Now that our collective ears have begun getting raped by Christmas carols everyplace from the goddamn grocery store to the gas station, here are the worst Christmas songs ever. Especially Paul McCartney’s “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime” which makes me want to punch things. (Celebitchy)
This didn’t quite make our Holiday Gift Buying Guide, but HuffPo has a new book out, The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging. (Deus Ex Malcontent)
That dumb retarded asshole from Twilight allegedly goes for six weeks without washing his hair. (AgentBedhead)
And yet, he still is infinitely more appealing on the Scale of Fruity Douchebags to a girl then one of those damn Jonas Brothers. (WIMB)
I’ve been to Cheesecake Factory two times and had two bad experiences at Cheesecake Factory. And no one was even sexually assaulted either of those times. (QuizLaw)
Tina Fey has finally opened up about the scar on her face, and can I be the first to say “Holy shit dude?” (Yeeeah!)
I tried, for the purposes of professionalism in my chosen field, to watch the Britney Spears documentary this weekend, and even I couldn’t sit through it. So you know it was bad. (FourFour)
In “I’m Not Making This Up” news, 130,000 inflatable boobs were lost at sea. (YBNBY)
Bleh. I hate Subway and I’ll be damned if they’re gonna fool me with some gourmet sounding flatbread sandwich. (TIB)
There’s a new environmentalism magazine out by the Stuff White People Like guy, which would probably be up many of your collective alleys. (SWPL)
Aww, man… Did anyone else know that Juliana Hatfield was being treated for an eating disorder. That makes me a sad panda. (EvilBeet)
Holy shit! Meg Ryan actually won an award this weekend that wasn’t “Most Disfigured Actress.” (FilmExperience)
Guess who’s still stealing shit? Yup, good old Winona Ryder. And it wasn’t Lip Smackers this time, either. (IDLYITW)
Julia Roberts might be involved in a real life Sleeping With the Enemy situation. No, she’s probably not, but dude is kinda nuts. (cityrag)
Damn straight Bryan Adams has stalkers. I knew a girl in college who was obsessed — obsessed — with him. She even got pulled up to dance on stage with him once, and I’m not entirely sure she didn’t finagle that through stalking. (DListed)
If not getting sick of Spaghetti Cat memes is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. Thanks to Sofia for this one!
Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.
Holy crap... I used to lived in Chandler, AZ and took my daughter to that Cheescake Factory a couple of years ago as sort of a mommy-daughter day out. It was the one and only time I've ever been to a Cheescake Factory, and believe me, I will never go again since it sucked. It makes me incredibly sad to think what the workers were going through.
Posted by: elsie at December 2, 2008 12:11 PM
You know which Christmas song they missed?
Motherfucking CHRISTMAS SHOES .
Just thinking about it right now has made me so upset I can no longer express my feelings in written words.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Posted by: Arr Matey at December 2, 2008 12:11 PM
You give your shit to Winona "Fingers" Ryder you deserve to get robbed.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 2, 2008 12:12 PM
You give your shit to Winona "Fingers" Ryder you deserve to get robbed.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 2, 2008 12:13 PM
I've been to the Cheesecake Factory in South Miami's Dadeland Mall where yesterday they had the shootout, and in fucking Austin Texas, and the one in Austin is for shit. Austin Texas has the worst fucking food in the fucking world, this includes the Caribbean Islands and Mexico which I've travel to on several occasions. Brisket my ass.
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 12:13 PM
"Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime"
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Posted by: Julie at December 2, 2008 12:14 PM
There is NOTHING worse than that motherfucking Paul McCartney song. OH MY GOD I HATE IT SO MUCH.
Posted by: Snath at December 2, 2008 12:14 PM
Oh brrrrother
*get your shit together Rowles
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 2, 2008 12:16 PM
"Wonderful Christmatime" by McCartney is included at spot no. 11. I really hate that song, as well as Springteens' "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" (also included). Most of the other songs listed I've never heard of. I assume they are leaving out all the joke songs ("Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer") on purpose, because you could fill a whole page with just those. I have to say - I have *never* heard the song "Christmas Shoes" either. I guess it's best that I haven't since everyone that brings it up does so with loathing and vitriol.
Posted by: elsie at December 2, 2008 12:17 PM
I will admit it: I fucking love Christmas music. BUT - I love the classics - Sinatra, Crosby, Garland (personal fave: "Baby, It's Cold Outside". I love the music from Charlie Brown Christmas Special. I love the orchestral pieces, and the Motown stuff.
