Parents Are Terrible, Elizabeth Hasslebeck Is Worse, And Sofia Vergara Will Bring Guns To A Knife Fight
Hello there, you little worms. Here's some rotten fruit and rancid meat for you to snack on. Please, do
choke on it enjoy.
This past weekend, we New Englanders were subject to yet another winter storm. The forecast for my town was 6-8 inches. We got two feet. I'd like to retroactively tell my roommate from sophomore year -- a meteorology major -- to suck Satan's cock in hell. On the bright side, I finally understand why there's always a mad rush for milk and bread. (Chuck & Beans)
Last week saw the release of Crystal Dynamics' Tomb Raider, the new, modern take on the beloved video game franchise. It's notable for Lara Croft being depicted as more than just boobs, booty shorts, and a British accent, but it's also apparently quite good. I don't know that I call it a giant leap for feminism, but it's as far as video games go it's kind of a big deal. (Ctrl+Alt+Del)
Speaking of women and video games, here's an awesome dad who hacked Donkey Kong so that his daughter could "play as a girl and save Mario." (Uproxx)
On the other hand... one thing I've learned now that I've become a parent? Parents are fucking insufferable and their children are awful. (STFU Parents)
No, really. (STFU Parents again, for good measure)
You know who else is insufferable? Elizabeth Hasslebeck. In fact, she's such an insufferable harpy that she was booted off "The View," a show hosted by a bunch of insufferable harpies. (Celebitchy)
Least Helpful is one of my go-to sites for when I want to abandon humanity to the wolves. Where else can you find evidence that Wreck-It Ralph is a sign of the end times, that Brother Bear is an evil liberal plot, Brave is full of pagan witch-whores, and that Curious George is actually a horror movie. And that's just in the last week. (Least Helpful)
True story: I've never cared for Li'L Wayne, and when Tha Carter III was tearing it up a couple of years ago, I never quite understood why. I also think he's kind of a dickbucket. In the remix of The Future's "Karate Chop," he manages to be both misogynistic and use the murder of a 14 year-old for laughs. So, yeah, he's a dickbucket. (Racialicious)
By the way, if your computer isn't working, it's not a virus. It's probably because you're an idiot. (via XKCD)
There is a very specific group of film and television nerds who would love a website that maps out the floorplans of popular film and TV homes. I'm comfortable being in that group. And don't act like you're not right there with me. I particularly like this one of 742 Evergreen Terrace. (My Modern Met, via reader TheOtherGreg)
In light of the awfulness that was The Last Exorcism Part II, here's a sacrilicious list of Seven Creepy Biblical Horror Flicks. It has one of my all-time favorites on there, so it wins. I'll give you a hint: "The Box. You opened it. We came." (Film School Rejects)
Robert Rodriguez is directing Machete Kills, the sequel to the grindhouse semi-hit Machete, and he's cast Sofia Vergara. And her -- ah -- guns will be on full display. Sort of. (Unreality)
I would absolutely watch a well-done documentary about "Calvin & Hobbes" and Bill Waterson. Here's how you can help make it happen. (Kotaku)
OK, now I know that my saying "here's a video of a clock" is not the most exciting thing in the world. But this particular clock is also a work of art, and if it was in my home I would spend days on end just staring at it. Also, the music is by Anna Von Hauswolff, who is amazing.
Lastly, to whet your whistle for the upcoming awesomeness that will be Season Three of "Game of Thrones," I give you the high school-set webseries, "School of Thrones."
TK will hurt you for this.
Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)
Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)
Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his
Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)