For anyone who lives in NYC, I suggest you get there hell out of dodge. There’s gonna be some heavy shit going down tonight, and trust me — you don’t wanna be caught in the aftermath. (The Blemish)
Dane Cook got robbed effing blind by his very own brother. Is it wrong to laugh at the misfortunes of others even if they happen to be super irritating? (WIMB)
Speaking of Dane Cook, it looks like some advertising agencies are following his lead. If you can’t be clever, settle for crass. (Agent Bedhead)
Who else is totally fatigued with the December Oscar grab-ass? (FilmExperience)
Holy mother of God. Kristen Bell just carried out nearly every male (and surely some female) Pajibans’ ejaculatory fantasies. (Popoholic)
This lady got lost on her way to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting and solved the problem by downing two bottles of wine. Eh, that’s more or less how I solve most of life’s problems. (QuizLaw)
Here’s the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve seen all day: Turd Punk Avril Lavigne’s 2009 Calendar. (cityrag)
If you tuned in yesterday, here is FourFour’s 44[plus] reasons to love 2008, part two. (FourFour)
I had no idea that 2008 was such a big year for the hamburger. Also, damn. I’m kinda hungry all of a sudden. (SeriousEats)
Here’s a list of ten people we lost in 2008 who are wort remembering. (mental floss)
It ain’t easy out here for a blog these days. Defamer, of the Gawker empire, is getting unceremoniously kicked out on it’s ass. (Defamer)
Here are the perfect cakes to crap all over your New Years festivities. (CakeWrecks)
I couldn’t find an adequate clip to use for my New Years Pajiba Love, so I put a call out on Facebook for the perfect video and within five minutes got this; compliments of an old high school classmate. Have a great night, and I’ll see you bitches next week!
Bonus clip: Dildo on the news!! Happy New Year!
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 12:34 PM
Maaaaaaaaaaaan, I hate you sooooooooo much
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 12:35 PM
*squeal!!* I love you and your longtime friend for that Bert and Ernie video. The last time I saw it it reminded me of the most awesome New Years party ever. You can just smell the muppet fleece and malt liquor. I totally fucks with both Sesame Street and M.O.P. Awe man, now theres all this pressure to make my NYE as live as that one. Where can I get a flock of wild partyin down ass sheep at the last minute? I know one of you guys knows.
Posted by: ms shai at December 31, 2008 12:38 PM
Craig Ferguson, you wonderful son of a bitch.
Posted by: branded at December 31, 2008 12:41 PM
Hahahhahaha, I almost feel sorry for Dane Cook...almost.
PS: you are a dead man, yeah YOU!
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 12:44 PM
Oh, my God - the Bert/Ernie rap is one of the funniest things I saw in 2008. Genius.
Posted by: samantha t at December 31, 2008 12:46 PM
Slim, I am getting tired of your mouth. I swear, I will bust this whiskey bottle over your goddamn head, then let the zombies eat your guts.
You all saw it right? I was just posting, he came at me.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 12:55 PM
"I'm gonna carve you up like a turkey"
Don't you mean, "pull hair like a little girl?"
Yeah, I know all about you.
Posted by: TK at December 31, 2008 12:57 PM
Pffffffffffft, It's not what you know, it's what you can prove..
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 12:59 PM
....mmmm...wait..
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 1:00 PM
At last. The Gathering...
Posted by: branded at December 31, 2008 1:01 PM
Oh em gee, that video is awesome. Actually, the news one is funny as shit, but I meant the B&E. Awesome. I just completely died laughing at my desk.
The Jonas Bros., eh? Maybe I should get out too... I'm in Jersey, but I feel somehow like it's still too close...
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 31, 2008 1:03 PM
Also, FIIIIIIIIIIIGGHHHTT!!!
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 31, 2008 1:04 PM
Yes, The Gathering indeed, now all we need is Vermillion and we can finally settle this thing once and for all.
