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If You Touch Yourself, God Will Throw You Into A Firepit Forever

By | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (34)

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Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Christine O’Donnell. She’s basically just a younger model of Sarah Palin, with one major difference: She’s trying to stop you from jacking off. As opposed to myself, who encourages the fine art of masturbation. Christine O’Donnell, I will not stop until I destroy you. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

And now, just wash the thought of Morality Whore Barbie out of your head, here’s a story about Alison Brie losing her top on a photoshoot and being all like “Who gives a shit? They’re just tits.” See how easy it is when you don’t consider your body a sinful cesspit? (Warming Glow)

Devil comes out today. I know how excited you must be. Here’s a quiz on M. Night Shyamalan. (LitelySalted)

Because they really just can’t do any wrong at this point, Jon Stewart will be hosting the Rally to Restore Sanity on October 30th while Stephen Colbert will be hosting the March to Keep Fear Alive on the same day. Marry me. (Towleroad)

I’m sure this must come as a total shock to you, but Lindsay Lohan might be back on the wagon. No way, really? Who would’ve thought that it would take more than 22 days in rehab to fix 24 years worth of “I’m a precious little snowflake, I can do what I want” thinking? (Celebslam)

Everyone is saying that Kim Kardashian is dropping rumours that she’s pregnant by eating ice cream and crying while watching Shrek. Whatever bitch, come back to me when she’s walking around in pajama bottoms and throwing up in the morning. (popbytes)

Alright people, we now have a new dating term: The Vortex of Meaninglessness. It basically refers to some weird quirk about someone that makes you doubt them as a person. Like they’re love of trains or the fact that they’re a negative asshole who yells at you over weed. Get it now Diesel? (The Gloss)

Star Trek fans, prepare to set yourselves to stunned: here’s the trailer to Quirk Books’ Night of the Living Trekkies. I’ll let you guys decide if they got zombies in your Star Trek or if they got Star Trek in your zombies. (Gamma Squad)

Oh look, they’re making an unauthorized biography of Harvey Weinstein because… Ummmm, not really sure. Anybody out there hoping to see a movie about how Harvey Weinstein might be several shades of crazy? Yeah, me neither. (Film Drunk)

Now that Lea Michele from Glee lost all of five pounds, Playboy wants her to pose for them. Call me crazy, but I really don’t see much in the ways of an intersecting market between Gleeks and Playboy enthusiasts. Playgirl, maybe. (Celebitchy)

And because reality TV isn’t soul-crushing enough as it is, get ready for Bridalplasty! The show where women compete for dream weddings and plastic surgeries! I feel like I kicked Susan B. Anthony in the vagina just writing that. (Agent Bedhead)

OH MY GOD GROSS. Someone made a pumpkin Pop-Tart pie (Yay!) a BLT sandwich with Pop-Tart bread (Okay, still interested) and General Tao Pop-Tarts (Fuck you). This is like food evil. You have done evil with food. (Buzzfeed)

I know last week I brought you Ikea sex, and I am terribly sorry about that. So this week, I bring you Craigslist Library Sex! Oh come on, I know a good handful of you have probably got it on next to the Bronte section. (The Nerve)

And finally, baby monkey riding a piglet? baby monkey riding a piglet. Happy fucking Friday, people.

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin’, and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his NSFW blog here, or email him here.









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Comments

I am not sure that it is possible to release an "unauthorised autobiography".

Posted by: returnofthesmith at September 17, 2010 12:07 PM

No man, it is totally possible. Remember the lady with dissociative identity disorder from When Rabbit Howls?

She stalked herself. The boiled rabbits were coming from inside the house, mamajama!

Posted by: Melodie at September 17, 2010 12:12 PM

My ex loves cute stuff...but has a deep fear of primates...naw, I'm not actually that mean.

Posted by: Jay at September 17, 2010 12:16 PM

I only got one question wrong on the Shyamalan quiz. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed.

Posted by: Robert at September 17, 2010 12:19 PM

You know what? I watched that video of Christine O'Donnell on Deus Ex Malcontent while bedazzling the disco stick. Twice.