The rest is modern, commercialized garbage mall music and it makes me want to stab.
Mmmmmmmmmm, maybe those Cheesecake Factory guys are on to something there. I've always found this place a little lax in letting people in.
We need to start dry raping people around here...
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 2, 2008 12:22 PM
On an unrelated note, I actually really like the Cheesecake Factory. They have this thai chicken pasta that is like crack to me. Delicious, delicious crack. Fuck the cheesecake, I'm in it for the peanut sauce, bitches.
But then again, I'm the one that puts peanut butter on burgers. I would hump a jar of peanut butter if it wouldn't make it inedible afterwards. Hmmm, now hold on. Would it make it inedible afterwards?
Experiment time!
Posted by: Snath at December 2, 2008 12:24 PM
"Wonderful Christmatime" by McCartney is included at spot no. 11.
Okay, I just realised that I am IN love with Tina Fey.
Not that I LOVE her, I knew that. But after reading about her scar, I totally want to hunt that guy down and cut him the fuck up!
That's sort of like being IN love, right?
...Why do all my expressions of love always end in me gutting someone like a fish?
Posted by: Bane at December 2, 2008 12:29 PM
Favorite Christmas song: Burl Ives' "Holly Jolly Christmas." It makes me want to roll around naked in tinsel.
Posted by: Julie at December 2, 2008 12:30 PM
Trust me Snath peanut butter in the old, well Snatch, is not all that uncommon. Having eaten everything from soup to nuts out of the old, well Snatch, I can tell you it's not a big deal.
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 12:32 PM
I wish I was sexually assaulted at Cheesecake Factory, it would have to be better than the food. Just before we were married, my wife and I ate there and had the worst meal I have ever paid for. Cold meatloaf, brown guacamole, burnt coffee, and cheesecake with freezer burn. It was also the worst service I have ever had, our waitress received a .37 cent tip as that was the sum total of change in my pocket. The manager and the waitress made the mistake of stopping me as we left, to see if there was a problem. Standing next to the hostess station, I gave a litany of my disgust with the food and service as people were being seated. When I was asked why I did not send my food back I told him I did not want it spit upon. I hate that restaurant with a passion.
Posted by: ChemicalCurt at December 2, 2008 12:32 PM
I love the idea of 130,000 tiny little boobies just floating up on shore, one by one. That'd be a hell of a sight.
I've never heard Billy Squier's Christmas song. Is that the inspiration for Love Actually?
Posted by: Melissa at December 2, 2008 12:34 PM
OMG(odtupus) Christmas Shoes!
Arr Matey, that is the worst song in the entire world ever. It is also a song my Mom loves to play. Her eyes fill with tears and my mouth fills with barf.
Posted by: Park at December 2, 2008 12:35 PM
HEY! I loved Wonderful Christmastime as a kid. You know what's more annoying? "Merry XMas (The War Is Over". YOU try listening to it over and over and over again on the radio; sung by John and Yoko, Melissa Etheridge, and anyone else who thought it was "cool" to cover it while we're actually still fighting a goddamn war; all while working as a wage slave for a small candy shop because you needed a college job and all that was available was a job where one of the duties was wiping down everything in the damn store with bleach before and after those little fuckers came in on Sundays for the kids birthday party of the week! GAH!
I would also go on record as saying Brian Setzer Orchestra's cover on The Nutcracker Suite is the best. Ever since I first heard it in Elf, I've made it a christmas tradition to listen to it at least once a year.
Despite my young age I turn into a cranky old fart when it comes to christmas music. It still steams my broccoli that our local Catholic church has moved to the dip with a guitar style of Christmas music rather than traditional choral pieces. THERE IS NO JINGLE BELLS IN CHURCH, bust out some Adeste Fidelis and we'll all be happier.
Except for Fairytale of New York and the God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen from the Barenaked Ladies Christmas album. Those are both acceptable.
And the few times I've been to Cheesecake Factory (including the Dadeland Mall location Pookie mentioned) and I've never been impressed. I'll just make cheesecake if I want it that badly.
"It was also the worst service I have ever had, our waitress received a .37 cent tip as that was the sum total of change in my pocket."
Fucking bananas ChemicalCurt, motherfucking bananas! If you don't win for having the top comment I'll lick Vermillion's pussy.
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 12:43 PM
*HI FIVE*
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 2, 2008 12:47 PM
My wife is a Christmas fanatic. Every time we are in the car, the radio has to be tuned to a Christmas station, starting as soon as they begin playing the songs. On Thanksgiving we were doing the road trip thing and the whole way was Christmas music.
