The Kevin Smith buddy cop movie starring Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis, formerly known as A Couple of Dicks, has a shiny new PG title that sounds like it could literally be a Troy McClure movie. (Film Drunk)
Huh. Never saw this coming: Courtney Love has lost her parental rights to Francis Bean Cobain. Again. Hasn’t she like filled up a punchcard yet so next time she gets to lose her parental rights for free or some crap? (Agent Bedhead)
“The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty” premiered last night to no or zero fanfare. Seriously, even our own Intern Rusty didn’t mentioned it in yesterday’s Pajiba After Dark, and you know that’s saying something. (FourFour)
You may have heard the new “it” word for low-quality, cloyingly hipsterey indie flicks, “mumblecore,” but for some reason the hipsters who make these films aren’t taking to the term. (Cinematical)
Jeremy put together a “most underrated albums” of the aughts post, and I couldn’t agree more: I thought “Challengers” was a really good album too. (Notes on Bar Napkins)
Here are the Top Ten Reasons Why the Economy Sucks. In related news, can anyone in the Greater Philadelphia region hook me up with a job? Ha ha. No, I’m actually dead serious. (Thundersquee!)
I can’t make heads nor tails out of the whole Tiger Woods’ mistress scandal, so we might as well let “Oregon Trail” settle the score, for what it’s worth. (IBBB)
Meanwhile, Us Weekly took it upon themselves to hire a handwriting expert to help figure out why Tiger Woods is such a whoremongering Blasian. (Litelysalted)
And finally, here is the Tiger Woods Mistress Name Generator. Mine is “Destiny Trouble.” (UnlikelyWords)
Here are the ten most notable Alien rip-offs. On the plus side, I’ve never heard of any of these save for Pitch Black. Remember back when Vin Diesel used to be cool? (Topless Robot)
Chris Brown’s team of handlers made a very strategic decision to make him delete his twitter account after him railing off on the music industry yesterday. (Celebitchy)
Hooray! Great news, Washington D.C. is planning to pass their same-sex marriage bill today. (Zelda Lily)
“Dexter’s” season finale (which was semi-spoilered for me which is what I was actually complaining about in yesterday’s column) broke records for Showtime. In related news, I finally watched it last night and HOLY FUCKING SHIT. (Warming Glow)
Here’s a list of the best musical documentaries of the decade. Yay! I’m so glad The Devil and Daniel Johnston made the cut. (The Playlist)
Ew. The NYC Department of Health has issued a stomach-churning PSA against drinking your daily can of soda pop. If I had watched this hungover I probably would have slapped them with the bill for having to clean the puke out of my keyboard. (DListed)
This outstanding Portishead music video hauntingly recreates the murder of Sophie Lancaster, who was beaten to death because she was a Goth. Thanks, Nadine! (YouTube)
Brian Cox, actor of such films as a bazillion different films, takes on his greatest challenge yet: Teaching a toddler “Shakespeare.”
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
My Tiger Woods mistress name is Candy McMahon and I'm apparently a 23 year old receptionist. Rowr.
Posted by: Jadine at December 15, 2009 1:15 PM
And I fucking love Portishead. Glory Box is one of my all time favourite songs.
Posted by: Jadine at December 15, 2009 1:19 PM
Great video of Brian Cox and the little kid doing Shakespeare. Made me want to pick him up and hug him. The little kid was cute too.
Posted by: EricD at December 15, 2009 1:21 PM
OK, I'm probably finding this way more amusing than it actually is, but check this out.
It is true -- on the internet, no one knows if you're a cat.
Posted by: Drake at December 15, 2009 1:24 PM
You got me giggling Drake.
Posted by: ashes at December 15, 2009 1:27 PM
And, I didn't go to the generator, but my Tiger Woods Mistress name would probably be Roger D. McSorebutt, from what I'm hearing about his endowment and abilities.
Posted by: Drake at December 15, 2009 1:28 PM
Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such films as Radioactive Man II: Bring On The Sequel, and Here Comes the Coast Guard! But I'm here to talk to you about my upcoming film, Cop Out. Many of you may be wondering why we changed the original name. Well, I'm here to tell you that it simply didn't jive with the executives. You couldn't have the star of Who Dat Ninja? and A Blaffair To Remem-Black in a movie with the word Dicks in the title, could you?
