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Rape Victim Could Have 'Closed Legs', Says Lawyer, Plus Parents Have Found Yet Another Way to Be Insufferable

By Dustin Rowles | Pajiba Love | November 14, 2013 | Comments ()


adam-levine-25.jpg

Judd Apatow will produce a Key and Peele movie, he has announced, and this news couldn’t be any better after their appearance on The Daily Show last night, where they helped the news team identify racism. (Vulture)

Check out how much the characters from The Walking Dead have changed since early seasons, especially Hershel, whose waistline certainly has not been affected by the zombie apocalypse. The walkers, too, have been decomposing at a rapid rate over four seasons. (Uproxx)

People magazine has allegedly chosen the worst sexiest man alive in the history of sexiest men alive. (Celebitchy)

I’m sure you’ve already seen the incredibly unflattering Kerry Washington cover on Lucky magazine this month, but you have not lived until you have read the Fug Girls’ description of it. I ugly laughed so hard I should be on the next over of Lucky. (GFY)

This can’t be accurate, can it? Check out Eric Roberts’ filmography since, say, 2012. How many listings can you count before you just give up, there are way too many, seriously, EricRobertshasbeenin100moviesinthepast3years. (IMDB)

Over in Australia, a lawyer put forth a nauseatingly terrible defense, after his client, a bouncer, raped a woman, arguing that the victim should have “closed her legs.” The lawyer should probably “shut his mouth.” (Stuff)

One reality celebrity I’ve never heard of has suggested that another reality celebrity I’ve never heard of has a smelly hoo-ha, and that she could use some vagina deodorant, and now I’m glad I have no idea who these celebrities are. YOU’RE WELCOME. (Dlisted)

Here’s a deep, deep cut: 7 Reasons You Should Rewatch ‘Blankman’ Tonight. I don’t think I’ve heard that title since the day after it opened in theaters. (Underscoopfire)

Here’s the sad tale of the Roomba that committed suicide. (Geekologie)

This piece on how the McDonald’s McRib explains the rest of its menu is strangely fascinating. Also, disgusting. (The Atlantic)

This is pretty much exactly how a conversation would go between a couple who dressed up in Breaking Bad outfits for their engagement photo and someone who has never heard of Breaking Bad. (Videogum)

“Instead of rising to meet Spader’s slithery performance, The Blacklist stoops to get out of his way … Around his gaudy lead, series creator Jon Bokenkamp has assembled an unprecedented quorum of bores, a murder of stiffs the likes of which is rarely glimpsed outside of a morgue.” Way harsh, but I am completely invested in Spader, nevertheless. (Grantland)

These parents paid a nanny-consultant thousands of dollars to teach their nanny how to make gluten free kale so that their daughter would grow up to be a spoiled little sh*t. (NYTimes)

Kurt Sutter is talking with FX about a Sons of Anarchy prequel, but it won’t be the prequel you might expect. (WG)

For all of you movie wonks, or you wonky movies, here’s the 25 best unreleased movies of 2013, many of which you’ll never get to see, and many others you will expressly demand, only to ignore them when they eventually come to theaters, because we are a society driven by faux rage. RAGE, RAGE, AGAINST THE DY … ooooh! Shiny light! (Film.com)

Go to here. Click “Like.” If it gets enough “Likes” to win, I will randomly select one of you and send you a Pajiba T-shirt. You’ll also make an elementary school student incredibly happy. (FB)

This amazing trailer parody of Gravity set in an IKEA will speak to anyone who has ever been inside an IKEA.



Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Because every time you do an angel does the Paul Rudd dance

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Finance_Nerd

    Using the logic of Dumbass Kiwi Lawyer, he shouldn't complain if/when he gets kicked in the nuts by 1/2 the women in New Zealand. If he didn't want to get kicked there, he should have just moved his crotch out of the way.

