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There Are Two Rapture-Related Links In Here And Then I'm Done. Swearsies. Until The Next One.

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (46)

www.thehighdefinite.jpeg

Good morning, my scintillating scinners. I’m glad to see you’re all still here. Unless, are you internetting from Heaven? Shouldn’t you be strumming harps and lolling on a cloud or something? Nope, we’re all still here. If you’re playing Rapture Excuse Bingo at home, here are Harold “I Made Up A Rapture To Bilk People Out Of Their Money” Camping’s initial reactions to the nothing (not to be confused with The Nothing) that happened on Saturday. (SF Gate)

I’m not really a huge fan of the non-wack-a-doodle Christian sects who “reached out” to Camping’s followers post-non-Rapture. It felt a little vulture-ish and opportunistic to me. We atheists would NEVER do that. Mostly because we’re too busy having better sex than you are. (Awl)

And, finally, you survived the non-Rapture, so Imma reward you with a whole SLEW of cute animal photos. Enough to last you until the end of times…whenever that is. Next Tuesday? (Buzzfeed)

Lady Gaga was pretty cute on “SNL” this weekend, right? Well if you’re all-aboard the Gaga-train, you can get her latest album for 99 cents. THAT’S LESS THAN A CAPPUCCINO, FOLKS. (Amazon) And if you’re not into Gaga, you can preview Death Cab For Cutie’s latest on NPR. And if you don’t like either Death Cab or Gaga, um, well, enjoy your Lawrence Welk on vinyl? (NPR)

Here’s something to make the Russell Brand haters smile. That’s a lot of you isn’t it? You’re all smiling now, aren’t you? Damnit, Russell, you make it hard to defend you. He’s been kicked out of an entire country now. Japan, to be exact. Happy? (Celebitchy)

You know who’s really good at defending the indefensible? Minnesota Senator Tony Cornish. Look, he used exclamation marks and everything!!! (imgur)

A tornado ripped through Joplin, Missouri yesterday claiming the lives of many and tearing helicopters from the sky. Here are some devastating images courtesy of the NYT. I hope all of our Missouri readers and their families are safe and sound. (NYT)

Does that make you feel like doing something good today, my altruistic yet broke readers? Well long-time Pajiban Lainey has an oppurtunity for you to help out a good cause without spending a solitary dime. It’s just clicking! You’re good at clicking. If you follow the link below (Click 1), “like” Chase Community Giving (Click 2) and then “Vote” for “One Heartland,” (Click 3), Chase will do the donating for you. “One Heartland” is a unique camp for children (and their families) with HIV/AIDS. This grant will eliminate the current waiting list and invite all of the campers living with HIV/AIDS to Camp Heartland & Birch Family Camp this summer. Seriously, three clicks. DO EEET. (Chase Community Giving)

Did you click? Good job. As a reward I give you this photo of Emma Watson mysteriously clad in a camo corset. Was she auditioning for the Lara Croft reboot? Is that why she’s all braided and shorted? (imgur)

Good TV is rare these days (Winter Is Coming Bitches), so let’s take a moment to thank whoever put the killshot in the fetching head of Adrianne Palicki’s Wonder Woman series. Good God, people, even her wonder panties were vinyl. Rest in Peace, you abomination. I can’t wait until the pilot is leaked online. (DC Women Kicking Ass)

Until then, I’ll be playing all the Nintendo games that ever were. WHY DIDN’T ANY OF YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS BEFORE? (Play Nintendo)

Is it because playing video games rots the mind? Is it because all I could think of while watching this staggering jellyfish video from Palau was that this guy was obviously losing at the Video Game Called Life by letting all those jellyfish hit him?

JELLYFISH LAKE, PALAU from Sarosh Jacob on Vimeo.

This last video is for my busy bees and wastrel wasps alike. Here is a collection of instructional demos that will make everyday tasks much faster. Come for the shoe-tying thing, stay for the oddly sexual banana.

Joanna Robinson call dibs on Oddly Sexual Banana for a band name. Also, she can’t believe that video gave away her parking secrets. Email! Twitter!









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Comments

Here’s something to make the Russell Brand haters smile...He’s been kicked out of an entire country now. Japan, to be exact. Happy?

Well you just drew a parallel between Russell Brand and RDJ. Are YOU happy?