Posted by: admin at September 17, 2010 12:22 PM

Bridalplasty really is a shot straight to the babymaker.

I can't see the video at work. Is it as good as Colbert's Monkey on the Lamb?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 17, 2010 12:31 PM

Star Trek or zombies. Star Trek or zombies...

[head explodes]

Posted by: superasente at September 17, 2010 12:36 PM

admin,

If Ms. O'Donnell gets you worked up, please for the love of god don't click the Warming Glow link or you might rip your dick off.

The black and white photo nearly made my balls explode.

Posted by: Kballs at September 17, 2010 12:37 PM

I only got one question wrong on the Shyamalan quiz. I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed.

Be proud until the twist at the end when it turns out you were ashamed all along.

Posted by: mswas at September 17, 2010 12:39 PM

I am kind of in love with baby monkey on a pig. I think it's the scene where the monkey is running after the pig, desperate for a ride. Very cute.

Posted by: Edith at September 17, 2010 12:44 PM

Also, I think you mean Lindsey Lohan is OFF the wagon, not ON it.

Posted by: Edith at September 17, 2010 12:46 PM

Christine O'Donnell looks amazingly like Sarah Palin when she wears her glasses. I wondered (quite cynically) to myself if she bought those glasses on purpose to heighten the resemblance.

On a different topic, I would like to take the litely salted quizzes more often, but man sakes alive, that is the slowest loading website I've ever tried to use. I don't know if it's the site or if it's because I'm on an iPhone. I never have to wait so long for any other websites. I can easily waste half of my lunch hour waiting for the site to load, then waiting for the questions to load. Usually it's just not worth my time.

Posted by: elsie at September 17, 2010 1:04 PM

Kballs, I wrapped the rope around the tether-ball pole to that one yesterday. I won.

Posted by: admin at September 17, 2010 1:08 PM

I will NEVER get tired of "red shirt guy" jokes. NEVER. I love that Night of the Living Trekkies trailer SO HARD.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 17, 2010 1:10 PM

I think I might be singing "baby monkey..." all day now.

Making a Venn diagram between adorable and awesome.

Posted by: Sara H at September 17, 2010 1:14 PM

Damn Jeremy! I NEVER click on the cute animal links but you got me today. Ugh. Too.Much.Cuteness.

In other news, Lea Michele looks AWFUL. Like she came out of a factory for actresses. I'm so tired of seeing actresses come to Hollywood looking like REAL people and then three, six, twelve months later look like they're lining up for Botox and sleeping with Lindsay Lohan.

Ick.

Posted by: grace b at September 17, 2010 1:30 PM

Right there with ya, Sara H

Baby monkey!

Baby monkey!

Ridin' on a pig, baby monkey!

Posted by: mswas at September 17, 2010 1:31 PM

Delaware needs help. Serious help.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 17, 2010 1:43 PM

Elsie--yep, Christine O'Donnell is totally aware of her resemblance to St. Sarah. She went out and bought those eyeglasses to achieve that effect (and she also wore Palin-esque red suit and the flag pin in that photo). All she needs is a Bumpit so she can put her hair up. Hmm...kind of Vertigo-esque (that is, if Judy had turned herself into Madeline).

Posted by: True_Blue at September 17, 2010 1:52 PM

Can someone get Paul Reubens to run in Delaware? I would pay large sums of money to see those debates.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at September 17, 2010 1:54 PM

O'Donnell also says that if God chooses to cure your cancer and coincidentally you are left with whopping medical bills, that's nothing to do with the fact that God just cured your cancer.

In principle the woman is a gift to those of us hoping the Senate stays Dem, but I fear the media is picking on her so much that there will be backlash. Anyone remember Carol Mosely-Braun?

Posted by: PaddyDog at September 17, 2010 2:13 PM

10/10 on the Shamallama quiz. I'm only really ashamed that I knew about the existence of Wide Awake.

Posted by: Paul at September 17, 2010 3:07 PM

I started to take the Shy quiz but quit three questions into it when I realized I couldn't remember the names of any of his films even though I had to study several of them in my Film and pop culture classes. Try watching Lady in the Water several times in a row on purpose. It really hurts.