  • e jerry powell

    I think that Roberts is taking a whole lot of small roles, because there's no way there's enough time in the year for him to have that many things in production all at the same time.

    But clearly, boyfriend has a mortgage to pay.

    I think "Sexiest Man Alive" is officially the printed version of getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame; you buy your way in.

    I can't say any more about the KW cover without repeating any of the vile things I've said already.

  • Ben

    Australia is not new zealand,
    In Australia we don't have to tell potential rapists that "Baa means no"

    In Australia rapists don't put the sheeps back legs into their gumboots so they can't runaway.

  • BlackRabbit

    The fact that it happened in "Wellington" makes this extra funny to me.

  • muscleman

    My sweet baboo Adam deserves every bit of this and I got wood just looking
    at that hot tounge...he's not a pretty boy, that's why he's SMOKIN'....
    Tell me that part again about taters last movie and where Ryan's career has gone.....

  • L.O.V.E.

    Dude, are you seriously using a bribe to rig a pizza shop contest?

    Maybe you should step away from watching 'Scandal' for a bit.

  • pajiba

    NOT ASHAMED.

  • bastich

    God, I hope that what he's doing! I picture the kid winning the prize, then Dustin throwing up a gang sign as they walk out and shouting "Y'ALL DONE JUST GOT PAJIBA'D!!!"

  • foolsage

    The rapist-defender who suggested the lady should have shut her legs... that's in Wellington, which is in New Zealand (not Australia).

  • Mrs. Julien

    The last time I stole something, it was from Ikea.

  • Hayley

    Whenever my husband and I go shopping there, we make sure to pose those weird faceless wooden figures into compromising positions. Then we buy the cinnamon rolls and go home.

  • emmelemm

    That's the most amazing and awesome thing I've ever heard and I know what I'm doing this weekend.... goin' to IKEA!

  • bastich

    I feel bad for your getaway driver.

    How long did he/she have to wait before you could find your way out?

  • L.O.V.E.

    Dustin, if he refuses to shut his mouth does that mean I get to shove my dick in it? Even though i'm not gay, I just have a sudden and uncontrollable urge to choke him with a dick legally but without his consent.

  • Jim

    Technically you said "a" dick so it's not remotely gay if you borrow one.
    Call me and we'll set up a time.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Yes! You win the reading comprehension award for the week.

    I was going to use the demon penis prop from 'This Is The End', but thanks for volunteering your penis.

  • Jim

    Oh, let's go with your first thought! We'll need a few people to help lift but it was your idea so you get to aim.

  • bastich

    Now that's what I call a gag order!

  • Ben

    HEYOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  • L.O.V.E.

    Just don't try to cut in front of me, or you'll be OUT OF ORDER.

    (Aaaaand, with that I just reverted to L1 status. Time to hit the Beer Shack).

  • bastich

    I don't know...does the Pajiba shirt come in a low-cut halter top style?

    I gots to let the moobs breath.

  • Parsnip

    Ha ha ha...IKEA, no word of a lie, it's like a casino, easy to get in and no way of getting out.

  • stella

    Wait. They have food at IKEA?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    They have a lot of food that I enjoy. They have $1 cinnamon buns that you smell all the while you wait on check out with your giant cart, and then you just have to buy one. They have really tasty frozen potato pancakes and broccoli/potato/cheese patties. Plus lingonberry stuff. So much lingonberry stuff. And chocolate bars. And little graham crackers in the letters I, K, E, A.

    I not only spend $200 on random stuff I can't account for in the shop itself, I invariably end up spending $30 on food as well.

  • 99 cent breakfast and Swedish meatballs, yo!

  • Bedewcrock

    With horse meat even!

  • At least the lingonberries should be safe.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Also, I spilled salsa on my Pajiba shirt so I really need a new one.

  • mairimba

    Mine is tight so I need a new one too. And my coffee mug broke. *sadface*

  • emmelemm

    Still rockin' my Pajiba mug, fortunately.

