free counter with statistics Pajiba Love 11/25/08 | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People

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Today In Sweet, Delicious Irony…

Pajiba Love / Stacey Nosek

Pajiba Love | November 25, 2008 | Comments (46)

This is pretty much the best thing I’ve heard in the history of hearing things: Mann Schmoulter’s mouth has literally been wired shut. (NY Post)

I know you guys are going to bitch at me for posting this, but whatever. Everyone’s favorite fuckface reality show couple got married for real-like! Who wants in on a divorce poll with me? (WIMB)

Here is the funniest skit from last week’s “Saturday Night Live” that didn’t make it on air. Which, for me, is inconsequential since I haven’t been watching anyway. (QuizLaw)

And on that note, former SNL staple Horatio Sanz becomes the first “funny fat guy” to escape the SNL curse. Oh wait, that’s right… “Funny.” (Celebitchy)

Amy Winehouse and her husband are apparently splitting because their relationship was based on drug-fueled three ways. It’s OK, the vomitous reaction is natural. Get it all up, now. (IDLYITW)

And somebody should probably tell Amy about it once she wakes up in the hospital in the early stages of withdraw. Because, that’s where she is again! (The Blemish)

Vampire assclown/male hair enthusiast Robert Pattinson makes the “Bedhead Hall of Shame.” (Agent Bedhead)

Little known fact: the hot dog launcher is my favorite thing about going to Phillies games. How can you not love a giant gun that fires meat? (SeriousEats)

And now, a musical interlude. (omg blog)

Matthew McConaughey’s mighty peen and sack still cannot be contained by mere mortal human methods! (cityrag)

How bad is the global economy you ask? It’s so bad that they can’t even sell vodka to Russians! Zing! No, that’s actually true. (Evil Beet)

Are there rules of etiquette when it comes to other people’s farts? One time at an old job I had to train a girl on a day where the AC was broke and I was the worst intestinal cramps coupled with rotten egg smelling farts. It would have been nice to “clear the air,” so to speak. (Jezebel)

Keep warm and toasty or burn your favorite books to the Colbert Christmas Yule Log. (ColbertNation)

Aww… Save a cute little turkey bo-burkey. It’ll make you feel better about the one you eat on Thursday. (CuteOverload)

The new Snoopy Flying Ace game has Nazis in it? What is this fuckery? (MightyGodKing)

J_Capri mentioned the term “observatory prophylaxis” on yesterday’s Love’s comment thread. And here is a clip I snagged from Sofia’s blog. Need I say more?

Pajiba Love brought to you by Stacey Nosek, who can be reached via email here.


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Comments

Now how am I supposed to skullfuck her?

Posted by: Marra at November 25, 2008 12:07 PM

Oh Ms. Coulter, I would totally hate-fuck the shit out of you. The jaw/wire thing would just make it all that much better.

Posted by: The_wakeful at November 25, 2008 12:09 PM

How will she get sustanance to maintain that bony frame? Is it even possible to put Jew baby hearts in a blender?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 25, 2008 12:11 PM

Anne Cou... hahahaha, Anne Coulter had her... hahahahaha, had her mouth wired sh... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (snort) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (stupid bitch) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... deep, gasping breath... HAHAHAHAHAHAHoooooooo (snort). Oh... Oh my God that's funny. I would absolutely adore showing up at her front door and just verbally tearing into her without her being able to (snort)... being able to... hahahaha, open her dumb goddam mouth HAHAHAHAHA... coughing fit, followed by loud, wet fart... uh... yeah.

I gotta go change my trousers.

Posted by: Skitz at November 25, 2008 12:15 PM

Man, only a 22 year old would be dumb enough to legally tie herself to an unemployed gnome looking bottom feeder who's using her to create his own "career" out of thin air. And this is coming from a 22 year old.

And I totally want to dance around in front of Ann Coulter waving some gay pride signs, rainbow flags, and feminist propaganda, all while playing a tape of President-Elect Obama's election night speech in the background. Why? Cause she can't say ANYTHING to it, and it'll make her small-minded head explode.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at November 25, 2008 12:16 PM

stupid goddam italic whatchamafrick...

