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Parents Are Terrible, Elizabeth Hasslebeck Is Worse, And Sofia Vergara Will Bring Guns To A Knife Fight

By TK | Pajiba Love | March 11, 2013 | Comments ()


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Hello there, you little worms. Here's some rotten fruit and rancid meat for you to snack on. Please, do choke on it enjoy.

This past weekend, we New Englanders were subject to yet another winter storm. The forecast for my town was 6-8 inches. We got two feet. I'd like to retroactively tell my roommate from sophomore year -- a meteorology major -- to suck Satan's cock in hell. On the bright side, I finally understand why there's always a mad rush for milk and bread. (Chuck & Beans)

Last week saw the release of Crystal Dynamics' Tomb Raider, the new, modern take on the beloved video game franchise. It's notable for Lara Croft being depicted as more than just boobs, booty shorts, and a British accent, but it's also apparently quite good. I don't know that I call it a giant leap for feminism, but it's as far as video games go it's kind of a big deal. (Ctrl+Alt+Del)

Speaking of women and video games, here's an awesome dad who hacked Donkey Kong so that his daughter could "play as a girl and save Mario." (Uproxx)

On the other hand... one thing I've learned now that I've become a parent? Parents are fucking insufferable and their children are awful. (STFU Parents)

No, really. (STFU Parents again, for good measure)

You know who else is insufferable? Elizabeth Hasslebeck. In fact, she's such an insufferable harpy that she was booted off "The View," a show hosted by a bunch of insufferable harpies. (Celebitchy)

Least Helpful is one of my go-to sites for when I want to abandon humanity to the wolves. Where else can you find evidence that Wreck-It Ralph is a sign of the end times, that Brother Bear is an evil liberal plot, Brave is full of pagan witch-whores, and that Curious George is actually a horror movie. And that's just in the last week. (Least Helpful)

True story: I've never cared for Li'L Wayne, and when Tha Carter III was tearing it up a couple of years ago, I never quite understood why. I also think he's kind of a dickbucket. In the remix of The Future's "Karate Chop," he manages to be both misogynistic and use the murder of a 14 year-old for laughs. So, yeah, he's a dickbucket. (Racialicious)

By the way, if your computer isn't working, it's not a virus. It's probably because you're an idiot. (via XKCD)

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There is a very specific group of film and television nerds who would love a website that maps out the floorplans of popular film and TV homes. I'm comfortable being in that group. And don't act like you're not right there with me. I particularly like this one of 742 Evergreen Terrace. (My Modern Met, via reader TheOtherGreg)

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In light of the awfulness that was The Last Exorcism Part II, here's a sacrilicious list of Seven Creepy Biblical Horror Flicks. It has one of my all-time favorites on there, so it wins. I'll give you a hint: "The Box. You opened it. We came." (Film School Rejects)

Robert Rodriguez is directing Machete Kills, the sequel to the grindhouse semi-hit Machete, and he's cast Sofia Vergara. And her -- ah -- guns will be on full display. Sort of. (Unreality)
machete-kills.jpg

I would absolutely watch a well-done documentary about "Calvin & Hobbes" and Bill Waterson. Here's how you can help make it happen. (Kotaku)

OK, now I know that my saying "here's a video of a clock" is not the most exciting thing in the world. But this particular clock is also a work of art, and if it was in my home I would spend days on end just staring at it. Also, the music is by Anna Von Hauswolff, who is amazing.

Lastly, to whet your whistle for the upcoming awesomeness that will be Season Three of "Game of Thrones," I give you the high school-set webseries, "School of Thrones."

TK will hurt you for this.







Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • The Kilted Yaksman

    What the fuck is biblical about Event Horizon or Hellraiser? Just because hell is mentioned? Pretty fucking thin...

  • Wembley

    I used to draft plans for a home builder. I did a version of 742 Evergreen Terrace (after seeing the one built in Vegas) and put in our plan book. No one noticed; or wanted to build it. Doh!