A big ol' Pajiba family reunion..let's start with the airing of grievances...
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 1:10 PM
Jesus Christ B'Slim! Your retinas had only just begun adjusting to life in daylight and now you want to end up back in the basement again? Play it cool, man.
Posted by: PaddyDog at December 31, 2008 1:13 PM
Play it cool, man.
Posted by: PaddyDog at December 31, 2008 1:13 PM
------------------------------------------------
NO WAY, not after I what went through, my experience has made me bitter, and deformed. After having written about my struggle in my own feces (and not having them published, FUCK YOU BANTAM!) I'm not letting anyone push me around, anymore, you've all seen the way I'm treated around here. That WILL change, or this place will burn.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 1:21 PM
Bitch, the basement's too good for you. This time, I'm really bringing the lumber.
We'd treat you better if you weren't such worthless scum.
Posted by: TK at December 31, 2008 1:23 PM
i can't stop laughing at the dildo on the news.
Posted by: gem at December 31, 2008 1:23 PM
We'd treat you better if you weren't such worthless scum.
Posted by: TK at December 31, 2008 1:23 PM
-------------------------------------------------
Hahahahaha...dude, see let's leave your mom out of this..k?
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 1:27 PM
Am I the only person who was enthralled with the Kristen Bell post? Do yourself the favour and go look. It left me all warm and fuzzy. And sitting awkwardly at my desk...
Posted by: Xtreme at December 31, 2008 1:29 PM
Mom jokes? Really? I'd say I'm disappointed, but it's typical of your moronic ravings.
The next time you have an idea, I want you to write it down on a piece of paper. And then set it on fire.
Posted by: TK at December 31, 2008 1:32 PM
Ehhh, I can see real porn with women whose eyes look normal any time I want.
I'd say I'm disappointed, but it's typical of your moronic ravings.
The next time you have an idea, I want you to write it down on a piece of paper. And then set it on fire.
Posted by: TK at December 31, 2008 1:32 PM
-------------------------------------------------
That's the level of material you've earned.
And nothing is gonna be set on fire around here, honey. Unless...you wanna come here and do it, HEY...I'm waiting...
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 1:41 PM
Ehhh, I can see real porn with women whose eyes look normal any time I want.
Beady little ferret eyes, according to Cy Tolliver.
Posted by: Julie at December 31, 2008 1:45 PM
Girls, girls, you're both pretty.
Posted by: Snath at December 31, 2008 1:46 PM
That's no dildo... that's a space station.
Posted by: firedmyass at December 31, 2008 1:52 PM
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Oh COME ON! I already have my viscera wading boots on.
Will someone invoke the CLoverfield monster in Times Square tonight? Is that too much to ask?
Besides, it'd start 2009 off right.
Posted by: Melody at December 31, 2008 2:01 PM
Snath-heeeee!
Posted by: Julie at December 31, 2008 2:32 PM
now all we need is Vermillion and we can finally settle this thing once and for all.
Sorry, I am sitting this one out. I am busy working on my New Years' Resolutions. And having a life.
Yeah, I am shocked too.
Still really quickly: I want to be Craig Fergeson when I grow up. Except without the alcoholism and divorces. Unless those are necessary.
Ehhh, I can see real porn with women whose eyes look normal any time I want.
Why does it have to be either/or? Can't there be both? Jeez, you people are always so quick to be exclusionary.
Posted by: Vermillion at December 31, 2008 2:49 PM
Before I sit back and enjoy the TK/Slim smackdown (someone get a cage and some metal folding chairs--STAT), I have to say:
Dane Cook got robbed effing blind by his very own brother. That's about as far as I got before I fell off the couch laughing.
And this: At last. The Gathering...branded, I give you a long, slow clap for the HL ref. Swords and magic pockets all the way. I nearly fell off the couch all over again!
OK, now where's the popcorn and beer?