The answer is no!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to fade back into obscurity. But first, a trip to the aquarium! Goodbye, folks!
Posted by: Troy McClure at December 15, 2009 1:33 PM
Who would want to fuck Tiger Woods anyway? The only slightly masculine thing about him is his name.
Posted by: Cindy at December 15, 2009 1:34 PM
Wait...
Posted by: Cindy at December 15, 2009 1:35 PM
Is that his porn name?
Posted by: Cindy at December 15, 2009 1:35 PM
My Tiger Woods mistress name is Tiff Chin from Mobile, AL. I am a 28 year old waitress and I work for tips.
TB: Hey, TK, can you get me two chinchillas and a Pepsi?
DR: ?
TK: He thinks I'm Mexican.
DR: You're not Mexican?
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at December 15, 2009 1:49 PM
My TWMN is Janey Jones, a 20-year old receptionist from Jacksonville, F-L-A. Thought I was James Dean for a day...
Posted by: bleujayone at December 15, 2009 1:52 PM
Ha! My Tiger Woods mistress name is Brandy Little. Apparently I am a 23-year-old blogger from Revere, MA. The press found out about me when I bragged to my friends about the size of Tiger's putter.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 15, 2009 2:15 PM
that portishead video just broke my fucking heart.
how does ben stiller get away with naming his 'fuckers' franchise, but smith can't use 'a couple of dicks'? makes me all 'murdertanky'.
Posted by: gem at December 15, 2009 2:22 PM
I know Snath. I know. I am patiently waiting for the Dexter recap on Thursday to share thought. That was amazing TV, one of the best episodes of any show I've ever seen.
And how cute is that little kid? It makes me want to have like 15 more. I wonder what the Duggars daughters are up to? 'Cause you pretty much know they're down with 15 more...
Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at December 15, 2009 2:24 PM
My mistress name was Mercedes Little.
Maybe I'm your sister, Stardust?
Is there something I should know about your/mine/our parents?
Posted by: Beckster "Tri-Tip Goddess" at December 15, 2009 2:28 PM
"Leviathan" was pretty good! I never did see "Deepstar Six". It was just called "Deep Six", then Fangoria reported adding the "star" and my friend and I rolled our eyes at this hacky marketing.
"Challengers" was the first NP album I bought and really got into. I'd been beaten over the head by other people with their previous ones, so I liked the idea of "this one's different".
I want to watch Brian Cox teach a toddler Shakespeare. BUT THE SOAPS ARE ON AND MOTHER DEMANDS SILENCE.
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 2:50 PM
Woah nadine got a link to Pajiba love. Consider my mind blown.
On another note Sophie Lancaster did not deserve to die and it still makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it. As the older slightly crazy, totally over protective older sister of an indie hipster, a goth hipster and a mentalist I cannot remember a day when I havent worried about them going out with their friends and being attacked for being themselves. I have had minor panic attacks when they havent answered the phone and even argued with them about hanging out in places they consider cool and others might consider a battle ground. The fear of a loved one being hurt because of how they choose to dress is unbelievingly crippling. (deep breath)So Nadine for all those times Iv mocked an outfit or tried to talk you out of going to Quiggins it wasnt done to hurt you or be a bitch but was a misguided attempt to protect my little siblings.
God help any fucker who dares look funny at my sibs.
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 15, 2009 2:54 PM
Dont worry Nieve, I know it yo.
And totes, Nieve will go John Maclane on all of their asses.
Also, I better be the Goth one.
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 2:59 PM
My,Tiger Woods mistress name is Janey O'Brian apparently I'm from Hollywood, CA. I'm a 20 year old local celebrity. You know I'm telling the truth because I have Tiger's cell number.
So suck it bitches, step-off *I* am the superior whore.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 15, 2009 3:01 PM
Yippie Kay Ay Motherfuckers!
No dude you were the mentalist....
I am Brooklyn Little 44 year old waitress from TX. I have tapes to prove it.
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
Also is anyone else surpised at all the poon Tiger got? I mean I always thought he looked sort of 'special' I was really happy when he got married because he's so damn ugly I thought he'd be alone forever.
