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R.I.P. (Straight) Porn

By | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (43)



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Bad news, straight people: after a performer tested positive for HIV, Vivid Video and Wicked Entertainment will be shutting down indefinitely until the problem is solved. Seriously people: CONDOMS in PORN. USE THEM. It really isn’t that hard. (Yahoo)

I’m not gonna lie, Derek Da Silva sent this to me on Twitter yesterday and it totally made my day: Brian Henson, Jim Henson’s son, is working on Happytime Murders, a dark-comedy murder mystert about a world where muppets and humans live together and holy shit, I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything ever. (Popwatch)

Oh look, someone took the time to create a mash-up video of famous last words from movies. While they’re all perfectly good, I already know what my final words are going to be: “I buried the treasure beneath the… *Dies*” (Screen Junkies)

Lindsay Lohan was caught sneaking out of jail the other day, and before any of you jump to conclusions, she was only sneaking out so that she could go buy some Coke. Oh, wait, that doesn’t sound any better… (popbytes)

Let’s get one thing straight here: I will never have kids because kids are evil and loud and fucking awful. That being said, I raised three of them already, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, if you EVER get in between a child and cake, THIS will happen. (HyperboleAndAHalf)

Oh FUCK YES! The good people at Cartoon Network are going to be turning How To Train Your Dragon into a full-fledged series. Suck it haters, but I actually thought How To Train Your Dragon was a slightly better movie than Toy Story 3. (The Flickcast)

Just in case any of you ever doubted Mad Men’s accuracy as to 1960’s feminism, it turns out that most women who grew up in the era refuse to watch the show because it’s too realistic. Yet somehow the kid from Two-And-A-Half Men makes three times as much as Jon Hamm. (Zelda Lily)

Anybody remember Bush? Not the president that single-handedly ran the country into the ground, I meant the band. Yeah, them. Anyway, lead singer Gavin Rossdale admitted to Details magazine that he had a fling with a cross-dresser, and before anyone asks, sleeping with a cross-dresser only ranks a four on the gay scale (a gayle?). (Yeeeah!)

Because nerds can and will make just about anything if given the time and resources, here’s a life-size steampunk Iron Man suit. While I can appreciate the effort that went into it, get over it nerds; not everything needs to run on a goddamn steam engine. (Unreality)

Avril Lavigne is on the cover of Maxim Magazine, which means her career is over and she was willing to pose topless in a third-rate magazine for spare change. Suck a hot cock, sk8r girl. (Evil Beet)

I think we can all agree that Jackass is a pretty male-oriented show, but worry not ladies! Take a look at this female-version of Jackass and thank whatever all-knowing being you believe in that you’re not them! (Frothy Girlz)

Well, you can all kiss your productivity goodbye: Here’s a flowchart of every female character that has ever or will ever existed. Yeah, this one’s gonna take you an hour. Hope you like confusing lines and tiny writing! (Overthinking It)

Hey ladies, have I got a treat for you. It’s Zach Galifianakis. In a one-piece. Giving you bedroom eyes. Awwwwwww yeah. Pace yourselves ladies, pace yourselves. He’ll be here alllllllll night. (Coed Magazine)

I know the song is a little old, but whatever, it’s a good song and the video is based on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (BEST. MOVIE. EVER.), so here’s Stars’ Your Ex-Lover Is Dead.

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin’, and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his NSFW blog here, or email him here.









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Comments

"Bad news, straight people: after a performer tested positive for HIV, Vivid Video and Wicked Entertainment will be shutting down indefinitely until the problem is solved."

Well, there goes Montana Fishburn's career.

Posted by: BWeaves at October 14, 2010 12:07 PM

CONDOMS in PORN. USE THEM. It really isn’t that hard.

In other news, I'm twelve.

Posted by: coveredinbees at October 14, 2010 12:11 PM

It really isn’t that hard.

Which makes it really difficult to put a condom on.

(I'm eight.)

Posted by: Rykker at October 14, 2010 12:19 PM

Dammit, how did I not see that one coming?

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at October 14, 2010 12:23 PM

Because you were behind. . .never mind. I haven't the heart for gay jokes.

Posted by: coveredinbees at October 14, 2010 12:26 PM

Because the condom was in the way?

Posted by: slower lower at October 14, 2010 12:27 PM

how did I not see that one coming?

Because of the condom?

Posted by: Yossarian at October 14, 2010 12:30 PM

Brian Henson, Jim Henson’s son, is working on Happytime Murders, a dark-comedy murder mystert about a world where muppets and humans live together and holy shit, I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything ever.

OMG MUST HAVE RRIGHT NOW A;HFOIEHWA O;IGFHO;UW ABO;U

Posted by: Anna von Beav at October 14, 2010 12:31 PM

I adore that song.

Posted by: toomin at October 14, 2010 12:49 PM

Hahahaha I love Allie Brosh. She's hilarious.