Posted by: lizzieborden at December 31, 2008 2:56 PM
Thank fucking god I have real new year's plans for once, because resorting to standing in the fucking snow in Times Square with a bunch of tourists is bad enough, but I have managed to avoid knowing the Jonas's names and hearing their music, and being suckered into seeing them perform live would kill me dead and I'd never get to see 2009, or 2108, when the Slinky revolution will be in full-swing.
Posted by: Sabrina at December 31, 2008 2:58 PM
magic pockets
*giggles*
Posted by: jM at December 31, 2008 3:02 PM
I'm outta here. Happy New Year, everyone. When you return in 2009, the masthead shall be a photo of BarbadoSlim's severed, disfigured head on a pike.
As a warning to the rest of his ilk.
Peace out!
Posted by: TK at December 31, 2008 3:17 PM
Oh, there's real porn with weird eyes too. The adult entertainment industry is not absent butterfaces at all. And I am exclusionary in those respects. Cute face can offset Ridiculous Ugly Plastic Spheres. Non-Ridiculous body can help Her Face Isn't Her Best Feature. Either way, I don't need Kristen, but I will fight to the death defending your right to see her do a real snowball. That's the kind of patriot I am.
Sabrina, I realize that you fear being awakened in the future without a Slinky to your name so I thought you'd like to know that you can make your very own Slinky. That's right, anytime you like and in the privacy of your own home! All you need is some soft wire and a dowel. In fact, the dildo in the news clip would make a great dowel and it seems to have a nice flexibility to it. If you have something like that at home (and I don't know you well enough to suggest that you do) you could be the first to possess a dildo Slinky. It would be an advantage in the coming Slinky revolution.
Posted by: Iwantsprinkles at December 31, 2008 3:48 PM
A big ol' Pajiba family reunion..let's start with the airing of grievances...
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 31, 2008 1:10 PM
Is it time to celebrate Festivus? Where's the pole?
Posted by: greer at December 31, 2008 3:58 PM
It would be an advantage in the coming Slinky revolution.
I SEE WAT U DID THAR!
Posted by: Snath at December 31, 2008 4:01 PM
Jay, you are true patriot. What's a snowball?
Posted by: jM at December 31, 2008 4:05 PM
Snath, oh good. I got the impression that subtlety is not a priority in the comments section so I thought the italics would help.
Posted by: Iwantsprinkles at December 31, 2008 4:11 PM
What's a snowball?
"Gross." The answer is "gross."
Posted by: firedmyass at December 31, 2008 4:18 PM
Please tell me you are being facetious jM. I beg you!
Posted by: Snath at December 31, 2008 4:20 PM
I am not, Snath. And I'm not even going to go look it up. I want someone here to explain it... colorfully.
Posted by: jM at December 31, 2008 4:26 PM
I've never looked it up before, all knowledge I possess was handed to me by retarded friends.
From what I understand, after a person has finished PLEASURING A MAN ORALLY, he/she keeps the SEMEN IN HIS/HER MOUTH, then passes it back to the (hopefully) willing partner. Or someone else, who was perhaps taking part or watching. Or maybe two other people, if ya NASTY. The longer it's passed back and forth, the more saliva gets added, so combined with the obvious color similarity, it grows like a snowball.
Posted by: Snath at December 31, 2008 4:33 PM
What, is that so old it's now obscure? Yikes.
Do the kids still say "creampie"? I'm really not hip.
Everytime I kiss you I'm gonna taste 36 other guys. Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot!
Posted by: branded at December 31, 2008 4:40 PM
Oh come on, this can't possibly be that obscure, it was in Clerks.
Try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot.
Posted by: stipe42 at December 31, 2008 4:41 PM
Except without the alcoholism and divorces. Unless those are necessary.
You have to ask?
jM, are you going to SXSW/Pajibacon? Because maybe Julie can work with you to give a demonstration.