I was kind of getting into it, trying not to be a Grinch about it, but then I heard "Merry Christmas, My Friend." Anyone know it? It was originally a poem written by a Marine Lance Corporal in 1986, but now it's a spoken-word piece on the radio. It's not as treacly as "Christmas Shoes" but it still got my hackles up. Oddly, I don't really know why.
My dad was a Marine, I should be supportive. I know plenty of good Marines/soldiers/sailors. I think this war has ruined my vision of the American Armed Services irreparably, and it's not even their fault.
Posted by: Snath at December 2, 2008 12:47 PM
There is NOTHING worse than that motherfucking Paul McCartney song. OH MY GOD I HATE IT SO MUCH.
Thought it was just me. But then, a person who refuted that stance is a psychotically devoted Beatles fan, so...grains of salt and all that.
Brings back memories of seasonal work at Wal-Mart in college.
AND THEN THE TIME IT WASN'T SEASONAL!
Only job I've quit having no money and nowhere to go. Yeah, basically September 1997 to November 1999 was the abyss. And that song represents it quite well.
And hey, Stacey. I was catching up on The Soup the past couple of days and
Does anyone know Skitz's whereabouts when that load of boobies went missing?
The fucking stores were playing the "holiday" muzak even before Thanksgiving, and I already want to stick a fork in my eye every time I'm forced to go out. That McCartney song should be used as a weapon against terrorists. I can stomach some of the old stuff (Ives, Mathis) but public places make me so sick of Christmas music, I rarely enjoy it.
Posted by: Cindy at December 2, 2008 1:08 PM
SOFI, YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ' TO DO!
Posted by: Sofía's Dad at December 2, 2008 1:09 PM
Dad, you said you loved me in spite of my "bohemian" ways...
I rather like Eartha Kitt's version of "Santa Baby." I can't imagine how horrible that song would be in Madonna's icy clutches. As for the greatest Xmas song of all time: Otis Redding's "White Christmas." This is an eternal, objective and universal truth about which there can be no discussion or debate.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 2, 2008 1:14 PM
Weird, my Cheesecake Factory experiences have always been pleasant... Ah well.
Also, Sofia that made me laugh much harder than a good little church girl should have.
Posted by: Kayanne at December 2, 2008 1:14 PM
Skitz whereabouts are of NO. CONCERN. now, go on about your business.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 2, 2008 1:16 PM
Aw, I kind of like "Oi to the World". It's fun. I definitely hate that Madonna version of "Santa Baby", though. Eartha Kitt's is way sexier. Overall, though, I prefer to just pop in my Vince Guaraldi CD and leave off the radio altogether at this time of year. Well, that and the Muppets Christmas album. You haven't lived until you've heard Beaker doing his part of "The 12 Days of Christmas". Back me up, Julie! (Also, the visual of you rolling naked in tinsel to the strains of Burl Ives' smooth and creamy voice... well, suffice to say, I've got a girl boner. Or "clitwood", if you will.)
Stacey, I love you for making me laugh, and yet I hate you for making me cry with the dog stories. Cut it out, man! You're making me confused!
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 2, 2008 1:18 PM
Skitz AND Sarina seem to be absent...I'm SOOOO starting a rumor!
Pookie: The best part of that meal was my wife looking down at her plate and in her tiny little voice saying "We're never eating here again." as I quietly fumed over my dinner. Cheesecake Factory also sent me a coupon for buy one get one free since I also filled out a comment card deriding their restaurant. I gave it to my mother in law, and they loved the place!
Posted by: ChemicalCurt at December 2, 2008 1:21 PM
AvB: meep!
Posted by: Julie at December 2, 2008 1:26 PM
I fear that in my old age (26) I might be losing my sense of humor, but I really hate that SWPL site. I mean despise. I get all heat-faced angry every time I read even a snippet and now just totally avoid it. Like, don't marginalize me because of my interests, ok? WHAT IS WRONG WITH LIKING MICHAEL POLLAN AND BAMBOO UNDERWEAR!? Huh!? Tell me! Bamboo underwear is very soft, ok. And I refuse to apologize for wearing it, unless it smells.
Posted by: Lindsay at December 2, 2008 1:29 PM
Allow me to translate for our Canadian brothers and sisters:
Skitz whereaboots are of NO. CONCERN. now, go on aboot your business, hosers.
(Sorry, I'm just bitter because it's getting so damn cold out around here)
Posted by: branded at December 2, 2008 1:30 PM
"Christmas Shoes" makes my eyes bleed. It is so awful...
