Pajiba Love 12/23/09

He-Man Claus?

By Stacey Nosek | Posted Under Pajiba Love | Comments (36)

Christmas is a time for television networks to trot out their most cloying, ill-conceived holiday-themed specials. Here are the worst of the worst. (Topless Robot)

For a non-holiday holiday movie guide, here are six non-holiday films that just happen to be set during Christmas. (PW)

“Paris Hilton is dumb” jokes are about as easy as “Yo Momma So Fat” jokes, but no really — Paris Hilton is so dumb she believed in Santa Claus until she was like 16. (Litelysated)

Roger Ebert put together his top ten films of 2009 list, but because he’s complicated he actually made it two lists, the top ten mainstream and the top ten indie films. (Chicago Sun Times)

Here’s a handful of films that prove once and for all that Alec Baldwin is God. Pretty impressive, considering “30 Rock” isn’t even eligible. (Cinematical)

I guess it’s a little late for catalog holiday shopping, but here’s some gift ideas compliments of the Harriet Carter catalog. (IBBB)

And here’s a gift guide for the ridiculously pampered pooch on your list. Oh, kidding. No one is going to buy this shit for their dog. (mental floss)

A lot of celebrities died this year. (Knock on wood, since the year has another week left in it.) At any rate, here’s a fitting tribute to all the celebrities who died by bringing them back as zombies for one last hurrah. (Holy Taco)

Our own TK already complied a “Best Horror Films of the Aughts” list, but here is one just for 2009. I’m pleased to see the Jensalicious My Bloody Valentine 3D made the cut. (Bloody Disgusting)

Apparently the big naming trend for babies born in 2009 was to name them after stupid celebrities or even stupider pop culture references. Well at least my niece might be the only “Penelope” her age, then. (Agent Bedhead)

So I guess Jena Malone did a nude scene in The Messenger, and well, I guess this is my early Christmas gift to all you pre-verts out there. (Film Drunk)

I gave up on “Big Love” somewhere in like the second or third season, because frankly I thought the show was more interesting when they focused on the dynamic of a polygamist family. I mean, they’re polygamists, what more do you need? Anyway, I don’t know, I guess the trailer for the fourth season looks OK. (Warming Glow)

Gwyneth Paltrow probably broke the law by GOOP’ing about her almost definitely 100% compensated lavish trip to Marrakesh under the new FTC blogger guidelines. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. *ahem* Ha ha. (Celebitchy)

Here’s a literal music video translation of Hall & Oates “Jingle Bell Rock.” Oh but wait. The Shyamalan Twist is that after you hear the song from Hall’s perspective, you get to hear Oates.

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.

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Comments

Thanks for the non-holiday movies set during Christmas time. i watched Lion in Winter yesterday. Excellent. Now I'll track down the rest.

Posted by: barf at December 23, 2009 1:04 PM

"Roger Ebert put together his top ten films of 2009 list, but because he’s complicated he actually made it two lists, the top ten mainstream and the top ten indie films."

As Pajiba has proved, two lists are not enough. Where the hell is the best documentaries list of the aughts? I'm still waiting

Posted by: Fish at December 23, 2009 1:06 PM

The shirt in the gift guide is cute, and kids will wear anything you give them if they're young enough.

The toys are horrible though I'm not sure why the writer is yapping on about the doll being flat chested. It's a GIRL DOLL. Girls are flat chested. What's happened to being a child? Can't you develop breasts when you grow up? I don't understand the point of girls under 10 years old who wear bikinis either.

Posted by: BonBon at December 23, 2009 1:11 PM

I love Roger Ebert.

Posted by: Mebe at December 23, 2009 1:11 PM

The zombie touch for dead celebrities is cute (though I'm sure people will be angry. at celebrities left out)

About Michael Jackson. They could've just stuck any random picture of him. He already looked like a zombie.

