Paula Deen is adorable, and likewise I would never wish her any harm, but I could still watch this clip of her taking a ham to the fact 500 times and on the 501st time it would still be no less funny. (Warming Glow)
Kirk “Mike Seaver” Cameron headed out to the UCLA campus to preach the word, and let’s just say he was a little, er, outmatched. With hilarious results! (Litelysalted)
“Jon and Kate Plus Eight” got trotted out to pasture and shot like the diseased horse it is last night, and Kate lamented that it was “too soon.” Going another year would have hardly made a dent in those eight lifetime-therapy bills though. (Celebitchy)
Stunt casting news! Rumer Willis has started her stint playing a lesbian on “90210.” I’d say “90210” has officially jumped the shark but that would be presuming that it had quality at some point. (Yeeeah!)
A bunch of pictures that didn’t make it into the credit sequence of The Hangover (which, really, was the funniest part of the entire movie if you ask me) have been leaked onto the internet. (Film Drunk)
I didn’t think I could possibly be any more excited for “Jersey Shore” but that was before they released cast candids. Oh my goodness, I feel greasy just looking at them. (IBBB)
“Dancing with the Stars” is mercifully reaching its finale, and I know you guys are going to miss these weekly recaps, aren’t you? (Hairballs)
Stephen Lloyd Wilson brought this to my attention over the weekend but I totally forgot to post it yesterday: Weezer is releasing a special edition Snuggie with their new album. Of course they are, since nothing they do anymore is without gimmick. (StyleCaster)
I know how much you all love Adam Lambert, so I’m happy to report that the Gay Rebel refuses — refuses! — to apologize for his same-sex-kissing, blowjob-simulating, middle-finger-flipping performance at the AMAs. (DListed)
Here’s a list of the ten most sci-tarded character cliche types in sci-fi movies. (Topless Robot)
Some idiot paid $350,000 for Michael Jackson’s famous sparkly glove. I would have thought they would have just buried him in that thing. (Celebslam)
Here are five things your family will want to talk about at Thanksgiving. Oh boy, I’m already looking forward to it. (Holy Taco)
I’m sick to death of posting Twilight-related crap, and there’s not much left to say after Dustin’s terrific piece yesterday — but goddamn is this funny. A couple of guys rented out a theater to hold a special New Moon screening and basically tried to stage a mass intervention. (With hilarious results!)
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at November 24, 2009 1:20 PM
Off the subject of The Hangover, when will we be seeing another installment of Hangover Theater? Holidays are fast approaching, and we'll need something to watch as we burn off the toxins and tryptophan.
Posted by: The Wanderer at November 24, 2009 1:21 PM
Who knew the terror that the movie 2012 conveys using millions of dollars in special effects could have been conveyed with Ed Hardy t-shirts, gel and a trip to Sunset Tan? Bravo Jersey Shore!
That Kirk Cameron video is hilarious. Sadly I think it's too late to talk any sense into him.
Posted by: becks at November 24, 2009 1:22 PM
Oooooh, Thanksgiving...Thankfully, America's Hat already got that out of the way and blessedly we didn't talk about any of those. Instead my mother just talked about my career, my education, and the seemingly limitless things about me she's disappointed in. All of a sudden, $850 a month for my own place really isn't that bad.
Posted by: Jeremy Feist at November 24, 2009 1:23 PM
It's not that I hate Paula Deen, she just creeps me right the frak out; not as much as the olive oil psycho, but close. They're both just too perky to exist in a world where... well... I'll just cite Twilight and leave it at that. SO... when I saw that she got hock-slapped, I cranked up that link as fast as I could to revel in the snarky bliss that I assumed would follow her meltdown. To my dismay, she took it in great stride and maintained her sense of humor. So, despite my irritation and desire to make fun of her, I gotta respect her for taking the high road.
Mike Seever and the Douchebags (I'll just trademark that band name, now, thank you!), however, are the jokes that just keep on giving.
Combining those two thoughts just made me geek-way-out... I wonder if they'll hand out The Orange Bible...
Posted by: Lubeg at November 24, 2009 1:24 PM
Cripes. That chick from Jersey Shore with the fake tits -- the one with the thigh torn from her jeans, I mean, not the other three with fake tits -- her boobs aren't even in the same area code. You could drop a cinder block on her sternum without hitting both boobs.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 24, 2009 1:40 PM
OK, So I believe I will be coming out of the closet to my family on Thanksgiving about the SO. I only had to tell him to "go right out and fuck yourself" once, so I think it is going to last for a little while anyway. Between cryptic FB posts and unusual behavior from me (like going to the coast for a 3 day weekend, I am famously a workaholic who never takes more than 1 day off a week) I think they know something is up.