  • John W

    That dad who hacked Donkey Kong for his daughter should get together with the dad who photoshopped the Ewoks into photos for his daughter and see what develops.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Oh my GAWD!!! I thought the couples blog was bad, but is just beyond the beyond. I'm getting a triple hysterectomy and those Tartar-style bell implants that they put in their testicles because all told I believe in giving people a head start. But they'd better run quickly because a gun-stock war club is a terrible thing to waste and I have two.

  • Kati

    There is a special circle in Hell reserved for parents who act helpless in the fac of their child's Lord of the Flies behavior. I've got two of my own, and Jesus God in heaven, I never ever allowed their behavior to be anyone else's headache. My husband and I did not eat together at a restaurant for three years with our first one. THREE YEARS of swapping out seats to take turns eating with my in-laws when Dub was being a pain in the ass (aka a toddler). We didn't ever bring them to an over-rated-G movie, nor did we bring them to said film past 1 pm. No concerts, no late-night grocery runs, no waiting anywhere unless we were prepared to just take off if he lost his shit. We live in a community where a certain level of social grace makes the interactions possible, so we whisked the kids out if they couldn't hold it together.

    The hasty exits did not happen scott-free. Once Dub and Snow could understand stimulus-response, they got one warning before we pulled the plug o whatever was going on - movie, ice cream, playground visit, etc. There was no reasoning with those little bundles of id, so we didn't. And there was certainly no bargaining or cajoling - you have one chance to act human, or you choose to leave and deal with any subsequent fallout.

    In short, I'm a parent, which makes my kids' behavior my responsibility, no matter what the circumstances. It means missing out, it means taking the high road. I guess it means that I've got to be the adult, and the best version of my self I can be.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    This is a truly amazing link dump.

  • JJ

    "Hello there, you little worms. Here’s some rotten fruit and rancid meat for you to snack on."

    And given that worms are both male and female, TK would like us to go fuck ourselves.

  • e jerry powell

    Re: The View

    Barbara Walters says otherwise.

    Sigh.

  • Sherry

    School of Thrones is extremely clever. So clever that I can't come up with anything snappy to say about it (as opposed to my usual razor-sharp wit? no...). The Greyjoys are a nice subtle touch, as are Dany's eyebrows (okay, not so subtle, more like realistic). Hope they keep it up!

  • They left The Prophecy off their list of Biblical Horror Movies, which is a sin in it's own right. As great as Christopher Walken is in that movie, Viggo Mortenson comes within a thin hair of stealing the movie out from under him as Satan and he's only on screen for maybe seven-ten minutes.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    "I can lay you out and fill your mouth with your mother's feces... or we can talk. "

  • Quatermain

    "While Heaven may be closed, I am always open, even on Christmas..."

  • Slash

    Man, that STFU Parents site is a real time suck. I've never been on Facebook, so I had no idea how many arrogant, self-involved parents there were. It's a somewhat unpleasant realization. But the site itself is amusing. Kinda like Cakewrecks, only for parenting.

  • MissAmynae

    My sister-in-law posted a picture of her daughter's first poop in the potty. Yes, she literally posted shit on Facebook.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    I've never been on Facebook or Twitter either and holy crap, these dames have crackish ways about them, don't they? Who's copulating with these people?

  • Brown

    Tough to help a Kickstarter that ended last July.

  • Anna von Beav

    "On the bright side, I finally understand why there’s always a mad rush for milk and bread."

    THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING.

  • John W

    I don't know why they booted Hasslebeck, what did Don Corleone say about keeping your enemies closer...

  • Maguita NYC

    Yeah... The problem are her views: A tad out of a touch, and a lot out of whack with today's working woman. Which the show supposedly represents.

    True she had been more vocal in her support of gay marriage lately, however, she still stands very extreme and rather regurgitates every nonsense the Carl Rove network feeds her on The View. Basically, one unfortunately neutralizes the other.