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 15, 2009 3:06 PM
Two things I adore: Brian Cox and little kids with british accents. They are both so adorable I want to take them both home.
I frankly cant believe the motherfucker got through so much pussy.
I mean really, SO MUCH POONANI.
Like.
Is he a sex addict?
Who wants to make a cash bet that's the next big twist?
Tiger admits he's addicted to poking his Tiger Tail in skank holes and that's why he made such a grievous error. IT'S NOT HIM
ITS HIS DISEASE
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 3:14 PM
RIP Sophie. Thanks for posting that beautiful link.
Posted by: tf breakher at December 15, 2009 3:20 PM
Is that really Jay cracking himself up there?
Bifuckingzarre.
Posted by: Cindy at December 15, 2009 3:25 PM
Shit. Tiger is a rich, world-famous athlete. His biggest mistake was getting married. He should have spent his 20s perfecting his game and giving the stink-finger to every girl (along with occasional trannie and maybe a dude or two, because, hey, why the fuck not?) he came across. Then he should have spent his 30s perfecting his game and giving the stink-finger to maybe every third girl he came across (to reflect his new-found maturity). Then, to avoid an ugly paternity suit, he should have gotten married in his 40s to a woman who knew better than to expect fidelity. Eldrick didn't keep his pimp hand strong and he got caught slipping.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 15, 2009 3:26 PM
Actually Nadine they already said that he's a sex addict.
Just for once I want a celebrity to come out and say the honest truth:
"Hi everyone. I called this press conference today to come clean about my indiscretions and set the record straight.
I, Tiger Woods, am a man, and I like fuckin'. Like, a lot. I think about it something like every fifteen seconds. Big asses, small asses, big tits and small tits, curvy or slender. I like them ladies, and I like to fuck.
Also is anyone else surpised at all the poon Tiger got?
------------------------------------------------
Not at all, NTQ. The guy is mega rich. I don't want to generalize all women, but their are a large number of the fairer gender that will do just about anything for the dollar. Rich guys getting trim is an age old story. Henry the VIII was an ugly, fat slob and that motherfucker tore through gash like a...well...like a Tiger. Of course, he had power too. But could he hit a 9 iron 145 yards and play a draw into a 25 MPH headwind?
Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at December 15, 2009 3:28 PM
Show of hands fellas, how many of you read Nieve's rant and got a little turned on? Be honest. Nobody? Y'all some lyin' motherfuckers.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 15, 2009 3:30 PM
I'm convinced that Courtney Love has Borderline Personality Disorder.
Posted by: Danielle Lilly at December 15, 2009 3:30 PM
Damn it, they already did?
Fair play then, if the mans addicted to vaginas then he's addicted to vaginas.
He likes vaginas, his biggest mistake was tying himself to one vagina rather than wading balls deep through every vagina he could get all up in.
Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at December 15, 2009 3:33 PM
Vagina Vagina.
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 3:34 PM
I was turned on writing it.
But seriously? Tiger? Hes so unattractive? I understand that some woman will bone anything for the almighty dollar but how did he find them all? Is there a website for skanks and ho's who will blow, suck, bang, hump, ride, beat and shag any rich dude that drnkenly vomits into their lap? Cos thats just sad. But I want to go to there, just for a visit!
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 15, 2009 3:35 PM
Va.
Gine.
a.
Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at December 15, 2009 3:35 PM
ITA Wingman...plenty of women only see dollar signs.
Stacey...I am interviewing people for a position in center city but the position is kind of specific to the industry. What kind of job are you looking for?
Posted by: Patti at December 15, 2009 3:40 PM
Today-ay-ay-ay, I consider myself-elf-elf-elf, the vaginaest man-an-an-an, on the face of the earth-earth-earth.
Bagina has bery, bery good to me.
As not what vagina can do for you, but what you can do for your vagina.
That's one small step for man, one great leap for vagina.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 15, 2009 3:44 PM
Vagina is as Vagina does.
Mama always said, life is like a box of Vaginas, you never know what you're going to get.
Et Tu, Vagina?
Beware the Vaginas of March!
To be, or not to be Vagina. That is the Vagina.
Sooooooooooooooome wheeeeeeeeere, over Vaginaaaaaaaa, waaaaaaaaaay uuuuuuup hiiiiiiiiigh.
