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That's Not Much Of A Happy Ending Now Is It? *Rimshot!*

By | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (41)

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As if the TSA pat-downs weren’t bad enough, someone was actually arrested after cumming during a mandated frisking. Seriously. Every part of that sentence was so wrong it physically hurts me. And now to wait for the inevitable porn parody. (DeadSeriousNews)

Here are five movies too sexy for distribution. Ummmm… No offense, but I would not fuck a single one of these movies. Like, if these movies were people and you saw them at a bar, you would need at least a five drink minimum before body parts were exchanged. (Nerve)

Did any of you see that bit on Conan where they imagine Oprah giving away a swarm of bees on her Favorite Things episode? Well, it’s now in GIF form. I want to marry this GIF and have little GIF children. (Film Drunk)

I know a lot of you aren’t really into country music, but that’s just because you’ve never heard of Miranda Lambert. And just to prove how awesome she is, she threw a drink in the lead singer of Nickelback’s face when he called her a bitch. Marry me. (Celebitchy)

Oh look, people are fighting over who originally created Jersey Shore. Yet oddly enough, they’re fighting because they actually want to be responsible for it, which is like fighting over who killed the stripper, wrapped her body in a shower curtain and dumped it off the bridge. (popbytes)

Do you like football and terrible music? Well then have I got news for you! The Black Eyed Peas will be playing the Supertime Halftime Show this year, or as I like to call it, “That stupid football game that makes everyone forget it’s my birthday every year”. EVERY. YEAR. (Warming Glow)

So Fox News decided to publish an excerpt from an article about Obama writing an angry email. The only problem: It was from The Onion, and it was actually a joke. Oh Fox, you really do make it too easy. (AngryBlackLadyChronicles)

Rumors are going around saying that Michael Bay is having trouble with the 3D on Transformers 3: Rise of the Mooninites, so he responded the way only Michael Bay can: Self-righteous douchebaggery, and four question marks. Because apparently one question mark simply wouldn’t have expressed his incredulousness. (Gamma Squad)

So apparently, Hulk Hogan got married pre-divorced to that girl who looks exactly like his daughter over the weekend. I’m sorry, but NO. To all of that. I don’t care what your type is; if you’re fucking someone who looks exactly like your child, you’re doing something wrong. (Celebslam)

Oh joy upon joys, the first image of Bella and Edward post-coitus in the next Twilight movie have leaked onto the blagonets, and the Twihards are acting exactly how you’d think they would act: Like sexless virgins. (Agent Bedhead)

Alright, so Kim Kardashian and a bunch of other famewhores have decided to stay off of Facebook and Twitter until their fans pony up $1 Million for the Keep A Child Alive Charity. Sure the idea is pretty stupid, but it’s for little kids with HIV/AIDS, and the ad campaign features Kim Kardashian in a coffin, so I say yes to all of this. (Dlisted)

Two plugs for underrated musicians in one day? Yes, because I can. So here’s Nicole Atkins with The Way it is.

Jeremy Feist is Pajiba’s resident Link Slave and occasional music-pusher. Email him links! Check out his NSFW blog! Follow him on Twitter! He needs your attention like he needs oxygen and water.









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Comments

TSA agent gropes man's peircings during pat-down; man ejaculates. Man get's arrested.

Canada has free health care right?

Posted by: superasente at November 29, 2010 12:08 PM

you would need at least a five drink minimum before body parts were exchanged.

Holy shit, Feist! You trade body parts during sex??? What are you, some kind of deranged Porn Mannequin?!?!

Posted by: Kballs at November 29, 2010 12:10 PM

My husband bought a beer for Miranda Lambert before she was famous. That is his favorite "celebrity experience", and he has a signed Olajuwon jersey.

Posted by: Patty O'Green at November 29, 2010 12:13 PM

I cannot believe the TSA story because the man is named Percy Cummings. That's like Seymour Butts getting arrested for mooning someone.

Posted by: Kayanne at November 29, 2010 12:14 PM

As if the TSA pat-downs weren’t bad enough, someone was actually arrested after cumming during a mandated frisking.

JEREMY! You didn't even say the BEST PART!!