    It's like saying that you have gay friends, but then vote for the party that belittles your friends, thrives on every turn to deprive them of their basic American rights, let alone their human rights. Some great friend you are! Would hate to see how you'd treat your enemies. I'm glad she is leaving, might give the new show a shot during one of my "sick days".

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Beyond whatever her views were, she couldn't make a cogent point to save her life. She's like the person who speaks to a blind person or someone in a wheelchair in a loudly and slowly because somehow that would make a difference. If you make a point and someone asks you substantiate it, you don't communicate it by just saying it louder or cry 'bully' if you're asked a follow-up question. She's 35 years old, she's not Hello Kitty and she would misguidedly ratchet up the tension and exasperation of anyone around because she took it all so personally. I sound like I hate her, which I can't be bothered to do and I don't watch the show in the first place, so...

    It was always pretty evident that she didn't use any kind of critical thinking about what she was saying because no analysis came out after the heading and forget doing any kind of source checking when she went 'the internet' and signed up for the John Stossel Mustache Ride raffle. Rather, she would see something that one of her pet pundits said, decide if it was 'family values' enough and that was the convincing she'd need. No experts on the panel, to be sure, I mean Sherri Shepherd and her rhombus-shaped Earth theory or whatever hooping funt she talks about. But if you're going to talk politics on a show that's broadcast in however many nations you have to do a little bit better than present dissent with a Wikipedia Pamphlet War.

    She wasn't the only Republican there, she was just the worst one, or at least brazenly misinformed about her opposition and even her own position. I imagine that what with her pulling down the ratings in her targeted demographic, someone up there decided that if the show wants a right-wing mouthpiece it shouldn't be one that sounds like a weasel being forced through a fan belt. They say she softened some, which is encouraging, but can't imagine it resulting more substantial than 'This one's going up to ten today, guys'.

    They didn't kick her off because she's a Republican, they kicked her off because she's her.

  • Slim

    How is the show supposed to represent today's working woman? When it is on, I'm at work. I think it is for today's 'at home on disability' woman. And Elisabeth hates those freeloaders too...

  • $27019454

    She looks like a fuckin white shark with those fuckin teeth and the dead fuckin eyes. Fuck.

  • John W

    It's funny that new Lara Croft game looks like a rip off of Uncharted which of course was a rip off of Lara Croft.

  • apsutter

    I think it's better than Uncharted and much better than I expected.

  • Puddin

    I like to read STFU Parents after I get back from seeing my reproductive endocrinologist. Makes those trigger shots a little less painful.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I hate that I loved that sweet valley high bullshit. You're such an ass.

  • Brown

    Nice to see the actress who plays Lydia Bennet on The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, but the actress from Hey Ash Watcha Playin'? Ugh.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I have no idea who any of those people are, I just recognized the play on words on the school sign.

  • Genevieve Burgess

    This is not the first time I've seen one of those machine gun bra arrangements for a movie or TV show and I always wonder what, exactly, the firing mechanism is. Like, she's throwing her shoulders back but the inherent squishy nature of boobs means that even when you force them against something (like, say, if there was some kind of pressure trigger inside the cup) they don't have enough firmness to really apply the necessary pressure. Unless they've got a hair trigger on those things and THAT could get awkward. "Man, that sure was a long battle fighting zombies, I just need to stretch out a bi- NO! I'M SORRY! GODDAMNIT THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS!"

    Also, how long is the barrel? Where's the firing pin? Wouldn't you end up with some serious gun powder burns on your tits? This is why I can't have nice things.

  • Buck Forty

    Those guns are fired by mind control. It's how all women achieve everything.

  • Natallica

    We're talking about a universe where hot girls fall for Danny Trejo by the minute. It's not that LOGIC is a big part of it

  • Jezzer

    I don't think Hollywood knows boobs are supposed to be squishy.

  • BWeaves

    I just use lasers. I'm really an A cup, so the DD's have plenty of room for the electronics.

