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Tom Cruise, President? Plus a Henry Cavill/Gina Carano Mating & Everything You Already Knew About Lindsay Lohan

By Agent Bedhead | Pajiba Love | January 11, 2013 | Comments ()


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It's been a few years since I've stepped into the deliciously oozing pool that is Pajiba Love. Since I'm generally a vacuous gossip writer, that's the variety of this particular column. Enjoy, or don't.

Man of Steel wonderboy Henry Cavill is dating MMA fighter (and Haywire star) Gina Carano! They both have earned their abs of steel, but I just have to wonder who applies the most blunt force while their genitals clatter together. Hot coupling. (Us Weekly)

I don't know exactly why this article about Lindsay Lohan's bullsh-t behavior on the set of The Canyons comes as a shock to anyone, but it's still a shamefully engrossing read. Also, I don't know who is the bigger mess -- Lohan or Paul Schrader. As for Bret Easton Ellis' involvement in the project, he really should have known better. (New York Times)

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For what it's worth, Lindsay herself has read the NYT article (or she had one of her assistants pantomime it to her while she freebased an unidentified substance that is totally not cocaine) and concedes that it is a fairly accurate portrayal of events. She also states, "[I]t's no big deal" that she essentially got her ass fired from a microbudget film. (TMZ)

Gwyneth Paltrow, in all her illustrious wisdom, has announced that she's not performing her annual "cleansing" in celebration of the New Year. What's stranger: The fact that Gwyneth felt the need to announce this fact or that I'm actually disappointed she won't be lecturing us all to buy her Goop-branded colon cleanse? Perhaps it will be a spring cleaning this year. (Lainey Gossip)

Say what you want about celebrity spawn being spoiled and never learning the meaning of finding one's own way, earning one's keep, or wiping one's own booty. However, I can truly say that I feel sorry for Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's son, Roc, who has had his potty-training photos splattered all over the internet by his fawning, overzealous parents. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

Tom Cruise and David Miscavige apparently plotted for Tom to run for political office at some point and to eventually gain entrance to the U.S. Presidency. Then they grew tired of the subject after arguing over who got to be First Lady and thought better of the pay cut. Those fields full of CO$ slaves don't pay for themselves, you know. (Celebitchy)

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Justin Timberlake is a perfectionist, yo. That's why he hasn't been putting out music lately. Because it's so painful to realize that he might not make the ultimate record album ever again (as if he has ever done so to begin with) and not because he was chasing movie infamy for the past several years. (Pop on the Pop)

Ryan Gosling made some Hey Girl's dream come true by pulling her out of the "Conan" audience and whispering his ATM pin number into her ear. I don't know why, but Gosling just doesn't do it for me, and I don't want his spittle to tickle my ear canal. (Vulture)

A new reality show promises to reveal the secret world of ladies who work in bra-fitting shops. Don't even get me started on the awful premise because I've never actually been fitted for a bra. Trial and error, baby. I don't need some creepy lady's hands all over my boobs. (Jezebel)

If you've ever wanted to see George Clooney and Cindy Crawford in bed together and partner swapping with Randy Gerber and Stacy Keibler, you're in luck. If you've never wanted to witness such atrocities, well, these are actually kind of cute commercials. (Popwatch)

I'm currently working my way through the 5th season of "Californication" on DVD and trying to ration the goods without blowing the wad all at once. Speaking of (presumably) blown wads, here's a nice, meandering trip down memory lane to watch every sexual encounter of Hank Moody thus far. My favorite was the kinky thetan. (Warming Glow)

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Spring Breakers truly is an abomination of the immediate future, but it's not nearly as much of a symbol of the patriarchy as airbrushing. The sad part is that Harmony Korine will actually make some money on this even if it's from pay-per-view creeps looking for some yank material. (Film Drunk)

Lena Dunham's Hannah Horvath might be on par with Claire Dane's Angela Chase, Cynthia Nixon's Miranda Hobbes, and Ramona Quimby in terms of being a relatable protagonist searching her way through life. Or this writer might just be taking the piss. (Unreality)

Since I'm feeling slightly inflammatory today, here's a video clip mashup containing (nearly?) all of the N-words ever uttered in Quentin Tarantino movies. This video, of course, does not account for the multitude of N-words that spring forth from Django Unchained. (High Definite)

Finally, this last video has nothing to do with movies (and very little to do with television, other than being shot by the Discovery Channel). It's a giraffe fight! But it looks almost like a very intricate and graceful dance. (Discovery)

Agent Bedhead lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She and her little black heart can be found at agentbedhead.com.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Ballymena Bob

    Isn't that giraffe battle from the new BBC wildlife show "Africa"? Is the show a joint enterprise with Discovery Channel, then? When it's shown in America do you get to hear David Attenborough do the narration or somebody else? I can almost understand why the youtube video won't play in the UK but why won't Discovery even let me read their "Africa" webpage? Why am I asking you? Don't I have better tings to do on a Saturday night? Is there anything good on telly tonight?