HIS NAME IS "PERCY CUMMINGS"!!!!!!!

Also, how did they NOT think this was going to happen at some point? I mean, with the number of little kids they're going to be groping, they're probably going to get peed, pooped, and/or thrown up on at some point, are they going to arrest little kids for that? After, of course, throwing them to the ground and handcuffing them? Probably while doing that knee on the neck thing? And then there's the pregnant ladies....

Oh, TSA. You so stupid.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at November 29, 2010 12:14 PM

Y'know, just yesterday I asked my husband if he wanted to play "TSA Agent" with me. I hope this can become the go-to sexual innuendo of 2010.

Posted by: wugirl at November 29, 2010 12:17 PM

I hope Mr. Cummings got that TSA agent right in the eye.

Posted by: admin at November 29, 2010 12:26 PM

Here is where it gets weird and I defend Hulk Hogan again: What she looks like is a younger version of his ex-wife, not his daughter. Let's not get all Soon Yi up in this bitch.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at November 29, 2010 12:28 PM

Is the TSA agent in the header pic fisting that gentleman's penis? Eeeeaaaase back, turbo. Nobody's blowin' up a plane with their pecker.

And whatchya lookin' for, Poindexter? Q-tips? Batons? Straws? 0.5mm lead? Rare spices from the West Indies? Shampoo? Your dignity? Why don't you take a break while we repair this man's genitals.

Posted by: Kballs at November 29, 2010 12:28 PM

I'd like to be the first to point out the irony of Feist posting the TSA story in the same Pajiba Love in which he also called out Fox News for posting an Onion article.

(It's fake? Crap! To be fair, I've never heard of Dead Serious News, whereas The Onion is a fraking institution. - JF)

Posted by: Lennon at November 29, 2010 12:33 PM

Percy 'Cummings.'

Bloody Nora.

Posted by: Aislinn at November 29, 2010 12:37 PM

TSA T&A!

Posted by: Odnon. at November 29, 2010 12:41 PM

Lennon, yes, thank you. Check the source, darjeelings. Also, MY favorite part about that article, fake or no, are the f*cking homophobic elements. He's gay! He's from San Francisco! He's an interior designer! Of course he splooged his pants! Those gays! Freaking pervs!!

Posted by: coveredinbees at November 29, 2010 12:41 PM

The link is wrong for the Hogan story.

Posted by: Matt at November 29, 2010 12:44 PM

Miranda Lambert is one of the most successful musicians to come off of a reality show (Nashville Star). Her music is solid, too. She's been going strong in country for a few years already and has a lot of credibility in the industry. Now she's thrown a drink at Nickelback? Good for her.

Posted by: Robert at November 29, 2010 12:45 PM

How I wish that TSA story were true. But, of course, life imitates art so I'm sure it's just a matter of time before we see a real story like that.

Posted by: stardust at November 29, 2010 12:46 PM

The fact that the TSA agent apparently jingled his jangle long enough to take a money shot but never noticed the guys jacobs ladder went vertical... that was the give away right there.

Posted by: Lennon at November 29, 2010 12:48 PM

If only we could all have the pleasure of throwing a drink in Chad Kroeger's unfortunate face. Fucking embarrassment to Canada.

Posted by: Jadine at November 29, 2010 12:51 PM

re: Miranda Lambert

Everyone in the Industry in Nashville is a goddamned drama queen. The whole ordeal was probably scripted so these nobody's would get a little press. They do things like that in Nashville.

Posted by: litmus0001 at November 29, 2010 1:02 PM

wait a goddamned minute. angel heart is a CLASSIC.

gah.

Posted by: gp at November 29, 2010 1:21 PM

I have to admit.....I freakin' LOOOOOOVE Miranda Lambert. She has said repeatedly that she's not a size 2 and never will be and doesn't give a damn, a lot of her music is way fun (Only Prettier? awesome) and she takes no shit from crappy rock pretenders. What's not to love?

Posted by: dammitjanet at November 29, 2010 1:23 PM

Also should point out - it wasn't Fox News that posted the fake Obama email - it was Fox Nation....not quite the same.