  • Addicct

    Me too (I am overprotective and possessive of it). I ordered my t-shirt large so it would never shrink on me and in a dark color so I won't stain it. I will have it forever!
    But that doesn't mean I wouldn't love a new one...

  • lowercase_ryan

    His criticism of The Blacklist is harsh. It is also 100% deserved. Quit making nice with this shitshow Dustin. Spader is amazing, everyone else on the show can jump off a cliff so long as they take the writers with them.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    Here here! I feel like the lead chick from The Blacklist should team up with Blue Steel and the other generic brunette from Agents of SHIELD and they can all go find their way into a Pantene commercial.

  • lowercase_ryan

    oh no way, I think Blacklist would be exponentially better if they swapped lead brunettes with SHIELD. That's how horrible Megan Boone is. I'm not exaggerating at all. She is the worst actor on prime time TV right now.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    True, she's definitely the floor, but Agents of SHIELD being just one iota better is not much of a defense. Also, every scene with her insanely supportive and superfluous husband is a tedium that knows no ends. *Spoilers* Why they decided to imply Spader is her father instead of go all Hannibal-Clarice/Mulder-Scully I'll never know.

    In fact, I think a much better show would be one where Spader sometimes consults with SHIELD using the Person of Interest computer and Jim Caviezel and Ming Na Wen kick ass while Coulson brings home the witty reparte and Michael Emerson takes the scientists under his wing. SHIELD's Blacklisted Persons.

    I think I need more sleep.

  • I'd watch that show.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    The title here is the opposite of love. There is much on this link assortment that makes me sad/angry. Can we break the link dumps into "Pajiba Love" and "The World Sucks Extra Hard Today" categories?

  • bastich

    They should start a "Pajiba Hate" feature, so that we could have all of our sad/angry links in one place.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    "Pajiba Hate" just easily jumps to "Pajiba SMASH" in my mind.

  • Jim

    And in this case, a "Pajiba Kick That Asshole Lawyer in the Nuts for a Week or Two" subsection.

    I mean, Jeezie Chreezie, is it 1978 or something and no one told me?

  • Samantha Klein

    Shouldn't it be...I dunno, Hiddles? Or (god help us) Gingersnap? Based on the "actors having a big year" formula that People generally adopts...

  • Three_nineteen

    I think People adopts a "whoever buys the most adspace" formula. This year, it's apparently The Voice.

  • Bedewcrock

    I wonder if NYTimes closed the comments section on purpose with the nanny culinary consultants article because they knew everyone would SHAME them. $2500?? Jesus.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    They generally don't have comments enabled on articles - it's for commentary & blogs. (I'm still thinking about how out of the way you have to go to make a kale salad HAVE gluten)

  • Bodhi

    That was my immediate thought as well. I hope its served with non-GMO water

  • bastich

    You have obviously never tried my "Deep-Fried Kale Topped With Waffles" recipe.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I haven't. RECIPE, PLEASE.

  • The height difference between the couple in the Ikea video is freaking me out more than being trapped in an Ikea all day.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    The Eric Roberts movie list doesn't surprise me as he was in my short film about a vibrator that becomes sentient.

  • bastich

    Does it go around killing people with its psychic powers, like that killer tire movie from a few years back?

  • BlackRabbit

    Or the one about the killer penis? Or the killer condom?

  • Al Borland's Beard

    It's a coming of age drama about self-discovery and finding one's path. The main character eventually realizes that he's just a big, fake prick, not terribly different than all the other big, fake pricks. Despite that, he still goes on to have a semi-successful acting career under the name 'Shia Lebouf'.

  • bastich

    OMG! Do you need some ad copy written for the movie poster?!? I gotcher back:

    "Sometimes you have to go into the darkness to get into the light....then back into the darkness...then back into the light....then back into....."