Okay: Imagine if Kristen Bell were joined by Megan Fox on the stage. Craig is VERY excited to have two hot young starlets on the show. He gets so excited he squirts pastry filling into Kristen's mouth -- maybe he gets some on her chin, maybe not, I'm trying to concentrate here, woman! Then Kristen and Megan also get excited and start kissing, open-mouthed tongue kissing. And Kristen wants to share Craig's love, so she passes the pastry filling [ahem] to Megan by open mouth kiss.
Et voila: a snowball.
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 4:44 PM
C'mon People. It's in Clerks! Not Obsolete! Scott Mosier was Snowball! Holy crap. Clerks was made in '95. Maybe it is old news. I can not be old enough to lecture you people. Well maybe a little ...*hikes up pants* Get Offa My Lawn! ((Hey! I'll have a lawn next year! And vagrants to yell at! Sweet))
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 31, 2008 4:45 PM
Leave it to Mr. Boynton to drop in with the most colorful way to describe a snowball. Bravo, sir, bravo.
Posted by: Snath at December 31, 2008 4:45 PM
Haha, really? That's it? Just goes to show that world is still not as dirty as the thoughts in my head.
Posted by: jM at December 31, 2008 4:46 PM
Oh yeah, it does grow in the passing, so yeah, the snowball.
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 4:47 PM
Also: When I see "Pajibacon" ...
in my mind I hear "PAH-jee BAY-kun."
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 4:50 PM
I'm telling y'all right now, the next big fetish is going to be snot porn.
Posted by: stipe42 at December 31, 2008 4:51 PM
Huh, I never heard of snowballing either. Makes the phrase 'getting a taste of your own medicine' strangely literal.
Posted by: jenintx at December 31, 2008 4:51 PM
Wait, that isn't the round Hostess cupcake? No wonder I'm no longer allowed in that store.
Posted by: MrCreosote at December 31, 2008 4:53 PM
What's German for "snot"? I'd bet you they're ahead of the curve yet again.
"PAH-jee BAY-kun."
And every single time I read it, I have to stop and wonder "what was being discussed about bacon again?...........................................Oh....right".
Posted by: b00g3r b00g13 at December 31, 2008 4:54 PM
When Craig spilled the goods on Kristen's lips, she very quickly realized the image being projected to millions of viewers -- TV-savvy, that one -- turned away from the camera, and started laughing. Methinks Ms. Bell has whiled away a few hours swabbing the unicorn.
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at December 31, 2008 4:57 PM
Ted, you've won the first round of Let's Explain Porn Terms to jM. I'll have Julie pass on your winnings at SXSW.
Posted by: jM at December 31, 2008 4:58 PM
dane should call our buddy gary for advice.
now that he can attribute all choices to familial robbery, he can: change his name to andy shane, hang out with a mute, gay, black cowboy, carry a loaded gun, punch a woman while shopping for a bullet proof vest, run for governor of california, marry a redhead who has got the down's and divorce her on tv, run a guy over with his truck. oh yeah, and make some movie where he shines shoes in a bus station, predicts horse races and lives in a storage locker.
Posted by: celery at December 31, 2008 4:59 PM
Sprinkles, thanks for the advice. I do not have one of those instruments, but my roommate's never used hers. I think it's the rabbit, though, which would make an unusually shaped Slinky.
Also, for anyone interested in learning more words, a SNOWJOB is when I do a line off of a hard dick and then blow it. I mean when SOMEONE does a line. Not me.
Posted by: Sabrina at December 31, 2008 5:03 PM
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?
Posted by: Snath at December 31, 2008 5:04 PM
I'll have Julie pass on your winnings at SXSW.
Minx vs. Vixen ... WHO YA GOT!?
So, jM, ever heard of a Punxatawney enchilada? The Fresno salad spinner? The Anchorage oboe? Oh, yes, slap that oboe, you little tramp!
Mmmmm, sorry. As you were.
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 5:07 PM
The Fresno salad spinner?