I love, love, love Christmas songs, but I've had to start making my own mixes and such to get me through the filth the radio usually plays. A Pandora Radio Station starting with Eartha Kitt's "Santa Baby" has done me good this season. Also the "Maybe This Christmas" albums have some pretty decent contemporary covers. Chris Martin's "Have Yourself a Mary Little Christmas" is kind of like velvet.
Posted by: Kayanne at December 2, 2008 1:30 PM
Skitz and Sarina sitting in a tree... F-U-C...
[takes a long drink of water]
F-U-C-H-S-I-A!
What? Bitch, I'm on acid.
Posted by: jM at December 2, 2008 1:32 PM
And now I'm gonna have "The Drowning Man" in my head.
Skittiums is facebooking it today, I betcha. I've had a pending friend request for like, two goddamned weeks, that he finally granted.
Blessing or curse? Only time will tell.
Posted by: feramones at December 2, 2008 1:37 PM
I'm not absent. I just happened to be in the restroom vomiting up nicotine gum juice. Jesus H. Baloney, that shit's gross. That being said...
I hate you, Ms. Nosek, I really do. I've managed to avoid Christmas songs for the past two weeks, thereby eliminating any possibility of hearing Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime. But now? Yeah. You mentioned it and now it's stuck in my head. I. Hate. That. Song. Hate it. Not only is is shitty as all get-out, but it's like, thirty minutes long. STUPID ASS SONG AND IT'S STUPID REPEATING STUPIDNESS AND STUPID PAUL MELTY-FACE GAAARGH!
Stupid gum making me angry...
Posted by: Skitz at December 2, 2008 1:44 PM
...and screw you too, Cheesecake Factory. I'd rather eat guano.
FUN FACT !!! FUN FACT !!! FUN FACT !!!
Guano is Mexican for "poop"!
Posted by: Skitz at December 2, 2008 1:50 PM
OK, Skitz Where are the boobies? What twisted little scheme are you and BSlim working out? There are people who need those things you know. People. Without boobies! Cough them up.
Posted by: Cindy at December 2, 2008 1:50 PM
That McCartney song is ass. ASS. The only Christmasy songs I can tolerate are "Carole of the Bells" and Zooey Desche..sha..chanel..whatever's version of "Baby It's Cold Outside". The rest kind of blow.
And honestly? The Cheesecake Factory has always been fine with me. The cheesecake itself was just ok, but the Chocolate Blackout Cake? Duuuuuuddde! When I used to get high, that stuff was the most amazing food ever!
Skitz, are you trying to quit smoking? 'Cause I've been trying to do that, too. It'll be a whole lot easier to do it if I go public about it, because then people will ask me about it, and I'm a terrible liar. So I guess I'll have to quit now.
MurderTank was lacking floatation devices, pillows and sexual appeal... We only did what hadda be did.
Posted by: Skitz at December 2, 2008 1:56 PM
Sixteen days. Oh, how I long for the cool breezes and tobacco aromas of flavor country. How I wish to ride my very own Joe Camel through the whispering fields of gently swaying nicotine while bluebirds cough out sweet songs of serenity.
Stupid health always getting in the way of happiness... What's next? Ooh, booze is bad for you! Better not drink in excess! Pfft!
Posted by: Skitz at December 2, 2008 2:04 PM
Listen ChemicalCurt, I was just saying that I thought your comment was very funny and you deserve to win the top comment of the week contest. I'm not interested in having an ongoing conversation about your fucking horrible experience at the Cheesecake Factory, so please leave me the fuck alone. Like I got time to commiserate with this motherfucker.
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 2:11 PM
Oh Sofi, you *can* do it, my chispita! You can, you can! Next Thursday will be my 2 year anniversary. I smoked 2 packs a day for 20 years and if I can do it (and only killed ONE person in the process, fine two, but that one was almost completely an accident...) then you can, too. I just know it! Good luck!
Please, if anyone knows the whereabouts of those two numb-nuts, Rowles and Prisco. Can you please tell them to crank that fucking list out so I can get this fucking guy off my back.
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 2:16 PM
MurderTank was lacking floatation devices, pillows and sexual appeal...
I knew you were behind it. That said, what a perfectly genius idea. Carry on.
Cheers and good thoughts to both of you Skitz & Sofia. The quitting process sucks - no way around that. After many stumbles, I can highly recommend pregnancy (worked for me).
Posted by: Cindy at December 2, 2008 2:21 PM
There is NOTHING worse than that motherfucking Paul McCartney song. OH MY GOD I HATE IT SO MUCH.
