopards”? Amazing. Here’s a list of other nota-wtf*ckable team/mascot names. (Mental Floss)

And whilst we’re listing and naming, here’s a rather limited list of Movie Titles That Make “Awesome” Nicknames For Your Lady Area. Hmmm, I rather think my Pajibans could do better. (Buzzfeed)

Finally, oh how I wish I could participate in the glorious Tomatina Festival just once in my life. It’s on the Bucket List right below this now defunct entry: “See Magic Mike While Trashed.” (The Big Picture)

To be honest with you, I don’t really understand what’s going on in this video. All I know is that Martin Starr is in it and there’s some fantastic dancing. Honestly? That’s good enough for me.

But Don Cheadle as Captain Planet going berserk and detroying humans with beams of light from his groinal region? That should be good enough for all of you. Check out Cheadle, Brenda Song (the real one), Gillian Jacobs and, best of all, Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.

Joanna Robinson didn’t even recognize Gillian Jacobs in that video on the first watch. If she had, she would have undoubtedly used a photo of Jacobs paddling Alison Brie as a header for today’s Love. Have you guys seen that photo? It’s pretty cute.









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The Greatest List of 100 Completely Random Movie Titles Ever Compiled in the History of Mankind | If You're Going to Be an Asshole, That's Fine, I Respect Your Choice, But Don't Do It In Front of Me: Dancing With the Stars Cast Backlash Makes Me Tired and Sad









Comments

Well, the good news Joanna, is that JCPenney pulled that awful anti-girls shirt from their web site. I don't know if they were also being sold in their brick and mortar stores, and if so, if they're being pulled from there too. But, at least the outcry did something.

Posted by: tamatha at September 1, 2011 1:07 PM

So the plain girls were mad they had to do homework? Y'all understand that JC penney cannot force anyone to do their homework? They are NOT a licensed educational facility in any state.

Posted by: logan at September 1, 2011 1:21 PM

Holy shit, do I have to be forced to think about Olivia Munn every time I visit this site? And I thought the 3,549,286 Brie/Jacobs lingerie faux-lesbian-S&M pics were annoying.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 1, 2011 1:24 PM

I cannot believe The Social Network is not on that list.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 1, 2011 1:31 PM

Y'all's haters are showing.

Posted by: admin at September 1, 2011 1:31 PM

Captain Don Planet Cheadle made me pregnant WITH A FUCKING TREE.

Posted by: Nadine at September 1, 2011 1:32 PM

I think I just added stairs to my workout routine. ALL OF THEM.

Also, The Big Lebowski would be a great name for someone's vagina. Not mine, but someone's.

Posted by: Kolby at September 1, 2011 1:32 PM

That Jurassic Park poster is amazing. It seems very inspired by posters of the 70s. It really invokes memories of Bakshi's Lord of the Rings poster (lousy, horrid adaptation of the novel(s?), but the poster was terrific).

Posted by: lubeg at September 1, 2011 1:32 PM

My son's high school mascot was a Dot.... yep... for The Poca Dots!

Posted by: buell at September 1, 2011 1:37 PM

logan:

The point. You missed it.

Posted by: SeaKat at September 1, 2011 1:43 PM

You know, the thing abut Olivia Munn, she's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.

We're gonna need a bigger Maxim cover.

Posted by: Courtney at September 1, 2011 1:45 PM

What a fun video!

And you know, there is no good way to be informed of a friend's death, social media or otherwise. I read about the death of a friend in the newspaper, in those little articles that mention almost nothing but the name. I called the police dept, and the officer wasn't supposed to tell me, as I was not family, but I described my friend and the cop confirmed it. And then I had to tell my friends. There's no easy way to do that. Funny, I was just thinking about him yesterday. RIP, you silly boy who made me laugh.

Posted by: ChickaBoom! at September 1, 2011 1:47 PM

Nicknames for lady area? What's wrong with 'kitchen'?

Hey-yo! Up top!

/sorry about the rape culture

Posted by: really at September 1, 2011 1:47 PM

Is Olivia Munn even considered hot? I don't understand straight men.

Posted by: Rob at September 1, 2011 1:48 PM

I read that one line as you wanting to punch bears and seagulls.

Then I thought that maybe a seagal could be a lady seagull.

This sounds better than anything to do with Steven Seagal.

Posted by: nix at September 1, 2011 1:53 PM

Ooh!

The Sum of All Fears

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 1, 2011 1:53 PM

SeaKat:

Sense of humor. Get one.

Posted by: logan at September 1, 2011 1:55 PM

Is Olivia Munn even considered hot? I don't understand straight men.

Yes, Olivia Munn is hot. If you deny this it's because you find her annoying as fuck and has horrible comedic timing. Which is just as true as the first sentence there. She's just not funny to me, either.

However:

My dick favors the former fact.
My brain favors the latter fact.

Dick > Brain.

Every time. Every time. (see Nazi Kate Winslet).