Be warned that this is not the same as The Tuscaloosa salad shooter. Completely different maneuver. Confusion over which caused me to lose the third and fourth fingers on one hand.
Posted by: branded at December 31, 2008 5:12 PM
I'm fond of the Boston pancake.
Posted by: Sabrina at December 31, 2008 5:13 PM
Beat me to it, Stipe.
Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at December 31, 2008 5:15 PM
not the same as The Tuscaloosa salad shooter
These mishaps are all too common, and generally preventable. It's amazing how many people master the Anchorage oboe, then assume that mere penile enlargement surgery will qualify them for the Bangladeshi bassoon. There's so much more to it than that.
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 5:17 PM
These mishaps are all too common, and generally preventable. It's amazing how many people master the Anchorage oboe, then assume that mere penile enlargement surgery will qualify them for the Bangladeshi bassoon. There's so much more to it than that.
Take heed. I wish I had someone like tb to advise me during my early 20's. To think that I actually attempted the Tangier trombone. The horror...the horror.
Posted by: branded at December 31, 2008 5:25 PM
Mmmmm. I LOVE salads!
Posted by: jM at December 31, 2008 5:25 PM
Ah the Anchorage oboe and the Bangladeshi bassoon, that takes me back to innocent days before I appreciated the finer arts of lovemaking, before the maturation of the act from a partnership into a true team sport. Even the Vancouver violin and Egyptian accordion fade to distant memory after one has experienced the masterful apex of the Global Symphony of Nations. It requires two hundred very flexible volunteers, three goats, fourteen types of nacho cheese, a can of tuna, the skull of a dodo bird, the mummified corpse of Charlemagne, 47 uninterrupted hours and a single strand of natural red hair plucked from a virgin.
The act has only successfully been completed six times in history, and only twice without fatalities.
Posted by: stipe42 at December 31, 2008 5:30 PM
Don't forget the Jacksonville Joystick -- you stick cough-drops up your butt and play video games.
Posted by: firedmyass at December 31, 2008 5:31 PM
Don't forget the Jacksonville Joystick -- you stick cough-drops up your butt and play video games.
[shudder] Vulgarian.
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 5:37 PM
[shudder] Vulgarian.
Don't be racist. Vulgaria is a proud nation with a long and glorious history. PENIS FART! [cough] excuse me.
Posted by: stipe42 at December 31, 2008 5:42 PM
Everytime I think that I may have done something a little too vulgar, I come here and you magnificent bastards give me new depths of depravity to plumb.
Unfortunately I will be out of action for some time as, last night, I was forced to apply the Canadian Crippler for three straight hours. Not good for the carpal tunnel.
Posted by: admin at December 31, 2008 5:50 PM
"Vulgarian"
Well lah-dee-fuckin-da, Miss Astor. It has been just dreadful around here since the Sibley Hole Junior League stopped givin' out them free Fancy Lessons last year.
Posted by: firedmyass at December 31, 2008 5:52 PM
Well lah-dee-fuckin-da, Miss Astor
Hee hee hee. [chortle]
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 6:24 PM
Don't be racist. Vulgaria is a proud nation with a long and glorious history. PENIS FART! [cough] excuse me.
I'm confused. Are Vulgarians a new race and/or a nation? If Vulgarians are a race than can't you just call them by their commonly accepted name - Pajibans? If it's a nation then ted boynton would be xenophobic not racist.
Posted by: Iwantsprinkles at December 31, 2008 6:52 PM
YOU are the Vulgarian, you FUCK!
Posted by: TK at December 31, 2008 7:01 PM
TK, are you venting spleen in a general direction or are you referring to me? If so, yippie, because I do indeed FUCK. Always in ALLCAPS and with an exclamation point. And I do it in a spectacularly Vulgar way. So, yup, TK you're right I'm one vulgar fucker.