Thought it was just me.
I also thought it was just me. The worst part is, now the song's sole lyric is stuck in my head, playing over and over and over...
I remember when my mom and I were making our traditional Christmas butter cookies, for the first Christmas in my first house, and everything was decorated and the kitchen smelled delicious and we were chatting and actually getting along, when that song came on and I freaked upon recognizing it and yelled, "Jesus God, I HATE THIS FUCKING SONG!" as I dropped a tray of cookies and raced across the room to change the radio station. Kinda ruined the festive mood. And I got lectured on how ladies don't use the f-word.
Posted by: DeadBessie at December 2, 2008 2:25 PM
Oo, and how about bad restaurant experiences for a comment diversion someday?
Posted by: DeadBessie at December 2, 2008 2:30 PM
Skitz, I'm going on 11 months now. It gets much, much easier. Trust me.
Posted by: TK at December 2, 2008 2:44 PM
How about a comment diversion about pajiba members that come up with different ideas for a comment diversion?
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 2:44 PM
That's GOLD, Pookie! What a little genius you are...
It better. I've been ticketed twice now for throwing rocks at random cars. Yesterday I almost punched a baby for making a goofy face at me in the checkout line.
Posted by: Skitz at December 2, 2008 2:46 PM
11 months, that's kinda long. It only took Ted Haggard 8 months.
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 2:49 PM
I quit cold turkey once, and it's been something like 13 years. Now I do have the occasional smoke when I'm drinking, and I kind of started again recently but stopped right away again. It does get much, much easier once you're past the physical stuff.
I read somewhere once that a craving actually only lasts about 10 minutes, so I would do something physical for 15 or 20 to get my mind off the craving and that did the trick. Quickie sex works really well for that....
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 2, 2008 3:10 PM
That's about right, AvB... for me it's around 5 minutes. If you can get through that 5 minutes, it's like wanting that smoke never even happened.
And shit, Skitz, you can do anything for five minutes, can't you?
Um...
never mind.
Posted by: TK at December 2, 2008 3:17 PM
I used to stand outside with my eyes closed and take the deepest breaths I could - imagining I was inhaling. Sounds stupid, but it can get you through those few minutes. So can fudgesicles.
Posted by: Cindy at December 2, 2008 3:26 PM
For the record, I am not in a tree fuschia-ing anybody. I just kinda can't handle my life anymore after being trapped in a house with 13 other people for six days. And five of them were tiny tots! Miraculously, all of them survived. I'm rather proud of the restraint I displayed. No one even lost a limb. It's like I'm a pacifist now! I'm so fucking zen, or something.
I prefer warping their minds to destroying their will, jM,/b>.
My daughter already knows Iron Man, Hulk, Spider-Man, Wolverine, and Batman by sight, and she's only two. Today my wife called me at work and put my daughter on the phone, where she proceeded to tell me that she was "Superman, wheeeee!"
I taught her that the only sure way to stop a zombie is to destroy the brain, so she hits me on the head with a cardboard tube when I pretend to be a zombie.
She picked up a Wii remote at Thanksgiving and insisted that it was her turn, then proceeded bowl (not well, but she tried, bless her little heart).
I'm warping her into the perfect little geekling.
Posted by: Snath at December 2, 2008 4:12 PM
GOD I hope my dad or my Jesuit brother NEVER read that..
If they call you on it Sofi you could always say you were just generating good sermon ideas (see also Rev. Elron McKenzie's "Don't Kill Bugs") and seeing how they did in a test audience. That, or the quitting smoking (best of luck by the way - nothing's unsexier than smoking, and people strong enough to kick the habit are inspirational, which is totally hot) made you crazy.
Can I nominate the McKenzie brother's 12 days of Christmas for a favourite tune? Or how about "Little Dealer Boy" and "Nutmeg" from the Colbert Christmas special?
Posted by: lordhelmet at December 2, 2008 4:24 PM
Sarina's motherfucking zen, goddammit! Way more than I would ever be...
Posted by: lordhelmet at December 2, 2008 4:26 PM
ha, Snath! My 4 & 1/2 year old niece has decided she wants to be Incredible Hulk when she grows up. And she has gotten pretty good at Wii bowling, too. I don't think she knows how to destroy a zombie, though. I'd better get on that...
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 2, 2008 4:29 PM
trapped in a house with 13 other people for six days
Sounds like something to write a blog entry about!
I don't think she knows how to destroy a zombie, though. I'd better get on that...