Not that Pajiba has an army of fact checkers.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at November 29, 2010 1:51 PM

I think it's time for a Pajiba to step up and actually fire one off in the middle of an exam. Or else men should start going through security with raging hard-ons. In a silent protest kind of way.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at November 29, 2010 1:52 PM

In a silent protest kind of way.

Silent? I vote for a quite loud and raucous protest.

Posted by: coveredinbees at November 29, 2010 2:49 PM

FYI, the Hulk Hogan link goes to the Miranda whatshername article. Also, that TSA article has to be a joke - the name of the guy who came is Percy Cummings? and his gay partner is Sergio Armani? Can't be real.

Posted by: sosumi at November 29, 2010 2:57 PM

I love me some Miranda Lambert.
Rawr, RAWR.

Posted by: Rykker at November 29, 2010 3:07 PM

I disagree, the comments sections is a pretty effective army of fact checkers. That being said, I am choosing to believe that the TSA story is TRUE. It makes me happy.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 29, 2010 3:23 PM

Sheesh, you'd think that seeing something called "Dead Serious News," "powered by Bovine Excrement" might be a clue that it's bullshit.

Posted by: lorent at November 29, 2010 3:23 PM

Between this, the Palin-mentioning articles, and the Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark post, I believe Pajiba has now become big enough to be a one and gone troll emporium of aggravated "ha ha look how stupid you guys are" posters. It brings a tear to my eye to see the site grow up so fast.

Congratulations on the monumental achievement, Dustin. Maybe one day, the Wall Street Journal will look to our comments section to write articles about film the same way they turn to the BroadwayWorld message boards to write about theater. Fingers crossed.

Posted by: Robert at November 29, 2010 4:29 PM

Yeah, that TSA article is a fake.

Posted by: Slash at November 29, 2010 5:53 PM

sexless virgins

Redundant.

Posted by: coryo at November 29, 2010 5:59 PM

Oh, sure, they're going to stay off of Twitter until $1,000,000 is raised for Alicia Keys's charity.

Y'know what would be quicker? Promising that Kim Kardashian will stay off of Twitter forever once $1,000,000 is raised. Guaranteed to make twice that in two hours.

Posted by: Jerry at November 29, 2010 6:03 PM

Nerve forgot 9 Songs which had explicit sex scenes awith the 2 main characters. It got chopped extensively for a U.S. release and according to IMDB was only shown on one screen. Here are stills showing them having explicit sex from the original uncut movie. Short Bus was another mainstream movie that had explicit sex scenes.

If you've ever been on a ranch that TSA guy has pretty much the same look on his face that the guys doing the castrating of the lambs and calves have. Slice open the scrotum, rip out the nuts, slap on the iodine, repeat.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at November 29, 2010 7:27 PM

Oh, BTW, as difficult as it is to comprehend, even for myself, I have spent most of my life wanting to break off a piece of Donald Sutherland because of that scene in Don't Look Now. Donald Sutherland is one hot piece of daddy ass.

Angel Heart was the last film in which Mickey Rourke was even remotely sexy. The scene in question was a bit disturbing, and Lisa Bonet was a big part of its ookiness, and Rourke being such a method actor, it seems plausible that he would have insisted on actually fucking her in the scene. The fact that Rourke would even have such a thing in mind is intriguing to me, but I always appreciate a determined exhibitionist.

Posted by: Jerry at November 29, 2010 7:38 PM

it's my birthday too, Feist. And I've been having it for a fuck of a lot longer than you have, thank-you-very-much. Personally, I appreciate the fact that they organised American Thanksgiving and American Football Supremacy Match XXXXVHENE!WWWIIIII around my birthday. It's near enough to add a bit of glory, far enough to prevent it from invading the majesty that is KOJ's BIRTHDAY.

In other news, the story about the guy getting arrested for having ejaculated is allll kinds of awful. I am crossing all fingers and toes that this kind of ridiculousness doesn't make its way to Canada.

Posted by: koj at November 30, 2010 3:30 AM

Ugh. Well, I'm tired of THAT.

You know what. Yes you do... no the other one... no... not that... yeah, that one.

So tired of it.

Posted by: The Gay at November 30, 2010 9:18 PM

abundant account you've bear

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