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Armond White: Dipsh*t Reviews For Dumbass People

By | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (44)

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For those of you who’ve never heard of Armond White, I give you: the anti-Pajiba. A dipshit hack of a writer who wouldn’t know a good movie if it kicked him in the balls with steel-toed army boots. If you can actually make it through this review of Inception without tossing your computer off a balcony, you’re a better person than I. (NY Press)

And to wash the taste of abject failure out of your mouth, here’s a review of M.I.A.’s /\/\/\//\ that will mindfuck you five ways to Sunday. (Fourfour)

Unlike everyone else in the world with a functioning brain, Rihanna is thinking about giving Chris Brown a second chance after he fake-cried at the BET Awards. As someone who gave their ex and his stupid saggy bitchtits a second chance, all I can say is “Don’t do it, dumbass!” (Evil Beet)

With Levi Johnston getting shotgun married to Bristol “Being a Teen Mom is Awful Unless You’re Me!” Palin, Kathy Griffin is getting over it the best way she knows how: Ripping up Playgirl magazines and making a pass at Taylor Lautner. (popbytes)

Despite being a raging asshole, having eight kids and using botox the way most people use moisturizer, Kate Gosselin thinks she’s Grade-A dating material. (Yeeeah!)

Mr. Old Spice has taken to Youtube to woo Rose McGowan. The result is. .. Ummmm, yeah. We get it Mr. Old Spice; you’re hot. But your product still smells like grandpas. (Agent Bedhead)

Here’s Perrier’s new ad, which features Dita von Teese taking off her clothes and pouring sparkling water all over herself. No matter what you think about Dita, I think we can all agree: Perrier’s marketing department has officially stopped trying. (Warming Glow)

Today’s proof that there is, in fact, a loving God, Betty White is going to be guesting on an episode of Community. God, I am SO ready for that jelly. (Screen Junkies)

I don’t know what’s more terrifying: the fact that there’s a petition out there to get Glenn Beck to run for President, or the woman in the video who clearly set her Homer Simpson Makeup Gun to “Super Whore”. (Deus Ex Malcontent)

Oh. My. GOD. Someone actually went around Toronto comparing the locations in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World with their real-life counterparts. All I can say is that I so cannot wait to move to Toronto in two weeks. Toronto Pajibans Represent! (Comics Alliance)

Someone finally got around to doing a mashup of Mel Gibson’s hate-filled tapes with a scene from What Women Want, and the results would be funny if they weren’t so soul crushing.

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin’, and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his sorta-NSFW blog here, or email him here.









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Comments

"Not trying," hell. I've never bought so much Perrier in my whole life. I'm getting this stuff shipped in by the pallet.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 15, 2010 12:08 PM

Hey, maybe "Inception" just sucks.

Posted by: Jay at July 15, 2010 12:09 PM

after his gross The Dark Knight pulled in $500 million

Did that Armond White just call The Dark Knight gross? His writing is so hackneyed and full of run-on sentences that he may have meant something else. I don't think he did mean something else though. Gross? GROSS?

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at July 15, 2010 12:10 PM

Community! Betty White! I just peed my pants a little!

Posted by: dsbs at July 15, 2010 12:11 PM

Holy cow, I thought I was bad about abusing parentheses, but Armond White must get paid by the bracket. That's some bad writing, that is. I've seen more coherent thoughts run four times in succession through Babelfish.

Posted by: Wednesday at July 15, 2010 12:18 PM

I didn't get to send this in time for Pajiba Love, but a bar in NYC is selling the The Mel Gibson, a "Bi-Polar Cocktail"

Posted by: mswas at July 15, 2010 12:26 PM

God, I am SO ready for that jelly.

You and me both, brother. I've lubed up the walker, prepped the Pepsident and have a hip replacement surgery team on standby.

*Cues Let's Get It On*

Posted by: admin at July 15, 2010 12:35 PM

I know, Che!

According to that site I Write Like (iwl.me/), White writes like David Foster Wallace. IS THIS TRUE??

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at July 15, 2010 12:41 PM

I threw by laptop off the balcony midway through the first sentence of his review. You know, where he says Nolan has no knack for detail. Fortunately for my research and this post my laptop passed the IFITCANFLY test and returned to me to continue reading and typing.

Posted by: Brian at July 15, 2010 12:47 PM

Not trying?
That is by far the best ad for water in the history of ads for water!
what the fuck is wrong with you?