Posted by: Danielle Lilly at September 17, 2010 3:26 PM

I used to think Sarah Palin was Looney Toones until Christine O’Donnell came on the scene wth her masturbation is a sin routine. Any woman that is not married and labels masturbation evil is one screwed up broad, she’s got a to have a fuck machine hidden down in her basement somewhere.

Posted by: Pookie at September 17, 2010 3:58 PM

Jay, your ex is terrified of primates? Did you have the heart not to mention that humans are primates? (If so, you're a kinder person than I.)

Funny, though. I didn't think anyone disliked monkeys.

Posted by: meaux at September 17, 2010 5:36 PM

I weep for my adopted state. This place gets more Napoleon complex fucked up every day. Must be all that shit Dupont dumped in the water years ago. Or the inbreeding. Or the lack of jacking off. Time to head back north,

Posted by: slower lower at September 17, 2010 6:11 PM

No slower lower it can’t be Dupont because those EPA hating gun loving idiots have never seen a corporation that they wouldn’t bend over and take it up the ass for.

Posted by: Pookie at September 17, 2010 6:42 PM

Call me crazy, but I really don’t see much in the ways of an intersecting market between Gleeks and Playboy enthusiasts.

I object. They've got me. I'd rather see Naya Rivera in Playboy though.

Posted by: wuggle at September 17, 2010 9:26 PM

yup, baby monkey is stuck in my head now. and i had been trying to be in a bad mood, that's all shot to hell now.

Posted by: idleprimate at September 17, 2010 10:05 PM

Is it possible to look at Christine O’Donnell and NOT think this is a political reenactment of "Single White Female" with Sarah Palin playing Allie.

Does this mean O'Donnel is going to give Todd a blowjob and then kill him?

Posted by: bleujayone at September 17, 2010 10:45 PM

Dear Christine O'Donnell, a.k.a mini Sarah Palin,

From now on, every time I flick the bean before bedtime, I will picture you in a ball gag on all fours being led around by John Stewart dressed in leather and brandishing a riding whip. This will not be a turn on for you, as he will eloquently wax poetic about gay marriage, universal healthcare, sex before marriage, and being Jewish.

That is all.

Sincerely,

Proud Masturbator since 1994.

Posted by: scorzi at September 17, 2010 11:37 PM

Meaux, I don't like monkeys. I think they are fun and cute and awesome in theory (and from a safe distance), but I've had an all-too-real experience of them attacking me. When I was eight.

The other monkeys were jealous that I was feeding all my peanuts to one monkey. My mom wasn't watching me and the next thing she knew, I was raising holy hell trying to swat the biting, scratching monkeys out of my face.

Posted by: denesteak at September 18, 2010 12:57 AM

Wait, I don't get it. Who's Diesel?

Like the clothing brand? Had you noticed this aside- that the new ad campaign from them is

BE STUPID. Diesel.

I know, it all seems like a ploy to get noticed. But it just seems counter to want to spend that kind of money without really feeling stupid.

The lincoln log lady doesn't piss me off. She's so utterly harmless. Another Audible Voice of God apoplectic, but i can see where desperately wanting fame and quiet despair can cause those in a person. It's just tragic that while it's healthy to challenge authority, the most Tea Partiers who do win will accomplish on a federal level is the lip service delivery that has been awarded to people who vote because they think they're getting prayer in schools or gay rights. Politishes get to deliver on their campaign promise with one day's work and a speech on the floor, delegating the hearing of petitions on more on the same subject to subordinates.

I know, I know. You who've been waiting to get __________ from Obama have been waiting along time-- from before he even got in office, from before the beginning of time. That just means, more patience.

On a final, coffee where tea might be appropriate-stained note, Why doesn't some special interest group offer the slogan, "We'll Lower Your Taxes When You Stop Asking For Shit."

The T-shirt would have on the back, "Jeebus, it's every day with you guys."

Posted by: Jackseppelin at September 18, 2010 7:45 AM

Jackseppelin, I want that shirt. Right fucking now...

Posted by: Trouble at September 20, 2010 8:42 AM