It's begining to look a lot like Vagina! Eveeerywhere You goooooooooo!!
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 3:52 PM
The vagina IS THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT!!
(Vagina.)
Posted by: MM at December 15, 2009 3:57 PM
I was unconditionally and irrevocably Vagina
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 4:01 PM
Ha! My Tiger Woods mistress name is Danger Chin and I'm from Geneva, Switzerland. That's all I'm going to focus on, since the rest of the blurb said I was a 44 year old receptionist. Am I the only one that was made older? Balls.
No Jeni, it made me older too but my name wasn't interesting enough to post and Vagina.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie thats VAGINA
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 4:17 PM
“The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty” premiered last night to no or zero fanfare. Seriously, even our own Intern Rusty didn’t mentioned it in yesterday’s Pajiba After Dark, and you know that’s saying something.
Except that she did. So maybe that's saying that... you don't read Pajiba?
God help any fucker who dares look funny at my sibs.
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 15, 2009 2:54 PM
Awwwwww. That is just the sweetest thing. (I'm right there with you, Nieve... oldest of 4 independent thinkers, and I will punch somebody's teeth right down their throat who thinks they'll get away with talking shit.)
Why's it gotta just be the guys that are turned on, Tracer? Can't the chicks be hot for that too?
Sorry, AvB. Didn't mean to be heterosexist. I think we can all agree that Nieve is an equal opportunity lust object.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 15, 2009 4:28 PM
Hehe, I will also kick the asses of folks who mess with Nieve. Who call her...um...trendy or...names.
Names that are bad.
Vagina
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 4:28 PM
What can I say? Im overprotective with a penchant for violence. Nadine will tell you Iv had a hard on to kick the ass of some bitch who bullied her beyond belief in school.
Saw her not too long ago actually, walked right past her then realised who she was. I turned on my heel and said
'Hey cunt, I know you'
She ran before I could use her face as an ashtray.I loathe that word so it tells you how much I hate this animal.
Man what I wouldnt give to bump into her in a dark alley.
Oh and Vagina.
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 15, 2009 4:28 PM
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 15, 2009 4:29 PM
Aw Tracer, now Im blushing. Your so sweet xx
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 15, 2009 4:30 PM
Pajiba, vagina.
Uma...Oprah.
Think about it.
Posted by: welldressed at December 15, 2009 4:32 PM
You know I was just reading some of the comments on the Sophie Lancaster video and some degenerate has written a really horrible message.
Her mother posted that video, what is wrong with people?
Gah sometimes the world upsets me.
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 15, 2009 4:34 PM
Oooooh! I'm Jorja Jones from Johnson City, TN. I am a 37 year old nanny. You know I'm telling the truth because I know Tiger's ring tone. Ha!
It's cos people are scum. The same people who battered the girl to death are the people who post those comments, low life scum bags, barely human thugs who deserve to be strung up by their balls.
And it's You're, hun, if i have to keep telling you this, I'll tattoo it on your face
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 4:43 PM
Vagina
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 4:43 PM
Hi, I'm Brandy Trouble, an orthopedist from Hollywood, CA. I'm also Tiger's lover.
Actually, if it's going to be accurate, it's more like Tequila Trouble, Sierra Nevada Trouble, or Bacon Double-Cheeseburger Trouble.
The hills are alive with the sound of Vagina
I wouldn't touch that for all the tea in vachina.
And I'm out.
Posted by: logar at December 15, 2009 4:52 PM
How did I miss this thread? Oh, wait, I remember. {squints at PIB}
ANYWAY:
The man makes a living swinging a big stick, and putting balls in a hole. Yeah, he likes poon.
Plus, you KNOW he never got within a mile of a straight woman who would touch him while he was in his teens, what with living on the golf course with is daddy looming over him. That is the antidote to pussy.
In the immortal words of a great man:
'Pussy makes men stupid.'
Also: VAGINA
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 15, 2009 4:56 PM
And Dad's make men untouchable?
Vagina
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 4:58 PM
Not unless Dad was distracted by someone
's Vagina
would Tiger get anywhere near any girls
vagina.
Posted by: logar at December 15, 2009 5:02 PM
I know, as I hit send I spotted the mistake and was literally yelling NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Bastard Monkey Hands.