Posted by: Lola at December 23, 2009 1:14 PM

Yay to another horror list. Here i come Netflix. Nah, i won't bitch about what's left out. Going through horror movies to compile a list must be painful when you remember that you endured stuff like Friday the 13th (the remake or sequel or whatever it was)

Posted by: hailandkill at December 23, 2009 1:17 PM

Oh, kidding. No one is going to buy this shit for their dog.

You'd be amazed what people will buy for their dogs. Why do you think they sell that shit? Someone, somewhere, WILL buy it. I used to work at a pet supply place, and do you know what we sold? Sealy Posturepedic beds. FOR DOGS. True Story.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at December 23, 2009 1:18 PM

The Feds need to swoop down on Paltrow's compound and confiscate all her crap, beat her ass and shoot her for resisting.

SHE BROKE THE LAW!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 23, 2009 1:21 PM

Being named after someone is nothing new. I mean aren't Joseph, Mary, Luke and John familiar in some fairytale book? The problem is that parents choose stupid celebrities not that they name them after celebrities. I weep for the babies born after girls got pregnant doing it with some sensitive kid who happened to be watching Twilight with them. They'll end up with a name like Bella.

Posted by: monty at December 23, 2009 1:23 PM

Jena Malone is not that hot. Way too skinny. I wanted the dog in that pcture to bite her right breast. That would've made the pic a bit more interesting. The nude scene ain't too bad though

Posted by: OOOO at December 23, 2009 1:27 PM

Polygamy is only fair if polyandry is allowed too. Interestingly, although there have been many polygamous societies throughout history there have been few polyandrous ones.

Though why anyone would want to deal with more than one spouse is anyone's guess. One is more than enough. And Big Love is looking more boring than ever.

Posted by: mommyballs at December 23, 2009 1:33 PM

I live on Staten Island (cause it's cheap). Half the Italians in their 20's already named their girls Bella. It's finally a departure from Marie and Angela.

Posted by: scorzi at December 23, 2009 1:37 PM

Jingle Bell Rock is bad (any version) and you just made me listen to it twice. Fuck you Pajiba.

Posted by: tinker at December 23, 2009 1:39 PM

At least the Italians have the excuse of Bella being an Italian word scorzi. In fact I knew of the name being used before Twilight became popular. No doubt everyone will be doing it now.

Posted by: barf at December 23, 2009 1:43 PM

Paris Hilton is dumb jokes are about as easy as “Yo Momma So Fat” jokes, but no really — Paris Hilton is so dumb she believed in Santa Claus until she was like 16.

That is so earth shatteringly pathetic, writing a punchline for it would be like having a contingency plan when you find out that Earth has only 3 days before it's absorbed by a black hole.

Posted by: George at December 23, 2009 1:44 PM

I totally agree with you B.Slim about Ms.Paltrow. even if there's no evidence she broke the law, she should be framed. Besides, can't she be put indefinitely in jail on terrorism charges or something. It's a pity Obama plans on closing down Guantanamo.

Posted by: milwaukee at December 23, 2009 1:47 PM

Gremlins is a pretty awesome non-holiday holiday movie. While it does take place during the Christmas season, most of the action invovles destroying the town and killings gremlins. I realized this week that the only holiday movie I own is Elf. So, I have been watching movies where the action is set during Christmas or television show Christmas episodes.

Posted by: Peanut_Butter_And_James at December 23, 2009 1:48 PM

I don't know what's more surprising: the fact that Paris Hilton believed in Santa until she was sixteen or the fact that I'm not even surprised that she believed in Santa until she was sixteen?

The mind boggles.

Posted by: Kinder at December 23, 2009 1:51 PM

I'm not sure I should admit to knowing this, but maybe it's just that it was as jarring as it was supposed to be... wasn't Malone already naked in that stupid movie My Life as a House?

Posted by: Eep at December 23, 2009 1:51 PM

Who the hell is Jena Malone?

Is she in porn?

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 23, 2009 1:53 PM

No food reviews today? Damn!

I'd rather eat some unhealthy but great tasting chocolate bar which tastes a bit like bacon instead of eating that Malone girl. Ok, maybe not.

