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Ryan Seacrest and Julianna Hough's Relationship Is So Life-Like that It's Hard to Believe They Were Built in a Lab

By Dustin Rowles | Pajiba Love | June 6, 2012 | Comments ()


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I actually kind of dig Julianna Hough for what she is: A manufactured facsimile of an actual actress whose only defining characteristic is that she sounds like she smokes two packs a day. In other words, she's perfect for Ryan Seacrest. I'm looking forward to the first wedding between two corporate-simulated human beings. I'm pretty sure they were invented by Veridian Dynamics and when they turn 40, they turn into nuclear weapons. (NYDailyNews)

Did you know that the classy publication known as The Huffington Post has an entire section devoted to side-boob? I wish we'd thought of it first, damnit. (Side Boob)

How awesome is "New Girl's" Schmidt? He wrote love letters to "Downton Abbey's" Mrs. Patmore, Carrie Mathison from "Homeland," and "Game of Throes'" Daenerys. Oh No Girl! You a Dragon Queen. (WarmingGlow)

Look: I love Instagram, because it's the perfect app for lame Dads who like to use filters to show off their adorable children. But Instagrammed websites? Now you're just making lame Dads look cooler by comparison. (Uproxx)

Using Google Maps, a New York City radio station has pinpointed all the restaurants that characters from "Mad Men" have eaten at so far. I just want to go to the one where Lane Pryce showed off his steak belt buckle. (WCNY)

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A few years ago, I wrote about the Gender Politics and Complex Sexual Identity Issues of Amanda Bynes' She's the Man, never knowing that Bynes herself would end up one of those addled former child stars. The latest? Apparently, she was charged with a DUI even though she doesn't drink, guys, and now she's asking President Obama for help. NATURALLY. I'm certain he's going to put aside his re-election efforts and focus all of his energy here. (DListed)

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you'd like to scream but you're in an inappropriate setting, then have we got the perfect gift for you! (Videogum)

Here are the five best plane crashes in cinema, you know, in case you need to add to the arsenal of nightmarish daydreams you have during turbulence. Just me? (Unreality)

Battlestar Galactica Viper plushes? Sure, why not. You people with discretionary income buy the craziest things. I'm still saving to buy a goldfish that looks just like the one in Jerry Maguire. (QMX)

Do you like playing dress up? Do you like HBO's "Girls"? How about your very own "Girls" paper dolls? (Vulture)

Aww, poor John Mayer is "humiliated" by a song that Taylor Swift wrote about him. F*ck you, John. You know who has the right to be humiliated about a song written about him? Ben Affleck. Because it's the worst song ever written. (Celebitchy)

Anyone else think that Matthew Weiner is endangering Kiernan Shipka (who plays Sally Draper) by making her the possible target of creepy perverts? No? Just this crazy TV critic? (WG)

FYI: If you're on LinkedIn, you need to change your password. (Metafilter)

You remember that 8-bit game from that episode of "Community"? Well, fans have created a playable version of it. (Flavorwire)

These 13 Facts about animal brains made me feel a little squicky reading them. (Neatorama)

You know what that high-school diploma you have is worth? Diddly piss. (Gawker)

FSR makes an interesting argument that Steven Spielberg's Hook might be a classic on par with The Wizard of Oz if it were released in 1939. Maybe, but the special effects work would probably get Spielberg burned for witchcraft. (FSR)

Not every movie should have a director's cut. Here are 13 that are weakened by them. (AV Club)

I'll leave you with this GIF of poor Mitt Romney losing a game of Jenga.

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Arrogant Ambassador

    Let's be real. That panty shot from Mad Men was pretty creepy. Not call child protective services creepy, but still. Pretty creepy. 

  • Logan

    If they were built in a lab why didn't they build adult size versions? Were they saving money?

  • L.O.V.E.

    Poor Mitt.  Even his dance partners are inanimate, wooden, and crumbling.

    Game of Jenga.  An allegory for a presidential candidacy.

  • Jezzer

    And the paper dolls have more depth than the actual cast of "Girls."  Well done.