Haha! I definitely have something new to teach my daughter. The public schools may help hone her handgun skills, but I'm going to have to do the blunt object training.
Posted by: branded at December 2, 2008 4:50 PM
Excuse me, but has anybody seen Kayanne?
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 4:55 PM
Pooks be nice! He was just trying to be friendly.
Also, congrats to everyone trying to quit smoking. And good luck, if y'all have the perseverance to muddle through these comments, you can certain deal with withdrawls.
And as an aside, Skitz, don't punch innocents in the face, fire up the murdertank and rage through industry folks that greenlight stupid shit!
Posted by: Kayanne at December 2, 2008 5:00 PM
Pooks, that was weird.
Why are you stalking me?
Posted by: Kayanne at December 2, 2008 5:02 PM
I wasn't stalking you, someone said you were looking for me.
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 5:09 PM
I've been smoking for 18 years now and my biggest problem is that I like it. More the habit than anything else. I told my wife I would quit and I've got eight months to do it or she's leaving.
Wait...thats not a threat.
Favourite Christmas song: Hey Santa Claus by Kevin Bloody Wilson. Pure magic.
Posted by: admin at December 2, 2008 5:56 PM
I wasn't stalking you, someone said you were looking for me.
Posted by: Pookie at December 2, 2008 5:09 PM
------------------------------------------------
Maaaaaaaaaan, then why you tell me to bring the fucking scope?!?!?!
jive ass mo...
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at December 2, 2008 6:03 PM
Pssh, Pookie. It's ok to miss someone as awesome as me.
And BSlim Scope? Like the mouthwash? Or the attachment to a sniper... Because I like one way better than the other.
Posted by: Kayanne at December 2, 2008 6:10 PM
Yes, the Cheesecake Factory is terrible. I can attest to terrible service at the franchise located at the base of the Hancock Building in Chicago, ugh.
Pookie, the reason Curt will not leave you alone is everyone you touch wants to be covered in your clever glow. Even if it is a glow of lacquered urine, it is a gift that keeps on giving.
Posted by: richmac at December 2, 2008 9:32 PM
I used to think the Paul McCartney song was the worst. But that stupid f-ing George Michael Christmas song makes me want to kill and maim ("Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away")
Posted by: kimmyhula at December 2, 2008 9:54 PM
I'm going to need to ask you cocksuckers to quit talking about jackassy, unacceptable Christmas songs that get stuck in my head and make me want to remove my eyes with a melon baller and drive corkscrews into the empty sockets while jabbing meat thermometers into my ears. Stop it right fucking now or I shall be forced to dismember you all and make a very special holiday stew.
Here are the Christmas songs you're allowed to talk about:
1. Anything by Burl Ives
2. Anything by Bing Crosby (he may have been a ginormous asshole, but that fucker could SING).
3. "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" as sung by Boris Karloff.
4. Any and all versions of "Baby, it's Cold Outside" because TK is right and that is pretty much the best Christmas song ever.
5. Anything orchestral.
Actually, most stuff produced before, like, 1970 is pretty safe. I probably won't kill anyone over most of that. But if I hear one more word about any of those goddamn Beatles and their asshole ideas of Christmas music, I will probably lose my tenuous hold on sanity.
Ok, now I want to take UP smoking so's I can quit and have an excuse for quickies. Even in public. 'What? I had a nicotine urge! This *moan...hump....moan* is medically sanctioned!!'
I haven't heard all those Christmas songs, but I'm hating them anyway, just to be sociable.
I do hate the McCartney, George Michael, and Springsteen ones, for reals. And I'd add Boney M's 'Mary's Boy Child' and 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' by Mariah Carey to the list.
But we in Britland have some nightmarish Christmas songs all to ourselves. Like Slade's 'Merry Christmas Everybody', Wizzard's 'I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday', Cliff Richard's 'Mistletoe and Wine', and Mud's 'Lonely This Christmas'. I'm sure they are on Youtube, for anybody who wishes to be gifted with the urge to throw up their own intestines and strangle themselves with them.....
I like the Pogues 'Fairytale of New York', Jona Lewie's 'Stop The Calvary', and that Bing Crosby/David Bowie one. At least partly because I can't help imagining how those two got along!
Holy crap... I used to lived in Chandler, AZ and took my daughter to that Cheescake Factory a couple of years ago as sort of a mommy-daughter day out. It was the one and only time I've ever been to a Cheescake Factory, and believe me, I will never go again since it sucked. It makes me incredibly sad to think what the workers were going through.