Ooooh I am dreading this.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 1:42 PM
to "go right out and fuck yourself" once,
*This weekend*
I'm dreading this so much I can't even form a coherent sentence.
Yikes!
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 1:47 PM
Good Luck LindsEy! I'm sure the family will be happy for you.
Posted by: becks at November 24, 2009 1:49 PM
Someone should hold an intervention for the Skyler Stone guy for not knowing what a comedian is. I'm not defending Twilight or its fans, but that video was just mean and not funny. You can string together sound bites from anyone to make them sound like idiots. The same way they cut down his performance to make him seem like less of a tool. Should have blurred his sunglasses at night wearing, fake-baked spiky bleached headed face out as well.
Posted by: J Stride at November 24, 2009 1:51 PM
I have no idea what the fuck a Paula Deen is, but if it's that portly bitch stuffing her face in the header pic, I'd wager that piggy meats are no stranger to her mouth parts. Screw clowns and monsters, that is one nauseating image.
Posted by: laredo at November 24, 2009 1:55 PM
Yeah, maybe. My Dad called and asked if I had taken my cats with me to the beach because on FB I said I was going with 'my boys' and one of them was obviously the dog. That is how forlorn and hopeless I have become in their eyes. Crazy cat lady who takes her cats to the beach for the weekend.
I told Dad, 'No, no cats, just Ollie(the dog)." He thought that through for a second and said. " Oh. OH! Well, gotta go, something in the oven, doorbell, other line, Bye!"
AWK-WARD
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 1:56 PM
Stacy, you owe me a computer. I clicked on that Jersey Shore link and my computer was completely ruined by a deluge of vinegar and water.
You could drop a cinder block on her sternum without hitting both boobs.
No kidding! How the hell are you going to motoboat that? It'd be like bouncing your cranium off of two medicine balls.
The whole Twilight phenomenon is breathtakingly stupid, but that video is pointless. Worse, dude isn't funny. Stupid comedian. Be more funny!
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 24, 2009 2:02 PM
Admin, I was thinking that
Exact
Same
Thing.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 2:14 PM
I agree that Cameron is a hopeless case; he's invested far too much to ever let it go or develop an open mind. God, dude, do you know how tiresome you are? Stop insisting that everyone has to believe what you believe, or that the theory of evolution is a denial of God. Go out and get laid. Watch a fun non-religious movie. Listen to some non-Christian rock. Really, it's OK, I think He wants you to enjoy yourself once in a while.
I'm torn about the Twilight prank. On the one hand, Twilight is crap. It's not the lame ass vampires that bother me, it's the message it sends to young girls about how their lives are meaningless without super hot boyfriends. And the ones who keep talking about how they have to fight so hard to not kill you are the best of all! Danger is sexy!
In that screening, though, there didn't appear to be any young girls. If you're old enough to drink, you're TOO DAMN OLD TO LIKE TWILIGHT in public. I don't know what scared me more in that video--the average age of the audience or that they were so stupid they CHEERED as their beloved Twilight was mocked.
On the other hand--people are free to like what they like, and if it's not hurting you, let them have their fun. The guy who conducted that intervention must have balls of granite; I fully expected that video to end in screams, blood and pleas for mercy.
Posted by: DeadBessie at November 24, 2009 2:15 PM
Obviously, you'd need a real motorboat.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at November 24, 2009 2:18 PM
That bitch hasn't got cleavage, she's got a Grand Canal!
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 2:22 PM
"Who the hell does that to an innocent ham?"
Paula Dean is definitely a ham, but I wouldn't call her innocent . . .
Posted by: jimbob at November 24, 2009 2:23 PM
I barely know this Lambert guy, but why should he apologize when so many women have done the same shit on stage on a regular basis?
Hey, Topless Robot, you better not be dissing my Data. Data is AWESOME. And he has an evil twin! Brent Spiner, I want to have your babies.
Posted by: DeadBessie at November 24, 2009 2:25 PM
DeadBessie,
Word. Who wouldn't want a mechanical man who has been thoroughly programed in the art of pleasing a woman. Tasha Yar looked fucking HAPPY.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 2:28 PM
Oops, I mean "Deen." I guess I was thinking of the pork sausage.
Posted by: jimbob at November 24, 2009 2:29 PM
AGAIN with the ageism. What, is everybody suppoed to sit home watching Matlock and Murder, She Wrote once they hit 20?
