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Alison Haislip Will C*nt Punt Her Way Into Your Heart

By TK | Pajiba Love | April 23, 2013 | Comments ()


alison-haislip-courtney-lindberg-photoshoot-2011-52886.jpg

It's Tuesday, I'm hungry, shut your goddamn pieholes and let's get to some linky links. Also, you're ugly.

Michael Bay, otherwise known as The Death Of Storytelling, has an apology of sorts for the catastrophe (natch) that was Armageddon. Of course, his "apology" is more a backhanded jab at the studio, because he's Michael fucking Bay and he does no wrong despite being an uncreative hack. Hey, I'll freely admit to owning Armageddon. It's at the top of my drunk-as-hell-laugh-my-ass-off movie list. (Vulture)

You know who isn't an uncreative hack? Roald Dahl, and with a cluttered yet gorgeously inspirational workspace like this, you can see why. Here are photographs of the workspaces of 40 of our greatest creative minds. It's strangely fascinating. (Buzzfeed)
enhanced-buzz-19542-1366045344-9.jpg

Speaking of... um... creative, Costume Craze is selling a series of Star Wars-themed bodysuits. What's the big deal, you ask? It's just another kind of costume, you say?

star-wars-skintight-costumes-2.jpg

Wrong. That's not a costume, that's a Lucasian gimp suit nightmare. If you ever see one of these at a Con, you find a bat and you beat this person to death before you end up covered in their own special kind of carbonite. (Unreality)

In the aftermath of last week's chaos in Boston and Watertown (two cities that I'm quite close to), FOX News wants to know why people weren't encouraged to get their guns. Because what would have really helped the already confusing and volatile situation? Untrained, panicky, and terrified armed civilians. (Really, Fox News?)

Here's a post that FOX News would absolutely despise: An interesting discussion on what words we find insulting and offensive, and what words we're trying to eliminate from our vocabulary. I've had innumerable debates on this issue, and my position slides around a little, which is why I love the discussion in the first place. (Persephone Magazine)

On the subject of offensive and insulting, Bret Easton Ellis has been banned from the GLAAD awards, because of a series of obnoxious, inflammatory (and very Ellis-like) tweets he made a while back. I say good for them. Ellis likes to throw gas on the fires a bit too much for my liking, and it's done in the spirit of self-aggrandizement and attention-whoring, not because he wants to actually make a contribution to any discourse. So ban away. (Celebitchy)

And now, an essay on the truth about college a cappella and the trouble it faces. I love you awesome nerds. (Monkey See/NPR)

You guys want to know where one of the most bizarre and crazilicious places in the US is? Maine. I love Maine. It's beautiful, stunning, there is spectacular camping and hiking and other nature-y things, some amazing little towns, great food and beer. Oh, and also crazy-ass hermits who haven't had contact with another human in almost 30 years, but will still steal all your shit. (Boston Globe)

Those of us video game nerds will always have our beloved, nerdtastic catchphrases. "All your base are belong to us." "The cake is a lie." "Would you kindly?" "But our princess is in another castle!" "Sperm does not exist." Wait, what was that last one? Oh boy, must mean a new Grand Theft Auto is coming. (Gamma Squad)

So, uh, here's Halle Berry in her Storm outfit on the set of X-Men: Days of Future Past. No further comment. (Facebook/Superherostuff.com)

OK, we need some awesome superhero stuff to cleanse our palates after that mess. Here we go: Absolutely kickass posters are going to be given out at select midnight screenings of Iron Man 3. These things are stunning. (Film School Rejects)

It's true: Sexy time is awkward as hell with animals in the room. No, I didn't mean it that way, you degenerate. (Questionable Content)

Yes, yes, the video of Michael Shannon reading that whackadoodle sorority sister's pyschotic screed was amusing. But I prefer the lovely Alison Haislip, who gives it an air of authenticity. Mmmm... taste the crazy.

Not your thing? OK then. Courtesy of Josh Kurp over at Uproxx, how about teen comedian, Britain's Got Talent contestant, and cerebral palsy sufferer Jack Carroll, who absolutely destroys when he gets his opportunity. It's actually goddamn genius. (Though the insipid commentary at the end will make you cringe)

BONUS VIDEO:

Batman. Sherlock Holmes. RAP BATTLE.

You can find TK on Twitter or email him here, but it won't make him like you.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • TK HAS SPACE DEMENTIA.

    Goddamn I love that movie. That's why you're my favorite.

  • John W

    I strongly encourage everyone out there who has a gun to make a pilgrimage to Fox news headquarters and show them how much you love guns. Don't allow them to force you to leave until you show them your gun. Make sure they get a close look at it. Insist on it. Because guns are great.