Posted by: D-Day at May 23, 2011 1:07 PM

I love that t-shirt folding trick. My wife hates me for it.

Posted by: idiosynchronic at May 23, 2011 1:12 PM

And if you don’t like either Death Cab or Gaga, um, well, enjoy your Lawrence Welk on vinyl?

::throws plate of asparagus up against the wall::

I'm tired of this Lawrence Welk shit!

Posted by: branded at May 23, 2011 1:13 PM

Pshaw. Us real Nintendo fans have had emulators for aaaaages. I'm gonna go play some Super Mario World right now.

Posted by: Figgy at May 23, 2011 1:15 PM

Wow Courtney they got that billboard up FAST!
It's like they knew the world wasnt ending or something....

Posted by: logan at May 23, 2011 1:22 PM

No. Us really real Nintendo fans have a NES/SNES combo sitting next to our Sega Genesis in the living.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 23, 2011 1:23 PM

I am the proud owner of a letter signed by Lawrence Welk that was sent to my grandfather. My grandpa was enquiring as to why one of his favourite singers wasn't on the show anymore. HEIRLOOM!

Posted by: Odwalla Imparts at May 23, 2011 1:23 PM

room.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 23, 2011 1:25 PM

And if you don’t like either Death Cab or Gaga, um, well, enjoy your Lawrence Welk on vinyl?

Did you know that Metallica's "All Nightmare Long" is based on HP Lovecraft's Hounds of Tindalus? You know, the creatures that hunt time travelers and can only exist in right angle planes?

Posted by: Fredo at May 23, 2011 1:27 PM

ODWALLA! You could probably get a $3.59 for that Welk letter on E-bay.

Posted by: logan at May 23, 2011 1:28 PM

So not all jellyfish are remorseless, stinging, tentacled killing machines? My mind, she is blown! I still don't want to swim with them.

Posted by: Odwalla Imparts at May 23, 2011 1:28 PM

I honestly winced each time those jellyfish brushed against him.

Posted by: I Need More Allowance at May 23, 2011 1:30 PM

I would never sell an heirloom logan! That letter is almost as valuable as the one I have which explains when to use "a" and when to use "an". (I would let the post it which clarifies affect/effect go for $3.17.)

Posted by: Odwalla Imparts at May 23, 2011 1:32 PM

Et tu Odwalla? Death to the grammar police!@

Posted by: logan at May 23, 2011 1:35 PM

I have it memorized logan! I'm that good!

Posted by: Odwalla Imparts at May 23, 2011 1:39 PM

I'm more offended by the Papyrus than anything else.

Posted by: Mel C. at May 23, 2011 1:43 PM

You dirty GRAMMARIAN!

Posted by: logan at May 23, 2011 1:44 PM

that banana thing was just so very suggestive. Not only the weird sketch of how to squeeze a banana, but also the voiceover. i mean. n the previous segments it was either a generic female or frenzied japanese guy (i'm not very familiar with japanese commercials - is that how those sound? like someone's holding a gun - nay, bazooka - to the commentators head?) anyway, then for the banana thing they choose a guy who is so very an erstwhile, but experienced pornstar and who is now uncapable of acclimatizing to a life where every hunky pizzaman is not accompanied by a basebeat and a blowjob.

Posted by: marie at May 23, 2011 1:50 PM

I am affronted by the Papyrus as well!

Not really. I don't know what Mel C. is referring to. Did Ginger do something? Was it Posh? Baby? I bet it was Baby.

I was so funny in 1997.

Posted by: Odwalla Imparts at May 23, 2011 1:51 PM

It felt a little vulture-ish and opportunistic to me. We atheists would NEVER do that.

http://sfist.com/2011/05/20/oakland_atheists_anti-rapture_billb.php

I like this billboard better than header, no biblical quote implying they were wrong because they misread the bible not because it is ALL a bunch of bs.

Posted by: LwoodPDowd at May 23, 2011 1:52 PM

I dunno. I think I have time to peel my bananas the old fashioned way.

Posted by: pxilated at May 23, 2011 1:55 PM

Mostly because we’re too busy having better sex than you are.

I OBJECT! Believers have amazing sex. Why you think we always screamin' "OH GOD!" during lovin'?