Posted by: supafly at July 15, 2010 12:48 PM

OMFG, who THE FUCK is this guy...? You were right - couldn't get through it...

Posted by: SarahReznor at July 15, 2010 12:49 PM

Wow. That review was in fact unreadable.

Posted by: lil_a at July 15, 2010 12:50 PM

I'm not a big fan of the Toy Story franchise but man, Armond White needs to go fuck himself a couple of times until he is right in the head.

And the Old Spice man needs to take me behind the gymnasium and show me the meaning of a real man. He is hot. Like he can be my baby daddy hot.

Posted by: juicyjui at July 15, 2010 12:53 PM

What DFW wrote made sense. Armond White just likes the "sound" of his own voice.

Posted by: king at July 15, 2010 12:53 PM

I have no real opinion on this Armond White -- his style is a bit loopy but he's as entitled to his opinion as the next asshole. However, I wanted to thank Pinky McLadybits for introducing me to that timesuck, "I Write Like," where I've just spent an unproductive but entertaining half hour plugging in pieces of everything I've ever written. Apparently, and depending on the exercise, I write like H.P. Lovecraft, Stephen King, and, yes, David Foster Wallace, which means that by association I write like Armond White.

Um. I'll show myself out now.

Posted by: Another Kate at July 15, 2010 1:02 PM

I'm all for Armond White having an opinion. I just wish he could coherently relay it to the rest of us without trying to write beyond his level.

And YES! That site is a total timesuck. I got H.P. Lovecraft, Margaret Atwood, and...I forgot the last one.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at July 15, 2010 1:07 PM

Great, now I have to buy all the Perrier ever AND I'm aroused. So thanks you bitches. Oh Dita. Be mine....

Posted by: Nadine at July 15, 2010 1:16 PM

Nope. You'll have to wrestle me for her, Nadine.
And there's a good use for all the Perrier you're going to buy...

Posted by: Rykker at July 15, 2010 1:26 PM

Replace Dita with Alexander Skarsgard, and methinks Jeremy changes his tune. I've never been so interested in Perrier in my life, so mission accomplished, marketing team.

Posted by: logar at July 15, 2010 1:43 PM

Pinky thank you for that site. So much fun. I guess I must write like Chuck Palahniuk (! and ? and !!), since that's come up twice now. I'm off for more fun...

Posted by: Scully at July 15, 2010 1:45 PM

Pinky I got Margaret Atwood too!

Posted by: mswas at July 15, 2010 1:51 PM


Well he's sure found the one way to stand out among all other assholish, mediocre pseudo-movie reviewers out there: bash on everything that is well-respected. Really, it's painfully transparent and just kind of sad, but it's working. Every single time, it works.

Stop paying attention to him, dammit.

Or ooh! I know! I'm gonna start up my OWN blog where I hate on EVERYTHING that the world loves for no other reason than to get attention and I can make money off of it. I think I'll start with Betty White, and move on to puppies.

Posted by: figgy at July 15, 2010 2:36 PM

Figgy, I have a passport and the ability to be in Texas tomorrow morning. I suggest you retract your threat against Betty White's personage and pray she sees fit to forgive you your indiscretions.

Posted by: admin at July 15, 2010 2:40 PM

I write like Jane Austen, H.P. Lovecraft, and James Joyce.

I ran some negative reviews from Eric D Snider, James Berardinelli, Roger Ebert, and MaryAnn Johanson through IWL and they all apparently write like David Foster Wallace, so apparently DFW's style is just similar to that of negative movie reviews. Never fear, Pinky!

Posted by: Lenina Crowne at July 15, 2010 2:51 PM

But, ADMIN. I wouldn't MEAN it! I just want to make money off of pretending to hate things for absolutely no reason other than to get attention!

Posted by: figgy at July 15, 2010 2:55 PM

Either something in the algorithm is horribly off, or I need to never write ever again. Apparently my thesis is written like Dan Brown. That cuts deep, internet.

Posted by: Phaeolus at July 15, 2010 3:19 PM

Bad form, Jeremy. Why didn't you just post portions of White's review, or the whole thing? You basically sent him more traffic, which is all his bosses care about. Don't be an enabler!

Posted by: RobP at July 15, 2010 3:40 PM

Attention rot-gutter critics who write 5 minutes after waking up from a bender and thinking the world hates you.

