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NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE

By | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (25)

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Here are the 19 most unintentionally terrifying children’s album covers. Is it just me or do adults not know the difference between “cute” and “scaring the shit out of kids”? Seriously, anybody in Canada remember those two horrid blue puppet monsters that told you not to put things in your mouth? GAH. (Cracked)

Just a reminder to everyone, but this is the final day to vote for AngryBlackLadyChronicles for the Black Weblog Awards for Best Humor, Best Writing and Blog To Watch. Okay thanks bye! (Black Weblog Awards)

Anybody out there ever wanted a sequel to War Games starring a Much Music VJ instead of Matthew Broderick? Well, here it is anyway, along with 21 other sequels you never wanted and will never watch. (A.V. Club)

Kate Gosselin is hoping to parlay her invite to the Emmys into an acting career on Mad Men. I don’t know; maybe if she got run over by a lawn mower during a drunken office party, this might fly, but for now? Hell to the fucking to the no. (popbytes)

What would television’s new fall lineup be without office sitcoms? Well, we wouldn’t have to suffer through Outsourced, for starters… (Screen Junkies)

Just so all you know, Amanda Fucking Palmer will be taking up hosting duties for America Repertory Theater’s showing of Cabaret. So if you’re in Cambridge, MA, I hate you right now. (Agent Bedhead)

I know The Emmys were two nights ago, but this live blogging from our own Courtney Enlow is pretty hilarious, so go and read it right goddamn now. Also: is it too late to change my porn name to Bucky Gunts? (Hobo Trashcan)

Alright, so by now we all know Paris got arrested for Cocaine possession because of course the stupid bitch did. But did you know she could go to jail for up to four years for it? The system works! (Celebslam)

Good: Dolph Lundgren has a new movie coming out (What? I like Dolph Lundgren.) Bad: It’s direct to DVD. But that’s okay because: Dolph Lundgren is still very, very man pretty. (The Flickcast)

Oh look, the cast for the next season of Dancing With The Washed-Up Has-Beens No One Cares About has been announced. Congratulations to all those who hit the Snooze button on their fifteen minutes of fame. (Celebitchy)

What do you do when Taylor Lautner sues you for failing to deliver his custom RV on time? Challenge him to a push-up contest to decide the winner! …What the fuck? Was this story written in Mad-Libs? (Dlisted)

Yesterday’s Primetime Emmy Quiz was more difficult than anticipated, so they’ve eased up a little today with a quiz on Sesame Street and Prisco’s own Great Muppet Quiz. (LitelySalted)

For absolutely no reason whatsoever, EEEEEEEEE! A kitten that looks like Kratos from God of War! (Unreality)

I know almost once a week I come on here with a link and say it’s the worst thing ever, but THIS is the worst thing ever. Some girl in Bosnia uploaded a video of herself gleefully throwing a bucket of screaming puppies into a river and it’s literally the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. The good news: 4Chan is on the case to find and ruin her. Yay for 4Chan! Puppy Killer must die! (Gawker)

Anyway, to cheer you up after that little piece of soul-crushing, here’s a dog dancing the merengue. Awwwww, look how happy she is! At least I think she’s a she. Thanks to Nimue!

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin’, and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his NSFW blog here, or email him here.









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Comments

Alright, so by now we all know Paris got arrested for Cocaine possession...did you know she could go to jail for up to four years for it? The system works!

If Paris goes to jail for 4 years, you are cordially invited to my ass.

There it is, in writing. I'd bet that a quarter would land on it's side sooner than that wonk-eyed, clown-footed tart gets four years.

Posted by: D-Day at August 31, 2010 12:13 PM

I saw that dog throwing thing on Gawker and refused to click on it. The comments on the video were descriptive enough. I'm already feeling a bit fragile today and I'm afraid that would just send me over the edge.

It's only gonna happen once, so here it is: go for it, 4chan. Find her.

Posted by: Snuggiepants at August 31, 2010 12:24 PM

80% on the Muppets quiz!?

I am deeply, deeply ashamed of myself.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at August 31, 2010 12:28 PM

I don't know if "terrifying" is the word I'd apply to those Alice in Wonderland album covers...

Posted by: Todd at August 31, 2010 12:31 PM

I never thought I'd see the day when I openly support 4chan.

Do it up, Legion. Make that bitch pay.

Posted by: Roll Equals Cute at August 31, 2010 12:37 PM

Thanks Feist! I raise this glass of breakfast wine to you!

Vote early and often!

Thank y'all!

Posted by: stopthemadness aka Angry Black Lady at August 31, 2010 1:05 PM

I don't know why The Seven-Ups is on that sequel list, as it is not actually a sequel to anything, and also as it is FUCKING AWESOME. Seriously, that has the best car chase I have ever, ever seen.

Posted by: Todd at August 31, 2010 1:15 PM

Dogs are SO eager to please us, god love'em.

Posted by: MM at August 31, 2010 1:45 PM

That merengue dog outdanced Kate Goselin and can probably outdance Bristol Palin. AND, the dog had a smile on it's face the entire time (and the tail was kinda going, too.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 31, 2010 1:47 PM

Sic 'er, 4chan.