Clearly, someone at the Smithfield Ham Company mistakingly tossed the product rather than the paycheck at Paula Deen, hence the confusion. I mean, Smithfield practically shoves money down her throat every day to promote their hams, so I understand how grabbing the wrong bag could cause that. Bitch would have snatched up those stacks of money and made it rain at the homeless shelter without missing a beat.
And by stacks of money, I mean sliced ham. And by made it rain, I mean catch in her mouth like one of her dogs that shits on the floor at least once every three episodes. Food Network: the last bastion of quality how-to television.
I do love Adam Lambert his new album is awesome! It's cheesy pop/rock amazing! Lots of different styles. My favorites are the songs written for him by Rivers Cuomo (pick u up) and Muse (soaked). I also like sleepwalker, fever (written by lady ga ga), and Music Again by (Justin from the Darkness).
also Kirk Cameron getting owned by UCLA students made my day.
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 2:42 PM
I forgot to mention Broken Open by Adam Lambert, it's really airy ballad. I love the whole album, you can buy it on itunes now.
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 2:44 PM
I'm totally going to miss Dan's recaps. Just the fact that he watch that show filled me with joy. Bot because he'd suffer (so much) but just because his reactions were hilarious. I will miss them so much.
I saw that Twilight prank video yesterday at DXM, and while I appreciate the sentiment, I thought it was profoundly lame. So you fooled a bunch of people into getting excited and then...you did nothing. They could've played some real vampire films, or just done SOMETHING, ANYTHING, rather than just stand there, yell, and let them go on to watch New Moon some other night and look like an utter douchebag. It was really quite pointless.
1) I kinda admire Adam Lambert now and hate myself for it. Why the fuck should he apologize?
1b) I was watching E! News this morning (shut up) and they were talking about JLo falling on her ass, saying how she felt embarrassed--as they played the video behind Ryan Seacrest over and over and over again. It was HILARIOUS.
I actually don't think Paula Deen is adorable (her fuzzy white hair and super-bright smile creep my shit out) and her voice is annoying as fuck, but I still don't wanna see her get hit in the face with a ham. So maybe I'm not dead inside after all. I wish her no harm, I just don't ever want to hear her speak.
RE Twilight fans: you know, making fun of them just isn't fun. Most of the people I've ever encountered have shitty taste in entertainment (by my estimation), so making fun of people for liking something you think is stupid just seems... pointless. I could just as easily mock people who watch Dancing with the "Stars" or pro "wrestling" or anything with "Jon," "Kate," "Plus," "8," "Housewives," "Kardashians," "90210" or "Melrose" in the title. Because anyone who watches any of that shit is just as fucktarded as the little Twilight fans, maybe even more so, because they should be old enough to know better. One person's kitsch or crap is another person's treasure. So... yeah, I'm tired of hearing about Twilight, but it'll be replaced soon enough with another steaming pile of crap that I don't like.
RE DeadBessie: "I fully expected that video to end in screams, blood and pleas for mercy."
See now, THAT I would watch.
Posted by: Slash at November 24, 2009 2:51 PM
AvB:
You forgot Perry Mason. Perry Mason is The SHIT.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 2:56 PM
Perry Mason is the shit, made me want to be a lawyer when I was 8. I still love arguing.
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 2:59 PM
Well, I have to tell you guys, I'm not orange. Actually, I'm paler than pale. I do *know* a lot of orange people, though. And they seem to be often confused as to why I'm NOT orange.
Also, I did have a pair of jeans like that, but it was the 80s and I was young enough to not know better. It is possible I wore a skirt that short at the time, although I doubt it, as my parents wouldn't have let me out of the house looking like that. It is also possible that someone might have sprained a finger upon trying to run them through my hair.
Finally, my boobs have met, and don't generally try to escape from either each other or me. But that's in large part because they're real. Also, spectacular.
figgy, adam is awesome, kind, intelligent, totally fierce, and talented. Bitch has a five octave range and does not take himself too seriously. He has a wonderful sense of humor and is amazingly gracious, those that have an aversion to Idol, he is of a different mold.
The face in crotch was first introduced by Madonna in 1990 with her Vogue performance at the VMA. Double-standard for sure.
Please check out his album, it is fun.
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 3:02 PM
'he wouldn't be turned off by a little cellulite or a few day's worth of leg stubble.'
Thank God.
Anyway, in my experience if your man is turned off by a little cellulite and stubble, you aren't doing it right. Dude shouldn't even notice little stuff like that if properly entertained. I mean, gotta get the priorities straight!
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 3:08 PM
Why the fuck should he apologize?
Exactly. It's fine when women do it - the people who are winding up their panties and chewing them are homophobes.
Posted by: Cindy at November 24, 2009 3:11 PM
Mebe, you are officially creeping me out.