Ew. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What a load of obnoxiousness....shove it haters.

Posted by: grace b at October 14, 2010 12:55 PM

Suck it haters, but I actually thought How To Train Your Dragon was a slightly better movie than Toy Story 3

Agreed.

Posted by: twig at October 14, 2010 12:56 PM

re: Anna's A;HFOIEHWA O;IGFHO;UW ABO;U

Sounds about right.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 14, 2010 12:58 PM

I'm kind of curious how you "solve" the problem of AIDS in porn. I mean other than the obvious condom use (which apparently isn't obvious). Are they just going to pretend that just that one person is positive for AIDS or any other STD? Just get rid of the one person and then it's back to banging?

Posted by: Slash at October 14, 2010 1:03 PM

Not the president that single-handedly ran the country into the ground, I meant the band.

I realize you're a foreigner without a real clear picture of how American politics work. But over here congress has to introduce and pass all legislation. The president can't "single-handedly" do much of anything.

Posted by: EricD at October 14, 2010 1:12 PM

Yet somehow the kid from Two-And-A-Half Men makes three times as much as Jon Hamm.

Sigh. Two and a Half Men is a half hour show. So the kid makes six times what Hamm makes.

Posted by: Edith at October 14, 2010 1:18 PM

That cake story? Given that my daughter will be the product of my childhood-troublemaker of a husband and my persistent self....yeah, that's pretty much exactly how she's going to turn out. I know the full-force of a pissed-off little girl since, you know, I was a little girl at one time, but my husband has only the tiniest clue. Poor, unsuspecting husband.

Posted by: stardust at October 14, 2010 1:30 PM

Suck it haters, but I actually thought How To Train Your Dragon was a slightly better movie than Toy Story 3

I thought that was fairly obvious, but remove the 'slightly'. Which reminds me:

[waves hands]Listen to my voice . . Ooooooooo . . YOU MUST BUY THE DVD TOMORROW. Buy the DVD. Buy the DVD . . . oooooooooo . . [/waves hands]

Posted by: idiosynchronic at October 14, 2010 1:31 PM

Happytime Murders, aka Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Part Deux: Electric Boogaloo

Posted by: longcoat000 at October 14, 2010 1:31 PM

"Bad news, straight people: after a performer tested positive for HIV, Vivid Video and Wicked Entertainment will be shutting down indefinitely until the problem is solved."

Ummm...the infected performer acts in straight and gay porn. Maybe you should get your news from today.

Posted by: Matt at October 14, 2010 1:34 PM

Lying under your kit on ice doesn't look like fun. Poor little drummer boy.

Posted by: Lauren at October 14, 2010 1:35 PM

Wait... so a Henson is ripping off Greg the Bunny? Am I the only one who feels saddened by that?

Posted by: Jgirl at October 14, 2010 2:25 PM

How To Train A Dragon was awful dreck with a confoundedly mixed message.

What's really confounding is how many people on this site love that movie.

---

Jezebel had an interesting take on why condom use and no testing is more prevalent in gay porn and stringent testing bare backing is more prevalent in straight porn.
http://jezebel.com/5663052/hiv+positive-porn-star-was-gay+to+straight

Posted by: Blair at October 14, 2010 3:04 PM

I would love to watch the video but I can't because the fucking Jackass add keeps coming alive with sound randomly (not touching it with my cursor) and its bringing me down.

Come on Pajiba, I know the ad revenue is important but do we really need a Jackass soundtrack every two minutes to come blasting from our computer speakers, alerting everyone around us that we might not be working.

Sounds like something that everyone would normally make fun of around here...

I'm just sayin...

Posted by: TVConnisseur at October 14, 2010 3:12 PM

I think there's enough porn to tide us over, everyone. Besides, I have a perfectly good porn bunker for just such an emergency. Visitors are encouraged, but you can only come one at a time. And you can only be female. And attractive*. And naked.

*Level of attractiveness and single visitor rules are negotiable.

Posted by: Kballs at October 14, 2010 3:14 PM

Apparently TVConnisseur is new to Pajibaland.

Take it easy on him, Dustin.

Posted by: Kballs at October 14, 2010 3:15 PM

Bullshit EricD. Executive orders - 84 under Bush. Signing Statements (look it up if you need to) - an excessively high enough number to be controversial. Presidential Vetoes - very few until the democrats regained control of the senate. There could be more ways the president has direct power, but hey, I'm just a lay person on the subject. What do I know?

Posted by: katy at October 14, 2010 3:38 PM

I know this will make me a target for the haters and this is a hipster-elite site, but....

Two and a Half Men targets a proportionately larger audiance that buys more. There are more men who at least claim to be straight who like Two and a Half men because it feeds into their fantasies and fears. They buy the advertising products and the kids gets money. Quality programming? No. But most who have enjoyed a year watching live theater will tell you expecting quality out of TV is a little naive.