Posted by: ginabeana at August 31, 2010 2:06 PM

I seriously considered traveling to Cambridge to see Amanda Fucking Palmer in Cabaret. One, I love Cabaret in any form (except awful HS productions). Two, she is tailor-made for that rule if the director is going for gender-fuck casting. And by that, I mean a female MC. She's menacing and sexy and has strong singing chops. It's perfect casting. But alas, that's way too far and expensive just for a show. I'll wait for the bootlegs instead.

Meanwhile, I still have nightmares about her slow as molasses performance of "Pirate Jenny" at the Evelyn Evelyn tour stop in NYC. Dear Godtopus, that song is frightening when you're forced to absorb every word and intention of it.

Posted by: Robert at August 31, 2010 2:08 PM

Just so all you know, Amanda Fucking Palmer will be taking up hosting duties for America Repertory Theater’s showing of Cabaret. So if you’re in Cambridge, MA, I hate you right now.

Tickets: Purchased.

Suck it.

Posted by: TK at August 31, 2010 2:29 PM

I'm seeing Amanda Fucking Palmer in Cabaret and Amanda Fucking Palmer's Late-Night Fucking Cabaret in October! Whee! This trip shall be the most fun I'll ever have going broke.
I shall bask in your envy.

Robert, I'm a tad jealous of your nightmares 'cause I missed Evelyn Evelyn when they came to DC. My bf went and said it was AWESOME, but I had to sit and study for my chem final the next morning. =(

Posted by: gee. ay. at August 31, 2010 2:33 PM

I didn't click on the Bosnian bitch link, but that merengue dog made my whole month!

Posted by: Gem at August 31, 2010 3:17 PM

If Paris spends more than one month in prison I'll change my name to Jeremy Feist (seeing as how he's changing his name to Bucky Gunts).

Posted by: John W at August 31, 2010 3:38 PM

Tickets: Purchased.

Suck it.

Quiet on the set!

Lights. Camera. ACTION!

Posted by: Jeremy's Director at August 31, 2010 4:35 PM

That dancing dog was brilliant and wonderful!!!

Posted by: brite at August 31, 2010 4:54 PM

I've never actually hated myself enough to watch Dancing with the Stars before, but the new line-up looks so awful that I'm tempted to actually give it a shot. This kind of thing happens to me every fall. I catch wind of the newest batch of post-fame trainwreckage, and mentally I begin to make up much more engaging, addictive, and ludicrous bad ideas utilizing the same talentless pool.

I started out wondering what a sitcom starring Florence Henderson, The Hoff, and Bristol Palin would be like, but that's already evolved into a vision of the entire cast of misfits in a Survivor-type situation in some unlikely locale like rural Missouri. All their immunity challenges involve a Wipeout-style obstacle course with surprise fire-based elements at the end (Florence gets to be exempt from this part while the Situation must run the gauntlet twice).

By the time the actual show airs, I will have completely substituted whatever way-more-awesome concept I'm fixated on at the time for reality in my mind. Five minutes in I'll realize what I'm watching is still DWTS, that these people are still taking themselves seriously enough to make the whole thing unredemptively depressing, and that I really just want something random from VH1's line-up five years ago. Then I will shrug, watch ten minutes of whatever telenovela happens to be airing on the next channel up, get bored, and go rewatch the latest episode of Dexter.

Posted by: thenchonto at August 31, 2010 6:06 PM

If Paris gets four years, will the Feist/D-Day vidya be here or on Feist's blog?

Posted by: Craig at August 31, 2010 6:23 PM

Jeremy: The album cover link was easily the greatest thing you've ever linked to. And by greatest I mean most awesome.

Posted by: Vince Noir at August 31, 2010 6:36 PM

I nearly cried watching that puppy video, and I'm pretty much a cold-hearted bitch when it comes to dogs. Little psychopath in training.

And dude, what the hell is Margaret Cho doing on DWTS?

Posted by: Cadet at August 31, 2010 7:07 PM

SUPER ugh.

Posted by: gp at August 31, 2010 8:43 PM

Suddenly I look at Pajiba and Carequinha is in the front page! Is it finally a Brazilian version of Pajiba? No, it's just a bizarre album covers list... Carequinha is from before my time, but Fofão was kind of scary. Carequinha died a few years ago.

Posted by: zito at August 31, 2010 9:08 PM

Don't you put it in your mouth
Til you ask someone you love
If it's okay to eat,
Like a muffin or a beet

Posted by: Punkin at September 1, 2010 12:34 AM

I refuse to click on the puppy throwing link, the mere thought of it throws me into a Hulk like rage. Look - people do stupid, violent shit to each other all the time. It sucks, but it happens. But you fuck with innocent little puppies? You should be publicly tarred and feathered... and other horrible things. Despicable.

The dancing dog, however, just made my damn week.

Posted by: Even Stevens at September 1, 2010 1:03 AM