  • Bert

    That's Mitt demonstrating his theory on the economy.  First, you take a block from the bottom, and you put it on top.  Then, take a  block from the middle, and put it on top.  Then keep taking blocks from the bottom and the middle and put them on the top.  Then some asshole putting blocks on top goes nuts with a block of subprime mortgages and knocks the goddamn tower over.  But it's ok, because you just take all those blocks and put them back on top!  The top will survive!

  • Peteygonzalez

    John my friend, it’s a broad, don’t get so upset. I could understand if you were going to marry this chick. You just don’t know it yet, but she did you a big favor. I mean really, two or three years married to her and you’d be begging to go on the road, that broad has ball breaker written all over her face.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Is that you, Pookie? It sure sounds like you! Why the pseudonym?

  • dahlia6

    Here's the best way to deal with flight anxiety. Half an hour before flight, take 2 Benadryl, then help yourself to an inflight drink or two. That plane could explode into a thousand fiery pieces and you wouldn't even know it until Saint Peter throws a bucket of water in your face because he's tired of stepping over your ass to unlock the Pearly Gates.

    I did this myself on a recent flight back from Las Vegas, and woke up as we were pulling in front of the concourse. My Dad looked over at me and said "we fell a thousand feet out of the sky and you slept through it." Apparently the plane had been hit by lightning and we lost power. I say apparently because I honestly have no idea.

  • fpkillkill

     Love this story! I larfed. A lot.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Call me when HuffPo (or any other "reputable" ha ha news site) has a section devoted to celebrity crotch bulge. Weiner's doesn't count.

    Poor Mayer. I like that Swift even has a line about how he'll complain about her not understanding and call her a traitor. Neat little trap. And if the lyrics suck, well, she's just some 19 year old chick. They can't all be Alannis. 

    (and yes, good golly, that Ben song is crazamazingly terrible. It also sounds like it was written by a 19 year old.)

    And I'm going to assume...for the sake of my sanity...that Amanda Bynes meant her tweet jokingly.

  • I made the mistake of clicking on the Jennifer Lopez song, thinking it could not possibly be the worst song ever written. I was so, so wrong. I'm going to curl up in the corner, sobbing, and try to forget.

    Also, fuck John Mayer for whining when he was a public douche canoe about absolutely everyone he fucked. A crappy song calling him  on his bullshit is the absolute least he deserved.

  • Samantha Klein

    So it's not that I'm a huge fan, or anything, but I'd just like to point out that it's JuliannE Hough, and she does actually have a lot of talent in the dance arena. You know, where she started, before she went all Hollywood? I'm not really disagreeing with your points, but just to give credit where it's due.

  • Jezzer

    Why does she capitalize the E like that?  It looks pretentious.

  • I can't stop looking at both those gifs. They are magical.

    BUT.  I'm kind of pissed that you guys didn't even bother with a slight spoiler warning on the Mad Men post for today. I mean, shit. Couldn't even put a less spoilery title on that?

    THIS IS WHY I PIRATE.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Wait a second. I could swear I saw that same tweet come from Chris Brown and the ghost of Ted Kennedy.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Schmidt's saved his best for Carrie.

    Lithium? Lithi-yum. No. 3: Uh-oh, I got a bomb strapped on me. Uh-oh. It’s my junk. Boom! … Knock, knock. It’s me. Wearing one of your pantsuits, you manic-depressive lil mama.

    we're gonna need a bigger jar

  • mswas

    Only the 1% has a Jenga game that big.

  • L.O.V.E.

     Jenga?  I thought he was doing a James Brown impression.

  • Wednesday

     Yeah, that looks like Jenga: Multinational Edition.  Or maybe the large-print version for senior citizens.  Was it custom-made for Romney out of endangered California redwoods or something?

  • lowercase_ryan

    I don't care who you are, who you know, what you do, or what you think you represent; if you use any form of social media to ask the President for a personal favor you are a fucking twit.

  • Guest

    Damn, they forgot Hitchcock's Foreign Correspondent when they drew up that plane crash list. It deserves an honourable mention.

  • Uriah_Creep

    The problem, Ranylt, is that the web is now run by kids who are too young to remember the sound of a modem negotiating a connection, much less fine "old" movies.

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