Posted by: Skitz at November 25, 2008 12:17 PM

Ann Coulter's mouth's been wired shut? Maybe there is a god(topus). Also, after seeing the insaneness of his hair, I feel like I have to revise my opinion of Pattinson - I'm just not sure in which direction. On the one hand, if that's a natural hair formation that doesn't involve going unwashed for weeks (ew.) then that's kind of adorable/awesome in that "weird, awkward guy who gives you chocolates then runs away 'cause he doesn't know how to deal with women" sort of way. On the other hand, if that involves several hours in front of a mirror with a vat of hair gel, then he might be the douchiest douche that ever lived.

Posted by: s. pisaster at November 25, 2008 12:25 PM

Marra, don't forget the eye socket. The tears provide a natural lubricant.

Posted by: The_wakeful at November 25, 2008 12:27 PM

I'm with Genny. Even though I don't swing that way, I'd totally make out with a feller in front of her dumb ass. Can we pull a Kubric and wire her eyes open while I tongue wrassle another man? I've got a pair of assless chaps that would be perfect in this situation, and if need be, I'll even touch a dinkle...

Jesus, I hope she gets some crazy ass stomach flu and sprays sick-up all over the place. And then, like, one of her assistants comes over with a few Saltines and some 7-Up with a bendy straw in a Burger King Star Wars glass hoping to make her feel better, but tough shit for her, 'cause her stupid hate-filled mouth is wired shut. And then she gets herpes from touching her penis to the urinal. And then she's attacked by a gorilla. And finds out Sean Hannity's her brother. But she slept with him at a holiday party. And then she has a cross-eyed baby with webbed feet and night vision.

Posted by: Skitz at November 25, 2008 12:27 PM

Aww Skitz. I just thought the italics were representing your inner most thoughts. It was like seeing the face of God or, at least like that time I heard my pastor call me a little bitch under his breath.

Posted by: jM at November 25, 2008 12:28 PM

She had her jaw wired shut, and everyone thinks that's going to stop her? Which orifice do you all think she's been talking out of all this time?

Posted by: branded at November 25, 2008 12:32 PM

Steven Colbert has given the world the best Christmas gift anyone could ever ask for...a bear that sings in the voice of Elvis Costello. I'm already begging my parents to get me one for Christmas.

Also, it sucks that Ann Coulter's jaw is shut, simply because she will be unable to comply with my requests that she, "squeal like a pig". Other than that, we're golden.

Posted by: Mike R. at November 25, 2008 12:40 PM

Eh, the "Coulter's giant gaping maw wired shut" news would have been a lot more welcome about 5-6 years ago. Now, not so much. Even better news would be "Coulter hit by truck, rendered permanently speechless." But maybe that's just me.


The real Rahm Emanuel is actually much better-looking than the guy in the SNL video (which was pretty funny). I don't have a point, really. Just wanted to throw that in there. I'm not a political groupie or anything, but saw Emanuel on a video clip when he was first mentioned as COS and thought, "Damn, he's kinda hot. Especially for D.C."

Posted by: Slash at November 25, 2008 12:45 PM

Oh man sweet sweet justice. How long will her mouth be incapacitated? Will these be permanent? I certainly hope so...

Posted by: ph at November 25, 2008 12:50 PM

Is it wrong that I kind of respect Pattinson for going 6 weeks without a wash? I mean, that takes commitment. My friend and I once had a competition to see how long we could go without washing our hair. We both had pretty long hair at the time. I lasted 12 days, and I think she went two weeks. I have no idea what inspired us to do this, but we were the kind of all-girls-catholic school that embraced the fact that we could get away with looking like slobs 99% of the time.

Posted by: eat my shorts at November 25, 2008 12:54 PM

Bestest. Funniest. Thread. Ever. And it's only been up for what, an hour? Wetting myself here.