  • John W

    Actually I want to modify my original comment. I want everyone to take a gun and a video game, one in each hand, to Fox News Headquarters and see which one causes more worry.

    I want to see if they say, "Look out he/she has a video game!" or "Look out he/she has a gun!"

  • RE: Ellis and Twitter. First of all, getting mad at tweets is retarded. Twitter is so vacuous and ephemeral that offhand, I can't think of anything less worth the time and energy you would spend getting mad about it. Secondly, they 'warned him not discuss it?' Really? What are they going to do if he does? Besides A) nothing and B) complain some more.

  • If you've got the stones to use a word, have the stones to leave it uncensored. If you've not got the stones to leave it uncensored, don't use it.

  • e jerry powell

    Bret Easton Ellis is a DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCHE.

    As if it needed to be said.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I love the rap battles, and that one in particular (though I think Robin wins it.) I've been trying to get a friend who loves both DC and Sherlock to watch it, and he disdains my recommendations. Now that it's on Pajiba he probably will watch it, and I'll have to punch him.

    And then I'll go retroactively answer Mrs. Julien's weekend diversion.

  • yocean

    The guy who's playing rapping Sherlock Holmes is Zack Sherwin and I have worked with him on the YouTube Gamer Comedy called GameStain. He is a really polite and funny guy. Here's some of his works (do forgive my shameless plugging)

    Halo 4 episode (at the end he does Cortana Rampant Rap)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

    MineCraft Creeper song

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

    We are doing new show (still gamer comedy animation) at Geek and Sundry. Google Fetch Quest at Geek and Sundry if you are interested.

  • TK

    Holy fuck, how did I not know of this before?

  • yocean

    I did send you guys link few times you know? The executive producer and creator (my boss) is one of the writers from Robot Chicken (Coulda very well have been Seth Green's ghost writer) and there are writers from Beavis and Butthead and Nerdist and IGN and The Daily Show in our staff. Here's the link to the episode 1 of our new show with Geek and Sundry, Fetch Quest: Indie Games

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • yocean

    On the subject of word policing: I have a heard time explaining to my Singapore and friend that "Jap" is not a just short of Japanese or Japan but it is in fact a very offensive term for Japanese American. Especially when some of my Japanese friend use that word. In many Asian culture, we like to shorten words and JAP is how the country is notified in passports and such. But really, if these people want to make some thing that appeals to Americans or live here, they should fucking know.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Offensive to Asians? What about the Steinbergs of Long Island?!

  • yocean

    Ummm, offensive to Japanese American. Sorry didn't get your reference.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Should I say that if you want to live here, you should just know? ;)

    Maybe it's growing up in the NY/NJ region, but I don't think I've heard anyone other than WW2 vets refer to Japanese as "Japs."

  • Ghisent

    JAP is also a derogatory term that stands for Jewish American Princess.

  • Genevieve Burgess

    I'm going to now have to physically restrain myself from writing a gender-flipped version of "Glengarry Glen Ross" set in a sorority house using ample excerpts from that rant for the character of Blake. Which is an actual name a sorority girl would have.

    And it could be Gamma Gamma Rho…

    Goddamnit, I really need someone to tell me that's a terrible idea because it's getting more attractive by the minute.

  • Monica

    Why would you NOT do this? You need to do this now, for yourself and for everyone. As soon as possible, please. Always Be C*nt-punting?

  • lowercase_ryan

    That kid has intestinal fortitude to spare and comedic potential, but didn't find him that funny. I suck as a human.

  • BWeaves

    He's 14, and he's trying to put people at ease with his disability and create a possible career. I thought he was mildly amusing, and I hope he goes far.

  • BabyBearStrikesAgain

    I don't laugh out loud unless it's REALLY funny so I thought it was just me...

  • dizzylucy

    How many of those bodysuits are they expecting to sell? I have to think the serial killer market is fairly small.

  • It puts the bacta on it's skin or else it gets the carbonite again...

  • Robert

    I wish I could use that sorority e-mail as an audition monologue. I really do. That's brilliantly authentic villain material there.

  • NateMan

    I'm all for making language inclusive, but the day I can't use lame, crazy, nuts, etc. to describe things I'm learning sign language for the express purpose of using terrible words all day long without anyone knowing it. There is, in fact, such a thing as going too far.

    Around my nephew and niece, I'm not supposed to say 'stupid'. I'm supposed to say 'silly'. I'm sorry, but those two words are not goddamn interchangeable. Stepping out in front of traffic is not silly. It's friggin stupid, idiotic, lame, nuts, and every other word meaning completely and utterly moronic.

    I'm all for not using retarded, the f-word, and the n-word as insults. I do, however, feel pretty damn stupid being forced to say or read 'the n-word'. As Louis C.K. says, all it does is put the actual word in the mind of the person listening to the discussion, and makes THEM say it, if only in their head. Man up and say the word we're discussing. If we're discussing how the n-word should never be used by anyone, let's not pretend it's goddamn Voldemort.