  • Sara_Tonin00

    LINK, PLEASE

  • mairimba

    Adam Levine is pure sex.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    No and no. This Thai trans singer puts his warbly falsetto to shame.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • mairimba

    No one is talking about his singing.

  • bonnie

    Wow, haters be hating today [that was in reference to the downvotes].

  • bonnie

    When Adam Levine remembers to shave, shower, and eat a sandwich, he *can* be sexy. But his preferred MOs of style mostly seem to be unshaven lumberjack and cracked-out manorexic swimsuit model, so the protests are understandable.

  • Bodhi

    That is an affront to sexy lumberjacks everywhere

  • bonnie

    There is a big difference between a sexy lumberjack (Nick Offerman) and a scary, cracked-out lumberjack.

  • Bodhi

    This is very, very true

  • Smokin

    I WANT THAT SHIRT, ROWLES.

  • Amelie

    I love that that awful story about the lawyer and his ridiculously stupid defense comment was attributed to a lawyer from Australia. And not the actual (and lovely) country that it really happened in.

  • pajiba

    Stupid Americans can never tell the difference between New Zealand and Australia. They're the WORST.

    ... oh wait.

  • L.O.V.E.

    They also can't tell the difference between Hispanics and Caucasians.

    Zing!

  • Amelie

    A bit like how people are always confusing Canada and America with each other then? ;o)

    (And I really did like that you confused Aus with NZ. Australians are always trying to 'claim' various Kiwis as Aussies- this one they can gladly have!)

  • bastich

    Are those the real names of those countries? I've always just called them "Mad Max" and "Xena".

  • Al Borland's Beard

    I always thought the only difference was each country's pronunciation of the word "car".

  • It's okay; I get your Flight of the Conchords reference. You and I, we're not like them. Awww shushshushshush, it's not that bad. And now, it's just you and I. And you will never leave this place. Yes, welcome, mortal, to my plane of infinite esoterica. Don't run. There is no exit for you now. You are trapped, forever in Obscuro.

    You are currently here [points to park map] somewhere between the Mountains of Underground 90's Vinyl and the sea of Independent French Cinema. Make yourself at home. Also, no magnets, for obvious reasons.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Finally, a home. Can we just sit around and watch episodes of 'Homeboys in Space'?

  • Jenna Milton

    @bastich69:disqus jսst­ ­bef○re­ ­і­ ­saw­ ­tհe­ ­draft­ ­○v­ ­ ­$­­­­­­9­­­9­­13,­ ­і­ ­aссeрt­ ­...tհat...my­ ­frіe­ո­ds­ ­br○tհer­ ­ aсtսally­ ­makі­ո­ɡ­ ­m○­ո­ey­ ­рarttіme­ ­at­ ­tհere­ ­ labt○р..­ ­tհere­ ­ɡreat­ ­aս­ո­t­ ­հaz­ ­d○­ո­e­ ­tհіs ­ ­f○r­ ­○­ո­ly­ ­ab○սt­ ­a­ ­year­ ­a­ո­d­ ­a­ ­ sհ○rt­ ­tіme­ ­aɡ○­ ­рaіd­ ­tհe­ ­m○rtɡaɡe­ ­○­ո­ ­ ­tհere­ ­հ○սse­ ­a­ո­d­ ­b○սɡհt­ ­a­ ­ɡ○rɡe○սs ­ ­­ո­іssa­ո­­ ­ɡT-R:.­ ­read­ ­m○re­ ­at,..Perfect23.com

  • bastich

    @claushyk838:disqus For the last time, I shall not be dragged into your cursed cult! Throw yourself at me all you want, offer me money, riches, and power -- but I will never give in to the dark urgings of your eldritch order.

    Please forgive me, my love, but I have given up trying to save you. As I told you during those lost weeks in Paris, you must choose, once and for all: run away with me, love me, complete me...or continue your dark doings with the Hermetic Order of Perfect23. com.

    With the fullest of hearts, I await your answer.

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