Posted by: Patty O'Green at May 23, 2011 1:58 PM

I think we can all agree that both athiests and believers have terrible taste in fonts.

Posted by: I Need More Allowance at May 23, 2011 2:03 PM

I can cool a soda (or beer, we used it for beer all the time) faster than that.

Take a bowl and fill it with ice. Or, depending on your geographical location and time of year, use a snowbank (we used snowbanks A LOT in college).

Put a soda (beer) in the ice (snow) on its side. Start spinning the can like you're logrolling.

Hum the Jeopardy! theme song, which should take you about 30 seconds. When the song is over, voila! Ready to drink.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at May 23, 2011 2:13 PM

LwoodPDowd,
I just like to point out that people are basing their lives on something they very clearly don't understand. When even the bible says you can't know when the Rapture will come, how can someone claim they know?

That's what happens when people rely on dogma and ritual instead of actual faith I suppose.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 23, 2011 2:14 PM

I do object to the statement that all religious people feel guilt for weeks after they have sex. Weeks?!

Posted by: sevenstories at May 23, 2011 2:19 PM

Funny. I actually do know the "day and hour." The Rapture will occur at never o'clock on the nevereth day of Neveruary in the year Neverty-never.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at May 23, 2011 2:48 PM

I feel the need to warn people that that Winter Is Coming Tumblr is one of the most mind numbingly stupidest things I've ever encountered. The one picture it links to is funny but don't try to visit the rest of the site. It's just awful, "to be honest".

Posted by: Paultera at May 23, 2011 2:51 PM

throws plate of asparagus up against the wall

Only thing worth doing with asparagus.

Someone else's wall, of course. I don't want that shit stinking up my house.

Posted by: Jay at May 23, 2011 3:36 PM

So, Religious folks feel guilty for having sex. What perfect example of not being punished FOR being dogmatic, but being punished BY being dogmatic.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at May 23, 2011 4:39 PM

How dare you defame my beloved asparagus! I'm going to put on a pair skinny jeans and eat a full dozen spears just to spite you now!

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 23, 2011 5:01 PM

Well, pre-Rapture I posted a question for the Pajiba hordes, and I still don't know the answer! I repost it here, and hope that someone will take pity on me:

I remember a movie I saw about the Rapture (no, not 1990 The Rapture with Mimi Rogers and David Duchovny) when I was a kid. It would have been in the early 80s. It was the typical Rapture stuff, and I very distinctly remember one scene where someone is brushing their teeth in front of the bathroom mirror and they suddenly get "Raptured" and the toothbrush falls and clatters in the sink.

The most likely candidate is "A Thief In The Night", a well-known 1970s Rapture movie, but I watched some clips of it on the Youtubes and I really don't think that's the movie I'm remembering.

Anyone have any alternate suggestions?

I love the Rapture billboards, btw. 2000 years of any day now!!

Posted by: MM at May 23, 2011 5:21 PM

@MM:

Could it have been "Left Behind"? I had to watch it in Sunday School and it sounds similar.

Posted by: beckster at May 23, 2011 6:00 PM

Well, looking at IMDB, all the movies with the title "Left Behind" are from the 2000's and associated with the Tim LaHaye book series. What I'm thinking of is much, much older - early 1980s.

Unless there's some older movie called "Left Behind" that's not showing up on IMDB that you're referring to?

Posted by: MM at May 23, 2011 6:25 PM

P.S. I'm old.

Posted by: MM at May 23, 2011 6:29 PM

I just realized, on Saturday I was at some out-doorsy type of military party, and there was a lady wearing a shirt that said, "I think therefore I'm an Athiest" or something like that. And I remember thinking, "Heh. That's an interesting."


...I only just realized she probably wore it to purposefully fuck with people.


I don't know why I needed to share that.

Posted by: Candee at May 23, 2011 6:48 PM

What perfect example of not being punished FOR being dogmatic, but being punished BY being dogmatic.

That's only if you forget the designated safeword.

(Answer: it's "Methuselah")

Posted by: branded at May 23, 2011 9:04 PM

I swam in the jellyfish lake and, once you get past the instinctive terror, it's an amazing experience. The jellies are so soft, it's unreal.

Posted by: Claus at May 23, 2011 9:56 PM

Yes, not all jellies sting. People anyway.