Vagina
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 5:04 PM
"ANYWAY:
The man makes a living swinging a big stick, and putting balls in a hole. Yeah, he likes poon"
Like Tiger, I'm an avid golfer. I must be playing with non-regulation balls, because mine never make it inside the actual hole. And by hole, I mean...
Posted by: Triceraballs (logar) at December 15, 2009 5:06 PM
Vagina?
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 5:09 PM
Woman Dont be correctin' ma grammah!
Posted by: Nieve 'The Threadkiller Queen' at December 15, 2009 5:10 PM
no, literally the hole in the ground. I'm a bad golfer. Where'd you get vagina from?
Posted by: logar at December 15, 2009 5:20 PM
It's a metaphor my love. Stick , ball, hole, you know.
If you don't know where to get Vagina I can't help you. That is a different website.
Vagina.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 15, 2009 5:24 PM
The adorable child learns Shakespeare faster than my high school students. I shall have to try this method come festival time.
Speaking of VAGINA porn names, here's a news flash:
ORAL ROBERTS DEAD AT 91.
Posted by: BWeaves at December 15, 2009 5:36 PM
The proper comedic retort to my set-up "where'd you get vagina from" should have been something like:
The good Lord.
or
Penis
Posted by: logar at December 15, 2009 5:36 PM
Wow. Ive been schooled by Logar. My day is complete. I'd better go to work.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 15, 2009 5:39 PM
Not to worry, Lwa'e'... We've all been there. And by there, I mean...
Posted by: logar at December 15, 2009 5:45 PM
Vaginas?
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 6:07 PM
Pssst. I've got a little secret for you....
*whispers softly*
vagina.
Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at December 15, 2009 6:24 PM
When the fuck was Vin Diesel cool? I must have blinked and missed it.
Posted by: Jason at December 15, 2009 6:25 PM
Yes!
Posted by: logar at December 15, 2009 6:36 PM
VAGINAS FTW!
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 6:54 PM
Buh-dinas ? Whught? I'm confused. I've been moving for 5 days and my everything hurts.
On the subject of Tiger's wimins. How did that mo-fo actually have the *time*.
Your playing some golf, keeping up the home front, walking the dog, servicing
the wife, making appearances, ect. He really did have alot of help (friends & biz
partners) doing all that dirty work {well shoot, goes to show what one can do
with an unlimited bank roll). But the quality of that TRIM. Icky-poo. I live in
So CA, about an hour S of L.A. I've seen my share of club who-errs, hangers-on
and money-grubbers. Nearly every single one of these gals looks like the same!
(the guy definetly had a 'type'). Same hair do's, clothes, high heels, implants,
attitude. Yuck. That's what brings the boys to the yard huh?? Whatever. How could they not have known about each other? And if Tiger was keeping all
of these women, how did he not fall over from shear exhaustion. Never mind
keeping them organized in the smart phone.
Posted by: Ms MoMo at December 15, 2009 7:31 PM
Clearly MoMo, he's a robit.
It explains SO much.
And yes I meant to spell it Robit.
Posted by: Nadine at December 15, 2009 7:37 PM
...just being a cranky smartass.
A new trick every week!
Posted by: Cindy at December 15, 2009 8:07 PM
Poor Kevin Smith, I liked the title A Couple of Dicks. Fingers crossed that with material that is not his own, he'll be a good director again.
Posted by: Mebe at December 15, 2009 10:37 PM
Dayyyyuummm Kurt Cobain must be rolling over in his grave. If I remember correctly, his biographer Charles Cross documented that Kurt would NOT let Frances go to Courtney's family if that was possible. Ohhh well. Even though I think her family is incredibly normal (see the book Her Mother's Daughter)
Ok commentary over.
Posted by: grace b at December 16, 2009 9:08 AM
grace b, I read that Frances Bean was going to HIS mother and sister. Perhaps there are conflicting reports?
Posted by: Whorish Mouth at December 16, 2009 10:09 AM
You know... I watched them film part of that Kevin Smith movie in my neighborhood in Queens and... all I remember thinking was, "Damn. Bruce Willis is kinda short."
My Tiger Woods mistress name is Candy McMahon and I'm apparently a 23 year old receptionist. Rowr.