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Lady Gaga Has Been Knighted With a Pork Sword

By | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (31)

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So Vogue Hommes Japan sent out promotional pics featuring a male model who looks exactly like Lady Gaga, and now everyone is saying it’s her. I don’t know about you, but I was more convinced she was wearing a penis when she wore the Kermit the Frog dress. (ONTD)

Awwwww snap, it’s the Futurama Hat-trick! Here’s a kickass poster of the entire cast dressed as the X-Men. Thanks to TracerBullet! (DeviantArt)

I have no idea who Coco is, but her body is fucking terrifying. Seriously, I think her vagina is actively eating her swimsuit in some of these pictures. On the plus side, I have an idea as to how we can stop the oil spill. (Dlisted)

Oh how sweet, Carrie Prejean is getting married after people like her essentially took that right away from thousands of gay men and women in her state. Whatever, I hope it rains on her wedding day. And then she gets hit by a sewage truck. (popbytes)

By now you may have heard about how Lara Logan, a CNN reporter, essentially tried to throw Rolling Stone under the bus over the General McChrystal article. Well as it turns out she was impregnated by a married man on whom she was reporting. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

I’ve only ever seen half of The Princess Bride (I’ll watch the second half soon, I swear), but here’s a quiz to see how much you know about the movie. Fittingly enough, I scored 50%. (Mental Floss)

Here are the 7 most WTF origins of iconic pop culture franchises. While it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Mario is one huge mushroom-induced dream, Pinocchio’s donkey porn backstory will make you weep for humanity. (Cracked)

By now you should probably know that I love Nicolas Cage, mostly because he’s like Bruce Campbell without a shred of self-awareness. Anyway, here are his ten best roles in mo-AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! THE BEEEEEEEEEES! (Den Of Geek)

As if you needed another reason to hate Rod Blagojevich and his stupid hair helmet, he said that Barack Obama was a “hen-pecked husband” because he “listens to his wife”. Ha! It’s funny because it’s horribly misogynist. (Zelda Lily)

If you happen to be a really rich Tron fan, you’re in luck because they are literally selling the Lightcycles from the movie on eBay. All I can say is HOLY SHIT WANT WANT WANT. (Screen Junkies)

So as it turns out, David Caruso is a gigantic dick. To be fair, you would be too if you worked on a show that was…(*Puts on Glasses*)…Murder to watch. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! (Celebslam)

Also, it appears I’m not the only one who thinks vuvuzelas sound like violent diarrhea. Dogs do too! Thanks to admin.


Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin’, and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his sorta-NSFW blog here, or email him here.









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Comments

@Banner pic:

That looks Bob Dylan fucked Ellen DeGeneres.

Posted by: D-Day at June 30, 2010 12:28 PM

To the scare-pet-with-noise vuvu hicks: you reap what you sow.

Posted by: Ranylt at June 30, 2010 12:33 PM

Wow! that Gaga is so cutting edge and original. She has changed music and fashion forever. The world would be worse off if we had to live life without wondering how she tucks her junk so well.

Posted by: schrome at June 30, 2010 12:37 PM

I hope it rains on her wedding day.

Isn't that be ironic?

All I can say is HOLY SHIT WANT WANT WANT.

My sentiments exactly.

Posted by: Fredo at June 30, 2010 12:39 PM

The X-Men Futurama thing is the balls. I laughed out loud when I saw that the little nibbler things were Multiple Man.

Question: Who is Lela's mother supposed to be? Kwannon? Cuz that's lame.

Posted by: superasente at June 30, 2010 12:42 PM

8 out of 10 in the Princess Bride Quiz. Dammit!

Posted by: Fredo at June 30, 2010 12:43 PM

Oh man that video KILLED ME. I was just vaguely amused at the cute dog and then POOP ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Heeeeeeeee! the screaming! the screaming!

Posted by: figgy at June 30, 2010 12:45 PM

They've invented the poopoozela*.

*This is also what I call it now when I fart loudly in public. People who claim to find it distasteful do so at the risk of appearing not to "get it".

Posted by: laredo at June 30, 2010 1:01 PM

Also, why am I not surprised that the vuvuzela produces the brown note.

Posted by: laredo at June 30, 2010 1:04 PM

80% on the Princess Bride Quiz!
And in hindsight, I am a little pissed I missed that last question.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 30, 2010 1:12 PM

100% on the Princess Bride quiz. w00t.
I don't understand all the hate for Lady Gaga. She's not some talentless, autotuned, pop-tart. I don't care for her music, but she really is quite the singer and pianist. As for all the asshats saying she has a penis, I think they're all closeted lady-boy lovers.

Posted by: The Kilted Yaksman at June 30, 2010 1:46 PM

The following conversation was overheard during the complimentary breakfast at the Best Western in Miami, Florida on June 29, 2010.

Ice T: Baby, why you wearing that to the beach again?

Coco: I don't understand. Would you rather I not wear sunglasses at all?

Ice T: What? No baby, I don't give a shit about those. It's...baby, it's the fuckin' camel toe!

