Alison Haislip Will C*nt Punt Her Way Into Your Heart
It's Tuesday, I'm hungry, shut your goddamn pieholes and let's get to some linky links. Also, you're ugly.
Michael Bay, otherwise known as The Death Of Storytelling, has an apology of sorts for the catastrophe (natch) that was Armageddon. Of course, his "apology" is more a backhanded jab at the studio, because he's Michael fucking Bay and he does no wrong despite being an uncreative hack. Hey, I'll freely admit to owning Armageddon. It's at the top of my drunk-as-hell-laugh-my-ass-off movie list. (Vulture)
You know who isn't an uncreative hack? Roald Dahl, and with a cluttered yet gorgeously inspirational workspace like this, you can see why. Here are photographs of the workspaces of 40 of our greatest creative minds. It's strangely fascinating. (Buzzfeed)
Speaking of... um... creative, Costume Craze is selling a series of Star Wars-themed bodysuits. What's the big deal, you ask? It's just another kind of costume, you say?
Wrong. That's not a costume, that's a Lucasian gimp suit nightmare. If you ever see one of these at a Con, you find a bat and you beat this person to death before you end up covered in their own special kind of carbonite. (Unreality)
In the aftermath of last week's chaos in Boston and Watertown (two cities that I'm quite close to), FOX News wants to know why people weren't encouraged to get their guns. Because what would have really helped the already confusing and volatile situation? Untrained, panicky, and terrified armed civilians. (Really, Fox News?)
Here's a post that FOX News would absolutely despise: An interesting discussion on what words we find insulting and offensive, and what words we're trying to eliminate from our vocabulary. I've had innumerable debates on this issue, and my position slides around a little, which is why I love the discussion in the first place. (Persephone Magazine)
On the subject of offensive and insulting, Bret Easton Ellis has been banned from the GLAAD awards, because of a series of obnoxious, inflammatory (and very Ellis-like) tweets he made a while back. I say good for them. Ellis likes to throw gas on the fires a bit too much for my liking, and it's done in the spirit of self-aggrandizement and attention-whoring, not because he wants to actually make a contribution to any discourse. So ban away. (Celebitchy)
And now, an essay on the truth about college a cappella and the trouble it faces. I love you awesome nerds. (Monkey See/NPR)
You guys want to know where one of the most bizarre and crazilicious places in the US is? Maine. I love Maine. It's beautiful, stunning, there is spectacular camping and hiking and other nature-y things, some amazing little towns, great food and beer. Oh, and also crazy-ass hermits who haven't had contact with another human in almost 30 years, but will still steal all your shit. (Boston Globe)
Those of us video game nerds will always have our beloved, nerdtastic catchphrases. "All your base are belong to us." "The cake is a lie." "Would you kindly?" "But our princess is in another castle!" "Sperm does not exist." Wait, what was that last one? Oh boy, must mean a new Grand Theft Auto is coming. (Gamma Squad)
So, uh, here's Halle Berry in her Storm outfit on the set of X-Men: Days of Future Past. No further comment. (Facebook/Superherostuff.com)
OK, we need some awesome superhero stuff to cleanse our palates after that mess. Here we go: Absolutely kickass posters are going to be given out at select midnight screenings of Iron Man 3. These things are stunning. (Film School Rejects)
It's true: Sexy time is awkward as hell with animals in the room. No, I didn't mean it that way, you degenerate. (Questionable Content)
Yes, yes, the video of Michael Shannon reading that whackadoodle sorority sister's pyschotic screed was amusing. But I prefer the lovely Alison Haislip, who gives it an air of authenticity. Mmmm... taste the crazy.
Not your thing? OK then. Courtesy of Josh Kurp over at Uproxx, how about teen comedian, Britain's Got Talent contestant, and cerebral palsy sufferer Jack Carroll, who absolutely destroys when he gets his opportunity. It's actually goddamn genius. (Though the insipid commentary at the end will make you cringe)
Batman. Sherlock Holmes. RAP BATTLE.
Pajiba Love Express
Here's some Daveed Diggs for you. On Daveed Diggs' digs, actually. That man does things with clothes that should not make sense, but are absolutely perfect. (Go Fug Yourself)
Woody Allen has "so moved on" from his daughter's accusations and says he never even thinks about it. He equates her words about him to a bad review he won't read and comments on how wacky it is that Mia Farrow is his mother-in-law. He is the worst. (Celebitchy)
Not The Worst but still very gross: Leonardo DiCaprio and his
Here are 5 under-the-radar shows. I had never even heard of the first two. (Uproxx)