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If You Touch Yourself, God Will Throw You Into A Firepit Forever

By | Pajiba Love | September 17, 2010 | Comments ()


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Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Christine O'Donnell. She's basically just a younger model of Sarah Palin, with one major difference: She's trying to stop you from jacking off. As opposed to myself, who encourages the fine art of masturbation. Christine O'Donnell, I will not stop until I destroy you. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

And now, just wash the thought of Morality Whore Barbie out of your head, here's a story about Alison Brie losing her top on a photoshoot and being all like "Who gives a shit? They're just tits." See how easy it is when you don't consider your body a sinful cesspit? (Warming Glow)

Devil comes out today. I know how excited you must be. Here's a quiz on M. Night Shyamalan. (LitelySalted)

Because they really just can't do any wrong at this point, Jon Stewart will be hosting the Rally to Restore Sanity on October 30th while Stephen Colbert will be hosting the March to Keep Fear Alive on the same day. Marry me. (Towleroad)

I'm sure this must come as a total shock to you, but Lindsay Lohan might be back on the wagon. No way, really? Who would've thought that it would take more than 22 days in rehab to fix 24 years worth of "I'm a precious little snowflake, I can do what I want" thinking? (Celebslam)

Everyone is saying that Kim Kardashian is dropping rumours that she's pregnant by eating ice cream and crying while watching Shrek. Whatever bitch, come back to me when she's walking around in pajama bottoms and throwing up in the morning. (popbytes)

Alright people, we now have a new dating term: The Vortex of Meaninglessness. It basically refers to some weird quirk about someone that makes you doubt them as a person. Like they're love of trains or the fact that they're a negative asshole who yells at you over weed. Get it now Diesel? (The Gloss)

Star Trek fans, prepare to set yourselves to stunned: here's the trailer to Quirk Books' Night of the Living Trekkies. I'll let you guys decide if they got zombies in your Star Trek or if they got Star Trek in your zombies. (Gamma Squad)

Oh look, they're making an unauthorized biography of Harvey Weinstein because... Ummmm, not really sure. Anybody out there hoping to see a movie about how Harvey Weinstein might be several shades of crazy? Yeah, me neither. (Film Drunk)

Now that Lea Michele from Glee lost all of five pounds, Playboy wants her to pose for them. Call me crazy, but I really don't see much in the ways of an intersecting market between Gleeks and Playboy enthusiasts. Playgirl, maybe. (Celebitchy)

And because reality TV isn't soul-crushing enough as it is, get ready for Bridalplasty! The show where women compete for dream weddings and plastic surgeries! I feel like I kicked Susan B. Anthony in the vagina just writing that. (Agent Bedhead)

OH MY GOD GROSS. Someone made a pumpkin Pop-Tart pie (Yay!) a BLT sandwich with Pop-Tart bread (Okay, still interested) and General Tao Pop-Tarts (Fuck you). This is like food evil. You have done evil with food. (Buzzfeed)

I know last week I brought you Ikea sex, and I am terribly sorry about that. So this week, I bring you Craigslist Library Sex! Oh come on, I know a good handful of you have probably got it on next to the Bronte section. (The Nerve)

And finally, baby monkey riding a piglet? baby monkey riding a piglet. Happy fucking Friday, people.

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin', and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his NSFW blog here, or email him here.



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