Acidophilus cures rot-gut dyspepsia!

Now you, like Mr. White should do, can focus on the content of your criticism and not your digestive status.

Washes down with a nice bottle of Teese-ier.

Posted by: Recondite at July 15, 2010 4:22 PM

What White needs to give (to establish a minimum standard of what he's criticizing) are counter-examples of directors he thinks have attention to detail. If Nolan isn't on his list, who the hell is?

Posted by: Recondite at July 15, 2010 4:25 PM

That there writey-site said I write like David Foster Wallace.
Is that a good thing? I'm not familiar with Mr. Wallace.

Posted by: Rykker at July 15, 2010 4:46 PM

White just loves to stir people up and generate some notoriety for himself. There's no point in other people taking his reviews seriously since I doubt he does himself. He's basically a SNL version of the stereotypical pompous thesaurus-loving movie critic, with the punchline being that he has terrible taste.

The Last Song (2010)
" Cyrus’ acting ability makes Veronica’s emotional make-over work."

Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)
" Australian director P.J. Hogan is one of the most original contemporary comic filmmakers -- better than the chick-flick genre ever had."

Bedtime Stories (2008)
" That Skeeter benefits from what he does for his niece and nephew is an object lesson in responsibility and benevolence -- and it blesses the audience, too."

Transporter 3 (2008)
" Forget the Oscar bait, Transporter 3 is the only movie you need to see this season."

Posted by: DD at July 15, 2010 5:02 PM

Well, Rykker, I pasted three blog entries in that fucker and got one Stephen King and two DFWs, and said "Hot damn, I WISH I wrote like DFW," if that helps.

(I've only just started reading A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again, but really really love it so far.)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverdouche at July 15, 2010 5:21 PM

Thanks, AvB. You da bomb[shell].
I tried it a second time, also, and got Stephen King, as well.

Posted by: Rykker at July 15, 2010 5:34 PM

Anna,

When did you become Beaverdouche?

And why hasn't Pajiba reported on SHARKTOPUS yet??!!??

Posted by: MM at July 15, 2010 5:54 PM

Behold the Wrath of Godtopus!
Sharktopus, Angelfish of Death.

Posted by: Rykker at July 15, 2010 6:09 PM

I made it through three whole paragraphs of that review before pausing to fully absorb the encroaching migraine. After some serious contemplation, I decided that my balcony wasn't high enough to adequately smash the pain away. Instead, I sought out my happy place, where I discovered that envisioning Armand White as an inept super villain delivering a monologue to a captured Nolan throughout the review kind of takes the edge off - especially the interjected "a beginning-of-the-end moment for film culture, ha, ha" part.

Posted by: thenchonto at July 15, 2010 6:09 PM

Wasn't White outed as a troll? The Internet kind, not the bridge kind.

Posted by: stryker1121 at July 15, 2010 7:10 PM

I got Kurt Vonnegut. Is that good?

And hey, I'm not even a natural speaker.

Posted by: FabMax at July 15, 2010 9:04 PM

Well, MM, it seems Aquaman was none too fond of me in the Green Lantern thread. I mean, it *could* be because of my implication that he's pretty much the worst superhero EVER. But I'm pretty sure it's just because he's kind of a twat.

Also, I decided that I got Wallace in the author thinger because I write "like" a lot (I can't help it! I am a child of the 80s!) and so does he.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverdouche at July 15, 2010 9:30 PM

Yay! An early welcome to Toronto, Jeremy!

Posted by: keenerweiner at July 16, 2010 12:14 AM

The Greyhound Terminal is at Dundas Station, not street. If he were poor enough, he'd know it's on Elizabeth Street.

Take that, financial solvency.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at July 16, 2010 12:17 AM

AvB,

Fuck Aquaman and the seahorse he rode in on. Amirite?

Posted by: MM at July 16, 2010 2:38 AM

Yes, Toronto rocks. Uber alive, plenty of alleyways, boutiques, unique neighbOUrhoods. Very cosmopolitan. Scott Pilgrim captures it well and I'm sure viewers will get a nice awakening.

Surprise surprise..No one owns a team of dog sleds.

Posted by: JaneSpotting at July 16, 2010 9:15 AM

@JaneSpotting:

Speak for yourself! And also me.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at July 16, 2010 11:14 PM