And for the record, it's painfully obvious Olivia Munn is the kind of girl who'd get blasted with you at the bar, or take bong rips and spent the night playing XBox in her underwear and order delivery.

I guarantee that there isn't a straight man on this site who would turn her down in real life. Surely, someone will say "ERRRR NOT ME I HAS STANDARDZ", but (outside of you having a relationship. don't cheat dickheads) it's a load of bullshit.

Posted by: D-Day at September 1, 2011 2:03 PM

logan:


Got one. Your "joke" didn't tickle it.

Posted by: seakat at September 1, 2011 2:05 PM

I'm totally calling my Area "The Last Temptation Of Christ" FROM NOW ON. (If only I could change her name in my cellular telephone.)

Posted by: Anna von Beav at September 1, 2011 2:09 PM

Holy Vagina AvB!

Posted by: logan at September 1, 2011 2:11 PM

Also, I've been yelling "MARS ATTACKS!" when I whip it out for years.

Posted by: D-Day at September 1, 2011 2:11 PM

Wait. Your vagina has a contact in your cellphone, AvB? Your vagina can CALL PEOPLE?

Damn. Here I thought those women who could shoot ping pongs and, like, empty a bottle of soda with just the vacuum power of their hoobies were impressive.

Posted by: SeaKAt at September 1, 2011 2:16 PM

So wait... Olivia Munn is really the Other Mom in Coraline??

I has standardz... that pic above. The Munn passes.

Posted by: antietam at September 1, 2011 2:16 PM

I'll totally agree with you D-Day. She's fantabulously hot.

Also, she doesn't have dead eyes. She has sex eyes. Her "come fuck me" looks are killer.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at September 1, 2011 2:18 PM

I want a "Hawking/WuTang" t-shirt.

I'm surprised to see the Williamsport Millionaires from PA made that list of weird mascots/team names. I can actually explain that one. In the 19th century, Williamsport was called the "Lumber Capital of the World" and at one point had more millionaires per capita than any other US city (Wikipedia says than anywhere else in the whole world, in fact). We still have a section of town called "Millionaire's Row" where all the old mansions stand.

So... there's your random trivia tidbit for the day.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 1, 2011 2:21 PM

I think Olivia Munn is gorgeous, and I'm a straight woman. I'd play Wii with her all night (I don't play X-Box). That's not a euphemism.

Ok, maybe it is a little.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 1, 2011 2:22 PM

Also, I have tried 3 TIMES to post a comment about the Williamsport Millionaires from that high school mascot link, and I keep getting a "Submission Error." Why on Earth would that be blocked? I didn't say any of the banned words.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 1, 2011 2:24 PM

Ok, will someone tell me why I can't comment on the high school mascot link? 4 TIMES NOW I've gotten a submission fail because I "broke one of the rules." What word has been banned now? Millionaire?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 1, 2011 2:28 PM

:looks at photo:

She has eyes? I didn't notice.

Posted by: Rufus at September 1, 2011 2:29 PM

"HEART!"

Posted by: John G. at September 1, 2011 2:41 PM

Hmm...the mascots thing just didn't seem that outrageous. But then, two of my three highschools were the Jackrabbits and the Buffaloes. So maybe I'm jaded or sumthin'.

And yeah, I'll jump on the Olivia Munn == Hot bandwagon, but why does she have toilet paper hanging off her knickers in that shot?

Posted by: NateS1973 at September 1, 2011 2:47 PM

Movie Titles That Make “Awesome” Nicknames For Your Lady Area.

Classic:
Mr Hobbs Takes a Vacation or The Greatest Story Ever Told

Western:
Tall in the Saddle

Kubrickian:
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

or simply:
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Posted by: branded at September 1, 2011 2:50 PM

MelBivDevoe -- were you seriously a Millionaire? Because I was a Millionaire! Quite possibly the lamest mascot ever.

Posted by: Siege at September 1, 2011 2:53 PM

I don't see why so many people are still talking about Olivia Munn when we've just been told that a woman punched a bear in the face. Come on, that's freaking awesome.

Posted by: beckster at September 1, 2011 2:54 PM

@Siege - Naw, I was a Mountaineer - our mascot carried a rifle and a jug of moonshine! I don't know if that was better or worse. I just got a kick out of seeing the Millionaires on the list.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 1, 2011 3:01 PM

Three-nineteen: thank you. I agree with that stupid paddling pic. Enough already.

Also, all these undie pix make me squeamish about checking the site at work.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at September 1, 2011 3:01 PM

@Siege - Naw, I was a Mountaineer - our mascot carried a rifle and a jug of moonshine! I don't know if that was better or worse. I just got a kick out of seeing the Millionaire name on the list.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 1, 2011 3:02 PM

or simply:
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I prefer Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Also, Munn is hot, but she's no Skarsgård./sarc

Posted by: admin at September 1, 2011 3:02 PM

@MelBivDevoe -- our mascot was a dude dressed up like the Monopoly man...tail coat, top hat, white gloves, red carnation in the buttonhole. It did NOT instill even the slightest iota of fear in our opponents. Of course, my senior year, the mascot got fired for doing drugs, and we were left with just a "spirit leader" since no other guys wanted the job and a female was apparently unacceptable.