Special PajibOrder of Merit:
Tracer Bullet
the_wakeful
branded
and, of course, skitz

Posted by: bucdaddy at November 25, 2008 12:55 PM

I second that list, Bucdaddy. I'm coming back to the thread every 15 min or so and I can't stop laughing

Posted by: eat my shorts at November 25, 2008 1:02 PM

Amy Winehouse and her husband are apparently splitting because their relationship was based on drug-fueled three ways.

Errrmm, you say that like it's a bad thing. But seriously, I did not see that coming. Total shocker.

As for Man Boulter, I heard she can totally speak in Morse code by popping her gigantous Adam's apple up and down. She also uses it to provide "extra tip action" when deep-throating other transvestites. True story.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at November 25, 2008 1:13 PM

Oh Ms. Coulter...

I'm sorry, but this is far too respectful a term to use for her. Let's try Slugassface.

Posted by: Cindy at November 25, 2008 1:17 PM

And may I add, Ms. Nosek, that it takes a certain kind of lady to appropriately reference her intestinal turmoil and the noxious gases caused by it. Brava, young lady. Brava.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at November 25, 2008 1:35 PM

Cedric Diggory is lost to me. WASH YOUR GORRAM HAIR YOU SPARKLY NANCY BOY!

Posted by: BWeaves at November 25, 2008 1:37 PM

Oh, and having your jaw wired shut does not shut you up. I believe Ms. Coulter is a ventriloquist who can throw her voice, and now it will just sound like it's coming out of her co-irker's mouths.

Posted by: BWeaves at November 25, 2008 1:39 PM

The new Snoopy Flying Ace game has Nazis in it? What is this fuckery?




They had Nazis in World War I? News to me.

Posted by: screwtape at November 25, 2008 1:50 PM

You all laugh now, but it's only a matter of time until Ms. Coulter starts screaming at us through her fanged vagina.

Posted by: Sofía at November 25, 2008 1:54 PM

"...until Ms. Coulter starts screaming at us through her fanged vagina."

Time to make room in the china hutch for a 2009 Haloween Trophy...

Posted by: Skitz at November 25, 2008 2:04 PM

"...until Ms. Coulter starts screaming at us through her fanged vagina."

Time to make room in the china hutch for a 2009 Halloween Trophy...

Posted by: Skitz at November 25, 2008 2:04 PM

@ socalledonlycousins: Hell's bells, man. Don't you know there are somethings the mind can't unsee? How am I supposed to enjoy Brazillian tranny porn now?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 25, 2008 2:06 PM

Sofía, check her basement again because she works with a dangle, and the only time we men can get it to scream is if we forget the safety word.

Posted by: branded at November 25, 2008 2:12 PM

Does anyone recall the movie Chatterbox? The plot (such as it was) involved a woman's vagina suddenly developing a voice (and mind) of its own. The best scene in the movie was the vagina singing the National Anthem at the World Series.

Sorry to go off the rails a bit, as Coulter doesn't have a vagina, but I'm sure she has enough dexterity in her rectal muscles to not only fart on cue, but to modulate the farts so that it sounds as if she's actually talking.

Posted by: The Wanderer at November 25, 2008 2:28 PM

I heard it wasn't broken, exactly. She'd just unhinged it, you know, to swallow a guinea pig? And it kinda got locked in the open position. The real damage apparently occurred when she tried to force it shut using a meat tenderizing hammer and a poinsettia-themed Christmas nutpick, which were the only tools handy at the time, and her lower mandible cracked. This is why you always need to see a professional in those situations.

Posted by: roseyv at November 25, 2008 2:35 PM

I heard it wasn't broken, exactly. She'd just unhinged it, you know, to swallow a guinea pig? And it kinda got locked in the open position. The real damage apparently occurred when she tried to force it shut using a meat tenderizing hammer and a poinsettia-themed Christmas nutpick, which were the only tools handy at the time, and her lower mandible cracked. This is why you always need to see a professional in those situations.