Posted by: Swiss Farm at December 23, 2009 1:56 PM

Some poor bastard on the web actually did a review of the Star Wars Christmas Special.

It's hard to believe how many pieces of Star Wars merchandise make the prequels look like stunning masterworks of fine acting, and ingenious scriptwriting.

Posted by: George at December 23, 2009 1:56 PM

Roger Ebert has bigger balls than Pajiba. He didn't just dismiss foreign films because they are less seen or some shit.

Everlasting Moments was a brilliant film.

Posted by: Wilder at December 23, 2009 2:01 PM

I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate Jena Malone. There's soemthing so smug about her.
Fuck her nude scene, indie slut

Posted by: Nadine at December 23, 2009 2:54 PM

Die Hard gets all the love for action movies set over Christmas

Is that supposed to be some kind of fucking excuse for why it's not on the list?

Shitheads.

Posted by: Jay at December 23, 2009 3:20 PM

Okay, I just read this on the baby-naming link:

various spellings of Marley, after the romantic comedy film starring Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston,

Umm, they know Marley's the dog, right? And that ***SPOILER*** the dog DIES?! So they're naming their kids after a DEAD FICTIONAL DOG?!

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at December 23, 2009 3:52 PM

HA, Anna, word.

I mean.
Jesus.
Marley.
It's not even like it's a cool dog. It's a stupid badly behaved labrador.
Labradors are the lamest dogs.

Posted by: Nadine at December 23, 2009 4:15 PM

I don't like her either, Nadine. There is definitely something smug about Jena Malone, and it shows in everything she does. She just comes across as a brat. When her character got killed off in Cold Mountain, I didn't feel bad about it.

Posted by: Brie at December 23, 2009 4:17 PM

Whatthefuckever on the 16 Worst Christmas Specials of All Time List. That Doctor Who special was entertaining and not terrible at all. Want proof? David Tennant wore a tuxedo with the tie undone. I rest my case.

Posted by: stardust at December 23, 2009 4:18 PM

Also, I had no idea Brittany Murphy died. That's what I get for not visiting this site regularly over the past few days. I miss important shit.

Posted by: stardust at December 23, 2009 4:18 PM

Brie, yes, exactly! It's like she knows she's considered (by SOME) this little Indie darling and she revels in it despite the fact that aside from Saved, which frankly was 'saved' by the Sarandon daughter and Mandy Moore, I've never liked her in anything.
What gets me is even shit that 'she' doesnt do pisses me off. Like in Donnie Darko when the bullies give her shit and as they walk away she flips the bird to their receding backs to show Donnie she's tough.
I just wanted to fucking smack her

Posted by: Nadine at December 23, 2009 4:23 PM

setting the stage for the show's disappointing fourth season.

That's all you need to read to know that these Topless Robot people don't know shit about shit. Shame on this Rob Bricken for recycling said nonsense too.

Posted by: Jay at December 23, 2009 5:19 PM

I love Roger Ebert, but my boy put motherfucking Knowing on his best of '09. Unironically. This shall not pass.

Posted by: welldressed at December 23, 2009 5:24 PM

welldressed, I saw that as well (Knowing on Roger Ebert's list) and went, um, what? No, really, WHAT? You're kidding, right? ....

OK, and just to really destroy my credibility, I actually SAW Knowing, so I know whereof I speak.

Posted by: MM at December 23, 2009 7:13 PM

My 1 1/2 year old niece is named Penelope. Yes, her parents are a wee bit douchey. It's my brother. I can say that.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 24, 2009 4:35 AM

I can't believe that Matthew Lillard's agent got him the gig as the guitar playing Granny in this piece of poop Hall & Oates video. I mean, who do you have to beat out for that? Does the open casting roll call consist of Pauly Shore, "the Situation", and the guy who played the building jumper in Leathal Weapon?

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at December 24, 2009 10:23 AM

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He-Man Claus?

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