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Do You Have A Vagina? Congratulations! Lifetime Just Set You Back 20 Years.

By | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (41)

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Big ol’ hat tip to Scorzi on this one. Here’s a blog dedicated entirely to reviewing and making fun of Lifetime movies, so TK doesn’t have to. Ha ha! Just kidding. Dustin is going to keep making him review that shit because TK’s rage is the fuel that keeps this ship running. (Lifetime, Wow!)

So Sarah Silverman is going full frontal in a new dramatic-comedy (I refuse to say that stupid mash-up word) called Take This Waltz. At first I was like “eh” but then I realized that the movie was directed by Sarah Polley, thus restoring my faith. (Film Drunk)

Here’s Courtney Enlow’s anti-tribute to the worst character in cinematic history (and the reason why every female protagonist in generic studio romantic-comedies are horrid bitches), Julia Roberts’ character from My Best Friend’s Wedding! (Hobo Trashcan)

Alright guys, today’s quiz involves naming the companies behind advertising slogans to show off just how much you love capitalism. Wooo! (Litely Salted)

So now that Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab, girl looks like she’s got her life back on track and- Oh, wait, never mind, she just flunked her last drug test and tested positive for cocaine. Alright, let’s take this from the top people… (popbytes)

Gird your loins people, this one is going to hurt: Jennifer Love Hewitt is set to star in a female version of The Big Bang Theory, directed by the guy responsible for Wild Hogs and written by the girl who shit out Nancy Drew. Derp-A Derpity Derp. (Warming Glow)

It’s official: Michael Stipe has been made the first official guest editor for Gwyneth Paltrow’s stupid pretentious GOOP. What the hell happened to you, Michael? You used to be cool, man. You used to be cool. (Agent Bedhead)

Hey Lady Gaga: Kate Walsh will see your meat dress and raise you one sushi dress. Yeah, Private Practice may suck, but I kinda think the sushi dress is just exponentially cooler than that raggedy-ass hunk of meat. (Celebitchy)

Tiger Woods threatened to take back one of his whores’ $10 Million hush money fund if she posed for Playboy. Wait, what? Why would you need to pose for Playboy if you have TEN MILLION DOLLARS? (Celebslam)

Because there’s nothing I love more than dorky proposals, some guy asked his fiancée to marry him using a specifically modified version of Super Mario World. Awwww, just once I wish a guy would ask me out using Portal or something. (Gamma Squad)

What happens when you take a time lapse of the universe revolving around the sun and pair it with one of the most unnerving songs from Inception you can find? THIS. THIS HAPPENS. (Gizmodo)

Here are the 10 worst action movie hero names. Alright, I will give you Frank Shatter, that name is fucking dumb. But you do NOT talk trash about Chev Chelios, you hear me? I would fuck Jason Statham on a bed of broken and I would fucking love it. And if he wanted me to call him “Chev” or “Chevy” the whole time? Fuck it, that’s just the sort of shit you do when you are getting fucked by STATHAAAAAAAAM! (Den Of Geek)

It’s official! The record for the world’s longest kiss has been broken by two dudes, making it the first time ever a gay couple has held the record. And cue the moral outrage from old gaycist assholes in 3, 2 and go… (Towleroad)

BLAME THE PINK HULK FOR THIS HE MADE ME DO IT. Anyway, words really can’t describe this, other than to say that this will probably wipe out any and all lingering respect Dustin has for the south. That is all.

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin’, and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his NSFW blog here, or email him here.









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Comments

Gotta love the portentous intro to the video and then the blank screen brought to me by my employer.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 20, 2010 12:13 PM

Momma?

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at September 20, 2010 12:20 PM

Bless her heart.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at September 20, 2010 12:25 PM

It's a shame that list was limited to just action heroes. It meant leaving out Cole Trickle!

Still, I'm surprised to see no Johnny Utah.

Posted by: Simon at September 20, 2010 12:26 PM

I love when you guys mention me!

You like me, you really like me! (toss of the Sally Fields feathered hair)

Posted by: scorzi at September 20, 2010 12:30 PM

alabama. . .the horror. . . the horror.

that video made the pics on peopleofwalmart seem like hollywood red carpet pics.

really, i need to poor acid in my eyes now

Posted by: idleprimate at September 20, 2010 12:32 PM

Jennifer Love Hewitt is set to star in a female version of The Big Bang Theory

That's unpossible, girls don't like science!

Posted by: mswas at September 20, 2010 12:32 PM

Wait, the pretentious Michael Stipe is now a guest editor for the pretentious GOOP? I fail to see the problem there.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 20, 2010 12:41 PM

the only thing i kept thinking is "that camera, some relatives, & richard petty (that poster in th' background) has seen her naked.
to quote rachel zoe,
"i die!"
that wuz freakin' excellent!
i look forward to this video being on tosh.0 soon!

Posted by: Sly D. at September 20, 2010 12:42 PM

Oh noooo, sweetie, with the drool and the hand gestures! Nooooo! I want to take her under my wing a la Cher in Clueless (or, FINE, Emma in Emma, if you must), but I have no access to prosthodontic equipment.

toxiccat1, I hope you appreciated her effort.

Posted by: coveredinbees at September 20, 2010 12:43 PM

Dustin is going to keep making him review that shit because TK’s rage is the fuel that keeps this ship running.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Balls.

Posted by: TK at September 20, 2010 12:47 PM

just once I wish a guy would ask me out using Portal or something

That'd be very sweet, true, but you should be very suspicious if he promises cake at the end.

Posted by: jeem at September 20, 2010 12:47 PM

Oh he'll use your "Portal" alright. WHAT? I HAD TO. NO ONE ELSE WAS.