Posted by: Iwantsprinkles at December 31, 2008 7:20 PM
then ted boynton would be xenophobic not racist
Turns out I'm both. I was out on the back porch just now, throwing out the empty absinthe bottle, and this guy crashed through the bushes, and I was all like, "WTF?" and he was all like, I'm not here I'm from Mars." And I hated that motherfucker for that. So I said, "I hate you, watermelon, fried chicken motherfucker!" And he was like, "What, dude, I'm Korean."
So he was a fucking liar. From Mars. Fucking spic asshole.
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 7:21 PM
Sigh.
Has no one seen A Fish Called Wanda?
Posted by: TK at December 31, 2008 7:22 PM
ASS-HOOOOOOLLLLLLLLE!
TK, you move me. TK, I think ... I think I love you.
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 7:26 PM
Sigh.
Has no one seen A Fish Called Wanda?
TK Oh shit. My parents always told me to think before I acted. I should have paid more attention but I'm bored and I want to go home and start the New Year party and I just started typing. I'll see your "sigh" and raise you another "sigh".
*sigh*.
ted boynton, that probably shouldn't be as endearing as it was.
Posted by: Iwantsprinkles at December 31, 2008 7:44 PM
I'm sorry, what?! Somebody has a rabbit and has never used it?!?!?!?
Tell you what, Sabrina, I'ma send you my address and you can just mail that li'l bunny right to me. I'll see to it that it serves its proper purpose.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 31, 2008 7:49 PM
ted boynton, that probably shouldn't be as endearing as it was.
Just don't call me stupid.
Oh no! It's K-K-K-K-K Ken! C-C-C-Coming to kill me!
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 7:51 PM
I'ma send you my address and you can just mail that li'l bunny right to me.
Anna you minx; how's about you send me a self-addressed refrigerator box and a LOT of stamps? You won't need that rabbit.
Could you pack some gin in that box, BTW?
And yes: It should have been "k-k-k-kill me."
Posted by: ted boynton at December 31, 2008 7:54 PM
Mmmmm. I LOVE salads! Posted by: jM at December 31, 2008 5:25 PM
Have I mentioned lately that jM is my favoritest person ever? Though right now, admin, tb, TK, ...sprinkles and fired are way up there.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 31, 2008 7:58 PM
Well, now, Mr. Boynton, the PO is closed currently, but you betcher ass I'll be there first thing in the a.m., followed closely by the liquor store. What gin do you prefer, my fine furry friend?
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 31, 2008 8:14 PM
I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him, he's mine.
Posted by: branded at December 31, 2008 8:27 PM
KEN!!
SOMEBODY JUST CALLED!!
Posted by: TK at January 1, 2009 9:23 AM
You have wonderful bone structure, and... you dress really interestingly.
Posted by: TK at January 1, 2009 9:24 AM
What gin do you prefer, my fine furry friend?
Boodles. Oodles and oodles of Boodles.
Posted by: ted boynton at January 1, 2009 10:03 AM
I want to thank you for a wonderful night last night, ted. I spent my New Year's Eve with family, friends, a six-pack of Harp, and a bottle of Bushmills. Delicious.
Posted by: Snath at January 1, 2009 6:03 PM
So to get back to the Rumble in the Pajumble ... TK seems to be the only one standing. Slim? Slim? Anyone seen Slim?
Posted by: bucdaddy at January 1, 2009 9:16 PM
Don't confuse Vulgarians with Vulgans.
"Live long and prosper, shit-cock!"
Then there are the Vulvatarians, who I can't remember if they are a religious group, or are simply named for what they can or can't eat.
Posted by: Darth Bane at January 1, 2009 10:44 PM
Wha' happened to Calvin Pissin' on Time-Warner?
What fucktard needs to die from sudden lack of throat by my anger-clawed hand for censoring that shit? (I'm assuming it was removed due to outside pressure, i.e., The Claw is seeking non-Pajiban blood...)
"This lady got lost on her way to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting and solved the problem by downing two bottles of wine."
For Stacey, this is known as "Tuesday."