  • Jezzer

    Just when I was ready to settle in for a really good Dunham rant, here comes that video link to make me realize I probably hate Quentin Tarentino a lot more.

    Well played, Bedhead.

  • While the NYT piece did get me to sympathize with Lohan a bit more (seriously that "practice with my father" quote was near heartbreaking), I came away from it feeling a hell of a lot worse for James Deen. Seriously, he had NOBODY come for a personal visit to him on set? His lawyer is his best friend? And he managed to be a consummate professional during that mess?

    The only hiccup was his leaving to film a porno when he apparently said he wouldn't, but considering the shit going down at that point, I don't blame him for wanting to be around sane people.

    Damn, dude needs a freakin' hug.

  • Quatermain

    Speaking of awful reality shows...I know this site runs on ad revenue, but y'all couldn't have gotten a less obnoxious pop-up? The only thing worse than reality shows are spoof reality shows. They're like watching McBain say 'Dat's da joke' for 45 minutes.

  • Tinkerville

    I could watch that giraffe video all day and I'm not even sure why. Weirdly hypnotic.

  • Genevieve Burgess

    You ever notice the celebrities you'd like to hear it about never have a sex tape "leak"?

    Um, I mean, Mr.Cavill and Ms.Carano up there sure do make an attractive couple! I wish them all the best.

  • BobbFrapples

    Giraffe head butts are hilarious/terrifying!

  • Bodhi

    I understand what you mean, but never underestimate the awesomeness of a well-fitting foundation garment.

  • Groundloop

    "I don’t need some creepy lady’s hands all over my boobs."

    It's not always a question of need sweetling. Sometimes, the heart wants what it wants.

  • SeaKat Stabler

    Hey, I used to manage a lingerie shop and did bra fittings ALL the time and I don't have creepy hands!

    I mean, the rest of me is skin-crawlingly creepy, but my hands ARE FINE.

    GOSH.

  • BWeaves

    Really, Agent Bedhead, trial and error just doesn't cut it. Trust me. You'll be so happy you had someone else pulling bras for you and helping you adjust them properly. Besides. I can recognize that someone else is wearing the wrong bra, but apparently, I had no clue I was wearing the wrong size.

    I thought it was funny the new giraffe in town made "clinking spurs" noises when he walked.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Ok, that news about Cavill and Carano dating tells me that the Justice League movie that Warner (eventually) needs to make is pretty much just the big-screen version of Kingdom Come.

  • Quatermain

    I would watch the hell out of a big screen version of 'Kingdom Come'. You do it right, that'll make more money than The Avengers.

  • Slash

    I've seen that cartoon before, but somehow, "Into the dome, motherfucker" didn't resonate with me the way it does now. I think I'm going to adopt it as my new catchphrase (my old one was, "I don't give a fuck.").

  • AngelenoEwok

    Is it just me, or is there more smoldering sexual tension in that still of Cruise and Miscavige than in all the Tom Cruise + Lady Actress movie pairings COMBINED?

  • NateMan

    It's totally Gina Carano. Sex with her must be like getting stuffed in a warm, wet, hydraulic vise. And I mean that in the most appreciative way possible. I suspect her fully capable of what Famke Janssen only pretended to do in GoldenEye. And what a way to go...

  • KatSings

    I laughed SO HARD watching the giraffe fight. I may favorite that to watch when I'm sad.

  • jzhz

    I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth

  • Natallica

    Wow, Miscavige is even shorter than Tommy Girl. Guess life still surprises me.

  • dizzylucy

    If you'd like another surprise, according to that article, Miscavige dresses up his dogs in vests, and makes people salute them. Of course, the dogs are of the rank of Sea Org Captain, so the salute is totally appropriate. Not at all crazy.

  • Walter Ray Choi

    That has to be Tom Thumb's scariest Lil White Shark grin ever...

  • lowercase_ryan

    The Lohan piece really was fascinating. It paints Schrader and Lohan as opposite sides of a delusional coin. I also think the intent was to (try to) ensure that Lohan will never work again.

  • Bert_McGurt

    It's also bloody amazing that she still has contact with her parents. Those two are possibly a worse influence on her than coke and booze.

  • lowercase_ryan

    This may be the mystery of the decade.

  • Walter Ray Choi

    Lohan's lips looking surprisingly sensuous. Good for her, she's looking human again.

  • John W

    I recently watched Friends With Benefits.

    Justin please stick to music because you suck as an actor.

    Mila Kunis. Nothing press on.

  • I don't like his music either. But the America public is fickle and slow to change. So I'll concede him going back to music if it means staying away from movies. It's easier to avoid bad music anyway.

    And is it just me or does Ryan Goslin not have more than one emotion in movies? I need a bigger sample size. But he's looking like a borderline Keanu Reeves, without the lifetime pass he gets for The Matrix.

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