Posted by: coveredinbees at September 20, 2010 12:48 PM

really, i need to poor acid in my eyes now.

That's the only kind they can afford in the Alabama.

Posted by: admin at September 20, 2010 12:49 PM

Holy Fucking God. She has 2 teeth. She has a mustache. She keeps leaning in for EXTREME CLOSEUP. I need to bleach my eyes now.

Posted by: Edith at September 20, 2010 12:52 PM

It’s official: Michael Stipe has been made the first official guest editor for Gwyneth Paltrow’s stupid pretentious GOOP. What the hell happened to you, Michael? You used to be cool, man. You used to be cool.
---
Many many years I ago I saw REM in Pittsburgh, and late in the show Stipe launched into a diatribe about Westinghouse and nukes and stuff, and the guy I went with leaned over and said to me, "Probably half the kids here paid for the tickets with money mom and dad earned at Westinghouse. So shut up and play."

Posted by: , at September 20, 2010 12:53 PM

Wait, is "She's Too Young" the one where everyone gets syphilis? And then it ends with some dude threatening to send a picture message on his phone to the cops?

I... um... someone told me about it, is all.

Posted by: Perfect Tommy at September 20, 2010 12:54 PM

@admin

And they buy the sham poo because the real poo is too expensive.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 20, 2010 12:54 PM

That video has convinced me that my dentist deserves a hug.

Posted by: Danielle Lilly at September 20, 2010 1:13 PM

@Mrs. Julien: Wow. What a sham.

Posted by: lubeg at September 20, 2010 1:15 PM

I'm pretty sure almost every other network/channel/whatever beat Lifetime to that about 15 years ago. At least.

Posted by: Slash at September 20, 2010 1:17 PM

That'd be very sweet, true, but you should be very suspicious if he promises cake at the end. That made me laugh very loudly. Who knew, "The cake is a lie.", still had some juice left. Well done, jeem!

Posted by: TylerDFC at September 20, 2010 1:27 PM

That video is, um, I'm speechless. Besides the obvious health issues, she doesn't know the words to the song. How hard is it to pull up the lyrics so you can actually sing along and not after?

All of a sudden the "fat guys with hot chicks" thread makes more sense.

Posted by: BWeaves at September 20, 2010 1:35 PM

I am honored that my Aunt Junice made it onto Pajiba Love with her sweet, sweet melodious tones.

Now, as I've mentioned before...it's time to NARFLE THE GARTHOK!

Posted by: The Pink Hulk at September 20, 2010 1:44 PM

after a three year love affair on MSN, Toxiccat finally screwed up the nerve, and told miss sweet home alabama if she could upload a video so he could see her. a gun shot was heard in his quiet suburb

Posted by: idleprimate at September 20, 2010 1:49 PM

I kind of like her. I like the way she says "Hello You-Tube people". I like that it's just her singing for ToxicCat1, not some rant about Alabama being full of good God-fearin' folk and all that. I like that she's found a way to pass the time instead of just watching Fox News and hating. I think I have found my soft spot. Who hasn't ever sung along to a song they really like? So what if she decided to video it. I genuinely like her. I hope ToxicCat1 reciprocates.

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 20, 2010 1:51 PM

Holy shitastic terror, click onto her youtube page and witness her original song "sunnyD and rum"

makes you wonder how America managed to take over the planet while at the same time making you understand how George Bush was their fearless leader.

Posted by: idleprimate at September 20, 2010 2:01 PM

Why would you need to pose for Playboy if you have TEN MILLION DOLLARS?

Some people are just that committed to their work.

Posted by: Todd at September 20, 2010 2:02 PM

Thanks for the Lifetime love. Always appreciated.

Posted by: Rusty at September 20, 2010 2:51 PM

I'm pretty sure the universe does not revolve around the sun.

Posted by: Vince Noir at September 20, 2010 2:56 PM

I think if someone asked you out in any way that involved the song "Still Alive" you might have cause to be very worried.

(not that I don't love that song to death)

Posted by: Catspada at September 20, 2010 3:08 PM

I guess all the floride isn't working. I'm going to floss RIGHT NOW.

Posted by: DeckOfficer!! at September 20, 2010 3:29 PM

Is anyone else having problems getting on Lightly Salted? I keep getting...
"We're sorry, but something went wrong.
We've been notified about this issue and we'll take a look at it shortly."
It's been happening on and off for several days.

Posted by: thepants at September 20, 2010 3:30 PM

Yeah, me too, Paddy Dog. C'mon folks, this person is making an honest and genuine effort to entertain and/or thank ToxicCat1 so how about acknowledging that video's aspect, as opposed to shitting on her physicality and/or lack of talent.

Save your snark for someone who really deserves it: Micheal Stipe, for example. What a pretentious and cheap-ass douche.

Posted by: kootenay girl at September 20, 2010 4:41 PM

Oh, and I keeping getting jammed on the Litely Salted quiz, too. Damn, and it was my best one to date.

Posted by: kootenay girl at September 20, 2010 4:42 PM

@lubeg

Shamwow!

Posted by: Mrs. Skipper at September 20, 2010 4:52 PM

That's a she?

Posted by: Royalewithcheese at September 20, 2010 6:19 PM

20 seconds before I had to stop the video.

Posted by: John W at September 20, 2010 9:45 PM

Gaycist hahaha

Posted by: aroorda at September 20, 2010 9:50 PM

Wow...I've lived long enough to memorize every advertising slogan every created [almost].

88% and the top of the leader board.

Who said all those years of television wouldn't pay off.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at September 21, 2010 10:25 AM

Nice blog subject. thanks for letting me add something!

Posted by: lady gaga heartbeats headphones at December 23, 2010 7:02 AM