Mad Men, is more aimed at...well let's put it this way: Two and a Half men is rerun on FX, while Mad Men could easily rerun on Lago, or Bravo, or Fa-la-la Lifetime. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Is this Irony? Hamm's character would probably rather watch Two and Half Men than Mad Men and he certainly wouldn't purchase ad time on Mad Men.

Things that make you go "Hmmmm...."

Posted by: ChuckFilm at October 14, 2010 4:00 PM

Forgive my gross under-reporting. 290 Executive Orders under Bush.

Posted by: katy at October 14, 2010 4:01 PM

Kballs
Between your porn bunker and Tracer Bullet's Masturbatorium, we should have enough porn to tide us all over through this hardship. Don't forget to email me the passcode.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 14, 2010 4:08 PM

The cake story is hilarious. And my 3 and 5 year old godkids act JUST like that around cake.

But, I KEEP IT ALL FOR ME, HA HA HA HA....

Posted by: Drake at October 14, 2010 4:49 PM

My Dearest Nathan Fillion,
I would totally be in a construction site porno with you. Even if you shot me in the head with a nail gun at the end. And I've been afraid of nail guns since the end of Casino Royale. Like, really afraid. But it would be worth it. Let's just be careful not to shoot the condom with a nail gun, though. Just in case.
xxx,
esme

Posted by: esme at October 14, 2010 4:59 PM

Anyone watching porn aside from the celibate is doing it for an escape from their own sex lives, not for sex safety tips. They want to see whatever their version of a rollicking, escapist good time in the bedroom is. I bet for most people that doesn't involve condoms. The fantasy is that you don't have to worry about disease or unwanted pregnancy. The porn is selling the fantasy, just like many other genres. Maybe people who aren't grown up to know the difference shouldn't be having sex anyway....

Posted by: Eep at October 14, 2010 5:15 PM

a life-size steampunk Iron Man suit.

Saw this dude at NYCC. That suit was damn well done. The wheels on the back actually turned.

Only negative part was that he couldn't see shit. But on the flipside, he was accompanied/"guide-dogged" by a fairly attractive Scarlet Witch. Best costume at NYCC, bar none.

Posted by: D-Day at October 14, 2010 5:27 PM

"Suck a hot cock, sk8r girl"

First thing I have ever agreed with you on Jeremy.

Posted by: Doug at October 14, 2010 5:38 PM

Wait... so a Henson is ripping off Greg the Bunny? Am I the only one who feels saddened by that?

Meh. They're both ripoffs of Peter Jackson's Meet the Feebles. You want to see some dark muppets, watch that.


I love "Your Ex-Lover is Dead," but I'd never seen the video. Thanks, Feist.


That female character flowchart is incredible. I love the pregnant female teen branch - "Does she get an abortion? Ha ha, of course not."

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at October 14, 2010 8:12 PM

Eep:

True, but still...

If people can sue McDonald's for making them fat or for serving them scalding-hot coffee, then anyone who makes any kind of product can be sued for just about anything. Product liability torts know no minimum IQ.

What bugs me is how this is going to warrant even more homophobia (justifiable or not, and mostly not) within straight porn.

Posted by: Jerry at October 14, 2010 10:13 PM

I should revise that last sentence.

What bugs me is how people will use this HIV panic to "warrant" even more homophobia ("justifiably" or not, and mostly not) within straight porn.

Guys brave enough to do gay, bi, straight, trans, fetish and other kinds of porn, whether from personal preference or just for the money, get enough shit within straight porn, and they don't need to be blamed for lax protection standards on straight sets.

Posted by: Jerry at October 14, 2010 10:24 PM

My band name of the week is now Puppet Dystopia.

Posted by: Jenilane at October 14, 2010 11:57 PM

Bullshit EricD. Executive orders - 84 under Bush. Signing Statements (look it up if you need to) - an excessively high enough number to be controversial. Presidential Vetoes - very few until the democrats regained control of the senate

Didn't GWB only veto five bills? And since every president uses executive orders and Signing Statement which ones exactly are you suggesting "single-handedly ran the country into the ground"? And as for an "execssively high number", GWB had less signing statements then Clinton. Look it up.

Posted by: EricD at October 15, 2010 1:04 AM

It really isn’t that hard.
---
If anyone would ...

Aw shit, everybody beat me to it.

Posted by: , at October 15, 2010 1:50 AM

@, you said beat...giggles!

Posted by: clarity at October 15, 2010 6:45 AM

Lwa'e',

What? You think I'm just giving this thing out? People must earn their way into my Love Bunker.

Oh, alright. A clue then: Pajibans genuflect when uttering it.

Posted by: Kballs at October 15, 2010 9:08 AM

A clue then: Pajibans genuflect when uttering it.

Posted by: Kballs at October 15, 2010 9:08 AM
---
"Pookie"?

Posted by: , at October 15, 2010 11:13 AM