Posted by: Protoguy at May 24, 2011 2:42 AM

"LwoodPDowd,
I just like to point out that people are basing their lives on something they very clearly don't understand. When even the bible says you can't know when the Rapture will come, how can someone claim they know?

That's what happens when people rely on dogma and ritual instead of actual faith I suppose"

Nope. It's nothing to do with dogma and ritual. If it was dogma and ritual they'd be dogmatically insisting you couldn't know, and ritualistically doing rituals that don't involve the rapture. You know, like the Catholics were doing.

You have it backwards. It's freedom from dogma, and interpreting things all sideways that makes you overlook a direct command not to predict the future.

"So, Religious folks feel guilty for having sex. What perfect example of not being punished FOR being dogmatic, but being punished BY being dogmatic."

Yeah! Those religious people. Dogmatically having different morals from me. I only feel guilty when I break my own morality. Which I adhere to dogmatically. But it's not dogma because I'm a freethinker! Just look at how I freely act like a hypocrite.

Posted by: Ender at May 24, 2011 5:18 AM

Ender,

Dogma
a : something held as an established opinion; especially : a definite authoritative tenet
b : a code of such tenets
c : a point of view or tenet put forth as authoritative without adequate grounds

Words have more than one meaning. Perhaps I shouldn't have included ritual in that though as it isn't really relevant (as you've pointed out) and confuses my point. Those are my own personal issues with Christians seeping in to poison my argument.

My point is that the same people who would hold the bible up as infallible decided to trust this human's word over it.

(Note: This is more of an interesting musing than a real argument.)
Also, the potential for this DOES exist in the Catholic church because the word of the pope is considered holy above all else. If the pope were to say the Rapture is coming tomorrow, that would be the dogma (meaning "a") of all Catholics. Luckily, the pope is generally smarter than that. It's also not so hypocritical, if it is at all, because Catholicism doesn't advocate a literal translation of the bible as far as I know.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 24, 2011 8:58 AM

"c : a point of view or tenet put forth as authoritative without adequate grounds

"Words have more than one meaning. Perhaps I shouldn't have included ritual in that though as it isn't really relevant (as you've pointed out) and confuses my point"

Previously:That's what happens when people rely on dogma and ritual instead of actual faith I suppose

Yep, I was completely thrown off what you were actually saying by your choice of words, as Dogma usually refers to Religious Dogma in that context, which in this case contradicts their position.
As it is, I'm still not sure what you're saying here.
How is "The stuff one person said" any more Dogma than "Faith"?

"Also, the potential for this DOES exist in the Catholic church because the word of the pope is considered holy above all else. If the pope were to say the Rapture is coming tomorrow, that would be the dogma (meaning "a") of all Catholics.

Nope. Is the Rapture a matter of Faith and Morals appropriate for announcement from the Papal Throne (the only way in which the Pope can institute infallible dogma)? No, it is not. Therefore if the Pope announced the Rapture is coming tomorrow it would not become Dogma, nor would Catholics have any reason to accept it according to their own rules.
The Church could institute it as dogma, but it would be a lot more complicated than the Pope just saying it.

Posted by: Ender at May 24, 2011 9:22 AM

Actually, scratch that, I'm probably not going to get it without a long boring conversation where we swap definitions of vocabulary and it all becomes very dull. You're obviously smart with reasonably in-depth understanding of what you're talking about, and you weren't saying the odd/illogical thing I thought you were saying, so just pretend I said nothing at all.

Posted by: Ender at May 24, 2011 9:26 AM

I was going to say more but came to that same conclusion. I think we're more arguing semantics than anything else at this point, and perhaps my grasp of my own vocabulary.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 24, 2011 9:39 AM

Guh! How is it that Minnesota can have the coolest politicians and the douchiest at the same time! It's almost like our landmass is roughly equivalent to that of England!!!

Posted by: ChristianH at May 24, 2011 10:44 PM

Us REALLY, REALLY real Nintendo fans have our NES/SNES/N64/Wiis hooked up to our televisions where we play our 200+ game collections with our 5 and 7 year old sons while replacing the pin connectors on two other old NES consoles to pass onto them.

Posted by: 8bithero at June 15, 2011 9:26 AM