Coco: I don't appreciate that phrase. You don't have to go to the beach with me.

Ice T: Shit baby, don't be like that. You know what I'm talking about.

Coco: Oh, I do. You're just not....man enough to say it. You're ashamed of my body!

Ice T: What?! Fuck baby, not at all. Baby, you're body is...it's the shit.

Coco(waving a finger): No. Not today. Save your passive aggressive bullshit for Richard Belzer. I'm not dealing with it during our vacation.

Ice T: Baby, I'm not ashamed of your body! For fuck's sake, I paid for it! Jesus, would I still be a sex addict if I didn't love your body? You're beautiful. I love every nip, tuck, crease, stitch and pluck that you've got.

Coco(melting): Awww, my little ice piece, I love it when you melt with such beautiful words.

Ice T: It's just...I like having your body as our own, little thing. Know what I'm sayin'? I like it when it's just mine. That body's meant for my eyes only baby. I mean...how would you feel if I actually wore the speedo you gave me? Remember when I tried it on? I couldn't even tuck and hide that shit.

Coco(fully aware): You're right. After today, I'll never wear this bathing suit again. Deal? I'd change it now, but...we're already at breakfast and I don't wanna spend all that time changing outfits. And I'm sorry, I know what you're saying. I just...I love this bathing suit. I've had it since...well, since before we started all the enhancements. I guess I just hoped it'd still fit me the same way.

Posted by: Barnes78 at June 30, 2010 1:56 PM

I’ve only ever seen half of The Princess Bride

What the fuck? How do you write TWO pop culture columns and...

You sicken me, Mr. Feist.

Good day to you.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at June 30, 2010 2:08 PM

What the fuck?

Cause it's overrated?

Posted by: Jay at June 30, 2010 2:27 PM

Nice one Barnes78

I think that Coco is a hot bitch, but yeah, a little more fabric over the goods would have been a good call.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at June 30, 2010 2:29 PM

Kudos, Barnes, but if you think for a second that Coco can aptly wield lexicon that includes 8 7 6 5 letter-words, you give her too much credit.

Posted by: D-Day at June 30, 2010 2:36 PM

man, ice-t got bitch tits.

Posted by: gp at June 30, 2010 2:42 PM

I can't believe you didn't mention that Gynneth Paltrow announced today she's got osteopenia.

Yup. That's what you get for following quack advice that dairy foods are bad for you: brittle thin bones at the age of 38. Take note wannabes: EAT YOUR CHEESE.

Posted by: PaddyDog at June 30, 2010 2:46 PM

100% Bitches.
That's how you OBSESS

Posted by: Nadine at June 30, 2010 3:16 PM

As for The Gaga.....Y'all know I feel like that creature is hiding SOMETHING, (having seen more of her labia than my own, like, srsly Gaga, pants, I am less inclined towards the dude thing...mostly) if at the very least, her age(No chance in hell that bitch is 23. I AM 23. She's 30 if a day)
BUT PERSONALLY...while I have never seen Gaga without make up or her cheap ass bleached blonde hair, I am, personally, less than inclined to believe that that model is hair...it's hard to explain but its the eyes....as long as his lashes are, he has male eyes.

Posted by: Nadine at June 30, 2010 3:26 PM

Lady Gaga's adam's apple is as big as her balls.

Posted by: Kballs at June 30, 2010 3:33 PM

model is *her

Posted by: Nadine at June 30, 2010 3:44 PM

I am so glad there is someone else out there who appreciates Nic Cage the way I do. Thank you, Feist!

Posted by: Siege at June 30, 2010 3:56 PM

Siege, Feist, you all NEED to have a conversation with my boyfriend Alex.
Alex is basically planning to meet and befriend Nic Cage sometime in the near NOW

Posted by: Nadine at June 30, 2010 4:00 PM

Lara Logan is actually from CBS and not just any reporter. She's Chief Foreign Correspondent for CBS News.

Posted by: mook at June 30, 2010 4:32 PM

Princess Bride quiz = 100%
I would have hung my head in shame at anything less.

Posted by: Laura at June 30, 2010 5:17 PM

Could we possibly call her "Miss Foreign Affairs"?

Posted by: Recondite at June 30, 2010 5:38 PM

Posted by: Jay at June 30, 2010 2:27 PM

Oh, thank godtopus I'm not the only one who thinks this. It's a cute movie...and that's about it.

Posted by: meaux at June 30, 2010 5:44 PM

Also, a little warning on that vuvuzela video might have been in order--my kitties were very appalled at the sound my laptop was making! Thankfully, they did not lose continence.

Posted by: meaux at June 30, 2010 5:47 PM

GANG BANG GUY! Every time I've watched Hangover, I've wondered, "Why do I recognize the guy getting blown in the elevator?" Now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

Posted by: superEdna at June 30, 2010 6:29 PM

Gah! 90% on the Princess Bride quiz. I missed the last question, too. I could have sworn he says it more than 10 times.

Coco would look sexier with more material. But yeah, throw her in the Gulf and let her suck up the oil spill. I think that's about right.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 1, 2010 10:52 AM