  • Bert_McGurt

    "Are you concealing the impractically short barrels of a titillating novelty firearm brassiere to be covertly and fatally unleashed on some unsuspecting mook distracted by your impossibly beautiful and bounteous cleavage - or is it just cold in here?"

  • TheOtherGreg

    WHERE DO THEY KEEP THE BULLETS!?

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Ammo-storage implants?

  • Genevieve Burgess

    EXACTLY.

  • apsutter

    The new Tomb Raider is awesome and so much fun. Great story and superb voice acting and I love the new Lara.

  • BWeaves

    I challenge anybody to draw the Brady Bunch house and have the inside match the outside.

    It cannot be done, not even drawing on the surface of a Klein bottle.

  • dizzylucy

    And Mike Brady was supposedly an architect.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That staircase was a DEATH TRAP!

  • Nadine

    ...wassat extra room in the Simpsons house? That isn't there

  • Bert_McGurt

    They've put a bar and a bed in the garage it seems. Granted, it's something that Homer would no doubt approve of. I also don't recall that room in the top right, though it could just be in an episode I haven't seen.

  • JJ

    No doubt approve of? Homer is the one who opens the bar, sorry, "hunting club," in his garage after Moe turns his tavern into a high-end nightclub.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I thought it was in the basement? Or am I conflating them with goddamn Family Guy again?

  • JJ

    You may be thinking of the prohibition episode where Homer bootlegged from his basement by way of beer-filled bowling balls (Alliteration!).

  • Bert_McGurt

    "Are you the Beer Baron?"

    "Yes, but only by night. By day I am a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper."

    "Don't crack wise with me, Tubby!"

    "Tubby? (looks down) Oh, yes, Tubby."

  • Nadine

    "I'll get you Beer Baron!"
    'no you wont'
    'YES I WILL!'
    'no you wont'

  • Nadine

    Homer opens the bar in the garage, Peter Griffin had one in the basement. But Homer did also make booze in the (suddenly cavernous) basement when booze was banned.

    I think the artist has maybe used some licence to fill in what may well be a void in the house on the show. I mean, the kitchen has the basement stairs and the garage door opening into that little space we never quite see inside through the archway beside the fridge, and the back wall of the house runs along that far (though from the front the garage meets the fence but from the back and in some episodes there is a gap)

    But there is no extra back door, and there's no room, at all, we've never been inside one unless it's a recent addition.

    Actually...they've replaced the basement stairs with a toilet. Without that, you would just run the basement stairs downwards and that space is probably for hanging coats . I DON'T LIKE THIS. WE FEAR CHANGE.

  • Robert

    As a religious horror aficionado, I fully endorse the viewing of every film on that Creepy Biblical Horror Film list. Especially Hellraiser. And if you really want to get into the sacrilege of it all, skip on over to Hellraiser 3. It's a bad movie with one of the most shocking and offensive displays of blasphemy I've ever seen and I've watched a lot of sisters of Satan films.

  • the other courtney

    Sanctimoms crack me up. "Congratulations. You had sex and the sperm took. What an accomplishment. Please, tell me more about how the entire planet needs to take heed your child-rearing call because doing what you're SUPPOSED to do is tantamount to finding the cure for cancer and clearly, your offspring is Christ himself."

    I have kids. It's a lot of work. I don't think anyone cares nor should they. Feeding them, clothing them and trying to keep them from ending up on Court TV isn't on the small print on the contract, it's the big, bold type up at the top.

  • Kballs

    Reminds me of Chris Rock's bit about some men who brag about shit they're supposed to do, like it's something special.

    "I take care of my kids!"

    You're supposed to take care of your kids you stupid motherfucker!

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    If a man says, 'I take CARE of my kids', there's a 100 per cent chance that he doesn't.

  • lonolove
  • JJ

    I like to see girls of that... caliber.

  • bbmcrae

    YEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

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