Posted by: Siege at September 1, 2011 3:05 PM

The Money Pit?

I'll let myself out.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at September 1, 2011 3:24 PM

The list of mascots is killing me. Poca Dots? Perfect. The best one I've ever heard was for a minor league hockey team in Georgia, the Macon Whoopee.

Posted by: Craigilicious at September 1, 2011 3:49 PM

The Black Hole?

Darkness Falls?

Lovely And Amazing?

Point Of No Return?

Wet Hot American Summer?

Death of a Salesman?

Animal Factory?


Yikes. I don't know where that last one came from. A thousand pardons.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at September 1, 2011 4:15 PM

Every Which Way But Loose.

Posted by: God Of Bal-Sagoth at September 1, 2011 4:18 PM

That Hairpin piece was extremely well written and very sad.

Love those t-shirts.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 1, 2011 4:21 PM

Mr(s?). Magorium's Wonder Emporium

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Almost Famous (had to do it)

Pi


Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 1, 2011 4:25 PM

Pi

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 1, 2011 4:25 PM

Buy that guy a chicken dinner, folks.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at September 1, 2011 4:27 PM

I don't see why so many people are still talking about Olivia Munn when we've just been told that a woman punched a bear in the face. Come on, that's freaking awesome.

QFT

Posted by: Amanda6 at September 1, 2011 5:50 PM

Eraserhead

Let The Right One In

Little Miss Sunshine

Romancing the Stone(s)

Jewel of the Nile

Hot Fuzz

Posted by: Paultera at September 1, 2011 5:54 PM

Hot Fuzz

Holy shit, I think you won the day.

Posted by: MM at September 1, 2011 6:09 PM

Olivia Munn is gorgeous. I don't know about any of her other qualities. I thought she was OK on the The Daily Show, but apparently someone at TDS disagrees.

Posted by: Slash at September 1, 2011 6:12 PM

Snatch

It's on the nose a bit, but still...

Posted by: Mrcreosote at September 1, 2011 7:53 PM

It's on the nose a bit, but still...

If you're doing it right? It sure is.

Posted by: coveredinbees at September 1, 2011 7:55 PM

I taught at a high school in Indiana whose team name was the "Slicers" (no mascot).
In Yuma, Arizona, they are the "Criminals" and their mascot wears a black and white striped prison uniform.

Posted by: kimmyhula at September 1, 2011 7:55 PM

Olivia 'look at me! look at me! LOOK.AT.ME.' Munn is trying way too hard and i don't think we have to be worried bout her for much longer bcoz Jon Stewart finally realized dat BJ was not worth it after all and her sitcom tanked.

and did you see her interview for the new movie with SJP? she really thinks she's in the same league as Tina Fey and i'm actually done hating her and have moved on to pitying her now.


i'll put her under the category of ppl who think they can do everything just coz they're...gross... hot. (ref. Tyra Banks)

Posted by: haplo at September 1, 2011 8:07 PM

Some other lady bit names:
Into the Wild
The Great Escape

And if you want to go in a creepier direction:
Tangled
There Will be Blood

Posted by: Arrogant Ambassador at September 1, 2011 8:20 PM

I call my poontang As Good As It Gets.

Thus far, I've encountered no dissenters.

(OK, I don't call it that, but it was fun to pretend.)

Posted by: Stinky at September 1, 2011 8:57 PM

um, not to be all argument-ey, but you do remember soderbergh's first leading ladies, right? laura san giacomo (btw - yes, please) and the immortal...andie macdowell. his casting is usually pretty good, but it's not perfect.

Posted by: matty blue at September 1, 2011 9:59 PM

I'm going to cheat and use Pajiba's own Random List from earlier today:

The Long Kiss Goodnight
M*A*S*H
From Dusk Till Dawn
Deep Impact

Posted by: bev rage at September 1, 2011 11:32 PM

Catch 22

Posted by: thecloofer at September 2, 2011 2:16 PM

Teeth.

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at September 4, 2011 4:41 PM

"I believe in ... the small of a woman's back ..."
---
My son's high school mascot was a Dot.... yep... for The Poca Dots!

Posted by: buell at September 1, 2011 1
---
Being a fellow West Virginian, I know (approximately) where that is: Somewhere south of me and north of Virginia.

In high school, I was a Big Mac (Canon-McMillan).

Mrs. , was a Mighty Maple (Mapletown).

,daughter was a Mohigan (Morgantown High).

Speaking of Virginia, there is (or was) a school there that went by the Saltville Shakers.

Posted by: , at September 5, 2011 2:26 PM

My favorite mascot is the University of Santa Cruz Banana Slugs, but I see the list was just high school mascots.

Posted by: Pat C. at September 5, 2011 4:52 PM