Posted by: Skewicide Blonde at November 24, 2009 3:18 PM
Twig:
That was AWESOME!
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 3:26 PM
sorry, I am a tad obsessed at the moment. :) I want him to do well, as one of the few openly gay men in music I want things to work out for him. It helps that he is awesome.
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 3:27 PM
Dude shouldn't even notice little stuff like that if properly entertained.
Yeah, at worst you just notice it and think "....whatever".
Twig that performance reminds me of the Flaming Lips cover of Bohemian Rhapsody from a few years ago. I swear that Sweetums is singing the backup!
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 3:33 PM
Twig, thank you! Now I'm hooked, I can't turn it off.
Posted by: becks at November 24, 2009 3:37 PM
Jay:
Exactly. Because we all have our little 'I hope he/she doesn't notice or care' stuff. So focus on the good, get over the not so good. Nobody's perfect.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 3:47 PM
I have a few, okay, several thoughts about today's Love.
1) Seriously, you guys are killing me. I am sitting in a doctor's waiting room FULL of silent old women, trying my damndest not to burst out laughing like a fucking madwoman. Really, I think I might have a hernia from supressing laughter.
2) That Kirk Cameron story reminds me that when I was in college, there were these two loons that stood in the student union, preaching "Christianity", yelling that all Catholics like me and sinners were going to Hell, and waving about six foot tall signs. Conveniently one day I happened to be walking through the union with a few of my smart-ass fellow circus performers. And one of my friends just happened to be dressed in motley and have his juggling clubs with him. My friend got a little pissed since he was a transvestite (now he's a woman), so he decided to cause a little trouble. He pulled a bowler hat out of his bag, took juggling clubs in hand, and did his fanciest juggling tricks for about five minutes. Then he put he clubs and hat away, popped into a handstand, walked on his hands around the assholes with the signs, stopped in front of them again, kicked of his shoes, and clapped his red-and-white striped socking feet together. Fucking priceless. I wish I had a camera.
3) As for Adam Lambert, look buddy I'm glad you're not apologizing. But bitch please, don't think you're the first man to ever simulate a blowjob on stage. Bowie blew Mick Ronson's guitar back in 1973. Come talk to me when you think of something shocking that is actually original.
4) That Holy Taco list is scary accurate. My parents will want to talk about Sarah Palin. Look, I waver between conservative and libertarian and I have respect for her. I don't want to read her book, but I still have respect. HOWEVER, my parents like to try to force their opinions down my throat about everything, not just their conservative values. They have this inability to recognize that I am an adult and I don't need them to raise me anymore. They also take it as a personal slight when I make a decision that they themselves would not make. Ergo, Sarah Palin qualifies under the topic of Everything and me not giving a shit about her book is a different decision than what they would make. That equals very loud discussion in which I eventually roll my eyes, stop talking, and wait for them to finish talking at me. They will also want to talk about my husband's parents when he is not in the room and about healthcare. I talk about healthcare every damn day at work. Fucking I'm bored of it. I don't care if my parents and I think the same way about it, IT BORES THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
5) Paula Deen is a good sport. I hope her face is okay.
Posted by: NotesOnMyBathroomMirror at November 24, 2009 3:51 PM
Stardust, Bowie totally did it forever ago. I don't understand the fuss, it was after 11pm, and it's really nothing new. People just are not willing to accept an openly gay man being sexual. I, on the other hand, think that it is hot as hell.
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 3:53 PM
Ms. Figgy, I'm from the Jersey contingent and I'm not orange. Unfortunately, the orange bitches get more press coverage because they're more looks than intelligence. Intelligence doesn't print well in Us Weekly or People, and it doesn't show well on MTV. If it did, these outlets would be a little less...douchier.
As for the Twilight Prank...I think Skyler Stone is my new hero. I wish I could have done something so awesome.
Yeah, I totally don't get the fuss either! He's gay, what's the big deal? Every family has someone who is gay. If these homophobes can't find the gay person in their family, they either need to look again or take a long, hard look in the mirror.
Jesus, Mebe, could you dial it back a bit? It's very lovely that you're a fan, but this isn't the Adam Lambert fansite. So enough already. Please.
Posted by: Slash at November 24, 2009 4:07 PM
I would like to offer the people over at Holy Taco a list of "5 Things Your Family Will Want to Talk about at Thanksgiving: Dysfuntional Families Edition"
1) The merits of "full flavor" cigarettes and regular beer over light beer or cigarettes. Because in my fathers immortal words "Why drive to Chicago if I am trying to get to New York" (meaning why take the long way around)
2) How much of a cunt is Deborah, the neighbor, because God she's a cunt.*
3)Where is my God Damn lighter, Nancy did you take my lighter again God Damnit, I had 3 friggin' lighters damnit. Girls, did you see your mother use my lighter? She never gave it back, you saw it!