Posted by: roseyv at November 25, 2008 2:35 PM

I heard it wasn't broken, exactly. She'd just unhinged it, you know, to swallow a guinea pig? And it kinda got locked in the open position. The real damage apparently occurred when she tried to force it shut using a meat tenderizing hammer and a poinsettia-themed Christmas nutpick, which were the only tools handy at the time, and her lower mandible cracked. This is why you always need to see a professional in those situations.

Posted by: roseyv at November 25, 2008 2:36 PM

Wow!

Sorry about that.

Posted by: roseyv at November 25, 2008 2:37 PM

Well, World War I Germans weren't eactly lovable, but they weren't no Nazis neither.

I reckon I done did know Nazis came a whole lot after tha Red Baron and triplanes, and for sure I cain't figger why you all done didn't know that.

Posted by: Fred Bronski at November 25, 2008 2:56 PM

I'm just waiting around to see how she's gonna blame the broken jaw on terrorists. (Er, and I mean, of course, liberals, gays, blacks, etc.

I'll take the blame. You can blame it on liberals, Ann. Jamiepants Mathews broke Ann Coulter's jaw. Donkeypunch style.

Posted by: jamiepants at November 25, 2008 3:24 PM

Luckily, me not being a US type person, Ann Coulter is none of my affair. Because she sounds like a total fuckwattle. (Well, ok, she doesn't sound like one right now, but only because she cain't talk...)

The fart thing. Hmm. OK, I'm of the opinion that if somebody inflicts nastiness on me and they could have avoided it, I've got every right to call them on it. But somehow, that never translates into telling someone off for making me smell their noxious farts, BO or halitosis! So, am I too nice, or just a coward?

Posted by: Tarn at November 25, 2008 3:54 PM

Ann Coulter + Jaw Wired Shut = AWESOME

Posted by: NeoCleo at November 25, 2008 4:42 PM

the best thing about that whole clip (apart from the exhibition of the stupidty of tweens) is the older sibling who's obviously told by he dad to comfort the girls, offers the most insincere hugs, pats on the head and tip of the finger...prods...lol, and then POINTS AND LAUGHS

love it.

Because i would do the same thing but i wouldn't do the hugs, i'd just point and laugh and say 'ohmylord you tragic children'
and fall over laughing some more and probably pass out where i lay

Posted by: Nadine at November 25, 2008 5:08 PM

I'd never heard of Ann Coulter before today, and looking at the world I was just about to call it a day and kill myself, but now I think I'll give myself a few days' stay of absence and kill her first. What a cunt.

Posted by: Satan at November 25, 2008 5:50 PM

How can you not love a giant gun that fires meat?

That phrase right there is why I love you so much, Stacey. That cracked me up.

Posted by: figgy at November 25, 2008 7:29 PM

Oh that video is genius. I can't decided which one is my favorite: the one who falls down, the frozen one in the orange shirt or the one who SOBS.

Oooh lord that's precious.

Posted by: figgy at November 25, 2008 7:58 PM

Thanks, I needed some good news.

Posted by: George at November 25, 2008 8:41 PM

By Jeebus, that video made pee come out I was laughing that hard. I loved when the tall one was getting annoyed that the host was taking so long, and then fell down. I have to watch it again

Posted by: caity at November 25, 2008 9:40 PM


Oh Ann, this is God's way of saying Shut it, Bitch.

That vid had me spraying coffee everywhere!
I loved the little kid in the red top and glasses who sort of looked like she got dragged into the whole thing to hang out with the cool kids and didnt give a crap which David won, and when it was over just wanted to eat ice cream and talk about Harry Potter but saw her friends Disintegrate and had to pretend to be marginally upset when all she could think was
'Get your butt off the floor and stop sobbing. Im beyond embarrassed and oh...great...your parents and apathetic sister are here to mock your pain and lump me in with all you dumbasses. Kill me now'
You just know they all read Twilight

Posted by: nieve at November 26, 2008 7:06 AM

I thought her head would have caved in after the news of the election of Obama. Guess she's still alive and ticking, damn.

Posted by: Devo at November 26, 2008 4:29 PM

This site is a brash, pantywaist consortium.

Posted by: brutus at November 27, 2008 5:24 PM