  • Karen

    This won't help you, but I have replaced retarded with fucktarded as i have yet to find an instance where it is not truly the best descriptive for the person or action I am discussing.

  • anikitty

    I was once chastised by a 10 year old for saying "crap". I said, "Oh honey, crap is the word I use so I don't say the bad one."

  • Whipping Fanny

    Can I live at Rudyard Kipling's house?

  • DataAngel

    Can I share with you? I don't take up a lot of room.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Me too

  • DeltaJuliet

    I live in Maine and that damn story will not go away. I think I am the only person who is not interested in it.
    And yeah, Maine is beautiful, bizarre AND crazy. What a place.

  • Monica

    MAINE JUSTICE!

  • NateMan

    The day I hit the lottery (which, since I don't play, is a looooong time from now) I'm packing up the family and moving to the Maine shore. I want black rocks and cold water all day, every day.

  • DeltaJuliet

    Come on up. We have plenty of both!

  • tamatha_uhmelmahaye

    Alison Haislip's rendition of that email message was just too perfect for words.

  • Neil Gaiman's office is a delight, as well. I have much jealousy over this writing space:

  • BWeaves

    I want that tree house, or whatever it is.

    But I'd settle for Rudyard Kipling's den, too.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I hope he goes there to hide from his wife.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Mr. Julien just swooned from jealousy.

  • PaddyDog

    I have much jealousy over that beautiful while shepherd dog.

  • TraceAndM

    I'm so very sorry to inform you that his dog, Cabal, died earlier this year. He wrote a lovely piece about it on his blog.

  • Salieri2

    Voight-Kampff test, go.

    http://journal.neilgaiman.com/...

  • cruzzercruz

    Michael Shannon lunacy > Alison Hislaip's unsettlingly accurate presentation. It was so close to what I imagine that girl sounding like, I now hate her, too.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Yeah, I feel like Shannon elevated it to art, whereas Hislaip was more realistic with her portrayal. I didn't need realism. If anything, the letter was written so well that I could hear it as I read it.

  • Skyler Durden

    The Michael Shannon interpretation is the most amazing thing on the internet, but I have to confess, it wasn't until Haislip's reading that I felt like I actually heard what was being said.

    Once you get through the tapestry of of Ianucciesque expletives, she makes a lot of salient points.

  • Andrew Norris

    I dunno. I appreciate the authenticity of Allison Haislip's version, but I kinda dig the Ned-Beatty-in-Network vibe that Michael Shannon brings to it.

  • Forbiddendonut

    Isn't c*nt punt? C*nt punch is so last year...

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Michael Sheen? I would be checking under your bed for Michael Shannon, Teeks.

  • Natalie Loren

    "Michael Bay, otherwise known as The Death Of Storytelling" just made my day.

  • Maya

    Having devoured Roald Dahl's novels all throughout my childhood, I was crushed to learn that the man himself was something of an asshole. (http://thisrecording.com/today...

    Still, he was definitely a creative genius. That Buzzfeed post is amazing - I love Mark Twain's workspace. I can totally picture him there.

  • PaddyDog

    Love those work places but perhaps including Nigella Lawson in a list of "40 of our most creative minds" is a bit of a stretch?

  • Whipping Fanny

    But wasn't it worth it to get a glimpse of that library?

  • bkshea

    Alison Haislip is good, but what I really want is an Rachel McAdams reading.

  • PaddyDog

    Perhaps the family of Jean Charles de Menezes could tell Fox a little story about what happens when people with guns react without all the information in the wake of an attack.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    Yes, but they weren't civilians that shot him, so I'm not sure why the comparison? They were trained police, acting on poor intelligence, who shot someone who failed to stop at their warning.

  • PaddyDog

    The comparison is that even trained police when faced with a panic-laced situation shot a completely innocent guy point blank in the head seven times because he "had mongolian eyes". If you read the full report from the inquiry, you'll see that yes they had poor intelligence but at a certain point they just started making it up as they went along because he didn't look British. If trained law enforcement acted this way what could we expect from untrained civilians?

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    That's a bingo right there.

  • Jezzer

    Bodysuit, schmodysuit. I'm wearing the Boba Fett bodypaint to the Pajiba Halloween party.

  • lowercase_ryan

    we need a pajiba halloween party.

  • NateMan

    If nothing else they'll know you're not smuggling weapons in.

  • BWeaves

    Lysistrata: "Is that a spear under your toga, or are you just happy to see us?"

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    That's not a rocket.

  • Whipping Fanny

    I have a bad feeling about this.

  • Salieri2

    "These are not the pants you're looking for."

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