4) What bar would you like to go to tonight? (because in MT there is always a bar open on Thanksgiving night)
5) Ways to burn down Deborah's house and have my mom get away with it.
*Deborah is actually very nice, if just a little crazy. My mother inexplicably hates her all the same.
Posted by: ashes at November 24, 2009 4:17 PM
Another non-orange Jersian? Wonderful! Now, where's that Robert? Maybe we can make it 3! I'm nearly certain he's not orange.
I think the only cure for Kirk Cameron now is to be on the receiving end of lots and lots of the buttseks. Any volunteers? Oh, how did my hand get up there?
Paula Deen reminds me of most of my family, which means I kind of like her and don't like her at the same time.
Posted by: Drake at November 24, 2009 4:26 PM
Sorry I'm kind of on a mission. I'm not gay, but I am a big advocate of gay rights. It's one of my pet causes. I get carried away sometimes. I forget that here I'm kinda preaching to the choir.
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 4:34 PM
Drake, you crack me up.
Posted by: becks at November 24, 2009 4:47 PM
Goddamn ashes, that list made me laugh my ass off at work. Especially #3. I think that could've been written by my own dad.
Posted by: Beckster "Tri-Tip Goddess" at November 24, 2009 4:49 PM
Holy crap, ashes. My parents also have a Deborah. Except their Deborah is Hal. Hal and his god-damned sabal palms and his fucking parking pad beside his driveway. Now Hal is a bit trashy and clueless, but it's not like he's out to annoy my parents with his trashiness even though they seem to think he is.
It's my 28th birthday today. I'm glad I discovered this site and it gave me a place to vent with amazing, intelligent like-minded people. I think I fall in love with you guys a little more each day. The things you say and how we support each other (through the computer no less!) are fucking amazing. I wish I had real friends in my life like all of you.
Happy Thanksgiving bitches.
Posted by: scorzi at November 24, 2009 5:09 PM
I'd do Paula Deen. Yeah, that's right. I am that desparate.
Posted by: ryan_sc at November 24, 2009 5:17 PM
Happy Birthday Scorzi!
Pajiba is awesome, and you are part of its awesomeness.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 24, 2009 5:20 PM
Paula Deen is a hot bitch that would make you the fucking best grill cheese sammich ever! Haters need to recognize!
Posted by: Mebe at November 24, 2009 5:21 PM
And so far only one person's mentioned the celebrity birthday we both infamously share.
Like Oprah and Rachael Rae, Paula Dean is a giant bitch. Just ask anyone who's worked for/with her. My only regret is that the ham wasn't on fire.
Posted by: Matt at November 24, 2009 5:58 PM
I wouln't want that Michael Jackson glove.
I mean who knows where that things been?
....too soon?
Posted by: Odnon at November 24, 2009 6:12 PM
HEY! Fuck all y'all who are hating on my ADOPTIVE MOM PAULA DEEN.
Yeah. Go fuck a rolling donut.
Maybe it's because my own mom is such a hot mess of violent hateful crazy. Maybe it's because Deen is fat, knows it, and doesn't care either (yay!). Maybe it's because she can cook her ass off. But I LOVE HER TO DEATH.
I want Willie Nelson to be my adoptive daddy and Paula Deen to be my adoptive momma and his special ciggies will make me want her yummy cookin' and we'll all be FAT AND HAPPY AND LOVE EACH OTHER in a place called Abbott, Texas so shut the fuck up haters.
(Oh I do love in the clip how her husband is just all "oh huh, she got hit in the face, bet she's fakin' it." He's an old Mississippi river man, they don't get excited about ANYTHING.)
Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at November 24, 2009 7:06 PM
Sorry to be tardy to the not-orange NJ Party, AvB. I believe you'll safely find my skin tone best described as ghostly-pale. Someone put fake-tanner on me for a play once: I looked like a pumpkin. It took a lot of make-up to cover-up that mistake.
There's a "slam your ham" joke somewhere in that Paula Deen clip...
Lwa'e',
That's odd, I haven't gotten my invitation yet.
Posted by: , (just , cause I'm tired of typing that other shit) at November 24, 2009 11:24 PM
Who? What? am I inviting people to something?
Big Daddy, you know you can come on by and see me anytime. Unless there is a riding whip hanging on the door. If so, keep on trucking, Mama's busy.
Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at November 25, 2009 1:09 AM
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I have had my revenge on you, Paula Deen! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!